Dying Jokes
159 dying jokes and hilarious dying puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dying that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
What do hair dying, fish dying, dog dying, cat dying, phone dying, and old man dying have in common? They all relate to the concept of mortality and remind us of how precious life is. From the perspective of different characters, this article explores the sensitive topic of death through humor and encourages us to cherish life while we can.
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Funniest Dying Short Jokes
Short dying jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dying humour may include short dies jokes also.
- My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
- My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
- My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
- The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
- I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
- What's the best Chuck Norris joke you've ever heard? My personal favorite is: chuck norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died
- In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people. In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
- I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.
- Valentine's.... For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's card from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
First my gran dies, now this! - After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"
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Dying One Liners
Which dying one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dying? I can suggest the ones about grieving and deceased.
- What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died? My Korea is over
- A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
- When you die what body part dies last? The pupils, they dilate
- How did 10 die? because it was in the middle of 9 11.
- Racecar backwards is still racecar but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.
- The inventor of autocorrect died The funnel will be held tomato.
- My grief counselor suddenly died. Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.
- My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died She was eaten by a giant crab
- Son: Dad, how do star die? Dad: Drugs, usually.
- After my ex died, I couldn't shower alone for 10 years But I'm out of prison now
- Where do James Bond Actors go when they die? 00Heaven
- My Korean friend died yesterday So Yung...
- I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died ...and then I heard it a few seconds later
- I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died He stepped on a landmine
- The man who invented the "VELCRO" died today.... ...RIP.
Old Man Dying Jokes
Here is a list of funny old man dying jokes and even better old man dying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The old Italian man didn't die. He pasta way.
- An old man was asking God: "God, how much time do I have until I'll die?"
And God answered: "Nine."
"God, is that you? What do you mean? Nine months? Nine years?"
"Eight, seven, six..." - Most popular joke in my country... Once there was a very very old man. He died when he was a child.
- A man in ancient Egypt commits a crime. The Pharaoh says "The penalty for your crime is death." "How would like to die?" "Death by old age"
- A 32 year old Florida man has died after overdosing on his homeopathic regimen. He forgot to take his pills.
- A doctor asks an dying old man: "How do you feel about euthanasia?" Old man: "I don't care if young people want to be in Asia. Let em."
- Old man Nile was obsessed with lakes, oceans and rivers, he died contracting hydrocephalus. He had water on the brain
- Why did the old man die? Because he was old.
- [Actually true story] An old man tells his wife is on his death bed: Some people have such an easy time dying but I am almost croaking in the process.
- What do you call a hundred year old man who dies in the library? Overdue
Dog Dying Jokes
Here is a list of funny dog dying jokes and even better dog dying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- • My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
- "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died." - Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don't have to be? Because it's sad when a dog dies.
- When I die, I'm leaving my vintage meme collection to my son. My will will simply say you're the man now, dog
- Parents in 1998: Don't believe everything you read on the internet Parents in 2018: Did you know that dogs will die if you feed them ice cubes?
- How did Garfield's dog die? He OD'd
- My Dog named Kobe just died :( The first Kobe I know who passed.
- I have 2 dogs, the first is called one and the second is called two. If one dies, I still have two.
- Anti Vaxx Dating a girl with an unvaccinated kid is like adopting an old dog. You feel like you're being a good person for accepting it, then you get attached and they die when they're 12.
- The inventor of dog treats died earlier today... He was a good boy, yes he was...
Phone Dying Jokes
Here is a list of funny phone dying jokes and even better phone dying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I get bitterly angry every time my cell phone dies. My therapist suggested I find an outlet.
- I put Jesus on my background pic and now my phone never dies Yup, he's my screen-savior
- Why was the Emo girl jealous of her phone? It died
- I was sitting in the courtroom the other day and my phone started to die. Luckily I brought my mobile power bank. Anyways, I was charged with battery.
- She died doing what she loved... Looking at her phone while crossing the street
- "Our neighbor died just now" I told my wife after I hanged up my phone "Who, Ray?"
"Why are you cheering? You don't even know who I am talking about?" - My phone died and my buddy said I'm sorry for your loss...
Where is the service? - I knew I was stressed out when my phone's battery died but i really just needed an outlet
- My phone died... There won't be any service.
- Nurse: My phone just died. Doctor: Let's call it.
Hair Dying Jokes
Here is a list of funny hair dying jokes and even better hair dying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Brain cells die, skin cells die, hair cells die But fat cells must have accepted jesus as their lord savior because of their eternal life
- My girlfriend is at the barber. She is dying to get a new hair color.
- Did you hear about the barber who cut almost all of his hair off and then died? They say he went out with a bang.
- I think I might be dying But I really like the color of my hair right now.
- As a physician I can not disclose if any of my patients have long hair, smoke cannabis or wear tie die clothes.. Because of hippie privacy regulations.
- My wife combed my hair for me like she used to, right before she died. I guess she wanted to leave me with a parting gift.
- Have you heard of the new hair colorer which has a one in six chance of killing you? It's called the die die dye.
- Jesus was a hippie He had sandals, long hair and he died hugging a tree
- My co-worker turned up to work with bright purple hair. I think he seriously misunderstood the insult "go die"
- What do you call it when, in a hair family, the son hair dies? Heirfall.
Fish Dying Jokes
Here is a list of funny fish dying jokes and even better fish dying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise? -Because the other fish were crying.
- About 4,000 years ago: God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: Correction, I shall create a great flood! - Why can't a fish be a radio host? Because if he goes on air, he'll die.
- If I had 2 fish I would name them 1 and 2 so if 1 died I would still have 2.
- The most Canadian joke i know How did the newfie die of ice fishing?
He got hit by the zamboni! - There was this fish and it wants to be a broadcaster It went on air.....And died
- a fish walks into a bar..... the bartender asks "what will it be?" Fish replies " am dying for a glass of water."
- What do you do when your fish is dying? Give it SeaPR
- If a fish died in the ocean... ...does it become a marine corpse?
- What is the difference between fish and meat? If you beat your fish, it will die.
Dying Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about dying you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean deadly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dying pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a f**... home
He tells the receptionist, my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.
Receptionist says, sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we'll get the process started.
Guy says, well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.
Ah, the receptionist says. The plot thickens.
Why do they have fences around cemeteries?
Because everyone is dying to get in.
In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke
A wife was dying.
A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."
Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."
Mans dying wish
Did you hear about the guy whose dying wish was to have Dallas Cowboys as his pall bearers? He wanted to give them the chance to let him down one last time.
Jake's final conversation
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to" his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Patriotism
A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her p**... and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.
He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the s**... had a newspaper route."
An old man was lying on his deathbed.
An old man was lying on his deathbed. His wife of forty years was holding his hand.
He looked at her and said Margaret, It seems like you have always been with me when I was in need. Remember that time I fell down the stairs? You stayed with me. And when I lost my job? You were right there. Now that I am dying, you are here. You know what, Margaret?
What, John?
I think you're a jinx.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
"What are those things on mommy's chest?"
A young boy once asked his father: "DAD, what are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied: "Son, those are mommy's balloons you see, before she dies they get pumped up and she floats to heaven."
A couple days later, the father comes home early from work and sits on the couch. The young boy runs downstairs screaming: "DAD! DAD! MOM'S DYING!" The father get's up quickly and asks: "WHAT'S WRONG!!" The young boy replies: "UNCLE JAKE'S UPSTAIRS BLOWING UP MOMMY'S BALLOONS AND SHE'S YELLING OH GOD I'M COMING!"
Peter is different
A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".
A Dying husband asks his wife....
A Dying husband asks his wife: Our 7th son always looked different from the other 6, on my death bed, tell me the truth...did he have a different father?
Wife (crying): Yes!
Husband (in shock): Who?
Wife: You!
why do they put gates around a graveyard?
Because people are dying to get in
Two men were lost in a desert...
Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.
The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.
Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.
As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.
The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.
The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"
The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."
My girlfriend must think I'm rich and dying
She keeps telling me to leave her a loan
Dad joke heard at the beach
Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me.
This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? *trash* talk?"
I was dying. That kid is going to make a great dad.
A dying lawyer
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
A man is dying of cancer...
He tells his wife, "Honey, if things start looking bad, please just turn off my life support."
A tear rolls down her cheek as he grasps her hand and continues, "Then turn it back on again and see if that fixes it."
Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic?
It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying.
Obligatory
A dying grandma tells her grandchild....
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."
An old man is dying..
His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.
You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health?
I'm voting for the dying one.
A man in need of a brain
A man was dying in the hospital and he needed a new brain or he wouldn't survive for long, the doctor told him there were 3 available brains but each with a price.
The first one was an professor's brain that costs 3000 dollar
The second brain was a teachers brain that costs 2500 dollar
The third brain was the brain of a blonde woman that costs a good 9000 dollar
The man asks why the blondes brain is so expensive
The doctor replies: because it's never used
I once knew a vampire who refused to drink blood
He would satisfy his cravings with fake blood, which his body rejected and he ended up dying from it.
I asked him on his death bed how the fake blood tasted and he said "a little irony"
A dying man looks up into his wife's eyes and says, "Honey, before I go I have something I need to tell you."
To which she replies, "I already know, dear. That's why I poisoned you."
My biggest fear used to be dying alone
but thanks to Trump, I know it'll be in a camp, surrounded by other minorities.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me and my wife decided to form a s**... pact...
Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.
Dying in a tsunami isn't so bad...
At least the earth gives you a wave goodbye.
What is with 2016?
It's like everyone and their mothers are dying.
^^sorry ^^not ^^sorry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is dying of cancer...
But he tells everyone he's dying of aids
His son asks him why.
He replies "So no one will have s**... with my wife when I'm gone"
An advertiser for coke is dispatched to Israel
When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well.
"What happened?" his friend asked.
"Well, since I didn't know hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The secone panel showed him drinking coke. And the third panel showed him completely rejuvenated."
"That sounds great! Why didn't it work?"
"Nobody told me they read right to left!"
Why are there fences around cemeteries?
People are dying to get in.
*Told to me by pastor this morning just before Sunrise Service.*
What was the internet technicians dying words?
Tell my WiFi love her
I asked my grandfather what it's like in a graveyard
He said he wasn't sure but it must be good, as last he heard everyone he knew was dying to get in there.
What did the Roman soldier say when Jesus whispered his dying words on the cross?
Come again?
Did you hear about the hunter who got squashed by the dying elephant?
He finally understood the gravity of his actions.
I was always afraid of dying alone, so thanks for being with me in my final moments.
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
Doctor are my results ready?
"Doctor, are my results ready? I'm dying from curiosity!"
Doctor: "Heh, not only from curiosity ;)"
TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.
It's called the Tour de France.
The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.
As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,
Why did you become a pilot?
To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.
Flying? the pilot asks
No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.
I'd never been on a London double decker, didn't have any money but told the driver I was dying to get on
He looked me dead in the eye and said "Life isn't fare."
My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet
But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.
A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:
"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo."
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"
*Joke was translated from Bulgarian*
Now that the tide pod fad is dying down
lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.
I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."
"The fear of flying?", I asked.
"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."
My Dad's dying wish was to have his family around him.
I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen
I watched the new Infinity War movie yesterday...
I was Loki dying in the beginning
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
Kamikaze
It's a dying art
I heard about this little village in Africa where everybody is dying of thirst...
So I sent them a "Get Well Soon" card.
ME: I feel like I'm dying inside
DAD: Go outside.
Mumble rappers are dying off
Lil' by Lil'
My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration.
A reminder that there are worse things in life than dying alone.
I've heard that more people are getting cremated than buried these days.
I guess coffins are a dying business.
I drank accidently ended up drinking some food colouring last night.
I ended up dying inside.
What Africa Really needs
If only Africa had more mosquito nets
Then every year we could save millions
Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids
\- Jimmy Carr
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
What's more Irish than living off of potatoes?
Dying from no potatoes.
Don't be scared of dying. People die all the time.
You don't hear them complaining about it.
Would now be a good time to make a joke about the Mars rover dying?
Or has the Opportunity passed?
A man asks the doctor: -"Have you got the results of my tests? I'm dying of curiosity!"
And the doctor replies: -"It's not just curiosity..."
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado-
Son: I'm adopted?!
Mother: No, you're adorable
Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom
Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
A teacher asks her primary school students what their father do for a living
"So, Timothy, what does your father do ?"
"My dad is a firefighter !"
"Fantastic ! And you Samantha, what does your father do ?"
" He's an accountant !"
"Wonderful ! And yours, Jimmy ?"
Poor little Jimmy then breaks into tears and wails "my father is dead !"
"Oh, I'm so sorry Jimmy, I didn't know... But did he do before dying ?"
"Well, he was all like : ARGLALRGHALRLALGALHA !"
Man the graveyard looks overcrowded,
people are dying to get in!
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
I surveyed many people who had played Russian roulette
Seems like the probability of dying is actually 0%
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I still remember my fathers last words...."you selfish boy"
So i became a fishmonger, to follow his dying wish.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's s**... b**...' biggest fear?
Dying alone
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After dying h**... arrives at the gates of heaven
God asks him his name and on hearing "h**..." instantly remarks that he should be sent to h**.... h**... pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot. On what possible merit would we consider admitting you into heaven ?"
h**... calmly replies "My Lord, I am also responsible for killing that man"
The obituaries are really concerning me as of late...
People seem to be dying in alphabetical order.
After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"
"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."
"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"
My IQ really is room temperature
Its 120F please help me i'm dying
A dying kid makes a wish to meet Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne sits at the side of the hospital bed and asks the kid if he was a fan of wrestling.
The kid says yeah, and that he knows his only weakness.
Dwayne looks puzzled, and asks what it is.
"Come closer" says the kid.
Dwayne leans in, and the kid shows him his open palm. Dwayne looks confused, and the next second the kid slaps him full power across the face.
"Paper beats rock."
It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...
...they seem to be a dying breed
It's so nice to meet so many anti-vaxers here
It feels like we're a dying breed
I told my best friend I was dying.
Him: "Oh my God! What have all the doctors said?"
Me: "Goodbye mostly"
I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers.....
It's a dying movement.
A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"
His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Whose is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"
I don't get it..Travis Scott is trash, but it seems everyone is dying to see him live
Whoops.
An old man was dying, and asked his wife for a favor...
He said, I will be dying soon, so I'd like you to put all my prized possessions in the attic, so that when I die, my spirt can grab the items as I ascend to heaven.
The wife obliged, and when her husband passed a few days later, she ran up to the attic to see if he managed to take his belongings.
The attic was still full of all the possessions she put there.
She shook her head and said, I knew I should have put all his possessions in the basement.
My dad used to always say the same thing to us every single time we drove past a cemetery
"You know, people are just dying to get in there."
