eagle Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious eagle puns

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.


Your parents in 1996: "Don't trust ANYBODY on the internet!"

Your parents today: "Freedom Eagle dot facebook says Hillary invented AIDS."


Walking Eagle

On a recent trip Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour on her ideas and policies to help all Americans if she was to become president.

At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presented Hillary Clinton with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Hillary Clinton then departed with her entourage, waving to the crowd as she left.

A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Clinton.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.


Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf...

Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf.

Jesus hits his ball out into the lake, walks out on the water then chips the ball back on to the green.

Moses wasn't going to be outdone so he hits his ball way the hell out into the middle of the lake; then he parts the water, walks out and then chips his ball back on to the green.

The old guy hits his ball out towards the center of the lake; just as the ball is about to hit the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in it's mouth, just as the fish is about to land back in the water, an eagle swoops down, picks up the fish, flys over to the hole; shakes the fish and the ball falls right in the hole.

Jesus says "Come on dad! stop fucking around and play golf!"


It's down to two guys at a job interview.

Both of the men interviewing are equally qualified all the way down to eagle scout so the interviewer has an idea. "The one of you that can give me the better poem ending in Timbuktu gets the job." The first guy stands up and says, "Out across the desert sand went a lonely caravan. Underneath the sky so blue, their destination, Timbuktu." The second guy just sat there stunned. He knew he couldn't compete and was about to give up when inspiration struck. "Me and Tim a fishing went when we saw three ladies in a tent. They being three, and we being two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two."


The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.


I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle and

A lifetime ban from the zoo


A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle.

The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird.

He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving."

The judge listens to the tale and rules that the man is not guilty. But he turns to the man and asks, "Well, now that we're done with all that, I admit that I am curious to know, what does bald eagle taste like?"

"Well, your honor, it's like a cross between a snowy owl and a whooping crane."


Jesus, Moses and an Old man are playing golf.

Moses is up first, and after whacking the ball, it falls into a lake. He parts the waters, hits the ball again onto the green.

Then, Jesus has his go, the ball soars at the same lake but this time it floats, so he walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

Then the old man steps up. He hits towards the lake but before it hits the water, a trout jumps up and grabs the ball. Before it drops back to the lake an eagle swoops down and catches the trout. - flying over the green and squeezing the trout, making it drop the ball into the hole.

At this point Jesus turns around and says: "Dad, stop messing around we're trying to play golf"


Bob is being interviewed for a police officer job...

The captain conducting the interview starts with some general knowledge questions. The captain asks "what is the national animal of America?". Bob correctly answers "bald eagle". The next question "how many states are there in America?". Again Bob answers correctly "50 States". The captain asks the last general knowledge question "who killed Abraham Lincoln?". Bob is stumped by this question and thinks for a long time. He finally says "I don't know". Disappointed that the candidate couldn't answer a simple history question he dismisses Bob saying "you really should go find out". Bob leaves the interview and goes home. His wife asks "how'd the interview go?" Bob replies with a big smile on his face, "Great! I've already been assigned to a murder investigation"


Yo mama so dumb...

...she argues endlessly that Frodo could have just ridden a giant eagle into Mordor and dropped the Ring into Mount Doom from the air, even though all the characters in the book say over and over again that Sauron can SEE EVERYWHERE and that stealth was their only hope of getting anywhere with the Ring. Did it ever occur to yo mama that Sauron's GIANT EYE may notice a squadron of eagles flying straight for him carrying a halfling for no apparent reason, unable to hide or take any kind of cover? And that once his attention was well and truly focused on them, He would likely sense the presence of the Ring and be able to take action against them, like flying Nazgul or arrows or fireballs or any number of crazy evil magical spells? And that even if Frodo and the Bird Brigade were able to get past whatever Sauron would throw at them and get into Mordor, they would be flying straight into a very active volcano spewing smoke and ash everywhere, screwing with visibility and trajectory and making it like trying to drop a penny onto the roof of an apartment building in the middle of a heavy fog from a biplane that's currently on fire? And that if they missed or were captured, they would basically be handing Sauron the Ring on a silver platter? DID YO MAMA EVER THINK OF THAT? HUH?!


Why can't an eel and an eagle team up?

Because it would be eel-eagle!


Superman is flying around the world when he sees WonderWoman tanning on the beach....

He notices that she's naked and spread eagle and has a thought.

Superman: I bet I could fly down there and have sex with her and fly away before she even knew it.
So like a depraved bastard he does exactly that and hears a conversation as he flies away.

Wonderwoman: Did you feel that strong gust of wind just now?

Invisible Man: Yeah, and on top of that my ass is killing me.


I'm relieved the Patriots lost...

No patriot I know would ever beat an eagle.


Three men are standing near a magical river...

... and legend says that one who says something whilst jumping over the river will turn into it .

The first runs and jumps and yells, "Eagle". He turns into an Eagle and flies away.

The second man runs and says, "Fish". He turns into a fish, falls into the water, and swims away.

The third runs, but trips and screams, "Oh, shit!"


Native American names (dads old joke NSFW language)

A young Native American boy is asking his father about how he comes up with the names for his children.

The father says, "The moment a child is born we step outside and the first thing we see is what we name the child.

When your brother was born, I stepped out and saw an eagle soaring overhead. So I named him Soaring Eagle.

When your sister was born, I stepped out and saw a deer running across the plains. So I named her Running Deer."

The father turns to the boy and says, "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"


Two Jokes about Tribal Names

First One:

A tribal girl once asked her father how she got her name. "Well, my daughter," said the wise old man, "you were given your name based on the last thing your mother saw before you popped out. Therefore, your brother is named Soaring Eagle, and your sister Crouching Fox. Now why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"


A tribal boy, Single Raindrop, and his brother, Refrigerator, asked their mother how they got their names. "Well my boys," she began, "I named you Single Raindrop because when you came out, one lonely raindrop fell upon your head."
To which Refrigerator said "AAAUUUGHGHUURRG"


An eagle goes looking for a mate...

He swoops down and picks up a loon. "I'm a loon, I'm a loon, I love to spoon."

The eagle realizes this will not work, so he kicks the loon out and finds a hawk. "I'm a hawk, I'm a hawk, I just want to talk."

Realizing that that will not work, he kicks out the hawk and finds a dove. "I'm a dove, I'm a dove, I don't make love."

Frustrated now at three failed attempts, the eagle kicks out the dove and picks up a duck. "I'm a drake, I'm a drake, you made a mistake!"


Three men and a Wizard are on a plane.

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane, and the engines start to fail.

The men begin to panic and the Wizard tells them, "If you jump out of the plane, and yell something, you'll turn into it." The men, a little sketched out, decide to try it.

The first man jumps out, and yells, "EAGLE!"
The man turned into an eagle.

The second man jumps out, and yells, "PIGEON!"
The man turned into a pigeon.

The third man gets a running start and trips out of the plane yelling "OH SHIT!"


I saw a huge seagull today...

It was big enough to be a D-gull

But not quite big enough to be an Eagle


I've got the heart of a lion and the eye of an eagle...

And now i'm banned from entering the zoo.


Banned from telling this joke at the christmas table.

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell.
He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building.
Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?"
The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but my ass hurts like hell!"


I Saw a Huge Seagull Today

It was big enough to be a D Gull.

But not quite big enough to be an Eagle


How Native Americans get there names

One day a little Indian boy went up to his dad who was the chief and asked him how do Indians get there names. His dad looked at him and said "when your brother was born I went out tepee and saw, soaring eagle so I named him Soaring Eagle. When your sister was born I went out tepee and saw raging river so I named her, Raging River." The dad then looked at his son and said, " Do you understand now Shitting Dog"


Superman and Batman meet up on the rooftops,

and Batman notices Superman looks a little banged up. "What happened to you Superman?", asks Batman. Superman says, "You won't believe this shit Bats. I'm flying along right, and I see Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on the roof of this building spread eagle!" "Wow," says Batman with a grin. "So," Superman goes on, "I figure I can swoop down, get in a few pumps at super speed, and be gone before she can do anything." "Damn," says Batman, "she must have gotten pissed. You look like hell." "She wasn't that angry," says Superman, "and if you think I look bad, I can only imagine what the Invisible Man's asshole looks like."


A man is arrested for killing a condor

A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."

The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one question. What did it taste like?"

The man says, Somewhere between a bald eagle and a baby seal."


Three guys are near the edge of a canyon.

Three guys are near the edge of a canyon. Suddenly, they hear a voice coming from seemingly nowhere. It says, "whatever you say when jumping off this cliff, you will turn into it". The first guy jumps off and yells "eagle!" He turns into an eagle and flies away. The second guy jumps off and yells "bull!" He turns into a bull and runs down the side of the canyon to safety. The third guy, nervous, begins psyching himself up for this. He says, "come on man, you can do this, you can do this". He runs and then trips over the edge of the cliff. He yells "SHIT!"


An eel tried to propose to an eagle...

the eel asks the eagle
"We may look different but I think I love you. Will you marry me?"
"I'm sorry but I can't" says the eagle.
"Why not?" asks the eel.
The eagle replies with "Because that would be eel-eagle"


"How do we get our names?"

There was once a young Native American boy talking to his father.

"How do we get our names, dad?" The boy asked.

"Well, son," the boy's father replied, "after a baby is born we go out of the teepee and name the child after the first thing we see. This is why your great grandfather was Soaring Eagle, your grandfather is Running Elk, and I am Hopping Grasshopper."

The boy nodded, but still looked as though he was confused.

The boy's dad then asks, "Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking?"


On A Rainy Day A little Native American Asks his Dad...

Why is my brother named Soaring Eagle?
The Chief replies, "When your brother was born the first thing I did was take him outside, and saw a eagle soaring through the air."
The boy then asks, "Why is my sister named Sitting Bull?"
The boys father says, "When your sister was born I brought her outside and the first thing I saw was A bull sit down in the field. Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"


Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it lands in the water a fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws, then the eagle flies over the green and is hit by a sudden bolt lightning and the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in for a hole in one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we won't bring you next time!"


A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain

A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it.

The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew away.

Next, the redhead jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she landed on all fours and walked away.

Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled... "CRAP!


Indian names.

A little Indian boy becomes curious one day and decides to talk to his father, the chief of their village how his tribe chooses names.

"Father," he said "how do we get out names in this tribe?"

The father looks at his boy and tells him "well, my son, when a baby is born in this village they are given their name based on the last omen seen by our tribe. That is why I am named Roaring Blackbear, and you're mother is named Soaring Eagle."

"Oh well that certainly clears some things up for me, father." The boy said.

The chief looks at his son and asks "why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"


Why aren't eagles allowed to be sick in america?

Because that would be illeagle


Walking Eagle

Barack Obama spoke for nearly an hour at the American Indian Convention,
referring to the audience as his red brothers and red sisters. Obama promised the native Americans
expanded job opportunity, improved living conditions and a higher standard of living.
Although detail was vague or lacking, his speech was enthusiastic and eloquent.

After his speech, the Tribal chief presented Obama with a large plaque bearing the inscription
WALKING EAGLE . The tribal chief was later solicited by an onsite reporter who said:
It's obvious that the Indian people were impressed with the president's address;
but can you give us a little insight as to the significance of WALKING EAGLE? The tribal chief replied:
"WALKING EAGLE" is an old Indian expression that describes an eagle so full of shit, it can no longer fly.


Son of chief: "Father, how are we named?"

Chief: "After you are born, your mother looks out of the teepee and names you the first thing she sees."

Son: "Oh wow, is that how you were named Soaring Eagle?"

Chief: "Yes, Horse Taking Dump"


[NSFW] A native boy walked to his dad and asked...

"Father, how do you pick your child's name?"

The father responded "well, my son, at the time of conception, I look out of the teepee, and the first thing I see is what I name my child. For example, your brother Soaring Eagle, or your sister Rising Sun.... Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"


Did you guys hear about the guy who got the skin on his face ripped apart by eagle talons?

They tried to fix it with botox, but that only helps with crow's feet.


An Oldie but a Goodie

One day a young Sioux brave asks his father, the tribal chief, how their names are chosen.

"Well, Son, after the child is born the father goes outside, and the first thing in nature he sees becomes the name, such as Running Deer or Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"


The Eagle- an original joke

A man is talking with an eagle.

The man asks, "Eagle, how can you catch your prey so well if you just fly over really fast?"

The eagle responds, "I don't know, I guess I just have a talon for it."


What do you call an Eagle who can't catch it's prey?




My father recently passed away.

I'll never forget how much I inherited.
From him I got the eye of an eagle, the heart of a lion and so much more.

He was the best hunter this world has ever seen.


I was laying in my hotel room bed, naked and spread eagle, when the cleaning lady comes in.



How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle?

All his feathers are combed to one side


What does a flying rabbit has on his back?

An eagle


Baby eagle in his nest sees a fighter jet passing overhead.

Amazed at the speed, he turns to mamma and asks, "Why can't we fly so fast?" 

Mamma: "You too would my son, if your ass was on fire." 


There are 3 wizards on a cliff...

The first one runs, and jumps off yelling "EAGLE!" then transforms into an eagle and flies away. The second jumps yelling "FALCON!" He then turns into a falcon and flies away. The third runs but trips and he yelled "OH SHIT!"


Why did the sick eagle get deported?

Because he was an illeagle.


I was arrested the other day for keeping a sick bird of prey.

Turns out it was ill eagle


Did you ever hear the one about Superman and Wonder Woman?

Superman's flying around metropolis and he's horny as hell. He's checking out the rooftops and all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunning herself on the roof of the Justice League. I mean she is lying there buck naked and spread eagle. Looks like she wants to get fucked right? So Superman starts thinking to himself, "Man I gotta get myself some of that wonderpussy." and then he realizes that he can fly down, do a little fast pumping and be gone before she even sees him. Because he's Superman. he's faster than a speeding bullet, right?
So Superman, he swoops down, he fucks her so quick, she doesn't even see him. Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What the fuck was that?!" and The Invisible Man says "I don't know but my asshole is killing me."


A Native American child asks his father how they choose children's names.

Father - "After you are born, we open the tepee and the first thing we see is what we name you. Like your eldest brother, Soaring Eagle, your sister, Falling Leaves, and your little brother, Grizzly Cub. Why do you ask Two Dogs Humping?"


What do you call a religious eagle?

_A bird of pray_


Why did the ancient Roman police arrest an Eagle?

Because he was... Aquila.


My diseased eagle has been banned by the government.

I suppose that makes it

an illegal ill eagle.


Why did the sick bird get deported?

He was an ill eagle.


Three men are on a mountain top with a spiritual guru.

The guru says to the men, "This peak is magical. If you jump off of this cliff and speak, you will take the form of what it is you speak.
The guru shows them. He leaps off the cliff and says, "eagle" and flies away in the form of an eagle.
The first man jumps off the edge and yells, "a beautiful butterfly" and takes shape as a butterfly and flies away.
The second man dives off the cliff and shouts, "Phoenix!" And turns into a Phoenix and flies away.
The third man cannot decide what to transform into. He is pacing back and forth trying to think when he trips and falls over the edge.


3 guys on a cliff

Three guys go to a cliff to see the view. When they get there a wise old magician sitting there. He then says "since you are the first people theat have found me in 20 years I will let you turn into something of your choice. But first you have to run ang jump off the cliff.
The first guy goes and jumps off and shouts "I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE. He then flys away in his eagle body.
The second guy goes and jumps off and shouts "I WANT TO BE A PARROT" he then flies away.
Finally the last guy goes and right before he jumps he trips off the cliff. He then shouts "OH SHIT"


Walking Eagle

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brother"

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the President.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.


Indian chief...

As long as anyone could remember, this Indian chief was in charge of naming all the children born in the tribe. 

One day , this brave one comes up to him and says , "Chief, can I ask you something, how do you name these children? How do you think of their names?"

Chief says, " It is very simple, when a child is born and I see snow gently falling, I say, you shall be called SNOW GENTLY FALLING. When a child is born, I see an eagle flying over , I say, you shall be named EAGLE FLYING OVER. But tell me TWO DOGS FUCKING , why are you so interested?


I saw a seagull

I saw a huge seagull this morning. It was big enough to be a D gull... But not quite big enough to be an eagle. One thing's for sure, it definitely wasn't a beagle.


Tarzan of the apes

.. was fighting a lion in Africa. He won, but at the price of his eye, his arm, and his dick. His jungle friends back home said they would help him out by giving him the spare parts he needed.

They gave him an eye of an eagle, an arm of a gorilla, and an elephant's trunk for a dick.

Two weeks later a chimp stopped by and asked Tarzan how his new parts were.

Tarzan said "Eye make Tarzan see far, Arm make Tarzan strong, but Tarzan no like new Wee-wee".

The chimp asked "Why not?".

Tarzan replied "It keeps picking weeds and shoving up Tarzans ass".


What did the Native American pornstar call himself?

Spread Eagle


An aboriginal son asked his dad how they come up with names for their children.

The father replied.
"Well you see son, when your sister was born I looked out of the tipi and I saw a deer eating grass so I named her Grazing Deer. When your brother was born I looked out of the tipi and saw an eagle flying so I named him Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"


Endangered meal

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"


What's the difference between a hawk and an eagle?

All birds have specialized tail feathers called pinions. An eagle has 8 pinions, while a hawk only has 7. So you could say the difference is only a matter of a pinion.


Why aren't you supposed to help sick birds?

It's ill eagle


An Eel asked an Eagle: do you know why we can't team up?

Eagle: No, why?
Eel: Because it would be EEL-Eagle!


A teacher confiscates two birds, a dog, and a handgun from a kindergarten student.

Teacher: "What are you doing with these things?!"

Student: "I'm practicing my alphabet."

Teacher: "Bringing animals and a gun to class is no way to learn!"

Student: "Sure it is. I have a beagle, a seagull, a Deagle, and an eagle."


A Native American walks up to the Chief of the reservation and asks him...

"Chief, why do you name the babys of the tribe what you do?"
The Chief replied "Ah, yes. Well before every birth I go deep into the forest and wait for the Gods to give me a sign on what to name it. For example, if I see a soaring eagle fly by, then I name the infant Soaring Eagle, if I see a bear I name him Great Bear... But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"


Why couldn't the farmer drive around the sick bird lying in the middle of the dirt road?

Because it was an ill eagle pass.


I was leaving the golf course yesterday...

when I ran into a guy whose face was all scratched up. I was like "holy shit man your face is all bloody, are you ok?"

"Yeah, but I just blew an eagle on 18


Two Bald Eagles

A bald eagle decides to stop by a small lake to get a drink. As he's drinking another bald eagle lands next to him.

He looks at the eagle and notices a tulip, a rose, and a rabbit's foot on top of his head.

"What's with the stuff on your head?", the eagle asks.

"Oh this?", he points to his head with his wing, "I'm trying hare in plants."


How do we get our names?

A native american boy walks into his family's teepee one day and asks his dad, "How do you come up with our names?"
The father looks at him and replies "well son, as soon as you were born I took you in my arms, walked outside and the first thing I saw was your new name.
Your brother for example: I took him outside the day he was born, I looked up and now his name is Soaring Eagle.
Your sister on the day she was born; I took her outside and looked across the prairie. Now she is named Running Deer.
Why do you ask, Two-dogs Fucking?"
-dad joke-


What do you call an eagle that is sick?



What's the difference between an eagle and a snitch?

Nothing, they both talon you.

Here all night.


When checking in for his flight, the wedge-tailed eagle was asked: Would you like to check some baggage or purchase an in-flight meal?

The eagle replied: No thanks. I'll just have my carrion.


What kind of bird doesn't need a comb?

A bald eagle.


What do you call a sick eagle?



I built the most American guitar ever

Made completely out of mirror polished, stainless steel from the World Trade Center in the shape of a bald eagle carrying a rifle.

Only has one octave, but I enjoy playing it, from C to shining C.


What do you call a sick eagle?



Did you see that?

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."


A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"


If the Eagle is the bird of freedom, and the Dove is the bird of peace ...

Then the bird of true love is the Swallow.


What do you call a sick eagle that just flew in from out of the country?

an ill-eagle immigrant


Donald Trump has just signed ANOTHER executive order

it's about foreign birds of prey. the order states that any bird, specifically eagles, who have some sort of illness like flu will not be allowed to enter the country.

Trump has labelled them -


The Eagles held the record for bestselling album of all time.

That was until Micheal Jackson beat it..


Gliding Eagles

Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers.

They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other.

The first eagle, excitedly 'Wow!! Now thats what I call speed!!'

The second eagle, calmly replies 'Trust me. You would be flying that fast too if your sphincter was on fire.'


So the Judge says "OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty." Then he leans over and whispers "Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?"

The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."


A Native American boy is sitting outside, and he looks really upset.

His father, concerned, comes up to him and asks, "Why are you upset, my son?"

The boy replies, "Well father, I'm just confused about the name you've given me."

He replies, "Well son, it is tradition to name our children after the first thing we see once they're born.

For instance, when your sister was born, the first thing I saw was a deer running in the field, so we named her Running Deer.

After your brother was born, I saw a great eagle soaring into the sky, so we named him Soaring Eagle.

Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"


One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend.

She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. Come over here baby. she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, If your pussy can do that to your panties – I ain't going any where near it!


What do you call a bird who wants to have a different personality?

An alter eagle!


What kind of bird is not allowed to get sick?

An ill eagle


What's the difference between a falcon and an eagle?

Eagles can hold a lead.


So the little Native American boy asks his father...

..."Father, how did I get my name?"

His father said, "Son, in our tribe, when a child is born, the father walks outside the teepee and names the child after the first thing he notices. For instance, when your older brother was born, I walked out of the teepee and saw a majestic eagle flying overhead,so we named your brother, Eagle Who Soars."

"What about my big sister? How did she get her name?", the little boy asked.

The father replied," When she was born, I stepped out of the teepee and a warm breeze blew through the village so I named her, Wind That Blows. Tell me, why are you so curious about your name, Two Dogs Fucking?"


A man is caught feasting on a Bald Eagle by a park ranger.

He is taken to court and the judge asks him why he committed this crime.

The man replies I had no other choice and this was my only way of survival.

Given the circumstances, the judge decides that this man is telling the truth and let's him off the case. But being curious, the judge asks Well, how did it taste like?

The man replied Have you ever had Spotted Owl?


I saw a huge seagull today...

It might have been a D-gull

But I don't think it could have been an eagle.


What is the bird of peace?


What is the bird of prey?

What is the bird of oral sex?


If the Bald Eagle is the symbol of freedom and the Dove is the symbol of peace, what bird is the symbol of love?

The swallow.


The difference between a Life Scout and an Eagle Scout.

A Life Scout is ready for anything. The Eagle Scout is ready for Murphy's Law.


Why was the sick eagle in prison?

Because she was illegal.


"I would never kill a protected bird"

So a bloke is doing his country business hunting for animals that are allowed to be hunted when he shoots a golden eagle. These birds in the UK are protected and it's illegal to harm them. Therefore he went to court.

Man-"I'm so sorry i would never kill a protected bird i love them. It was an accident that i promise wouldn't happen again."

Judge-"Well, after you killed it, what did you do with it?'

Man-"Well i wouldn't want to put i to waste so i took it back, cooked it and then ate it. Thought it was the only use it had"

Judge-"Well if you are it what did it taste like?"

Man-"Tastes like swan"


If eagles are the birds of American freedom, then what is the bird of American love?

A Swallow


A Native American child asks how the people get their names...

The chief said "Oh, it's simple. I look off in the distance and whatever I see is the new child's name." "So that's why my father is called Roosting Eagle! And why you're Resting Crow!" Said the boy. "Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"


Why did the eagle fly into the church?

It was a bird of pray


Just trying to help.

I was walking home from work the other day and found an injured bird by the side of the road, I decided to pick it up and take it to the shelter, on the way to the shelter, the police stopped me and arrested me.

They said that what I was carrying was Ill Eagle.


What rabbit wears on his back while flying?



3 men died and were taken to God....

They were taken to the top of a cliff . GOD SAID to them that since they had been such outstanding citizens on Earth that they'd be given one chance to become anything they desired.
The first man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted."i want to be an eagle". Instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.
The second man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted "I want to be an owl." Instantly he was changed into an owl and soared of into the sunset.
The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock and shout " Oh, sh*t"....


Why did the police arrest the eagle with a fever?

It's illegal


What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a bald eagle

A life time ban from the zoo and a felony...apparently


Why was the sick bird deported?

He was an ill eagle.


Woman to her girlfriend: My husband got me a dozen roses; tonight I guess I have no choice but to spread eagle with my legs in the air.

Girlfriend: Don't you have a vase?


Dick, Bob and Harry go to a magic mountain...

if you jump off the top of this mountain and say what you wish to be, you will turn into what you wished to be. They reach the top and Harry decides to go first.
" I want to be an eagle! "
He jumps off and turned into a eagle.
Dick jumps and says " I want to be a giant falcon! "
He jumped and turned into a giant falcon.
Bob says,
" Harry! Dick! Wait for me! "
He jumped and turned into a hairy dick.


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are standing on a cliff...

...suddenly, a genie appears and tells them that they each could jump off this cliff and say the name of anything, and they would turn into that. The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Eagle!" and she turns into an eagle and soars away. The redhead jumps off the cliff and says "Fish!" and she turns into a fish, lands in a river and swims away. The blonde starts arrogantly walking toward the cliff, thinking her animal was going to be the best, then she trips over the cliff and, startled, says, "Shit!"


Why did the eagle win the talent show?

Because he was TALONted!


What do you get when you cross a bowling ball with a bird?

A bowled eagle!


30th Anniversary

A man decides to buy flowers for his wife for their 30th wedding anniversary. He walks in the door and finds rose petals leading to the bedroom. Curious he walks in and finds his wife spread eagle on the bed in a brand new negligee. "What's all this about?" he asks. In her sexiest voice she says, "Well, I knew you would bring home flowers like you always do. This is for the flowers."
"Don't be silly," he says, "I'm sure we have a vase for these somewhere."


What do you get when a condor, an ostrich, and an eagle walk into a bar?

Three golfers lying about their game


An eagle checks in at the airline ticket counter with a dead rabbit under one wing. The agent asks, "do you want to check the rabbit?"

"No, this is carrion."


My great grandfather have a heart of a lion, eye of an eagle, and....

A lifetime ban from the zoo


What do eagles and moles have in common?

They both fly, except for the mole...


Why is it unlawful to own a sick eagle?

Because it's ill-eagle


Why did the eagle spare the mouse's life?

He couldn't be buzzard to hunt it.


The eagle was a bird of many skills.

One could say he was very talon-ted.


How Native American parents name their children

A young boy asked his uncle, "Uncle Running Bear, why were you named Running Bear?"

His uncle responded, "Because when I came into this world, a bear ran by the window, and that was the first thing my tiny eyes saw."

The young boy continued, "And my father? Why is he named, Soaring Eagle?"

"Because your father saw was born in the open field, and the first thing he saw was the graceful eagle, soaring in the heavens."

The uncle turns to the little boy and says:

"Why do you ask, Hairy Pussy?"


I encountered an eagle with an identity crisis...

He's watching me like a hawk.


One day I took my pet eagle to school...

But everyone made fun of me and the school authorities took my eagle and complained my parents.

So the next day I took my desert eagle to school.


What did the eagle say to the viking after the hunting trip?

Sorry, but this time there's no trophy for your trophy case, Keenum!


What's the same about the Eagles and a mailman?

They both won't deliver on Sunday.


What do you call an eagle in church?

...bird of prey


What do you call a sick bird from Mars?

An ill Eagle alien.

Original joke created for my 5 year old.


Why is it against the law for Nick Foles to have the flu?

Because that's an ill eagle scenario


Did you hear about the queen of the smuggled American birds? She got sick!

Now she's a regal illegal ill eagle.


What happened to the eagle when it broke its wing?

It got grounded.


what type of bird never needs a haircut

a Bald Eagle


If an eagle is the symbol for freedom, and a dove the symbol for peace, what's the difference between love and lust?

Two swallows.


The Eagles won 41-33...

41 - 33 = 8
Tom Brady is 40 years old.
40 / 8 = 5
Patriots have 5 Super Bowl rings.
5 x 5 = 25

The falcons blew a 25 point lead.


Why you are not allowed to pet a sick eagle

Because it Will be illeagle


Which part of an eagle is the hardest?

The pecker.


What do you call a sick eagle?



What kind of sick bird is against the law?

an ill eagle


What does the eagle say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ?

'Let us prey.'


What did the Cardinal cry after being attacked by a predatory bird?

The Cardinal Bald Eagle


What did the Canada goose say to the american bald eagle?

I was only gone for 6 months... What the hell happened?


When the Eagles win, we all win.

Free TVs and liquor for every one on the street!


Did you hear about the eagle who could catch a squirrel with only one claw?

He was very *talon*ted


What do you get when you cross a dog and a bald eagle?

A life time ban from the zoo and a felony...apparently


An eagle gets sick and is arrested ...

because, he is ill-eagle


Regular Eagle

Friend1: *puts wig on his pet bald eagle* /
Friend2: What are you doing? /
Friend1: I'm turning it into a regular eagle!


What's the difference between a Mole and an Eagle.

They both live underground, except the Eagle.


How did the eagles save frodo and the gang...

when they were so busy recording hotel California?


How would you describe killing an eagle?



What are the best Eagle puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Eagle? Well, here are the best jokes about Eagle to have fun with.

Joko Jokes