dying Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious dying puns

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

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I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

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TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

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Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

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A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

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I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."

"The fear of flying?", I asked.

"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."

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Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

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An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

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Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

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A wife was dying.

A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."

Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

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What is a suicide bombers worst fear?

Dying alone!

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My wife was dying...

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

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My wife was dying..

I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice "there's something i must confess."
"Sshh" i said. "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No. I must die in peace. I fucked your Brother, your best friend, his best friend and your Dad!"
"I know." I whispered. "That's why i poisoned you, you cunt. Now shutup and fucking die!"

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You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health?

I'm voting for the dying one.

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What is with 2016?

It's like everyone and their mothers are dying.



^^sorry ^^not ^^sorry

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I have an EpiPen

A man lying on the roadside gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

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A man is dying of cancer...

But he tells everyone he's dying of aids

His son asks him why.

He replies "So no one will have sex with my wife when I'm gone"

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why do they put gates around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in

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Kamikaze

It's a dying art

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Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

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Dad joke heard at the beach

Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me.

This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? *trash* talk?"

I was dying. That kid is going to make a great dad.

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What's the best thing about a hooker dying on you?

Second hour is free.

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Jake's final conversation

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to" his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

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Why do they have fences around cemeteries?

Because everyone is dying to get in.


In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke

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My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet

But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.

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Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic?

It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying.

Obligatory

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Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."

Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the funeral."

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A dying husband asked his wife...

A dying husband asked his wife: "Honey our 6^th child looks different from our other 5 children, did he have a different father?

Wife : "I am sorry but yes"

Husband: "Can you tell me who?"

Wife: "Yes, you"

Husband died.

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What's the best way to fuck a red-headed virgin?

gingerly

(wrote this today, if anyone has ever heard it or can find a past use, I am dying to know)

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Dying husband asks his wife:

Our 7th son always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?"

Wife (crying): Yes!

Husband: Who?

Wife: You!

Husband Dies.

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Me and my wife decided to form a suicide pact...

Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.

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An old man lays dying in his bed with all his close family gathered around him...

Dying man: My son... Are you here?

Son: Yes dad, I'm right here with you, our whole family is.

Dying man: Daughter, are you here too?

Daughter: Yes dad, I'm here with your grandchildren, we're all with you.

Dying man: What about my wife and brothers?

Wife and brothers: Us too, everyone is here with you.

Dying man: Then why is the fucking light still on in the living room?

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Guy walks into a funeral home

He tells the receptionist, my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.

Receptionist says, sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we'll get the process started.

Guy says, well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.

Ah, the receptionist says. The plot thickens.

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I heard about this little village in Africa where everybody is dying of thirst...

So I sent them a "Get Well Soon" card.

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My biggest fear is dying alone.

That's why I drive a school bus.

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What are the most funny Dying jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Dying? Well, here are the best Dying dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Dying pick up lines to share with friends.

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