The Best 67 Dying Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Dying jokes. There are some dying starvation jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these dying graveyards puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Dying Jokes and Puns
Guy walks into a funeral home
He tells the receptionist, my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.
Receptionist says, sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we'll get the process started.
Guy says, well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.
Ah, the receptionist says. The plot thickens.
My biggest fear is dying alone.
That's why I drive a school bus.
Why do they have fences around cemeteries?
Because everyone is dying to get in.
In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke
A wife was dying.
A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."
Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."
Jake's final conversation
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to" his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Patriotism
A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.
He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck had a newspaper route."
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
"What are those things on mommy's chest?"
A young boy once asked his father: "DAD, what are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied: "Son, those are mommy's balloons you see, before she dies they get pumped up and she floats to heaven."
A couple days later, the father comes home early from work and sits on the couch. The young boy runs downstairs screaming: "DAD! DAD! MOM'S DYING!" The father get's up quickly and asks: "WHAT'S WRONG!!" The young boy replies: "UNCLE JAKE'S UPSTAIRS BLOWING UP MOMMY'S BALLOONS AND SHE'S YELLING OH GOD I'M COMING!"
Peter is different
A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".
Dying husband asks his wife:
Our 7th son always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?"
Wife (crying): Yes!
Husband: Who?
Wife: You!
Husband Dies.
You can explore dying die reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean dying yan dad jokes. There are also dying puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
why do they put gates around a graveyard?
Because people are dying to get in
Two men were lost in a desert...
Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.
The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.
Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.
As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.
The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.
The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"
The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."
Dad joke heard at the beach
Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me.
This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? *trash* talk?"
I was dying. That kid is going to make a great dad.
The Dying Man and the Cookies
An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your funeral!"
Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic?
It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying.
Obligatory
A dying grandma tells her grandchild....
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."
An old man is dying..
His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.
You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health?
I'm voting for the dying one.
A dying husband asked his wife...
A dying husband asked his wife: "Honey our 6^th child looks different from our other 5 children, did he have a different father?
Wife : "I am sorry but yes"
Husband: "Can you tell me who?"
Wife: "Yes, you"
Husband died.
Me and my wife decided to form a suicide pact...
Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.
What is with 2016?
It's like everyone and their mothers are dying.
^^sorry ^^not ^^sorry
A man is dying of cancer...
But he tells everyone he's dying of aids
His son asks him why.
He replies "So no one will have sex with my wife when I'm gone"
An advertiser for coke is dispatched to Israel
When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well.
"What happened?" his friend asked.
"Well, since I didn't know hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The secone panel showed him drinking coke. And the third panel showed him completely rejuvenated."
"That sounds great! Why didn't it work?"
"Nobody told me they read right to left!"
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
What is a suicide bombers worst fear?
Dying alone!
Why are there fences around cemeteries?
People are dying to get in.
*Told to me by pastor this morning just before Sunrise Service.*
I was always afraid of dying alone, so thanks for being with me in my final moments.
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the funeral."
TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.
It's called the Tour de France.
The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.
As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,
Why did you become a pilot?
To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.
Flying? the pilot asks
No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.
My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet
But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.
A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:
"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo."
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"
*Joke was translated from Bulgarian*
I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."
"The fear of flying?", I asked.
"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
Kamikaze
It's a dying art
I heard about this little village in Africa where everybody is dying of thirst...
So I sent them a "Get Well Soon" card.
Mumble rappers are dying off
Lil' by Lil'
I've heard that more people are getting cremated than buried these days.
I guess coffins are a dying business.
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
Don't be scared of dying. People die all the time.
You don't hear them complaining about it.
What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?
You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.
My dad died this day last year because we didn't know his blood type to get a transfusion..
As he was dying he kept saying be positive but it was just so hard without him :/
A man asks the doctor: -"Have you got the results of my tests? I'm dying of curiosity!"
And the doctor replies: -"It's not just curiosity..."
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado-
Son: I'm adopted?!
Mother: No, you're adorable
Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom
Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.
He says to her:
'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and when our son died in a car crash?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'
'yes'
'you know what?'
'no'
'i think you bring me bad luck'
What's suicide bombers' biggest fear?
Dying alone
After dying Hitler arrives at the gates of heaven
God asks him his name and on hearing "Hitler" instantly remarks that he should be sent to Hell. Hitler pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot. On what possible merit would we consider admitting you into heaven ?"
Hitler calmly replies "My Lord, I am also responsible for killing that man"
After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"
"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."
"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"
My wife was dying.
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.
Everything's alright."
"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."
It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...
...they seem to be a dying breed
I told my best friend I was dying.
Him: "Oh my God! What have all the doctors said?"
Me: "Goodbye mostly"
I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers.....
It's a dying movement.
My friend gave me her Epi–Pen as she was dying.
I held her hand and took it.
I don't know why but it seemed very important to her that I have it.
A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"
His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Whose is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"
Catholics have been lobbying for vaccine exemptions
Because theres nothing more catholic than someone else dying for your sins
Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.
A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.
The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!
Confused, he says, Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.
After a few minutes, the woman, still sobbing, asks, How many is a Brazilian?
My dad just died. This isn't a joke, I'm lost. I remember at his dads funeral he told me:
Why do they put fences around cemetery's? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his funeral to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?
My grandfather was such a brave man. Even while dying for want of a blood transfusion when nobody knew his blood type
with his last few words he kept telling us all to be positive.
Where's the best party at?
Morgue...people are literally dying to get in
Doctor: "You'll be at peace soon!"
Me : "Am I dying?"
Doctor: "No!! Your wife is."
Attention! Is there a Doctor on the Plane?!
I am a doctor.
-Please help him!!
But I'm a Pathologist.
-But he's dying!
Don't worry, I can wait.
Do you know why cemeteries have fences?
Because everyone is dying to get in.
A short, but funny one
A 103 year old man lay dying in his hospital bed and asks his wife Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?
His wife crying uncontrollably answers Yes
He asks Whose is it?
His wife replies Yours
Obituaries are starting to creep me out
People keep dying in alphabetical order
old joke
Husband is standing next to his dying wife. Wife tells him darling before i die i have a confession to make, please open up the box that is under the bed. Husband does it and finds 50k dollars and 3 chicken eggs. The man asks what's the deal with the 3 eggs?. Wife explains that every time she cheated on him she would put 1 egg inside the box. The husband says to her, well we were married almost 50 years, 3 eggs is not a lot, but honey what about the 50k?. Whenever I had a dozen eggs I would sell them.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the dying perish jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working dying dead piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.