Earth Jokes

Have a little laugh with some of the funniest planet Earth jokes around! From "mother Earth" to "down to earth" and even "middle Earth," you're sure to find some of the most amusing one-liners about the almighty place we call home. Don't forget to check out the jokes about Google Earth, the sun and Earth, and other galaxies like Terra!

Amusing Earth Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends

What's the fastest liquid on Earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

What did E.T.'s mother say when E.T. got home?

"Where on Earth have you been??!!"

**Thank you, I'll be here all night...

jokes about earth

Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

The rotation of earth

Really makes my day.

I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy

He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male prostitute to make ends meet. One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before.

Me: How much did you make?

Him: I made $250.05.

Me: Who on earth gave you 5 cents?

Him: Everyone.

Earth joke, I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy

What's a gay man's favorite planet?

Earth, most likely. Unless he's personally interested in space exploration, in which case he might say Mars.

I received an email from Google

It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day.

I'm sorry.

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

You can explore earth terra reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean earth orbit dad jokes. There are also earth puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space?

Because nobody liked it on earth.

I love the way the Earth rotates...

It makes my day.

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

the flat earth society ...

... has members all around the globe

I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"

She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"

I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"

Earth joke, I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than any

I love the way the Earth spins on its axis.

it always makes my day.

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

That wasn't my fault.


Courtesy of my 11 year old daughter.

Two aliens are flying near earth

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

Flat Earthers

It's funny making a flat earth beliver angry, but if you push them over the edge then you're only proving them right.

A man asked God

"God, where can i find the love of my life?"

God answered

"Love can be found on every corner"

And then god made earth round

A tv show about the earth would be really boring

It would just be the same 4 seasons over and over again being rerun.

The Earth used to be flat,

but then they buried yo mama.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

Earth joke, Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any ques

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not".

The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "...this goes even higher than I thought..."

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, That's not right.

With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.

Precisely, I agreed. If the angle were right it would be 90Β°.

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: What are you doing there, Nancy?

My goldfish died, Nancy sobbed. And I've just buried him.

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: That's because he's inside your cat.

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth.

And then you'll all be sorry.

A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.

How to spot a millionaire, am I right? he winks and smiles at the bartender

No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire

Okay - so he must be extremely charming?

Larry is actually a man of very few words

Then what on earth makes him so incredibly popular with women??

I actually have no idea - every day he comes here, he just sits there quietly, drinking his beer, licking his eyebrows..

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"

"Incredible," said the man.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where is Trump's clock?"

"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

Each year, a lawyer takes his holidays at an out of the way, country hotel.

With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner's daughter.
On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys.
Why on earth didn't you tell me? said the astonished lawyer.
You know I would have married you and provided for the babies.
The woman replied, That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer".

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said *fifteen* years."

A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."

The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"

God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."

The flat earther exclaims, "Holy crap! This conspiracy runs deeper than I thought!"

One alien says to another, The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.

The second alien replies, Are they an emerging intelligence?

The first alien says, I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.

I debated a flat earther once

he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around, eventually.

Me: The earth isn't flat

Me: The earth isn't flat.

Fiat earther: Correct.

Me: huh?

Fiat earther: It's shaped like an Italian car.

Me: what?

Fiat earther: You read my name wrong, didn't you?

The Earth's surface is 70% water.

That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.

I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around eventually.

A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands funeral. She said "Certainly."

He stood up and said "Plethora" , and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."

And another man stood up and said, "Bargain" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means a great deal."Β 

Yet another stood up and said, "Earth" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means the world."

Yet another stood up and said, "Infinity" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine."

Yet another stood up and said, "Being Alive" and the woman said, "Thanks, my husband would have loved that."

Another person simply held up a sprig of mentha spicata, and the widow said, "Thanks, that's a lovely scent of mint."

Why Don't We Have a Reality Show Where Flat Earthers Walk to the End of the Earth?

Because that would be edgy

A farmer and his dog are in a field counting sheep.

'I count 47 sheep', says the farmer.

'I count 50 sheep', says the dog.

'How on earth did you count an extra three sheep?!'

'You told me to round them up!'

Scientists watched the earth rotate for 24 hours and got tired,

So they called it a day

I had a debate with a flat earther. He said he'll walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

I'm sure he'll come around.

Me: The earth isn't flat!

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it's the shape of an Italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn't you?

Mummy, how was I born?

A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, Mummy, how was I born**?**

The mother smiled and replied:

Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day.

After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.

So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom.

i love how the Earth rotates on its axis

it really makes my day.

The earth is 80% water. None of that water is carbonated.

The earth is flat.

If the earth really is flat

Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.

What on earth are you doing? he asks his buddy.

His friend replies I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain't going down there for ten bucks .

A man finds a dead cat and calls the city

Man: I found a dead cat

Operator: oh no! Are you sure it's dead?

M: Yes, I pissed in its ear and it didn't move

O: You what?!

M: I pissed in its ear

O: Why on earth would you do that??

M: Well, I heard that if you go "pss pss pss" in a cat's ear they should respond.

After a 2000 year absence, the Virgin Mary takes a trip down to earth.

​

After a couple of days, she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the Virgin Mary. I met a man." Peter says to her, "That's not bad. This is how it is down on earth."

The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the Virgin Mary. I kissed the man. Is that bad?" Peter says to her, "No, that's part of life on earth."

The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is Mary."

If the earth is the third planet from the sun..

Wouldn't that make all countries third world countries?

Did you hear about the 5 constipated men in the Bible?

1. Cain. He wasn't Abel....
2. Moses. He took 2 tablets....
3. Balaam. He couldn't move his ass(it's in the Bible, look it up)....
4. King Solomon. He sat on the throne for 40 years.....
5. King David. He said no power in Heaven or on Earth could move him.....

What is a chefs favorite earth spell?

Cast iron

The Earth was flat....

...until they buried yo mama.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving without a parachute...

The place where he collided with the earth is now known as the Marriana's trench.

In the beginning, God created Earth.

Everything else was made in China.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the earth mother earth puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working earth planet earth piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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