earlier Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious earlier stories

What are the best earlier puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Earlier? Well here is a complete list of the top earlier jokes:


Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: Oh no

Me: What

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk


If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...


Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.


this guy from over the road......

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"


A spider crawled into my keyboard earlier.

It's okay, I've got him under Ctrl.


I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier.

Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US.


264 students died in a school fire...

in Beijing earlier today. The most tragic thing was they all got out safely, ran around the building, and then ran back inside.


I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.


my mate rang me earlier....

My mate rang me earlier and says "Hey dude, what you up to?" "Probably failing my driving test" I say


The right price

A man approaches a woman in a bar:

-- Miss, if I offer you a million dollars, would you agree to have sex with me?

-- Yes, of course.

-- But what if I give you only $50?

-- Are you crazy? What kind of woman do you think I am?

-- That's what we established earlier, now I'm just trying to negotiate the price.


Somalis at the Olympics...

The Somalian Olympic Committee issued an official apology earlier in the week, after realising that sailing and shooting are separate events.


So a string walks into a bar...

and the bartender says to him, "Hey no strings allowed. Get out!" So he goes out side, messes himself up, ties himself up, and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string from earlier?" "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."


Have you been drinking sir?

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.

"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.

"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go."


What do men and public toilets have in common?

All the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.

*this is a response to an earlier joke comparing women to parking spots*


My local Greek restaurant just started serving tacos and burritos....

I tried it earlier today and it turns out it's plain old Greecey Mexican food.


Police, Police, there is a fight going on

A kid goes up to a police officer:
"Police, Police, there is a fight going on for half hour!"
The police officer asks the kid: If its been going on for half hour, why didn't you call me earlier?
The kid answers: "Because my dad was winning at that time!"


A woman knocked on my door earlier...

A woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.

She said, "If you help me find it I will let you fuck me in the arse all night."

I said, "What does it look like?"

She said, "It's a big, brown, hairy thing."

I said, "No thanks love, I'll give it a miss."


Arguing couple

A married couple drove down a country road for several miles, sitting in silence. An earlier discussion led to an argument in which neither would concede their position.

As they passed by a barnyard full of mules, pigs, and goats, the husband sarcastically asks: "Relatives of yours?"

'Yup,' the wife promptly replies. 'In-laws'


A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today...

When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two lesbians tie the knot, what do they get?

A liquor license! (read it out loud)


Trip to the Doctor

Earlier today I was at the doctors office for my yearly physical but my regular Doctor was out. So in walks this beautiful blonde Doctor with the most amazing body... needless to say I was a little taken aback. She said she was fresh out of Medical School and had recently joined my regular Doctors practice. Halfway through my physical, she told me that I would need to stop masturbating, when I asked "why?" she replied: "I'm not done giving you the physical".


Never found it...

There was a man, and he was telling his friend about how he saved a girls life, earlier that same day.
'Dude, there was this girl, who was tied up on the train tracks and I saved her, then we had sex. All the positions , everything!' Said the man.
Nice man! Did she give you a blowjob?' Said his friend.
'Oh no,' said the man, 'I never found her head.'


I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"

"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"


Why didn't Toronto's mayor tell us earlier about his drug use?

It must have fallen through a crack.


I saw a butterfly earlier

With a tattoo of a slag on it's wing.


A few Irish Jokes

With an Irish joke being posted earlier, I'll add a few of my Irish one liners.

What do you call the Irish man who hangs from the ceiling?

Shaun D'Leer

What do you call the Irish cowboy?

Rick O'Shea

What do you call the Irish Indian?

Tom O'Hawk

What do you call the Irish man who stays outside all night?

Patty O'Furniture

(this one is a repeat from the earlier thread)


I think I saw Michael J Fox in a gardening centre earlier...

It was hard to tell, he had his back to the Fuchsias.


Knot too shabby

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tied up and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."


A man walks into a music store

A man walks into a music store and asks the assistant "I have really enjoyed Beethoven's Concerto. Have you got some of his earlier work, concertA to concertN?"


Where do conspiracy theorists keep their ideas?

In a skeptic tank.


(Note: I just made up this joke earlier today. I'm not 100% sure the joke is obvious; feel free to suggest a better wording!)


Reading the horoscope.

Reading the horoscope that her favorite female magazine publishes, a lady said in a sorry tone to her husband:

- Oh! This is stupid! This is stupid!

- What is it?

- If you were born only a day earlier, you would be intelligent, brave and passionate.


I ran into your mom today.

I ran into your mom earlier today, she told me she made $400.05 lastnight sucking dick. So I asked her "Who gave you the nickel?" She said "They all did".


Alzheimer's is a bitch.

A young man called his father to see if he had gotten any information about his memory problem.

"Hey Dad, did you call the Alzheimer's hotline earlier?"

"Yeah, but after a few minutes I got disconnected, so I couldn't get the information."

"Why didn't you just hit redial?"

"I don't recall."


I was looking for some camouflage trousers earlier...

But I couldn't find any


Why was it easier for the whistleblower to leave American soil earlier in the year?

It didn't Snowden.


A string walks into a bar

and orders a drink. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings in this establishment." So the string goes outside, messes up his hair, does some twists and walks back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that string that tried to buy a drink earlier?" The string says to the bartender, "No, I'm a frayed knot."


I went to see a house earlier with period features

My wife hates it when I call her that.


Earlier today my 6-year old told me I was "being abantic."

Jesus, get it right kid. It's pronounced *pedantic*...


My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"


"A fucking power cut" ....was apparently was the wrong answer!


A man goes to his doctor after a short illness.

The doctor, after some examinations, looks him in the eye and says, "I've got some bad news for you."

M: "What?"

D: "I'm afraid, but you have terminal cancer."

M: "Is there anything you can do?"

D: "There's nothing I can do now. If only you'd come a little earlier. But you kept on eating apple every day."


This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."


A whale of a joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."


The old couple...

The old couple at the divorce Lawyer's office:

ยซSo - let me get this straight: You're both way over 90 years old, you've been married more than 70 years - why? Why would you want to get a divorce? ยป

The old couple: ยซWell, we wanted to this earlier, but then we decided to wait until the kids are dead.ยป


Sixty Nine

Jack is about to have sex with Jill but both of them are a bit inexperienced. Jill had gone on the internet earlier and looked up some new positions for them to try. She suggests to Jack that they should try 69
Jack tells her that he has no idea about this position so Jill explains to him that she will climb on top of him with her pussy near his mouth while she will take his dick in her mouth
Jack follows her instructions and just as they get in position, Jill lets out an almighty fart right in his face. Jack tries to get up but Jill tells him to hang tight because its just about to get a lot better.
Jack stops himself and decides to wait a little longer seconds later Jill lets out another fart.
This time Jack throws her off and starts dressing himself. Jill tries to stop him" Wait its not over"
Jack replies" I know but I cant take 67 more farts no matter how hard I try"


A hillbilly daughter wants to borrow the truck...

So she asks her dad. He says OK but you'll have to suck my dick. She gets down and starts sucking and suddenly jumps up and says "Your dick tastes like shit!" He says "Oh I forgot, I loaned the truck to your brother earlier"

Ba dump tsh


So I called the suicide hotline earlier...

I was answered with, "Thank you for calling Mr. Archipelago0. We will be processing your request shortly."


A man is sitting at the bar getting ready to take a shot when...

A stranger walks up to the bar next to him, grabs the shot out of his hand, and takes it. The man looks up stunned at the stranger and the stranger says "Is there a problem"?

The man says "Well, yeah. I thought it was impossible for me to fuck anything else up, and then you came along". Stranger says "What's that supposed to mean"? Man says "Well, earlier today I got to work late and I was fired. I came home early to find my wife in bed with another man and now we're getting a divorce. Then I parked my car in front of the bar and it was just towed. As I poured some cyanide into that shot you just stole from me I thought to myself, I can't possibly screw anything else up, and then you came along..."


My dad told me this earlier, I thought I should share it..

A man goes to his wife and asks 'What would you do if I won the lottery?'. She thinks for a minute before replying 'Well, I would take half and leave you.' The husband laughs and says 'Good, I just won $12, here's six bucks, now fuck off.'


Paula Dean bad joke that I came up with earlier.

She needs to aPAULAgize if she wants to reDEAN herself to the public.


Two black eyes

A man walks into a bar and sits down with his buddies. His buddies look up at him a notice that he now has two black eyes that he didnt have earlier. So they ask him what happened.

The man explains " well i was out at the mall today and i was riding up the escalator you see, and there was a woman up infront of me. I looked her over and noticed that her skirt was visibly stuck in her buttcrack. So me, trying to be a nice guy i reach up and pulled it out for her. She turned around lookin' awful upset and punched me square in my left eye."

The guys all laugh, but then one asks. "well how did you get the other black eye?"

The man explains "well i figured if she was so mad that i pulled her skirt out, that maybe she wanted it there. So i poked my finger in there to put it back."


The closet

Kid comes home from school earlier than usual and finds his mom cheating on his dad, so he hides in a closet to look. while he is at it, his dad comes home early too, so his mom hides her lover in the closet with the kid.

Kid: It's dark in here...
Lover: So what?
Kid: I have a baseball bat
Lover: So what?
Kid: Wanna buy it?
Lover: no!!
Kid: My dad is outside...!
Lover: Alright damn it, how much?!
Kid: $350
Lover: What? hell no! this is a robbery!
Kid: My dad is outside...
Lover: Alright, fine i'll buy the baseball!
So the next day same thing happens, kid ends up in the closet with the lover.
Kid:It's dark in here...
Lover: (as he already knows whats coming) what do you have?
Kid: Baseball
Lover - how much?
Kid: $150
Lover: What!? highway robbery, no way!!!
Kid: My dad is outside...
Lover: Alright sold damn it!
Then on Saturday kid's dad comes up to him and says: - kid grab your baseball stuff and lets go play some ball...
Kid: I can't, I sold it all... (
Dad: What?! how much u sold it for?
Kid: $500 daddy...
Dad: What? $500?! Son, you ripped off your friends, this is a big sin, lets go to the church for a confession! So they come to church, kid goes into the confessional, looks around and says: - "It's dark in here..." The priest says: - "Don't you go trying that shit here"


Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!



You've red some of the best earlier jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about earlier. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty earlier gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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