Dutch Jokes
136 dutch jokes and hilarious dutch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dutch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
An article about Dutch jokes might discuss the stereotype that Dutch people are very thrifty, and how this is reflected in some of the jokes about them. It could also talk about how Dutch humor is often dry and self-deprecating.
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Funniest Dutch Short Jokes
Short dutch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dutch humour may include short danish jokes also.
- What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common? They both slowly remove clogs.
I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold ! - What's the difference between a straw and a Dutch comedian? One is a hollow cylinder, the other is a silly Hollander.
I'll see myself out. - Two Dutch girls Two Dutch girls are riding their bicycles home from school one day. The first one says "I've never come this way before." And the other says "it's the cobblestones. "
- This morning for breakfast, I made a Belgian waffle. For lunch, I'm planning to make a Dutch person uncomfortable.
- What's the difference between a funny Dutch man and a tube? one is a hollow cylinder while the other is a silly hollander.
- A Brit, a Spaniard and a Dutch walk into a bar.. .. unfortunately the Icelander couldn't come, he's still in the European Championship.
- There are two things I hate in this world... People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
- It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds. An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf. and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle
- I was planning on splitting the dinner bill with my girlfriend But she told me she wouldn't go Dutch and Greek on the same night
- In Minecraft, there are the Overworld Lands, the End Lands, and the... Nether Lands.
Now I know why I can't play Minecraft in my Dutch class.
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Dutch One Liners
Which dutch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dutch? I can suggest the ones about french and swede.
- Why are Dutch people so tall? Shorter ones drowned in floods.
- What is the favourite city of dutch rodents? Hamsterdam.
- Why is the Dutch fly exhausted? Because it netherlands.
- How long does it take the Dutch to make eggs Benedict? It takes Holland days!
- I would hate to have to wear dutch clogs, wooden shoe?
- An american, a dutch and an italian walk into a bar... ... and dont watch the World cup.
- What do you call a pregnant woman from the Netherlands? A Dutch oven!
- When Van Gogh and Rembrandt go to lunch, who pays? They go Dutch
- What is brown and sits in a toilet in a dutch attic? The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
- What was the last cooking implement used by Anne Frank? A Dutch Oven
- What did the Dutch horse say when he bumped into someone? Paarden me
- The Dutch ate their prime minister in 1672 They had a good taste in politics
- Why are the Dutch so tall? So they can keep their heads above sea level
- My nose was clogged the other day. A dutch woman kicked me right in the face.
- where do the dutch rodents hang out in the hamster dam
Dutch People Jokes
Here is a list of funny dutch people jokes and even better dutch people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There are two types of people I hate in this world... People intolerant of other people's culture....
and the Dutch.
Credit to Nigel Powers - Why do Dutch people have big noses? Because air is free.
### Bonus joke:
* How was copper wire invented?
Two Dutchmen found a penny at the same time. - What do Dutch people need to kiss? tulips
- Why did the dutch barber open a bank? So people could open a shaving account!
- What do Dutch people have on their face? Tulips
- Why are Dutch people so tall? Cuz You know... djs jump a lot.
- There are two types of people I cannot stand Those who are intolerant of other cultures/ people groups... and the Dutch.
- The most enlightened people on the planet are the Dutch. Why?
Dutch Oven Jokes
Here is a list of funny dutch oven jokes and even better dutch oven puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's more fun than a Canadian Microwave? A Dutch Oven.
- What comes standard with every Dutch house? A Dutch oven
- PSA: European appliances may be hazardous to your health. My friend said he gave his wife a Dutch oven and it made her sick.
- I would never eat anything from the Netherlands Everything is cooked in a dutch oven.
- Why are the Dutch such great bakers? They know their way around an oven...
- (prepare to be offended) Why did the jew stink? He was put in the dutch oven
- If f**... under the covers is a Dutch oven... is doing it in the shower a German oven?
- f**... under the covers is no longer called a Dutch oven... It's a free Covid test. If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.
- f**... under the bed sheets is no longer called a dutch oven. It's now called a covid test. If you can smell it you don't have covid.
- My wife hate pioneers... She says they were the only ones s**... enough to invent covered wagons and Dutch ovens.
Going Dutch Jokes
Here is a list of funny going dutch jokes and even better going dutch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the Dutch painter that swapped a Hemi into his Chrysler Voyager? Everyone in town said, "Look at Vincent's van go!"
- Where do Dutch sheep go at night? TO SHLEEP! :D
- What excuse did the unemployed cellist give for going dutch with his date? He's flat Baroque...
Dutch Clog Jokes
Here is a list of funny dutch clog jokes and even better dutch clog puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- After using the bathroom, I accidentally dropped one of my Dutch shoes in the water…. Now there's a clog in the toilet.
- An eccentric dutch inventor whom invented inflatable shoes has died. A member of the family said it was only a matter of time until he popped his clogs.
- Dutch girl I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
- What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common? They both slowly remove clogs.
- I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes the other day. I phoned her up for a date but she had popped her clogs.
- I was dating a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes I've just found out she's popped her clogs...
- toilet issues why did the dutch man have to get off the toilet?
because it was all clogged up!
Charming Humor Dutch Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about dutch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean east german jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dutch pranks.
Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke
* A dog walks into a bakery
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Dog: Woof!
* Baker: Anything else?
* Dog: Bark!
* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?
* Dog: No.
help me figure out this riddle!
a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?
this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words
Did you hear the joke about the Dutch speaking farmer?
Nevermind. It doesn't transplant well.
A slightly translated Dutch joke
This is a Dutch joke where the dialog is spoken in English:
A Dutchman and an Englishman are sitting next to each other on an airplane. They start to make small talk and the Englishman asks the Dutchman what he does for a living.
The Dutchman proudly says "I f**... horses!" (f**... == breed)
Shocked, the Englishman exclaims "Pardon?!?"
The Dutchman smiles and replies, "Yes! Paarden!" (Paarden == horses)
Penny Pinching Dutchmen
Was joking with my neighbor about the Dutch being cheap. Told him the two Dutchmen fighting over a penny joke. He came back with this:
What's the difference between the US and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.
A tourist is cycling in the Dutch countryside...
...when a passing car slows down beside him. The driver rolls down the window and asks You're awfully fast – are you heading to Sexbierum?
The cyclist replies Just the beer and the r**.... I'm married.
So me and my p**... friends have a weekly gathering...
Every week one of us brings a talent down the pub to show the others - this time it was my turn.
I brought along my guitar and after some Dutch courage I began to play.
Within a few seconds of starting the guys started cheering me on, one of them was even weeping, saying how amazing the song was.
I had no idea what the big deal was, I was just f**... A minor.
Why did the little Dutch boy get kicked out of the gay bar?
He kept putting his finger in the dikes.
Another Dutch joke about the Belgiums
Two Belgians are walking in the desert with a car door. One of them complains that its too hot. The other one says: "just roll down the window."
Why did the little Dutch boy have to register as a s**... offender?
He kept on sticking his finger in a tyke.
A Dutch guy, a Belgian guy and a Greek guy are sitting in a room
The Dutch guy had a joke, but wanted money for it. The Greek guy couldn't pay it and the Belgian guy didn't get it.
Why can't the dutch fly?
Because they netherland.
I was telling my friend about my ex-girlfriend.
"She was Dutch" I told him.
"Oh, like wooden shoe?"
"No, more like wouldn't listen."
What is globalization?
Question : What is globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death
Question : How come?
Answer :
An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottish whiskey, followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese motorcycles, treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a
Canadian, using
Bill Gates' technology which he got from the
Japanese.
And you are probably reading this on
one of the IBM clones that use
Philippine-made chips, and
Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi
workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries
driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally
sold to you by a Chinese!
What is the difference between a Muslim and Dutch?
As a Muslim you get s**... for being gay, but both are legal for a Dutch.
A News Anchor is in an Islamic country interviewing the civilians.
The news anchor asks a woman:"Are you being oppressed?"
The woman stutters:"I...I have to ask my husband."
Source/Inspiration: Dutch comedian Hans Teeuwen
A Dutch and a Belgian are sitting in a bar, watching the evening news.
They see a woman ready to jump from the 6th floor, shouting "I'm going to jump, I'm going to jump!". The Dutch says: "I bet she's gonna jump." The Belgian replies: "And I bet she won't." So they bet, and the woman jumps. Then the Dutch tells the Belgian: "I have to confess that I cheated, as I already saw it on the 1pm news." - "Me too", says the Belgian, "I saw it on the 1pm news already. But I did not think that she would be s**... enough to jump twice."
A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island
A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.
When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.
The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: " SUPPLIES ".
How do you say "v**..." in Dutch?
Goodentight
The entire Dutch air force was disabled this week.
The pilot was sick.
If someone from Poland is called a Pole, what's someone from Holland called?
Dutch.
Why will Belgium go to war?
*This is a joke my dutch grandfather told me, the dutch make fun of Belgians*
Why will Belgium go to war with the Netherlands in 50 years?
Because that's when they understand the Belgian jokes they make about them.
Why will Belgium go to war with France in 50 years?
They can't find the Netherlands.
Hear about the famous chain-smoking Dutch painter?
Vincent Van Cough
What is yellow, and if it comes into your eye you are dead?
A Dutch train
What did the Dutch cheesemaker say to the American cheesemaker?
"Gouda you do?"
"I'm Gouda, and you?"
What do Dutch sheep do at night?
Schleep
Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:
1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.
Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.
For a Dutch vegetarian..
Meat is the worst
An older female friend just got back from a trip home to the Netherlands, and all she brought me was this nap sack.
What a Dutch bag.
How was the Dutch dairy farmer caught up in a brawl?
He was gouda'd into it.
Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home.
After a while they are in an area that the other girl doesn't recognize and she has no idea where they are or which direction home is. As it is getting towards dusk she becomes nervous and a bit agitated, she says to her friend, "I've never come this way before." And her friend turns to her, smiling, and says, "I know, it's the cobblestones."
Two nuns are in front of an abandoned coalmine.
(its better in dutch but it translates)
Two nuns are walking in front of an old (abandoned) coal mine.
One nun says to the other nun: mine's smelly today.
Says the other nun: mine too.
Never believe anything a Dutchman tells you
It is all tall tales.
What do Dutch farmers feed their sheep?
Holland oats
a dutch lesbian i know is constantly telling me how wet her girlfriend makes her
personally i'm confused, i thought they got all those dikes to prevent exactly that problem
It's funny how dogs in different coumtries make different sounds...
In America, a dog goes "woof", a Czech dog goes "Haf", a Dutch dog goes "Blaf" and a Chinese goes sizzle.
Whats the difference between a dutch p**... and a pizza?
You can remove the f**... from the pizza if you want to.
Why do the Dutch never give advice?
They don't want to give away their two cents
How do speakers of Dutch, English, French and Danish communicate with each other?
They speak Mumble-Saxon.
How many Dutchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Usually one, tulips are not planted that deeply in the ground.
Here my attempt to translate a Dutch joke in English
2 blond girls meet up. The first girl asks the other: "which is further away, the moon or Australia?" The other things about this long and hard and comes back with her answer after an hour: "the moon is closer, definitely the moon." "How come?" asks the first girl. "Well," says the other "we can see the moon every night, do you ever see Australia?"
A Dutch speaker and a German speakerwalk into a bar
They get extremely drunk and then two Dutch speakers walk out
A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don't know if it translates well
A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:
What is this queue for?
Just for fun says the women.
But what if I don't want to stand in the queue? The Brit asks.
To which the woman replies that's what the other queue is for
My neighbor visited my house the other day
He said: Isn't your house the same as mine? How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room when you moved in?
12 I said.
A few days later he came back, pretty p**.... "I just finished, and I have 7 rolls of wallpaper left!"
Yeah, so did I.
\*Heard in Dutch and translated.
Because it's my Cake Day, I'll tell you a cake joke my little brother (10) told me
It's a Dutch joke but I'll try to explain
So I had made a cake recently, and it just stood there on the table. So my little brother comes up to me and says; 'Kijk daar!' (Look over there) while pointing at the cake. So when I looked at it he says; 'haha je keek' (haha you looked)
Keek = looked but it is pronounced as cake
The Dutch should be grateful for l**...
Without d**... half of their country would be underwater
Walking past a pet shop, a sign said; 'Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.'
I didn't believe they were from the Netherlands so I went into the shop and asked the assistant... 'How Dutch is that moggie in the window?'.
Standing in Schiphol airport, I overheard the two women next to me. One was trying to remember the name of the Dutch company that builds jet planes. I knew the answer and thought....
Fokker.
