Early Morning Jokes
97 early morning jokes and hilarious early morning puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about early morning that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Early Morning Short Jokes
Short early morning jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The early morning humour may include short woke morning jokes also.
- This morning I came early to my office And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboard as I could.
Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster. - I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's. And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.
- I've done some terrible things for money ...... Like getting up early in the morning to go to work.
- A haiku about early morning starts... No no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no no - Early this morning I was sitting on the beach wondering where the sun was... then it dawned on me
- What's the difference between North Korea amd South Korea? North Koreans have no Seoul.
Thought of this very early in the morning waiting to board a plane. - I visited the wife's grave early today... A man walked by and said "Morning!"
I replied, "No, just walking the dog." - How are you today? Context - It's extremely early in the morning, I'm getting new tires put on my vehicle...
GF: How are you today?
Me: I'm wheel good.
^Please ^Help ^Me - The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary and he shouted at him... Boss - "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager - "No, sir, this I do free of charge." - Dawn craved repetition. It explains why she relished relish, and was a fan of fans.
But nothing compared to the joy of the early morning.
Because that's when the dawn dawned on Dawn.
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Early Morning One Liners
Which early morning one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with early morning? I can suggest the ones about early bird and sunday morning.
- I sneaked onto a beach early this morning. The coast was clear.
- Why does the police officer get up early in the morning? To beat the crowds.
- Why do you fly United early in the morning? To beat the crowd.
- What do you call a Dinosaur that wakes up early in the morning. An AssCrackaDon.
- Why do bakers start working so early in the morning? Because they knead dough.
- How fast does light travel? I don't know. But it gets here too early in the morning.
- Why did the cop get up early in the morning? To beat the crowd.
- What's white and covers the road in the early morning? Employed people.
- What do you call a guy who's rolling around in the grass early in the morning? Dewy
- Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning? Because the early beard gets the wyrm
- I woke up super early this morning for all of the good deals
- It has always been hard for me to wake up early in the morning I need me a new AM radio.
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- "Why is it so hard waking up early in the morning?" Because I'm a man.
- I saw Venus AND jupiter this morning! So glad the s**... club is open early.
Quirky and Hilarious Early Morning Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about early morning you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean early start jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make early morning pranks.
Two smart jokes
What does a scientist call it when they're A/B testing and they find a third variable?
An emergent C
What element do British people like early in the morning?
Strong-tea-um
A weather report for you
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
A man was taking his dog for a walk one early morning
As he walked through a graveyard to get back home, he saw a man crouching by a grave.
"Morning!" says the man with the dog.
The second man replies "Nope, just having a p**...."
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...
after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"
I work at a restaurant...
I work at a restaurant. A woman and her young son came walking through the door early in the morning.
I immediately approached after they were seated and asked,"What will it be today?"
The young boy was quick to exclaim,"I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN!!!"
There was a long silence.
His mother then put one hand on her head and said,"Eggs.... He wants eggs."
The Final Exam
The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"
2 Reasons Why I Should go to School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
A man goes to the doctor...
and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.
The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"
To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."
George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...
and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane c**... early this morning.
Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Northeast Weather
I just got off the phone with my friend in Boston. He said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just staring. He said, if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.
So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"
A student visits his teacher man early in the morning
And sits on in a chair. The teacher man looks up and offers the pupil a cup of coffee.
"Sure, I'll take a mug of joe," says the student.
The teacher pours a cup, and gives it to the kid. The student takes a sip, and nearly gags.
"The is terrible! Seriously! What is this, mud??"
"Well," the professor replies, "it was ground just this morning."
Tragedy in Eastern Canada
Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as searching continues through the evening.
Yesterday I told this joke about a worm being eaten early in the morning
The birds loved it.
I adopted a rescue dog early this morning...
But she hasn't saved anyone all day and she's peed in the house twice. This is b**....
A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning.
A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning when he sees an elderly man crouched by a gravestone. Not wishing to appear rude the dog-walker greets the elderly man with a cheery:
"Morning!"
The elderly man replies:
"Oh no, just taking a dump."
My mom woke up early every morning to cut the crusts off my sandwiches for lunch at school.
She knew the crusts were my favorite part. She hated me so much.
Christmas Day accident
Grandpa woke up unusually early yesterday to celebrate Christmas with the family. He was half asleep still when went to the restroom to brush his teeth. In the early morning brain fog, he accidentally got his Polident mixed up with his Preparation H.
His gums aren't itching, but now, he can't get his underwear off!
I exercise very early in the morning
Because if i don't my brain will figure out what i'm doing!
Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today...
...when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery there early this morning.
Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having s**... into the early hours of the morning.
I would have asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends.
When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard
but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.
My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.
Pun competition
One day, a man was sitting at home with a beer in hand when he read about a pun competition being held downtown. He got up early the next morning and came up with the best puns he had ever seen, and entered his 10 best puns hoping he would win, but unfortunately no pun in 10 did.
Any Irishman and a Scott have a duel at a bar...
The irishman exclaims, "You Scottish can't drink! We Irish are the best drinkers!"
Scott exclaims, "Ye don no wha ye takin boot! Any scott can drink any irishman under ye table!"
The two drink to the early morning. Who wins?
The bartender.
Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
An alcoholic walks into a bar, first thing in the morning,
And sits down at the bar. His friend, the bartender says "Whiskey on the rocks, as usual?"
The man responds, "It's too early..."
The bartender is shocked, "Too early for a drink? For you?" He asks, surprised.
The man looks at him and says,
"No, for s**... questions."
A jealous woman, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.
Her: Where are you?
Him: At home hun.
Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?
Him: Sure Hun .
Whirrrrrrrrrr
Him: There you go.
Her: Ok. Talk to you later...
This went on for a few days. She would call him and ask him to run the food processor, which he would do.
One day she called her children and asked : Where is dad?
Kid: No idea. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late in the night.
But he takes the food processor along wherever he goes.
I think it worked...
I looked at the sun yesterday early morning and the sun started to finally turn black.
A man runs over to his neighbor's house early one morning...
He bangs on the door and soon his neighbor answers. The man looks slightly embarrased and starts explaining quickly.
"Hey, last night, I brought a h**... home, but I just realized that I don't have enough cash to pay her. Can you help me out?"
The neighbor lifts his eyebrow and the sighs in irritation.
"Fine," he says. "This one time...you can borrow my shovel."
Choochie Green was a h**... in a little town,
One Sunday morning she's decides to go to church. She gets all dressed up, in her finest mini skirt and top. She arrives early to ensure a seat up close. While the rest of the congregation files in, the priest notices her. He leans over to the alter boy and ask "Is that Choochie Green?" The boy squints and leans forward and replies "I don't think so, just the way the lights hitting it"
Help! I need activity suggestions. I'm going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He's a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic.
What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??
I wanted to go for a ride early morning.
But my bike didn't feel like it. It was 'two tyred'.
got woken up to a tap on the door early this morning
i had to call the plumber to remove it
Early this morning thieves stole the toilets from all the police stations in the city.
Right now, detectives have nothing to go on.
Pale Tomatoes...
Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".
"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."
They meet again a few weeks later.
"Hey, did my hint about your tomatoes help?"
"Huh. The tomatoes are still pale, but my cucumbers are like five feet...".
A father and his son are driving down a foggy road in the early morning.
While sitting at a red light, the father turns to his son and says, You know son, when I die, I hope I turn into a horrible fog, just like this one. And the son says, Why would you want that Dad? To which the Dad replies, So I'll be mist!
( Missed if you don't get this Dad joke)
On vacation this summer my wife took an early morning walk on the beach while the kids and I ate breakfast.
When my wife got back she said there was a beached whale and we needed to see it. My son said "well it's not beached anymore, you're standing right there."
Worst son-burn ever.
Why does the dictator like to go shopping in the early morning?
Because he loves to beat the crowds.
Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.
"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."
"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"
Early One Morning
Woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird, perched on my window sill.
It sang a song so lovely, so carefree and gay.
That slowly all my troubles, began to slip away.
It sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun.
It seemed his very song, brought out the morning sun.
I pulled back the covers, and crept slowly out of bed,
and gently shut the window, and crushed his head.
I'm not a morning person
My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches
She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(
A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.
What are you doing out at this time of night? asked the officer.
I'm going to a lecture, said the drunk.
And who's going to be giving a lecture at this hour?
My wife.
Why were cornflakes invented joke
Well your favourite morning meal was invented to lower your l**... and stops you from m**... early in the morning.
Early morning. I already got one foot out of the bed.
Leprosy s**....
The meek little husband came home from work
and found his wife in the arms of a stranger man. Angrily he threw his hat and coat to the floor and screamed.
"So that's the kind of a wife you are! I leave you early in the morning, I work like a dog all day and I come home after midnight and what do I find -- NOTHING TO EAT! That I won't stand for!"
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Well that depends, is it early in the morning or not?
Doctor to patient: I've got bad news & worse news...
Patient: Give me the bad first.
Dr: Ok. Your diagnosis told us you only have 48 hours to live.
P: Oh god! What could be worse news than that?
Dr: I've been trying to reach you since early yesterday morning.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew
It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.
He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.
"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"
Bob was in trouble...
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.
We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
Living beside a groundhog means you get one prediction every morning.
Yesterday I learned that my tomatoes will be ripe in 6 weeks.
Today I learned that my dementia is onset and early.
What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,
don't let him steer that cargo freighter,
don't let him near that cargo freighter,
early in the morning.
Should've been more specific
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p**....
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
The horrible things you will do for money
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I've done some terrible things for money," he confesses to the bartender. "Like getting up early in the morning to go to work."
Bob was in trouble
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Old Man VS KGB
An old man somewhere in the Soviet Union's has dug his vase. Early in the morning two KGB officers show up at his place and ask him about his vase. He swears to God that he hasn't got any food.
Then they give him a shovel and point at the place to dig.
He digs the vase.
"Huh you silly old man. What's this? What are you hiding in it?"
"I ain't hiding anything" says he and opens the vase. It is just as empty as he said.
"You old man, I don't understand this. Why did you dig this vase into the ground then?"
"Well..." starts the old man "I had a new neighbor moving in and I was curious if is he a snitch"
A family of moles on an early breakfast morning.
The big ol papa mole raises his head up out of the hole and smells the air then says "i smell pancakes!"
Then the big ol mama mole sticks her head up out of the hole, smells the air, and says "i smell pancakes!"
Then itty bitty lil ol baby mole wiggles up between big ol papa mole and big ol mama mole, sniffs the air and exclaims "I smell molasses!"
In Self Defense
Tenant - "I simply won't stay here any longer. Those people above me banged on the floor early this morning, slammed doors, and jumped up and down as hard as they could. I won't stand it, I tell you!"
Landlady - "They woke you up, I suppose?"
Tenant - "No, I hadn't gone to bed yet. I was practicing on my saxophone."
Source: 1933 Newspaper
A man gets up early Sunday morning
He goes downstairs, puts on his bike gear, takes his bike in the garage but when he opens the door he notices it is pouring. Bummed out, he puts his bike back, undresses, goes back upstairs and crawls back under the sheets, spoons his wife and whispers: "Awful weather outside" And his wife goes: "Ha ha ha and to think my husband is out there on his bike right now"
