The Best 65 Ears Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ears jokes. There are some ears aural jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ears your ears are so big puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Ears Jokes and Puns

What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

Two Indians put their ears to the ground........

The first Indian says: "Buffalo come".

The second Indian says: "Buffalo no come".

The first Indian places his ear back on the ground and repeats "Buffalo come".

The second Indian places his ear back on the ground and says "I no hear anything, why you think buffalo come?"

The first Indian replies "Ear sticky".

Oh hey, Larry's sporting bling in his ears

Joe: When did you start wearing earrings?

Larry: Since the day my wife found them in my car.

Ears joke, Oh hey, Larry's sporting bling in his ears

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

What do you call a man with potatoes in their ears?

Anything you want, He can't hear you!


A guy walks into work...

And both ears are bandaged.
The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss responds "we'll that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?"
And the guy responds "Well, I had to call the doctor!"

A man takes his dog to a vet...

A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears.

So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. Then at the counter, the pharmacist says, "ok if this is for your legs, don't wear any tight pants for a few days".

The man says, "its not for my legs".

The pharmacist then says, "ok if it's for your underarms, don't wear any tight shirts for a few days".

The man says, "its not for my underarms". The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?"

"It's for my schnauzer. "

Then don't ride your bike for a few days.

Ears joke, A man takes his dog to a vet...

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose.

He has a stalk of celery in the other nostril and peas in his ears. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." The doctor says, "Well, you're not eating right."

How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

A buccaneer :D

You can tell a lot about a woman from her shoes

If they're behind her ears, she likes you

Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...

Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have sex, I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"

You can explore ears noses reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ears vet dad jokes. There are also ears puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

[In honor of Leonard Nimoy] How many ears does Spock have?

Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.

A farmer finds a shoebox under his wife's side of the bed

The box contained two ears of corn and $4000. He went to his wife
Farmer: What's this?
Wife: I have a confession to make. Whenever I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in the box.

The farmer gasps, then thinks "50 years of marriage...only twice..that's not too awful.

Farmer: What about the $4000?
Wife: Whenever I got a bushel I sold it.

Little Johnny

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

You can tell how much a girl likes you by looking at her feet

If they are behind her ears, she really really likes you.

Ears joke, You can tell how much a girl likes you by looking at her feet

A husband asks his wife...

Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?

Wife: Honey, of course I would.

Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?

Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.

Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?

Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?

Husband: I just sprained my wrist...

What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?

His ears.

Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!

If you want to know if a girl is into you, look at her feet.

If they point away from you she's not interested, if they're behind her ears she's very interested.


How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up?

He uses Hare Spray...

(Ill see myself out)

So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buck 'n ear

Did you hear about the guy that was born without ears?

Neither did he.

I have the eyes of a hawk, the ears of a fox…

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

So she wouldn't get hearing aids.

Whats fat on the bottom, skinny on the top, and has ears?

Mountains!

...what? You've never head of mountaineers?

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.

"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.

"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"

"But what happened to your other ear?"

"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

I can control sheep by just listening to them

It's true, I heard them with my own ears

Why is it risky to tell secrets on a farm?

The corn have ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beanstalk.

Winston goes to church

Winston goes to church and the vicar says "What's wrong my son?"
Winston says "I want you to pray for my hearing".
The vicar puts his hands on Winston's ears and prays hard for ten minutes.
"So how is your hearing?" asks the vicar.
"I don't know", says Winston, "it isn't until next Wednesday".

I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I?

Ugly.

[NSFW] If you want to know if a girl likes you, you can tell by her feet...

If they are behind her ears she likes you a lot.

Captain Kirk actually has 3 ears.

The first is the left ear, the second is the right ear, and then there's the final frontier.

I listened to All Star so many times it gave me tinnitus.

Now, my ears start humming and they don't stop humming.

What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he is masturbating?

His ears

When I was a kid I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled into your ears.

So you can imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

What is a man's most sensitive organ when masturbating?

His ears.

A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...

The doctor said 'Christ man, how did you manage that?!'

The man replied 'Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can't believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!'

The doctor thought for a moment and said 'that explains one ear, but how did you burn the other one?'

The man replied 'Well, I burned that one trying to call an ambulance!'

Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'

Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."

The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.

Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?

Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. What's wrong with me doc? He asks.

The doctor replies Well it looks like you're not eating right.

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong?

I'm all ears.

Don't tell secrets in the garden:

The potatoes have eyes

The corn has ears

And the beanstalk.

Did you know Captain Kirk had three ears?

A right ear, a left ear, and a final front ear

I've never seen the inside of my ears...

...but I've heard good things

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.

Operator: What is your location sir?

Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: How do you Spell that sir?

Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...

Operator: Are you there sir?

More heavy breathing and another minute later...

Operator: Sir, can you hear me?

This goes on for another few minutes until...

Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?

Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.

How many ears does Spock have?

3

A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.

A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...

A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"

The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.

The Texan again said, "Howdy pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"

The professor became indignant, "You can't talk like that at Harvard University. I mean, you've ended your sentence with a preposition. Try to do better!"

The Texan shuffled for a second and said, "Well pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at...asshole!"

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".

The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?

Me: What?

A couple are at the church when the wife whispers into the husband's ear "I just let out a silent fart. What do I do?"

He responds:

"Get your ears checked"

Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?

A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.

A corn farmer asked his field "are you listening?"

To which the field responded "I'm all ears"

A little girl goes to the pet store

She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.

Well sure sweetie! He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny did you have in mind?

So the little girl looks over the bunnies and then back to the pet store owner and replies, quite frankly mister I don't think my snake gives a damn.

MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...

Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it in 5 minutes. One of them is holding a rabbit by his ears.
Judges- And?
One KGB agent hits a rabbit.
Rabbit - ok ok i confess i'm a bear!!!

Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat, she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."

"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"

"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."

Practicing

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. His uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For hells sake, Johnny, can't you play something this damn dog doesn't know?"

Man walks into Starbucks

Not too experienced with the ordering process, he says " I"ll just have a mild roast".
The barrista says "you have very average ears"

At a corporate party…

The director of HR stood up and said If anyone has any comments or anything they'd like to say please come up to the microphone

An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room. Everyone covered their ears as he held it there. He then turned it away and handed it back to the HR director. To which the HR director said…

Thank you for your feedback.

How does a train hear another train coming?

With its engineers.

(Engine ears)

I went to see the doctor for a problem with my ears.

What are the symptoms? asked the doctor.

They're a funny yellow family on TV

As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears

Henceforth, I was terrified of cockroaches

How many ears does Spock have ?

3 :

the left one, the right one, and the final front ear.

Every time I'm depressed, I walk into a cornfield...

I stand in the middle and talk about all of my problems. The cornfield is an excellent listener because it's all ears.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ears eardrum jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ears big ears piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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