Dying Jokes
160 dying jokes and hilarious dying puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dying that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
What do hair dying, fish dying, dog dying, cat dying, phone dying, and old man dying have in common? They all relate to the concept of mortality and remind us of how precious life is. From the perspective of different characters, this article explores the sensitive topic of death through humor and encourages us to cherish life while we can.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Dying Short Jokes
Short dying jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dying humour may include short dies jokes also.
- My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'. I know he means well.
- My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
- After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
- My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
- My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
- Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world? Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
- The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
- I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
- What's the best Chuck Norris joke you've ever heard? My personal favorite is: chuck norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died
- In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people. In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
Share These Dying Jokes With Friends
Dying One Liners
Which dying one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dying? I can suggest the ones about grieving and burning alive.
- What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died? My Korea is over
- A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
- When you die what body part dies last? The pupils, they dilate
- How did 10 die? because it was in the middle of 9 11.
- How did 10 die? He was caught in the middle of 9/11
- Racecar backwards is still racecar but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.
- The inventor of autocorrect died The funnel will be held tomato.
- My grief counselor suddenly died. Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.
- Ever since Bader Ginsburg died… … The American Supreme Court has been Ruthless.
- My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died She was eaten by a giant crab
- Son: Dad, how do star die? Dad: Drugs, usually.
- After my ex died, I couldn't shower alone for 10 years But I'm out of prison now
- Where do James Bond Actors go when they die? 00Heaven
- My Korean friend died yesterday So Yung...
- I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died ...and then I heard it a few seconds later
Old Man Dying Jokes
Here is a list of funny old man dying jokes and even better old man dying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The old Italian man didn't die. He pasta way.
- I'm black, and I really hate it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. I guess some old habits never die... White man always leavin' me hanging
- An Australian old man walks into a hospital. He says, "I came here to die."
The nurse says, "No, you came here yesterdie." - An old man on his death bed ask his wife for one dying wish. She says anything for you.
I would like you to marry John when I die.
The wife says but I thought you hated John.
He replied I DO!! - An old man was asking God: "God, how much time do I have until I'll die?"
And God answered: "Nine."
"God, is that you? What do you mean? Nine months? Nine years?"
"Eight, seven, six..." - Most popular joke in my country... Once there was a very very old man. He died when he was a child.
- A man in ancient Egypt commits a crime. The Pharaoh says "The penalty for your crime is death." "How would like to die?" "Death by old age"
- A 32 year old Florida man has died after overdosing on his homeopathic regimen. He forgot to take his pills.
Credit to the great James Randi - That old man reminds me of your puppy... They're both probably going to die within 20 years.
- A doctor asks an dying old man: "How do you feel about euthanasia?" Old man: "I don't care if young people want to be in Asia. Let em."
Dog Dying Jokes
Here is a list of funny dog dying jokes and even better dog dying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
- • My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
- "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died." - My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up. But it made her even more upset.
She screamed at me saying, What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs? - My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?" - My girlfriends dog died recently So to cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. It didn't work.
She said "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?" - My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.
She shouted at me and said, What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs? - Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don't have to be? Because it's sad when a dog dies.
- When I die, I'm leaving my vintage meme collection to my son. My will will simply say you're the man now, dog
- Parents in 1998: Don't believe everything you read on the internet Parents in 2018: Did you know that dogs will die if you feed them ice cubes?
Phone Dying Jokes
Here is a list of funny phone dying jokes and even better phone dying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I get bitterly angry every time my cell phone dies. My therapist suggested I find an outlet.
- I put Jesus on my background pic and now my phone never dies Yup, he's my screen-savior
- Why was the Emo girl jealous of her phone? It died
- I was sitting in the courtroom the other day and my phone started to die. Luckily I brought my mobile power bank. Anyways, I was charged with battery.
- She died doing what she loved... Looking at her phone while crossing the street
- "Our neighbor died just now" I told my wife after I hanged up my phone "Who, Ray?"
"Why are you cheering? You don't even know who I am talking about?" - Did you know that Princess Diana was on her cell phone when she died? She was also on the dashboard, the windscreen, the roadside...
- My phone died and my buddy said I'm sorry for your loss...
Where is the service? - I knew I was stressed out when my phone's battery died but i really just needed an outlet
- My phone died... There won't be any service.
Hair Dying Jokes
Here is a list of funny hair dying jokes and even better hair dying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair black? Artificial intelligence.
- Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die. But FAT CELLS… must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life.
- Another blonde joke... SFW What do you call a blonde who dies her hair black?
Artificial intelligence.. - Brain cells die, skin cells die, hair cells die But fat cells must have accepted jesus as their lord savior because of their eternal life
- My girlfriend is at the barber. She is dying to get a new hair color.
- Did you hear about the barber who cut almost all of his hair off and then died? They say he went out with a bang.
- I think I might be dying But I really like the color of my hair right now.
- As a physician I can not disclose if any of my patients have long hair, smoke cannabis or wear tie die clothes.. Because of hippie privacy regulations.
- If you wanna cut, cut your hair. But if you wanna die Dye your hair too!
- My wife combed my hair for me like she used to, right before she died. I guess she wanted to leave me with a parting gift.
Fish Dying Jokes
Here is a list of funny fish dying jokes and even better fish dying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise? -Because the other fish were crying.
- About 4,000 years ago: God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: Correction, I shall create a great flood! - Why can't a fish be a radio host? Because if he goes on air, he'll die.
- If I had 2 fish I would name them 1 and 2 so if 1 died I would still have 2.
- The most Canadian joke i know How did the newfie die of ice fishing?
He got hit by the zamboni! - There was this fish and it wants to be a broadcaster It went on air.....And died
- a fish walks into a bar..... the bartender asks "what will it be?" Fish replies " am dying for a glass of water."
- What do you do when your fish is dying? Give it SeaPR
- How can you save a fish from dying? By drowning it.
- If a fish died in the ocean... ...does it become a marine corpse?
Dying Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about dying you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean deceased jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dying pranks.
Guy walks into a f**... home
He tells the receptionist, my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.
Receptionist says, sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we'll get the process started.
Guy says, well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.
Ah, the receptionist says. The plot thickens.
My biggest fear is dying alone.
That's why I drive a school bus.
Why do they have fences around cemeteries?
Because everyone is dying to get in.
In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke
A wife was dying.
A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."
Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."
Mans dying wish
Did you hear about the guy whose dying wish was to have Dallas Cowboys as his pall bearers? He wanted to give them the chance to let him down one last time.
Jake's final conversation
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to" his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Patriotism
A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her p**... and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.
He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the s**... had a newspaper route."
An old man was lying on his deathbed.
An old man was lying on his deathbed. His wife of forty years was holding his hand.
He looked at her and said Margaret, It seems like you have always been with me when I was in need. Remember that time I fell down the stairs? You stayed with me. And when I lost my job? You were right there. Now that I am dying, you are here. You know what, Margaret?
What, John?
I think you're a jinx.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense?
Seriously. That other guy hasn't answered yet, and I'm dying to find out!
"What are those things on mommy's chest?"
A young boy once asked his father: "DAD, what are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied: "Son, those are mommy's balloons you see, before she dies they get pumped up and she floats to heaven."
A couple days later, the father comes home early from work and sits on the couch. The young boy runs downstairs screaming: "DAD! DAD! MOM'S DYING!" The father get's up quickly and asks: "WHAT'S WRONG!!" The young boy replies: "UNCLE JAKE'S UPSTAIRS BLOWING UP MOMMY'S BALLOONS AND SHE'S YELLING OH GOD I'M COMING!"
A blonde is dying
A blonde lady walks into her Dr's office and says 'oh Doctor, I'm dying, I'm dying. The Dr says 'oh my, what's the problem?' She taps her forehead and says 'it hurts here'. She taps her neck and says 'it hurts here', she taps her chest and says 'it hurts here', she taps her stomach and says 'it hurts here'. 'I hurt everywhere Dr, I'm dying'.
The doctor exams her and says 'lady, you've got a broken finger!'.
Peter is different
A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".
Dying husband asks his wife:
Our 7th son always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?"
Wife (crying): Yes!
Husband: Who?
Wife: You!
Husband Dies.
why do they put gates around a graveyard?
Because people are dying to get in
Two men were lost in a desert...
Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.
The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.
Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.
As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.
The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.
The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"
The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."
Today's Top Joke
Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."
Dad joke heard at the beach
Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me.
This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? *trash* talk?"
I was dying. That kid is going to make a great dad.
The Dying Man and the Cookies
An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your f**...!"
Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic?
It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying.
Obligatory
A dying grandma tells her grandchild....
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."
An old man is dying..
His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.
What is the best part about a p**... dying in the middle of your session?
The next hour is free.
(Corny)-Why did the grave keeper build a fence around the grave yard?
Cuz everyone was dying to get in.
You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health?
I'm voting for the dying one.
I have an EpiPen
I don't need it but I always keep it for sentimental value.
A friend of mines gave it to me as he was dying, I don't know why but it seemed very important to him I had it.
A dying husband asked his wife...
A dying husband asked his wife: "Honey our 6^th child looks different from our other 5 children, did he have a different father?
Wife : "I am sorry but yes"
Husband: "Can you tell me who?"
Wife: "Yes, you"
Husband died.
My biggest fear used to be dying alone
but thanks to Trump, I know it'll be in a camp, surrounded by other minorities.
Me and my wife decided to form a s**... pact...
Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.
Dying in a tsunami isn't so bad...
At least the earth gives you a wave goodbye.
What is with 2016?
It's like everyone and their mothers are dying.
^^sorry ^^not ^^sorry
A man is dying of cancer...
But he tells everyone he's dying of aids
His son asks him why.
He replies "So no one will have s**... with my wife when I'm gone"
An advertiser for coke is dispatched to Israel
When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well.
"What happened?" his friend asked.
"Well, since I didn't know hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The secone panel showed him drinking coke. And the third panel showed him completely rejuvenated."
"That sounds great! Why didn't it work?"
"Nobody told me they read right to left!"
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
What is a s**... b**... worst fear?
Dying alone!
Why are there fences around cemeteries?
People are dying to get in.
*Told to me by pastor this morning just before Sunrise Service.*
What did the Roman soldier say when Jesus whispered his dying words on the cross?
Come again?
I was always afraid of dying alone, so thanks for being with me in my final moments.
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
Doctor are my results ready?
"Doctor, are my results ready? I'm dying from curiosity!"
Doctor: "Heh, not only from curiosity ;)"
TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.
It's called the Tour de France.
My father passed away last night because we couldn't remember his blood type...
...As he lay there dying he kept on insisting us to 'be positive', but it's really hard without him.
Why do graveyards have fences?
People are dying to get in.
The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.
As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,
Why did you become a pilot?
To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.
Flying? the pilot asks
No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.
My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet
But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.
A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:
"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo."
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"
*Joke was translated from Bulgarian*
I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."
"The fear of flying?", I asked.
"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
Kamikaze
It's a dying art
I heard about this little village in Africa where everybody is dying of thirst...
So I sent them a "Get Well Soon" card.
Mumble rappers are dying off
Lil' by Lil'
Why are there usually fences around a cemetery?
Because everyone's just dying to get in!
My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration.
A reminder that there are worse things in life than dying alone.
I've heard that more people are getting cremated than buried these days.
I guess coffins are a dying business.
I drank accidently ended up drinking some food colouring last night.
I ended up dying inside.
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.
It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.
He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:
No, you can't have those! They're for the f**...!
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
Don't be scared of dying. People die all the time.
You don't hear them complaining about it.
Would now be a good time to make a joke about the Mars rover dying?
Or has the Opportunity passed?
What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?
You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.
Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
My dad died this day last year because we didn't know his blood type to get a transfusion..
As he was dying he kept saying be positive but it was just so hard without him :/
A man asks the doctor: -"Have you got the results of my tests? I'm dying of curiosity!"
And the doctor replies: -"It's not just curiosity..."
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado-
Son: I'm adopted?!
Mother: No, you're adorable
Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom
Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
I always carry this insulin injection with me.
My dear friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed to be very important to him that I had it.
A man was dying
A man was dying in hospital. In his last moments, he grips his wife's hand and says:
Before I die, I have to confess to you. I've been sleeping with your best friend for the past year. I'm sorry.
She gently s**... his hair and says:
I know. That's why I poisoned your coffee. Now close your eyes, dear...
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.
He says to her:
'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and when our son died in a car c**...?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'
'yes'
'you know what?'
'no'
'i think you bring me bad luck'
What's s**... b**...' biggest fear?
Dying alone
After dying h**... arrives at the gates of heaven
God asks him his name and on hearing "h**..." instantly remarks that he should be sent to h**.... h**... pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot. On what possible merit would we consider admitting you into heaven ?"
h**... calmly replies "My Lord, I am also responsible for killing that man"
The obituaries are really concerning me as of late...
People seem to be dying in alphabetical order.
After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"
"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."
"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"
My wife was dying.
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.
Everything's alright."
"No, I must die in peace. I had s**... with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."
It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...
...they seem to be a dying breed
I told my best friend I was dying.
Him: "Oh my God! What have all the doctors said?"
Me: "Goodbye mostly"
I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers.....
It's a dying movement.
My friend gave me her Epi–Pen as she was dying.
I held her hand and took it.
I don't know why but it seemed very important to her that I have it.
A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"
His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Whose is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"
Catholics have been lobbying for vaccine exemptions
Because theres nothing more catholic than someone else dying for your sins
I don't get it..Travis Scott is trash, but it seems everyone is dying to see him live
Whoops.
Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.
A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.
The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!
Confused, he says, Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.
After a few minutes, the woman, still sobbing, asks, How many is a Brazilian?
