Earned Jokes
58 earned jokes and hilarious earned puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about earned that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Earned Short Jokes
Short earned jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The earned humour may include short earning jokes also.
- If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist... I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.
- What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
- Wonder Woman earned $300 million worldwide in first week. "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.
- Bernie Sanders is a true socialist He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.
- I heard women in this country only get 78¢ for every dollar a man earns... On the bright side, we get to keep 22¢
- I'm a good man. I give about 50% of my earnings to Charity. Except for when she's not working…Then I give it to Destiny.
- America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.
- What do you call a Mongol leader who swindles people out of their hard earned cash? Ghengis Khan Man.
- My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any C s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes. He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.
- After being sent to prison, I quickly earned the nickname "Mitochondria." I was the powerhouse of the cell.
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Earned One Liners
Which earned one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with earned? I can suggest the ones about paid and income.
- What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer? By selling your camera.
- I like to give a percentage of my earnings to Charity.... ......and other strippers.
- I like making money It's a lot easier than earning it.
- What's the quickest way to earn karma using your sword-fighting abilities? Riposte
- Women always call me ugly until they find out what I earn. Then they call me poor.
- Why is it easy to talk to people who earn little pay? Because they make cents!
- How does a fencer earn their karma? Ripostes.
- How do you earn a small fortune by gambling? You start with a big fortune.
- What did Dr. pepper earn his PhD in? Fizz-ics
- What do you call a can that earns a degree? A graduated cylinder.
- This one simple trick will earn you THOUSANDS in WEEKS! Get a job.
- How much money does a gay pornstar earn? A buttload
- Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver
- A penny saved... ... is 350 Trillion Zimbabwe dollars earned!
- What's the most honest way to earn a living as a seamstress? The Ernest Hemingway
Earned Phd Jokes
Here is a list of funny earned phd jokes and even better earned phd puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many millennials does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 100
99 to earn a PhD in electrical engineering and interview for the job, and one to agree to do it for the "experience". - Did you hear about the man who earned his PhD in well drilling? He was well educated.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Earned Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about earned you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean owed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make earned pranks.
GF: Are you seriously going to open the blinds n**...?
ME: yes, I feel like if people put enough effort to look through hundreds of hotel windows, then they deserve to get a prize.
GF: oh! like "You sir just earned yourself a wiener view"
My girlfriend invited me to her house...
My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat their waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably s**... sister was waiting their with me. A few minutes go by, then she comes up next to me and whispers in my ear "we should have s**... before my sister comes home." I immediately got up turned around and walked to my car when I found my girlfriend standing by the door at which point she hugged me and said "you've earned my trust" Moral of the story, always keep your condoms in your car.
In 2010, men earned 23% more than women.
It doesn't really matter, though. We spent that extra 23% on your drinks, ladies.
The new father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
The air hostess comes to know that the old married couple is...
flying to Hawaii on their 50th marriage anniversary.
She asks them how it feels to be married for so long.
The old man replies: "It all felt like 5 minutes..."
The air hostess was about to reply on the profoundness of what he said, when he earned a slap from the old lady for his next word:
"...underwater".
--Taken from All in a day's work; Reader's digest
A boy is talking to his 100 year-old grandfather...
The grandfather says, "You know, when I was not so much older than you are now, I lived in Sydney, Australia. In fact, I earned a bit of spare change helping on the construction of the ol' Harbour Bridge."
The boy says, "Wow! That sounds fascinating! Was it exciting?"
The grandfather, shaking his head, says, "It was just riveting work."
Trump impeachment jokes
Donald J. Trump has been impeached.
Finally, something he's earned !
This one earned some cutting remarks.
If it weren't for the table saw accident, I wouldn't be half the person I am today.
Stephen Hawking is an inspiration
He's earned millions in the past 10 years without lifting a finger.
A maths teachers husband buys an Aston Martin.
He pulls up into the drive of their house, eagerly awaiting his wife's response.
Instead, she looks angry and horrified. She storm up to his window and says "You ALWAYS leech off of MY money!"
"W-What?"
"LOOK AT YOU! I don't know HOW you earned this car!"
"Why?"
"YOU DIDN'T DO THE WORKING FOR IT!"
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."
The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"
She replies, "They all did."
Credit goes to u/umm_umm_
Canada has done well in removing the patriarchal effect on its society.
Even their economy reflects it - now, _every_ worker gets 77 cents for every dollar earned.
Some friends of mine had a baby.
They didn't want to know what s**... it was, instead they just preferred to wait, and see how much it earned.
I recently earned 5 times the money I earned before
5x0=0
I'm instructor flashbang
I earned that nickname from my ex-wife I don't get it but it kinda stuck
Where do fish keep all their hard earned cash?
In a River Bank.
I'm so bad at recording myself playing video games that I've earned the nickname "The Enlarged Prostate"...
I guess I've got a weak stream going.
adult jokes
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your p**...!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
I've spent so much time on the toilet recently
I've earned squatter's rights.
I studied human thought and cuisine in the Middle East.
I earned my bachelor's in Falafelsophy.
A granpda asks his just graduated grandchild
Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?
Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract
Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient
What do you call a "fixed regular payment earned for work or services, typically paid on a daily or weekly basis." in South Africa?
SAwage.
In an Italian restaurant, if you saved any amount of pipe shaped pasta, you could take it home.
Each penne saved was a penne earned.
It was very noble of Serena Williams to fight sexism and inequality
By spoiling the fair, hard earned victory of an Asian woman
How do you call the money earned by a sewage company?
g**... Profit.
I spent all my hard earned money on buying m**... stocks.....
Now I'm p**... committed.
My girlfriend says I'm better than Moses.
Not only did I part the red sea, but I also earned my red wings.
Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.
"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."
"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.
"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $10 bill and tell me ta take a hike.
After 72 years since not completing her college course, my Grandma finally went back and earned her very first diploma...
...I asked her what will she be wearing for her graduation ceremony and she said depends.
I earned an Oscar for being the best producer.
He was born and named yesterday after my long fight against fertility.
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about
how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your p**...!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
A young man has finished his first shift as a baker
When he comes home his dad asks him, "Have you earned any dough?"
A cop pulls over a car...
Officer: Good evening, our squad decided to reward the best driver we saw all day, so congratulations you just earned 200 dollars. What will you do with the money?
Driver: Get my drivers license.
Officer: Wait, what?
Wife: He's only driving well because he's drunk.
Officer: W-what?
Son: Dad, are this the people that you call pigs all the time?
Officer: WHAT?
Mother in law: The car isn't even his.
Officer: WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Cousins in the trunk: Are we at the boarder yet?
Officer: WHAT THE FU-
The Vampire from Sesame Street decided to buy everyone gifts with money he earned through s**... work.
The gifts were really bad but everyone was appreciative because after all,
It's the thot that Counts!
I made up this joke. Hope you like it :)
The farmer, the hired hand, and the pig
A farmer hired a mentally challenged youth to perform tasks around the farm. The young man excelled at the tasks he was given and soon earned the farmer's trust.
One day the farmer told him to take the truck and go to town and buy some feed for the animals. He told him that If he had any problems to give him a call.
The young man soon called and said, " I hit a pig with the truck, what should I do?" The farmer said, "Take the shotgun off the gun rack in the truck, put the pig out of its misery, and toss it off in the ditch."
The young man called back and said, "Okay, now what do I do with his bike?"
What do you call a couple who decided on a career together in retail after both having earned their Doctorates?
A Paradox!
