Earlier Jokes

134 earlier jokes and hilarious earlier puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about earlier that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Earlier Short Jokes

Short earlier jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The earlier humour may include short earliest jokes also.

  1. I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
  2. I love you honey pie, my wife said earlier. And I love you tons, I replied. What, no nickname for me? She asked.
    Sometimes I swear she's going deaf.
  3. Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.
  4. I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier... He made me an offer I couldn't understand.
  5. I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier. I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"
    He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"
    I said, "Your parents."
  6. Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in He never stood a chance against 5 of us
  7. I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.
  8. Riding with Uber earlier.. The driver said,
    "I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."
    Then I said, "Turn Left.
  9. Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer' Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.
  10. A policeman said he wanted to search my car. "You won't find any drugs," I told him.
    He said, "You don't sound sure about that."
    I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

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Earlier One Liners

Which earlier one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with earlier? I can suggest the ones about early and prior.

  1. Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier on. He was on crack, she was on blow.
  2. I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier... It could be a terminal illness.
  3. i got complimented on my driving earlier they left a note on the car saying parking fine
  4. A spider crawled into my keyboard earlier. It's okay, I've got him under Ctrl.
  5. I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
  6. My favorite tree died earlier. Now I have mourning wood.
  7. A group of homosexuals were staring at me earlier. But I've got no problems with gaze.
  8. I turned into a cat earlier Don't ask meow
  9. I swallowed some food coloring earlier. I think I dyed a little inside.
  10. I was reading earlier about a dwarf who got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
  11. Ate 3 bowls of alphabet soup earlier... Just took the biggest vowel movement.
  12. I over boiled some venison broth earlier... It was deerly mist.
  13. Blundered at the supermarket earlier, went in for 6 cans of Sprite picked 7up
  14. I ate a clock earlier It was really time consuming.
  15. Earlier today I had a Titanic thought. It was *unthinkable*.

Earlier joke, Earlier today I had a Titanic thought.

Quirky and Hilarious Earlier Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.

What funny jokes about earlier you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean recently jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make earlier pranks.


Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier
s**... bank employee: What glass of milk
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
s**... bank employee: Oh no
Me: What
s**... bank employee: You drank my glass of milk

So a string walks into a bar...

and the bartender says to him, "Hey no strings allowed. Get out!" So he goes out side, messes himself up, ties himself up, and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string from earlier?" "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

264 students died in a school fire...

in Beijing earlier today. The most tragic thing was they all got out safely, ran around the building, and then ran back inside.

A whale tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the b**..., but I absolutely refuse to s**... the s**...."

Somalis at the Olympics...

The Somalian Olympic Committee issued an official apology earlier in the week, after realising that sailing and shooting are separate events.

my mate rang me earlier....

My mate rang me earlier and says "Hey dude, what you up to?" "Probably failing my driving test" I say

If al gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

The right price

A man approaches a woman in a bar:
-- Miss, if I offer you a million dollars, would you agree to have s**... with me?
-- Yes, of course.
-- But what if I give you only $50?
-- Are you crazy? What kind of woman do you think I am?
-- That's what we established earlier, now I'm just trying to negotiate the price.

Police, Police, there is a fight going on

A kid goes up to a police officer:
"Police, Police, there is a fight going on for half hour!"
The police officer asks the kid: If its been going on for half hour, why didn't you call me earlier?
The kid answers: "Because my dad was winning at that time!"

I called that r**... Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier.

Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US.

Have you been drinking sir?

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.
"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.
"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go."

My local Greek restaurant just started serving tacos and burritos....

I tried it earlier today and it turns out it's plain old Greecey Mexican food.

Another sad news on an international celebrity...

Justin Bieber was found alive in her condo earlier today.

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence...

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

A couple of whales.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the b**..., but I absolutely refuse to s**... the s**...".

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?

"What is inflation?" asked the CA's wife

"Initially you were 36-24-36, and now you're 48-40-48. So technically, you have more than you had earlier, but your value is less than earlier. THIS IS INFLATION"
Economics is not so difficult if we have the right examples.

Tragedy in Eastern Canada

Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as searching continues through the evening.

The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.

I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."
*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*

I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.

He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.

Paid a visit to '' earlier...

Believe me, it's a site for sore eyes.

I witnessed an attempted m**... earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...

What do you call a t**...'s girlfriend?

A Guantanamo Bae
Thought of this one earlier and just had to share

Edited from my mistake earlier today: what do paedophiles and n**... have in common?

They can both s**... a Vietnamese orphan in under 30 seconds.

p**... and Murphy are in a dark cave.

p**... says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?"
Murphy hands p**... a match, which p**... strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing.
p**... says to Murphy "This match doesn't work."
"That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earlier."

Saudi TV Mistake

Saudi Arabia TV reported the Brussels attack 15 minutes earlier than it actually happened. Saudi TV sincerely apologizes for this innocent mistake.

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

A British vampire walks inside a bar...

The bartender offers him a glass of fresh blood but he refused. Instead, the vampire just asked for a cup of warm water. The bartender asked him why to which the vampire replied, "Well, I found some used tampons earlier. I'm just going to make some tea."

My dad said something earlier that gave me chills.

He said, "I'm turning off the heating."

Lip Balm To My Wife

Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She's still not talking to me.

Do you want to know why I called your girlfriend a tractor?

Because she's an upgrade to that h**... you had earlier.

I think my gran has Alzheimer's.

She called me Dave earlier when my name is Carson. Either that or she's thinking of someone else while we're having s**....

My friend was dating a communist

He should have noticed earlier; there were a lot of red flags.

Justin Bieber....

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Just found out I was dating a c**...

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

Woke up to a b**... earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

I got really emotional at the petrol station earlier.

I don't know what came over me, I just started filling up.

My wife has been keeping secrets from me.

I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.

Went to the shop earlier today, saw a man throwing all the milk, cheese, yoghurt etc

I thought to myself...

"How dairy?".

I tried to buy some cough syrup earlier, but apparently you need photographic ID.

Anyhow, I solved the problem.
I bought a huge box of laxatives and took them all - now I'm far too scared to cough.

I was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year

Which is great, I can finally make cancer jokes without feeling bad about it

I swallowed some Scrabble tiles earlier.

I am not looking forward to my next vowel movement.

A rope walked into a bar

The rope asked the bartender: "can I get a
Bud Lite?"
The bartender responded: "Sir, we don't serve ropes"
The rope went into the bathroom with a knife and frayed himself, then went back to the bar
The rope asked again: "Can I get a Bud Lite?"
The bartender responded: "weren't you that guy who was here earlier?"
The rope responded: "I'm afrayed not sir"

Earlier today I saw 4 guys beating this kid up in an alleyway, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against the 5 of us.

Fish and chips

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just put the phone down on me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

A door to door salesman knocked on a door and a woman answered.

Salesman - Hello. Would you like to buy a book titled '500 Excuses to Tell Your Wife After Staying Out Late'?
Woman - Why on earth would I buy a book like that?
Salesman - Because I sold a copy to your husband earlier today.

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!

Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.
And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.

TIL: Chuck Norris died earlier this month

But the Grim Reaper hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.

I went into the bank earlier to check my balance

Got some funny looks standing on one leg with my arms outstretched

Earlier today I told my Christian friend to Have a Good Friday. He didn't catch my pun.

I'm not surprised. Jokes like this usually Pass Over his head.

Bill Cosby's lawyer fell asleep during testimony...

Apparently he and Bill had a lunch date earlier.

I am a fried nut

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all t**... and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."

A man is talking to a s**... bank employee.

Man: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."
s**... bank employee: "What glass of milk?"
Man: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."
s**... bank employee: "Oh my god."
Man: "What?"
s**... bank employee: "You drank my glass of milk."

Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.
Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

A young man on his first date.

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have s**... when the girl stopped. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a h**... and I charge $20 for s**.... The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. Why aren't we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…

A man was shot earlier today with a starter's p**...

Police suspect the incident was race related.

Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.
I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

A man threw a jar of mayonnaise at me earlier

I was like what the h**... man

Earlier joke, A man threw a jar of mayonnaise at me earlier

jokes about earlier