Eagle Jokes

Following is our collection of dove humor and gull one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Eagle puns for adults, dirty talon jokes or clean loon gags for kids.

There is an abundance of raptor jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 64 funniest jokes on eagle. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any seagull witze you can hear about eagle.

The Best jokes about Eagle

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

Why can't an eel and an eagle team up?

Because it would be eel-eagle!

I'm relieved the Patriots lost...

No patriot I know would ever beat an eagle.

Bob is being interviewed for a police officer job...

The captain conducting the interview starts with some general knowledge questions. The captain asks "what is the national animal of America?". Bob correctly answers "bald eagle". The next question "how many states are there in America?". Again Bob answers correctly "50 States". The captain asks the last general knowledge question "who killed Abraham Lincoln?". Bob is stumped by this question and thinks for a long time. He finally says "I don't know". Disappointed that the candidate couldn't answer a simple history question he dismisses Bob saying "you really should go find out". Bob leaves the interview and goes home. His wife asks "how'd the interview go?" Bob replies with a big smile on his face, "Great! I've already been assigned to a murder investigation"

An eagle goes looking for a mate...

He swoops down and picks up a loon. "I'm a loon, I'm a loon, I love to spoon."

The eagle realizes this will not work, so he kicks the loon out and finds a hawk. "I'm a hawk, I'm a hawk, I just want to talk."

Realizing that that will not work, he kicks out the hawk and finds a dove. "I'm a dove, I'm a dove, I don't make love."

Frustrated now at three failed attempts, the eagle kicks out the dove and picks up a duck. "I'm a drake, I'm a drake, you made a mistake!"


I saw a huge seagull today...

It was big enough to be a D-gull

But not quite big enough to be an Eagle

I've got the heart of a lion and the eye of an eagle...

And now i'm banned from entering the zoo.

A man is arrested for killing a condor

A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."

The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one question. What did it taste like?"

The man says, Somewhere between a bald eagle and a baby seal."

A park ranger finds a man in the wilderness eating a bald eagle.

The man is arrested and brought to trial for killing a protected bird.

He pleads with the judge, "Your honor, I was lost in the wilderness for three days without food, and the eagle attacked me. I fought back in self-defense, and I ate it because I was starving."

The judge listens to the tale and rules that the man is not guilty. But he turns to the man and asks, "Well, now that we're done with all that, I admit that I am curious to know, what does bald eagle taste like?"

"Well, your honor, it's like a cross between a snowy owl and a whooping crane."

An eel tried to propose to an eagle...

the eel asks the eagle
"We may look different but I think I love you. Will you marry me?"
"I'm sorry but I can't" says the eagle.
"Why not?" asks the eel.
The eagle replies with "Because that would be eel-eagle"

"How do we get our names?"

There was once a young Native American boy talking to his father.

"How do we get our names, dad?" The boy asked.

"Well, son," the boy's father replied, "after a baby is born we go out of the teepee and name the child after the first thing we see. This is why your great grandfather was Soaring Eagle, your grandfather is Running Elk, and I am Hopping Grasshopper."

The boy nodded, but still looked as though he was confused.

The boy's dad then asks, "Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking?"


Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it lands in the water a fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws, then the eagle flies over the green and is hit by a sudden bolt lightning and the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in for a hole in one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we won't bring you next time!"

Why aren't eagles allowed to be sick in america?

Because that would be illeagle

Son of chief: "Father, how are we named?"

Chief: "After you are born, your mother looks out of the teepee and names you the first thing she sees."

Son: "Oh wow, is that how you were named Soaring Eagle?"

Chief: "Yes, Horse Taking Dump"

Did you guys hear about the guy who got the skin on his face ripped apart by eagle talons?

They tried to fix it with botox, but that only helps with crow's feet.

The Eagle- an original joke

A man is talking with an eagle.

The man asks, "Eagle, how can you catch your prey so well if you just fly over really fast?"

The eagle responds, "I don't know, I guess I just have a talon for it."

My father recently passed away.

I'll never forget how much I inherited.
From him I got the eye of an eagle, the heart of a lion and so much more.


He was the best hunter this world has ever seen.

What do you call an Eagle who can't catch it's prey?

*Talon*tless.


...Sorry.

I was laying in my hotel room bed, naked and spread eagle, when the cleaning lady comes in.

Finally.


How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle?

All his feathers are combed to one side

What does a flying rabbit has on his back?

An eagle

Jesus, Moses and an Old man are playing golf.

Moses is up first, and after whacking the ball, it falls into a lake. He parts the waters, hits the ball again onto the green.

Then, Jesus has his go, the ball soars at the same lake but this time it floats, so he walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

Then the old man steps up. He hits towards the lake but before it hits the water, a trout jumps up and grabs the ball. Before it drops back to the lake an eagle swoops down and catches the trout. - flying over the green and squeezing the trout, making it drop the ball into the hole.

At this point Jesus turns around and says: "Dad, stop messing around we're trying to play golf"

I was arrested the other day for keeping a sick bird of prey.

Turns out it was ill eagle

It's down to two guys at a job interview.

Both of the men interviewing are equally qualified all the way down to eagle scout so the interviewer has an idea. "The one of you that can give me the better poem ending in Timbuktu gets the job." The first guy stands up and says, "Out across the desert sand went a lonely caravan. Underneath the sky so blue, their destination, Timbuktu." The second guy just sat there stunned. He knew he couldn't compete and was about to give up when inspiration struck. "Me and Tim a fishing went when we saw three ladies in a tent. They being three, and we being two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two."

Why did the sick eagle get deported?

Because he was an illeagle.

A Native American child asks his father how they choose children's names.

Father - "After you are born, we open the tepee and the first thing we see is what we name you. Like your eldest brother, Soaring Eagle, your sister, Falling Leaves, and your little brother, Grizzly Cub. Why do you ask Two Dogs Humping?"

My diseased eagle has been banned by the government.

I suppose that makes it

an illegal ill eagle.

Why did the ancient Roman police arrest an Eagle?

Because he was... Aquila.

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

I saw a seagull

I saw a huge seagull this morning. It was big enough to be a D gull... But not quite big enough to be an eagle. One thing's for sure, it definitely wasn't a beagle.

What did the Native American pornstar call himself?

Spread Eagle

What's the difference between a hawk and an eagle?

All birds have specialized tail feathers called pinions. An eagle has 8 pinions, while a hawk only has 7. So you could say the difference is only a matter of a pinion.

Endangered meal

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

Why aren't you supposed to help sick birds?

It's ill eagle

Why couldn't the farmer drive around the sick bird lying in the middle of the dirt road?

Because it was an ill eagle pass.

A guy gave me a badass eagle tattoo in my crotch region for $50.

It looked so sick that I asked him to give me a matching tattoo in the palm of my hand so I could show it to everyone, but he said this one would cost $100. He said, A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

A teacher confiscates two birds, a dog, and a handgun from a kindergarten student.

Teacher: "What are you doing with these things?!"

Student: "I'm practicing my alphabet."

Teacher: "Bringing animals and a gun to class is no way to learn!"

Student: "Sure it is. I have a beagle, a seagull, a Deagle, and an eagle."

Two Bald Eagles

A bald eagle decides to stop by a small lake to get a drink. As he's drinking another bald eagle lands next to him.


He looks at the eagle and notices a tulip, a rose, and a rabbit's foot on top of his head.

"What's with the stuff on your head?", the eagle asks.

"Oh this?", he points to his head with his wing, "I'm trying hare in plants."

I found this little baby eagle on the ground and it looked like it was sick.

I thought about taking it to the vet, but I didn't pick it up because it's ill eagle.

What do you call an eagle that is sick?

Illegal

What's the difference between an eagle and a snitch?

Nothing, they both talon you.

Here all night.

When checking in for his flight, the wedge-tailed eagle was asked: Would you like to check some baggage or purchase an in-flight meal?

The eagle replied: No thanks. I'll just have my carrion.

A kid walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, what's sex?"

The dad says, "Well Timmy, you're almost 10 years old so I guess you're old enough to know the truth. Follow me."

He follows his dad to his room where his mother is spread eagle on the bed.

"Now son, do you see that hole between your mother's legs?"

"Yeah..."

"Watch this."

With that, the dad went to town on his mom. A few seconds later the boy's little sister walked by.

"Whatcha doin?"

"Daddy is teaching me about sex."

"What's sex?" she asked.

"Well, you see that hole between daddy's legs?"

"Yeah..."

"Watch this."

I built the most American guitar ever

Made completely out of mirror polished, stainless steel from the World Trade Center in the shape of a bald eagle carrying a rifle.

Only has one octave, but I enjoy playing it, from C to shining C.

What do you call a sick eagle?

ILLEAGLE

Did you see that?

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

What kind of bird doesn't need a comb?

A bald eagle.

Donald Trump has just signed ANOTHER executive order

it's about foreign birds of prey. the order states that any bird, specifically eagles, who have some sort of illness like flu will not be allowed to enter the country.

Trump has labelled them -
ILL EAGLE IMMIGRANTS

The Eagles held the record for bestselling album of all time.

That was until Micheal Jackson beat it..

Gliding Eagles

Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers.

They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other.

The first eagle, excitedly 'Wow!! Now thats what I call speed!!'

The second eagle, calmly replies 'Trust me. You would be flying that fast too if your sphincter was on fire.'

What do you call a sick eagle that just flew in from out of the country?

an ill-eagle immigrant

I saw a huge seagull today...

It might have been a D-gull

But I don't think it could have been an eagle.

So the Judge says "OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty." Then he leans over and whispers "Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?"

The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."

A man is caught feasting on a Bald Eagle by a park ranger.

He is taken to court and the judge asks him why he committed this crime.

The man replies I had no other choice and this was my only way of survival.

Given the circumstances, the judge decides that this man is telling the truth and let's him off the case. But being curious, the judge asks Well, how did it taste like?

The man replied Have you ever had Spotted Owl?

What kind of bird is not allowed to get sick?

An ill eagle

A guy had an eagle. One day it was sick. It puked everywhere and wouldn't stop. Worried, the guy called the vet. Instead of the vet, the cops came and took it away.

Cos it was Ill-eagle.

"I would never kill a protected bird"

So a bloke is doing his country business hunting for animals that are allowed to be hunted when he shoots a golden eagle. These birds in the UK are protected and it's illegal to harm them. Therefore he went to court.

Man-"I'm so sorry i would never kill a protected bird i love them. It was an accident that i promise wouldn't happen again."

Judge-"Well, after you killed it, what did you do with it?'

Man-"Well i wouldn't want to put i to waste so i took it back, cooked it and then ate it. Thought it was the only use it had"

Judge-"Well if you are it what did it taste like?"

Man-"Tastes like swan"

Why was the sick eagle in prison?

Because she was illegal.

Dave and his girlfriend check into the hotel room.

As soon as they walk in, the girl immediately jumps up on the bed and lays in a spread eagle.

She asks - Dave, do you know what it means?

Dave - yeah, that you wanna sleep on this bed all by yourself.

What is the bird of peace?

Dove.


What is the bird of prey?
Eagle

What is the bird of oral sex?
Swallow

If the Bald Eagle is the symbol of freedom and the Dove is the symbol of peace, what bird is the symbol of love?

The swallow.

The difference between a Life Scout and an Eagle Scout.

A Life Scout is ready for anything. The Eagle Scout is ready for Murphy's Law.

If eagles are the birds of American freedom, then what is the bird of American love?

A Swallow

Why can't you own a sick eagle?

Because it's ill-eagle!

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes