early Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious early stories

What are the best early puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Early? Well here is a complete list of the top early jokes:

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It's bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

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Why is everyone criticising EA?

I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.

($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).

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What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

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A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

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My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

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A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

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JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

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A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

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3 men are in a Soviet Prison

They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'

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How is the porn industry different from every other career?

It's the only job where you have to stay late if you come early.

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Aids or Alzheimer's

A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."

"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."

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"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

-"A little early isn't it, Woody?"

-"For a beer?"

-"No, for stupid questions."

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Golf lessons

A young woman has been taking golf lessons. She has just started playing her first round of golf when she suffers a bee sting. The pain is so intense she decides to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro sees her come into the clubhouse and asks, "why are you back so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee"

"where?" he asks.

"between the first and second hole," she replies.

He nods knowingly and says, "apparently your stance is too wide."

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A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

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Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

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Who here likes pickles?

A friend of mine was once employed in a pickle factory. One day, out of nowhere, he expressed a strong urge to stick his dick into the factory's pickle slicer. After a long, hard battle of will and self control, he comes home early one day to tell his wife the bad news: "I got fired for sticking my junk into the pickle slicer."
-"What happened to the pickle slicer?"
-"Oh, she got fired too."

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Anyone else experiencing bad weather?

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern tip of Connecticut. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the North wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

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Today is international premature ejaculation day

It was meant to be tomorrow, but it came early.

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Why do HK police go to work early?

To beat the crowds.

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2 Reasons Why I Should go to School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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I thought Bill Gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.

But he kept his Word.

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A guy tells his psychiatrist:

"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I sent my wife an e-mail saying I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport. And when I got home I found her in bed with my best friend! I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"

"Well," reasons the psychiatrist, "maybe she didn't get the e-mail."

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I work at a restaurant...

I work at a restaurant. A woman and her young son came walking through the door early in the morning.

I immediately approached after they were seated and asked,"What will it be today?"

The young boy was quick to exclaim,"I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN!!!"

There was a long silence.

His mother then put one hand on her head and said,"Eggs.... He wants eggs."

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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning

when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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A man comes home early from work.....

A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.

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Horse and Buggy Joke

Little Johnny got dropped off at school late one day in the early 1900's. The teacher asked why he was late and Johnny explained:

"There was a horse and buggy accident, the buggy got jammed in the horse's ass!"

"Rectum!" Exclaimed the teacher.

"Sure did." replied Johnny.

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Happy Birthday Henry

Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a hooker to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super sex."

Henry looks her over, thinks for a minute, and says "Eh, I'll take the soup."

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A man goes to the doctor...

and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.

The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"

To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."

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What's the worst thing your wife can do while you're having sex?

Come home early.

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A Child Didn't Attend School

Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"

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A woman comes home early from a business trip..

And finds that her husband is in bed with a goat.

The woman ofcourse goes ape shit.

"why the fuck is there a goat in our bed"

The husband replys, "Honey, this is the pig i've been fucking while you're away"

Wife - "That's not a pig you idiot, it's a goat"


Husband - "who said i was talking to you"

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Early this morning I was sitting on the beach wondering where the sun was...

then it dawned on me

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A girl who I've been seeing goes to sleep early.

But that's mostly from the chloroform.

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I'd rather have my orgasm denied than go off early...

Cuz hey, it's better than nuttin'

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I just arrived at my "Premature Ejaculators Anonymous" when I noticed...

... no else was there. I came too early, again.

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How many performance artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know either, I walked out early too.

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Muslim extremists have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London...

Police think it might be the early start of Ram-a-dam.

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The little boy comes home from school and asks
mom, "Where do babies come from?"

Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, "From the stork of course!"

The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, "But mom, who fucks the stork?"

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What's white and covers the road in the early morning?

Employed people.

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Soon be Christmas...

WHO SAYS doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush? Last year, I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.

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Why do the citizens of Athens hate waking up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece!

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I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early today. He said only if you make up the time

I said okay. It's quarter past a million

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Did you hear that the French President is getting divorced?

Apparently he came home early and caught his wife surrendering to a German.

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Santa Claus came early!

Mrs. Claus wasn't too happy.

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i don't get this joke

Louis CK said it was one of his terrible early standup jokes

"I asked my mom what sex was and she said 'it's what happens when Mrs. Brady turns off the lights. So I always thought sex was a commercial for paper towels"

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Why was no at the Premature Ejaculaters' support group when I arrived?

I came early.

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I got fired from my job doing porn...

I had all the dedication in the world but too many times i came in too early.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best early jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about early. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty early gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these early jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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