Early Jokes

191 early jokes and hilarious early puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about early that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article explores the human tendency to make jokes about anything that comes too early - from waking up and leaving work early, to Christmas decorations. Find out why leaving early isn't always a bad thing and how you can use your extra time to get home sooner.

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Funniest Early Short Jokes

Short early jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The early humour may include short prior jokes also.

  1. I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
  2. Justin Timberlake announces that he will be joining the war in Ukrain. Early reports suggest that he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea river
  3. What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common? They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
  4. This morning I came early to my office And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboard as I could.
    Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.
  5. I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
  6. How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern? They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
  7. My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties. He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
  8. JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. interview are being held tomorrow. Come early....
    ....beat the crowd.
  9. Russia has announced early results from the election The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.
  10. I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? , the manager asked. Not at all I replied. Good, take these drinks to table 9″

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Early One Liners

Which early one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with early? I can suggest the ones about late and earlier.

  1. Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.
  2. Because the punchline gets spoiled early. Why is this time travel joke not funny?
  3. I sneaked onto a beach early this morning. The coast was clear.
  4. Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd
  5. Mr and Mrs Lee unexpectedly had their baby early So they named him SUDDEN LEE
  6. Why did the riot police show up early to the protest? They wanted to beat the crowd.
  7. Why does the police officer get up early in the morning? To beat the crowds.
  8. Why do police get to protests early? To beat the crowd.
  9. Why do riot police wake up early? they can beat the crowds
  10. Why do you fly United early in the morning? To beat the crowd.
  11. What's great when you're at work, and terrible when you're in bed? Getting off early
  12. Why do HK police go to work early? To beat the crowds.
  13. What do you call a Dinosaur that wakes up early in the morning. An AssCrackaDon.
  14. Why do riot police get to work early? To beat the crowd
  15. The early bird might get the worm, but The second mouse *always* gets the cheese

Early Morning Jokes

Here is a list of funny early morning jokes and even better early morning puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's. And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.
  • Why do bakers start working so early in the morning? Because they knead dough.
  • How fast does light travel? I don't know. But it gets here too early in the morning.
  • I've done some terrible things for money ...... Like getting up early in the morning to go to work.
  • A haiku about early morning starts... No no no no no
    No no no no no no no
    No no no no no
  • Why did the cop get up early in the morning? To beat the crowd.
  • Early this morning I was sitting on the beach wondering where the sun was... then it dawned on me
  • What's the difference between North Korea amd South Korea? North Koreans have no Seoul.
    Thought of this very early in the morning waiting to board a plane.
  • What's white and covers the road in the early morning? Employed people.
  • I visited the wife's grave early today... A man walked by and said "Morning!"
    I replied, "No, just walking the dog."

Leaving Early Jokes

Here is a list of funny leaving early jokes and even better leaving early puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I always arrive late to work... ...but I make up for it by leaving early.
  • What do you call Batman when he leaves church early? Christian Bail
  • Why did the riot cop leave for work early? Because he had to beat the crowds.
  • Why did the cannibal leave the party early? He was fed up with people.
  • I asked my boss, Can I leave work early today? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
    Me: It's 49 past 70 o clock.
    Boss: You're fired.
  • Why did the oyster leave the party early He pulled a mussel
  • Q & A Teacher: First one to answer the next question gets to leave early.
    (Johnny immediately threw his bag out the window)
    Teacher: Who threw that bag?
    Johnny: I did! Bye guys!
  • An Understanding boss — Boss, can I leave work two hours early today? My wife wants me to go shopping with her.
    — That's out of the question.
    — Thanks, boss! I knew you wouldn't let me down.
  • "Hey Boss..." "My wife asked me to go on a shopping tour with her today. Can I leave early?"
    Boss: "No!"
    "Thank you Boss! I knew I could count on you!"
  • Give a man a fish Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon.

    Teach a man to fish, and he'll leave work early on Fridays.
Early joke, Give a man a fish

Early Start Jokes

Here is a list of funny early start jokes and even better early start puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Looks like Black Friday started early in Ferguson
  • I was stargazing in the early hours when... ...The sky started to get brighter and brighter. I couldn't understand what was happening. Then it dawned on me.
  • Don't celebrate the end of 2020 and start of 2021 too early... Next year is 2020 too.
  • Muslim extremists have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London... Police think it might be the early start of Ram-a-dam.
  • I think it worked... I looked at the sun yesterday early morning and the sun started to finally turn black.
  • My buddy and I started a mountaineering business 6 months ago, and things haven't been going so well. We may have peaked early.
  • I'm starting a support group for men who prejaculates. Don't come early though.
  • I decided to leave work an hour early today. The flight attendants started freaking out when I grabbed my parachute though.
  • I went to the doctor for some advice about my health He told me 'you should swap the late night drinking for some early morning runs'
    So I've started eating curry
  • I was walking around town and found a gun store... I went in and everything was 50% off! Great, I didn't know the Back to School sales started this early.

Waking Up Early Jokes

Here is a list of funny waking up early jokes and even better waking up early puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • People in Athens have a hard time waking up early Because dawn is tough on grease
  • I'm Mexican and I think we should go to bed early Tomorrow we need to wake up early to go build the wall.
  • Why do the citizens of Athens hate waking up early? Because Dawn is tough on Greece!
  • Why did the Spanish police wake up and arrive early? So they could beat the crowd
  • I have done some really bad things for money Like waking up early for work.
  • As I checked into a hotel, I asked the receptionist for a wake-up call. She said, you are smoking and drinking yourself to an early death.
  • My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(
  • Might wake up early and go for a jog. Might also win the lottery... odds are about the same.
  • "Dad, can we wake up early to watch the sun rise?" "No, but you can wake up early to watch dad rise."
  • "Hey dad, would you like to wake up early to see the sun rise?" "No, but wouldn't you rather wake up early to see dad rise instead?"

Leaving Work Early Jokes

Here is a list of funny leaving work early jokes and even better leaving work early puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A tiny bucket asks to leave work early because he's sick His boss looks him over. Alright you can, i notice you are a little pail.
  • Why was the doctor forced to leave work early? The hospital ran all out of patience
  • Coming in early and leaving late are generally great and admired qualities. Some women just don't appreciate a strong work ethic I suppose.
  • I have named my bed Dr. Bed. That way I can leave work early for my "doctor's appointment."
  • I had to leave work early to day .. I had a appointment with a horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor is beyond me
  • I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… "Were you fired?"
  • Why did the French Police leave early for work? They wanted to beat the crowd.
  • Why do French riot police leave early for work? So they can beat the crowd.
  • Why did the French ZOG officer leave early for work? So he could beat the crowds.
  • Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon; teach a man to fish and he'll leave work early on Fridays.
Early joke, Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon; teach a man to fish and he'll leave work early on Frid

Cheeky Early Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity

What funny jokes about early you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ahead jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make early pranks.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It's bec..
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Why is everyone criticising EA?

I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.
($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).

So the pope is SUPER EARLY for his flight

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

-"A little early isn't it, w**...?"
-"For a beer?"
-"No, for s**... questions."

The Heart Attack

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband n**... lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally n**... and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten b**...', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
n**... playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

3 men are in a Soviet Prison

They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'

A man comes home early from work.....

A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.

A guy tells his psychiatrist:

"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I sent my wife an e-mail saying I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport. And when I got home I found her in bed with my best friend! I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," reasons the psychiatrist, "maybe she didn't get the e-mail."

Golf lessons

A young woman has been taking golf lessons. She has just started playing her first round of golf when she suffers a bee sting. The pain is so intense she decides to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro sees her come into the clubhouse and asks, "why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee"
"where?" he asks.
"between the first and second hole," she replies.
He nods knowingly and says, "apparently your stance is too wide."

Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

Happy Birthday Henry

Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a h**... to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super s**...."
Henry looks her over, thinks for a minute, and says "Eh, I'll take the soup."

A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut're next!''

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning

when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Aids or Alzheimer's

A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."
"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have s**... with her."

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

I work at a restaurant...

I work at a restaurant. A woman and her young son came walking through the door early in the morning.
I immediately approached after they were seated and asked,"What will it be today?"
The young boy was quick to exclaim,"I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN!!!"
There was a long silence.
His mother then put one hand on her head and said,"Eggs.... He wants eggs."

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!
Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

The Final Exam

The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"

A Child Didn't Attend School

Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"

Gimme a triple shot of Jack

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having s**... with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"

I thought Bill Gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.

But he kept his Word.

2 Reasons Why I Should go to School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

A man goes to the doctor...

and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.
The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"
To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane c**... early this morning.
Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"

A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.

So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"

A student visits his teacher man early in the morning

And sits on in a chair. The teacher man looks up and offers the pupil a cup of coffee.
"Sure, I'll take a mug of joe," says the student.
The teacher pours a cup, and gives it to the kid. The student takes a sip, and nearly gags.
"The is terrible! Seriously! What is this, mud??"
"Well," the professor replies, "it was ground just this morning."

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."

It was Christmas day.....

and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."

"What are those things on mommy's chest?"

A young boy once asked his father: "DAD, what are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied: "Son, those are mommy's balloons you see, before she dies they get pumped up and she floats to heaven."
A couple days later, the father comes home early from work and sits on the couch. The young boy runs downstairs screaming: "DAD! DAD! MOM'S DYING!" The father get's up quickly and asks: "WHAT'S WRONG!!" The young boy replies: "UNCLE JAKE'S UPSTAIRS BLOWING UP MOMMY'S BALLOONS AND SHE'S YELLING OH GOD I'M COMING!"

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.

My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was "practically screaming out at her"

That's the last time I buy her an orphan

A Rich Woman And Her Butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and p**...." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"

In the mid 1800s a primitive c**... was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.

It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.

Stages of man's sexuality [OC]

1. Puberty: m**... in secrecy and shame.
2. Early adulthood: comfortable m**... in your room and some casual s**... with strangers.
3. First serious relationship: wild s**... all the time.
4. First years of marriage: steady and regular s**....
5. Marriage after children: m**... in secrecy and shame.

Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration?

To beat the crowds.

Life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's f**..., she stopped in to see you."

I was having s**... with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.
In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

Little Johnny is back

In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".
Little Johnny threw his bag outside.
Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"
Johnny answered: "It's mine....
bye bye!"

A wife has a c**... day and decides to come home early from work

When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".

Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift?

He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.

Jimmy in the school..

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

Cheating wife

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said.
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having s**... with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? "
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.

Why was the Router released early from prison?

It had connections.

A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"
The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."
When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.

His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday

I have recently become a new man

I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...

Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..

s**... is like Christmas.

I get excited way too early.

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.

What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…

One day, a teacher said "Whoever can answer my next question can get dismissed now".

Tom threw his bag outside the window.
The teacher asked angrily "Who threw the bag?"
Tom answered "It's me! "
Tom got dismissed early.

I came back home early today...

... and ask my wife in our bedroom if she's cheating on me.
She laughs.
I laugh.
The wardrobe laughs.
What a nice day.

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, what's wrong? I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

Why's the leader of Russia always late?

Is trick question. If Comerad Stalin appears late, it is only because we were early. All glory to mother Russia.

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

What are you doing out at this time of night? asked the officer.
I'm going to a lecture, said the drunk.
And who's going to be giving a lecture at this hour?
My wife.

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"

I tried to make a s**... tape

I came early, so now it's a GIF.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It's bec..."

Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa.

Because tomorrow he turns 81! Happy early bday grandpa!

Early joke, Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa.

jokes about early