earlier Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious earlier puns

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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Milk

Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: Oh no

Me: What

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk


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Sex Joke (Long)

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.
The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.
Why aren't we going anywhere? asked the girl.
Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

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LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

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An American man is drinking in a pub in Ireland...

He stands up and says "If anyone here can drink 10 pints of guiness in 10 minutes I'll give him 100 dollars!"


No one answers him and one man walks out of the pub.


The American goes back to his drink and someone taps him on the shoulder 15 minutes later. It was the Irish man who had walked out earlier. "Does your bet still stand?" He asks.


The American says yes and gets him his pints. The Irishman then drinks all 10 in 10 minutes.


The American gives him his money, he says "That was amazing! But why did you leave earlier?"


The Irish man says "I went to the pub across the road to make sure I could do it first!"

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A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

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Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

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What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?

A Guantanamo Bae


Thought of this one earlier and just had to share

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Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

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All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous.

I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.

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I walked in on my brother masturbating earlier.

He completely froze. After what seemed like an eternity he managed the words "Why the fuck are you masturbating?!"

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier

The lady asked 'would you like to masturbate in the cup?'

I replied 'I'm good, I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet.'

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I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn't understand.

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Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!

Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.

And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.

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My stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap earlier today...

He was high on my list of priorities...

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A whale of a joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.

I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"

He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

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A couple of whales.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

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Fish and chips

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just put the phone down on me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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I tried to post a joke about foreskin earlier...

but it got removed

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I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought

who in the hell names their kid "Earlier"?

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A date with a twist..

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

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Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier on.

He was on crack, she was on blow.

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Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in

He never stood a chance against 5 of us

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I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...

It could be a terminal illness.

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I ejaculated six feet earlier.

Strange, usually I ejaculate semen.

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i got complimented on my driving earlier

they left a note on the car saying parking fine

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I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

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Riding with Uber earlier..

The driver said,

"I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."

Then I said, "Turn Left.

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this guy from over the road......

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

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I was asked, Tits man or ass man?

I really wish I had gotten there earlier when they were giving out super hero names...

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"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," the bloke from over the road confided with me earlier

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

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A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...

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Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

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Earlier today a German Shepard jumped over the fence and took a shit on my lawn

Then 30 minutes later his dog came and did the same thing.

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I was watching a movie with my son earlier.

Gripping my hand he said: "Dad I'm scared, is that woman going to die?".

"Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes".

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet'

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Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'

Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

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A ventriloquist decides to retire to and buy a farm.

So this ventriloquist decided he is going to retire and buy a farm. He sees a farm for sale from an old widowed farmer. He meets the farmer and learns his name is farmer Brown. The farmer is showing him around and the ventriloquist decides he will have a little fun with the farmer. As they walk past the chicken coop the ventriloquist throws his voice. Farmer Brown you need to take are eggs earlier instead of letting us sit on them so long. The Farmer is clearly stunned as the ventriloquist chuckles to himself. Next they go by the cow pen. The ventriloquist throws his voice again and goes Farmer Brown you should warm up your hands before milking us. The Farmer is clearly unsettled. They start to go a little farther and Farmer Brown looks at the ventriloquist and goes. Don't believe the sheep they are liars every last one of them....

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A policeman said he wanted to search my car.

"You won't find any drugs," I told him.

He said, "You don't sound sure about that."

I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

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What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?

An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.

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I got fired from the keyboard factory earlier today

I wasn't putting in enough shifts

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"What is inflation?" asked the CA's wife

"Initially you were 36-24-36, and now you're 48-40-48. So technically, you have more than you had earlier, but your value is less than earlier. THIS IS INFLATION"

Economics is not so difficult if we have the right examples.

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I had a job interview earlier today and the boss asked me, What would you say is one of your biggest character flaws?

I said, 'Well I can be brutally honest at times.' And the boss said, No way! I think that's a wonderful asset actually.

And I said, 'I really don't give a fuck what you think.'

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Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier today...

He was on crack, she was on blow...

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A man is talking to a sperm bank employee.

Man: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."

Sperm bank employee: "What glass of milk?"

Man: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."

Sperm bank employee: "Oh my god."

Man: "What?"

Sperm bank employee: "You drank my glass of milk."

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Hooker in a cab...

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

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I ejaculated six feet earlier.

Strange, I usually ejaculate semen.

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So earlier I held the door for an Asian guy...

He said "Sank you" ...so I punched him. I couldn't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.ο»Ώ

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I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, Dad I'm scared, is that woman going to die? .

I said, Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes .

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A spider crawled into my keyboard earlier.

It's okay, I've got him under Ctrl.

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Two black eyes

A man walks into a bar and sits down with his buddies. His buddies look up at him a notice that he now has two black eyes that he didnt have earlier. So they ask him what happened.

The man explains " well i was out at the mall today and i was riding up the escalator you see, and there was a woman up infront of me. I looked her over and noticed that her skirt was visibly stuck in her buttcrack. So me, trying to be a nice guy i reach up and pulled it out for her. She turned around lookin' awful upset and punched me square in my left eye."

The guys all laugh, but then one asks. "well how did you get the other black eye?"

The man explains "well i figured if she was so mad that i pulled her skirt out, that maybe she wanted it there. So i poked my finger in there to put it back."

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I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater

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A software engineer walks into a bar.

He sits down and sees the bartender yelling at the computer when trying to process a customer's order.

"Why are you yelling at the computer?" the engineer asks.

"Nothing is working! The software on the computer is riddled with bugs!" responds the bartender.

The engineer takes a look at the computer and notices the software it is running was actually written by himself a few years earlier. Immediately, he gets offended.

"Those aren't bugs!" the engineer yelled. "Those are alternative features!"

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I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence...

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

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Guess what I got asked at the hairdresser's earlier.

Fucking everything.

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Do you want to know why I called your girlfriend a tractor?

Because she's an upgrade to that hoe you had earlier.

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"You know that the clock fell down yesterday?", says a woman to her husband.

"If it fell only two minutes earlier, it would have fallen on my mother's head! Like really, she could have been dead!"

The man responds,"I always said the damn thing was slow"

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Paddy and Murphy are in a dark cave.

Paddy says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?"

Murphy hands Paddy a match, which Paddy strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing.

Paddy says to Murphy "This match doesn't work."

"That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earlier."

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Earlier today, I made up a joke to tell you guys, but um...

tsh.

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I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier

So going to the bathroom could spell disaster

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Earlier today I saw 4 guys beating this kid up in an alleyway, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against the 5 of us.

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Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

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I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier.


Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US.

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Saudi TV Mistake

Saudi Arabia TV reported the Brussels attack 15 minutes earlier than it actually happened. Saudi TV sincerely apologizes for this innocent mistake.

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My favorite tree died earlier.

Now I have mourning wood.

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Lip Balm To My Wife

Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She's still not talking to me.

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I Ejaculated 6 Feet Earlier.

Which is weird, as I usually ejaculate semen.

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I was nervous no one would come to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting...

Luckily, everyone came earlier than expected!

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TIL: Chuck Norris died earlier this month

But the Grim Reaper hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.

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264 students died in a school fire...

in Beijing earlier today. The most tragic thing was they all got out safely, ran around the building, and then ran back inside.

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I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

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I was waiting at the bus stop earlier....

...when a bloke just walked up to me and hit me with a stick for no reason.


Needless to say I kicked the shit out off him and just to teach him a lesson I punched his Labrador too!

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Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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My girlfriend did a lie detector test.

"According to the results," said the conductor, "your girlfriend has been unfaithful."

I paused for a moment, then said, "Just how reliable are these results?"

"Extremely," he replied. "She gave me a blowjob in the car park earlier."

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I turned into a cat earlier

Don't ask meow

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A young man on his first date.

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex. The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. Why aren't we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…

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I swallowed some food coloring earlier.

I think I dyed a little inside.

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Was having anal sex with my bf earlier

...and ended up being late to class. When I arrived the professor asked why I was late and I promptly responded, "sorry I got rear ended"

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A door to door salesman knocked on a door and a woman answered.

Salesman - Hello. Would you like to buy a book titled '500 Excuses to Tell Your Wife After Staying Out Late'?

Woman - Why on earth would I buy a book like that?

Salesman - Because I sold a copy to your husband earlier today.

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Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm

but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She's still not talking to me.

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I called a large woman fat earlier...

...she turned round and said "Fuck you, you can't say anything I haven't heard before."

So I said "I love you."

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I got really emotional at the petrol station earlier.

I don't know what came over me, I just started filling up.

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I tried to buy some cough syrup earlier, but apparently you need photographic ID.

Anyhow, I solved the problem.

I bought a huge box of laxatives and took them all - now I'm far too scared to cough.

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Benefits of hairspray, who knew?

A young guy was driving down the road. He had been fired earlier that day, and his girlfriend had broken up with him just the day prior. While thinking of his predicament the young driver doesn't see the young rabbit in the road, and sadly hits the poor animal.

The young driver pulls over rushes to check on the animal. When the young guy finds the poor dead thing on the side of the road he finally breaks down, and starts to bawl.

A female driver sees this scene, and pulls over to help this hysterical man. She approaches and asks if she can help, but the only thing the man can do is just cry. The woman stops, thinks, and then goes back to her car.

She comes back with a can, and sprays the dead rabbit. Suddenly the rabbit springs to life! It hops away about ten feet then turns and waves. The rabbit keeps on doing this. Hopping about ten feet, then it would turn, and wave.

The male driver can't believe it. He looks over and reads the can. HAIRSPRAY: Revitalize dead hair and add wave!

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my mate rang me earlier....

My mate rang me earlier and says "Hey dude, what you up to?" "Probably failing my driving test" I say

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Bill Cosby's lawyer fell asleep during testimony...

Apparently he and Bill had a lunch date earlier.

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Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss earlier...

"Just pop it in the corner" he said

It took me five fucking hours!

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You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."

You see, I just came in my pants.

"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."

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The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.

I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."



*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*

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I got into a fight against three people earlier and managed to knock one out...

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best time to masturbate.

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a blonde and a redhead are in a bar

When they see a man on the news threatening to jump off of a building. The redhead says "bet you 50 bucks he jumps" to which the blonde replies "you're on!". Sure enough, the man jumps and kills himself. The blonde goes to grab the $50 from her purse but the redhead stops her and says " I can't take your money. This is a repeat of an earlier story. I've seen this already." The blonde grabs the $50, puts it on the bar and says "so did I. I just didn't think he'd do it twice!"

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I was reading earlier about a dwarf who got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

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A man is sitting at the bar getting ready to take a shot when...

A stranger walks up to the bar next to him, grabs the shot out of his hand, and takes it. The man looks up stunned at the stranger and the stranger says "Is there a problem"?

The man says "Well, yeah. I thought it was impossible for me to fuck anything else up, and then you came along". Stranger says "What's that supposed to mean"? Man says "Well, earlier today I got to work late and I was fired. I came home early to find my wife in bed with another man and now we're getting a divorce. Then I parked my car in front of the bar and it was just towed. As I poured some cyanide into that shot you just stole from me I thought to myself, I can't possibly screw anything else up, and then you came along..."

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I swallowed some Scrabble tiles earlier.

I am not looking forward to my next vowel movement.

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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

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One Hot Night

A young man and his hot date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a whore and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

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The right price

A man approaches a woman in a bar:

-- Miss, if I offer you a million dollars, would you agree to have sex with me?

-- Yes, of course.

-- But what if I give you only $50?

-- Are you crazy? What kind of woman do you think I am?

-- That's what we established earlier, now I'm just trying to negotiate the price.

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Ate 3 bowls of alphabet soup earlier...

Just took the biggest vowel movement.

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Earlier today I told my Christian friend to Have a Good Friday. He didn't catch my pun.

I'm not surprised. Jokes like this usually Pass Over his head.

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A blonde and a redhead are sitting in a bar

and on TV is news footage of a guy threatening to jump off of a building. The redhead says "Hundred bucks says he jumps." The blonde says "You're on!" and they precede to watch. After about 2 or 3 minutes of crying, the man jumps off of the building. The blonde reaches into her purse and grabs the money but the redhead shakes her head and says "I can't take your money. This is from earlier today, I've already seen this." "So did I." Said the blonde "I just didn't think he'd do it twice!"

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Paid a visit to 'www.conjunctivitis.com' earlier...

Believe me, it's a site for sore eyes.

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I think my gran has Alzheimer's.

She called me Dave earlier when my name is Carson. Either that or she's thinking of someone else while we're having sex.

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My wife has been keeping secrets from me.

I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.

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I got caught taking a piss in the swimming pool earlier...

The lifeguard shouted so loudly that I nearly fell in!

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A farmer's wife is cooking breakfast for the family

The wife serves the farmer's breakfast first, then the farmer's daughter, then a plate for herself, and calls the family down. The farmer's son enters, and sees that he's been given nothing, and he protest, "Where's my eggs? My bacon? My milk?"

The wife replies, "I saw you kick the chickens, earlier so no eggs for a week. I also saw you kick the pig, so no bacon for a week. And I saw you kick the cow, so no milk for a week."

Just then the farmer walks in, kicking the cat as he enters. The boy looks to his mother, "should you tell him or should I?"

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My dad said something earlier that gave me chills.

He said, "I'm turning off the heating."

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A woman is in bed with a man she shouldn't be with

Her husband is away on a business trip. Suddenly she hears the sound of the front door opening, her husband is back earlier than she expected.

"Quick! Hide in the bathroom!", she says to the man in her bed, he scampers off quickly.

The husband walks into the bedroom and sees his wife naked. Thinking on her feet she says "You must have had a long journey, come to bed and make love to me."

"That sounds great, I'll just have a quick shower, let me pop to the bathroom."

He opens the door and is confronted with a man, barefoot to the neck, looking into the distance, clapping with his arms outstretched.

The husband asks "Who are you?"

"From the council", the man replied, "your wife phoned us up and said you had a moth problem"

"But you're not wearing any clothes?!"

The man suddenly looked down at his naked body and looking shocked he exclaimed: "The bastards!"

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Somalis at the Olympics...

The Somalian Olympic Committee issued an official apology earlier in the week, after realising that sailing and shooting are separate events.

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So a string walks into a bar...

and the bartender says to him, "Hey no strings allowed. Get out!" So he goes out side, messes himself up, ties himself up, and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string from earlier?" "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

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Went to the shop earlier today, saw a man throwing all the milk, cheese, yoghurt etc

I thought to myself...

"How dairy?".

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I went into the bank earlier to check my balance

Got some funny looks standing on one leg with my arms outstretched

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An Italian, An Irishman and a Chinese fellow.

Hopefully not posted earlier.

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, You're in charge of sweeping. He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, You're in charge of digging. Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, And you're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.

Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby. Why didn't you touch it? he says. The Italian looks at him. We didn't have a broom or shovel. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn't find him. Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand and yells Supplies!

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My friend was dating a communist

He should have noticed earlier; there were a lot of red flags.

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Justin Bieber....

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

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I slipped on some black ice earlier today...

I thought it was regular ice, but when I got up my wallet was missing.

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Have you been drinking sir?

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.

"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.

"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go."

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A British vampire walks inside a bar...

The bartender offers him a glass of fresh blood but he refused. Instead, the vampire just asked for a cup of warm water. The bartender asked him why to which the vampire replied, "Well, I found some used tampons earlier. I'm just going to make some tea."

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The man who stutters tremendously finds a horse...

The man who stutters tremendously finds a horse on the street in Brooklyn. He decides call the police.
Man: I've f-f-found a w-w-wandering h-h-horse.
Policeman: Okay. We will come. Where are you now?
Man: In Br-r ... (stutters tremendously)
Policeman: Bronx?
Man: Br-r ... Damn (hangs up because he can not speak anymore)
He calls again.
Man: I've c-c-called earlier a-a-about the h-h-horse.
Policeman: Okay. Where are you?
Man: In Br-r ... (stutters tremendously)
Policeman: Bronx?
Man: Br-r ... Damn (hangs up again)
He calls again and once again they repeat the same unsuccessful conversation as before.
Half an hour later the man calls again.
Man: I'm c-c-calling for the h-horse.
Policeman: Where are you?
Man: In Br-r ...
Policeman: Bronx?
Man: Yes, I am. I've d-d-dragged it there.

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Another sad news on an international celebrity...

Justin Bieber was found alive in her condo earlier today.

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I over boiled some venison broth earlier...

It was deerly mist.

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I was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year

Which is great, I can finally make cancer jokes without feeling bad about it

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What do men and public toilets have in common?

All the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.

*this is a response to an earlier joke comparing women to parking spots*

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A rope walked into a bar

The rope asked the bartender: "can I get a
Bud Lite?"

The bartender responded: "Sir, we don't serve ropes"

The rope went into the bathroom with a knife and frayed himself, then went back to the bar

The rope asked again: "Can I get a Bud Lite?"

The bartender responded: "weren't you that guy who was here earlier?"

The rope responded: "I'm afrayed not sir"

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My local Greek restaurant just started serving tacos and burritos....

I tried it earlier today and it turns out it's plain old Greecey Mexican food.

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Ooops

Joe bursts into a house with great urgency

Joe: "Mom! I just saw dad doing something with the neighbor lady!" exclaimed Joe

Mom: "What is that?"

Joe: "She was kneeling in front of him, and he was pushing that...thing into her mouth"

Mom: "Well, how about you tell that to everybody at the party tonight" said mom coyly.

Later that evening at the party:

Joe: "I have something to say to all of you. Earlier today I saw my dad pushing his....Mom, what is it called, the thing that mailman always pushes in your mouth?"

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier

The Nurse asked if I would masturbate in the cup
I said "I'm good but not ready to compete in a tournament yet"

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Police, Police, there is a fight going on

A kid goes up to a police officer:
"Police, Police, there is a fight going on for half hour!"
The police officer asks the kid: If its been going on for half hour, why didn't you call me earlier?
The kid answers: "Because my dad was winning at that time!"

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I was so bored earlier I made a belt out of watches.

It was a complete waist of time.

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I am a fried nut

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tied up and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."

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I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.

He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.

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I called a rape advice line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

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My wife got really mad at me earlier when I tried to force feed our young son...

"Just use the fork!" she said. "You're not a Jedi!"

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Lazy Dad

I was shopping in Tesco with my Daughter earlier & she turned around and said "Your such a lazy bastard dad"
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley!

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Earlier today I really needed a drink to quench my thirst and apple juice wasn't really doing it for me

but OJ did it

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A newlywed wife makes her husband pay her a dollar before they have sex.

The husband shrugs and forks it over. This continues throughout the marriage; every time they have sex, he has to pay her a buck.
The husband comes home one day many years later, earlier than usual, and informs the wife that he's lost his job, and he's unsure how they will continue. His wife shows him a bank statement with an account holding over $500,000. "Where did you get this?" he asks. "Remember that dollar you paid me ever time you wanted to have sex? It added up over the years." The husband begins sobbing loudly, and the wife is mystified. "Why are you crying? We're saved!", she says. He replies, "If only I'd brought you ALL my business!"

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These guys took offence earlier because I said "midget" instead of "little person", so I restarted my story.

I said, "OK, so I was fucking this dead little person..."

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A woman is in a coma...

Desperate for ways to wake her up, the husband frantically asks the hospital staff what can be done. No one had an answer. Later that night as he sit by her side, a nurse from earlier in day is finishing her shift and pops in the room to give some last minute advice. "You know, it may not help, but I've heard of instances where oral sex has pulled a woman out of a coma"
Twenty minute later the woman's vital sign monitor alarm goes off. The doctors and nurses rush into the room to find the husband zipping up his pants and buckling his belt.
"I don't think it helped her, but I sure feel better"

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Tragedy in Eastern Canada

Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as searching continues through the evening.

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My dad got me with this one earlier.

"So, you know how ships from America are USS whatever, right? Well, that stands for United States Ship. In England, they use HMS. And that means Her Majesty's Ship. In Italy, though, they use AMB. Know what that means?"

"What?"

"ATTSA MY BOAT!"

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Earlier today I had a Titanic thought.

It was *unthinkable*.

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier...

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said "I'm good but not ready for competition just yet."

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I was talking to my friend earlier.

I thought to myself, "Why are you called Earlier?"

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Why was the math book sad?

It had lots of problems.

[My little brother told me this earlier.]

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So a piece of string goes into a bar...

The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind here."

The string goes outside, twists itself, and parts its hair.

And the string goes back inside, and the bartender yells, "aren't you the same guy from earlier!"

The string replies only with, "I'm a frayed knot."

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I nearly talked my way out of a speeding fine earlier by telling this Police woman she looked bloody stunning

Then I went and fucked it up by saying, 'And that's not the drink talking either'

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What are the best Earlier puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Earlier? Well, here are the best jokes about Earlier to have fun with.

Joko Jokes