earlier Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious earlier puns

Milk

Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: Oh no

Me: What

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk


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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

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A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

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Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

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What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?

A Guantanamo Bae


Thought of this one earlier and just had to share

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Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

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All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous.

I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.

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I walked in on my brother masturbating earlier.

He completely froze. After what seemed like an eternity he managed the words "Why the fuck are you masturbating?!"

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier

The lady asked 'would you like to masturbate in the cup?'

I replied 'I'm good, I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet.'

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I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn't understand.

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Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!

Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.

And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.

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I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.

I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"

He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

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Fish and chips

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just put the phone down on me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought

who in the hell names their kid "Earlier"?

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Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier on.

He was on crack, she was on blow.

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Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in

He never stood a chance against 5 of us

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I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...

It could be a terminal illness.

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I ejaculated six feet earlier.

Strange, usually I ejaculate semen.

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i got complimented on my driving earlier

they left a note on the car saying parking fine

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I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

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Riding with Uber earlier..

The driver said,

"I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."

Then I said, "Turn Left.

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this guy from over the road......

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

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I was asked, Tits man or ass man?

I really wish I had gotten there earlier when they were giving out super hero names...

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"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," the bloke from over the road confided with me earlier

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

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I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...

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Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

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Earlier today a German Shepard jumped over the fence and took a shit on my lawn

Then 30 minutes later his dog came and did the same thing.

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I was watching a movie with my son earlier.

Gripping my hand he said: "Dad I'm scared, is that woman going to die?".

"Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes".

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet'

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Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'

Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

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A policeman said he wanted to search my car.

"You won't find any drugs," I told him.

He said, "You don't sound sure about that."

I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

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What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?

An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.

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"What is inflation?" asked the CA's wife

"Initially you were 36-24-36, and now you're 48-40-48. So technically, you have more than you had earlier, but your value is less than earlier. THIS IS INFLATION"

Economics is not so difficult if we have the right examples.

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I had a job interview earlier today and the boss asked me, What would you say is one of your biggest character flaws?

I said, 'Well I can be brutally honest at times.' And the boss said, No way! I think that's a wonderful asset actually.

And I said, 'I really don't give a fuck what you think.'

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What are the most funny Earlier jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Earlier? Well, here are the best Earlier dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Earlier pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes