Eagerly Jokes

What are some Eagerly jokes?

Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers.

They defend the ships much more eagerly.

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

Little Johnny is in Catholic School

The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"

Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."

Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."

Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."

The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.

Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"

Speechmaking

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

edit=correct word(s)

Before leaving for the convention center on Election night, Hilary told Bill: "Tonight, for the first time in history, America will finally have two presidents sleeping with each other"...

When she got home, Bill was already eagerly waiting in bed, and he said:

"Is Trump on his way or should I drive to his place?"

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. 

When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute !!"

A guy drank some magic beer

A man sat alone at the bar of a rooftop club. Soon another man sat beside him and asked him what he was drinking.

"Magic beer." the man said.

"What do you mean by magic beer?" the new arrival asked.

The magic beer drinker took 2 gulps of beer and jumped off the building. He flew around the rooftop a few times and landed back on his stool.

"That was incredible!" the other man said.

The new arrival eagerly took some gulps of the magic beer and jumped off the roof. He plummeted 15 stories to his death.

"You know, you're a real douchebag when you're drunk, Superman." said the spectating bartender.

A Young Bull and an Old Bull

are standing on a hill and see cows in the pasture below.

The young bull eagerly says, "Let's run down there and screw one of those cows!"

"No," the older bull replies, "Let's *walk* down there and screw *all* of them."

Bear and Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit both live in the woods. The two have been friends for as long as they can remember; they go everywhere with each other and do everything together.

One day, as they wander the woods, they find a magic genie lamp. They eagerly rub the lamp and out comes a genie. He says in a deep voice, "I am the all-powerful genie, and I can grant anything you desire. Unfortunately, I am only allowed to grant three wishes."

The bear immediately decides that he gets two of the wishes, and the rabbit, being the smaller and weaker of the two, is left with only one.

The bear first says, "I wish all of the female bears in the world loved me," to which the genie says, "It is done." He then states, "I wish I was the only male bear in all the forest," to which the genie once again replies, "It is done."

The rabbit who has been sitting on the side the whole time has been getting angry with his old friend the bear. When the genie asks him his wish, he refuses to be outdone.

He says, "For my wish, I wish the bear was gay."

Two hillbillies are discussing plans for dinner

After throwing ideas back and forth of what to cook, their eyes catch some roadkill on the side of the road. One of them eagerly suggests, "how about Himalayan Woodchuck?"

"Himalayan Woodchuck?" the other hillbilly scoffed. "What in the devil is that?"

"You know," the other says, gesturing towards the corpse, "because we found Himalayan on the side of the road."

An old man's brush with death

An old man who was recovering from a near fatal heart attack was sitting in a hospital bed with his family at his side. The old man's son cautiously asked, " Did you see. . . the light, Dad?" His father replied, "Why, yes I most certainty did!" Everyone in the room gasped and eagerly stared at the old man to tell more of his experience. His son asked " What did you see, Dad, did you see God?" to which his father replied, " There I was son, being carried to heaven by two. . . . two people." His son blurts out, "Who were these people!" The old man looks up towards the sky and closes his eyes, " It was Jesus and Muhammad, they carried me and told me I was going to be okay th..." The nurse in the room bursts out with laughter, which immediately offends the old man's family. The son stands up and says " Who do you think you are laughing at my father during his most spiritual moment!" The nurse says, " Excuse me for laughing but Jesus and Muhammad are two of our ambulance drivers."

A long married couple sits in the kitchen.

The wife cooks something, while the husband sits at his table eagerly waiting for his meal. Suddenly the wife soils herself with tomato sauce and turns around to her loved one.

"Well, damn...Look at this, I look like a pig!"

To which the husband responds: "AND you soiled yourself..."



Sounds better in Viennese tongue...but, yeah...

A scout master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert? he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

Yes, Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you? asked the scout master.

Davey replied, A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.

Why is that, Davey? asked the scout master.

Well, answered Davey, the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration.

And what about the deck of cards? asked the scout master impatiently.

Davey replied, Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten.'

Consequences of taking off early from work

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead who all worked in the same office. Every Friday, their boss would leave the office early to go home. One day the brunette says, "You know, we should leave early too when our boss leaves next friday!" The other two eagerly agree and set a plan in motion.
Next Friday, after their boss leaves work early, the three leave work early too. The Brunette goes to a restaurant to have an early dinner. The redhead goes to a bar. And the blonde goes home. Upon walking through the door, the blonde hears noises coming from the bedroom she shares with her husband. She walks to the door and peeks inside to find her boss and her husband having sex. She closes the door, gets back in her car, and goes back to work, only to return home at her usual time. On Monday, the three friends get together to discuss their Friday adventures. The Brunette and the Redhead agree that they want to do it every Friday that their boss leaves.
The Blonde says, "No way! I almost got caught!"

The german baby

A couple adopts a german baby, and eagerly wait for its first words. The baby turns one,...then two...and three...and nothing, the parents begin to worry, and have him examined by a doctor, but the doctor can find nothing wrong...another year goes by, and still nothing.

One day, when he's four, as they are sitting down to dinner, the kid says, 'This apple strudel is a bit tepid.' The parents are overjoyed that their son has finally spoken, and ask him, ' Wolfgang, after all these years you've finally said something! Why didnt you say anything earlier?'

The kid answers, ' Up till now, everything was satisfactory.'

A zebra and his stripes

One day a zebra was conflicted on whether he was actually black or white. So he goes up to his friend and asks, "am I black or white?". His friend replys, "only God knows the true answer". So the zebra sets off to ask God. After much discussion God tells him, "you are what you are". Disappointed, the zebra travels back to his friend. As he approaches his friend eagerly says, "what did he say??". The zebra says, "all he said was you are what you are". His friend replies, "Oh you're white then".

"how do you figure?" the zebra says.

His friend replies, "well if you were black you'd be you is what you is".

The ladder to success

A broke young woman is walking down the road. She happens to come across a very large ladder in the middle of road. So she asks a man standing nearby what its there for, he replies saying "well, its the ladder to success!". She then proceeds to climb the ladder very eagerly. She then finds her way to the top. There stands a bright red door, so she knocks on the door. And suddenly a very large man comes out with a big grin saying " Hey there, my name's Sess"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are busy with yet another complicated case.

Suddenly, Holmes seizes a chunk of blood-spattered limestone from the ground.

"What is it, Holmes?" asks Watson, eagerly.

Holmes turns and replies, gravely, "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson.

Two scientists are about the open the results of a recent experiment.

The first scientist eagerly asks the other: "So, what does it say? Is it looking like we're pretty close to a cure?"
"Well, it appears that out of all the mice that received the new treatment, we were only able to successfully cure every-other one. So, the odds aren't looking very good..."

I walked up to a group of girls.

I said, "Would you like to see a magic trick?"

"Yes," they smiled eagerly.

Then I handed them a David Blaine DVD and walked off.

A maths teachers husband buys an Aston Martin.

He pulls up into the drive of their house, eagerly awaiting his wife's response.

Instead, she looks angry and horrified. She storm up to his window and says "You ALWAYS leech off of MY money!"

"W-What?"

"LOOK AT YOU! I don't know HOW you earned this car!"

"Why?"

"YOU DIDN'T DO THE WORKING FOR IT!"

A man driving to the store finds no place to park...

He sees an empty parking spot and eagerly drives his car into the slot, paying no attention to the "Customer Only" sign. When he comes back, his car has disappeared. He storms into the bank, where he demands to know where his car went. The banker looks straight into his eyes and whispers "I towed you so."

The priest reached out and pressed the bell for the boy.

A local priest was walking down the street of his small town. He was happily humming a tune when he saw a little boy trying to reach the doorbell of a nearby house.

Hey there, kid said the priest with a kind smile, let me help you out. The priest reached out and pressed the bell for the boy.

Anything else I can do for you? he asked.

Yes, said the boy, nodding eagerly. Run! We've only got a few seconds before they come!

A tourist in Africa is tired and looking for a ride

While going down the street a truck driver stops and tells him he can take him where he is going. The tourist, eager to get off his feet, eagerly accepts. Shortly after getting in the truck the tourist falls asleep. Suddenly he is woken up by three bumps in the road, but he thinks nothing of it and goes back to sleep. Finally he is woken up by the driver, having reached his destination.
"Sorry for the bumpy ride," the driver says, "I hit a black person on the way here."
"But I felt three bumps," the tourist inquires.
"Yea," the driver continues, "I had to go through two fences to get him."

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