The Best 80 Dutch Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Dutch jokes. There are some dutch romanian jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these dutch idioms puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Dutch Jokes and Puns

I was planning on splitting the dinner bill with my girlfriend

But she told me she wouldn't go Dutch and Greek on the same night

When Van Gogh and Rembrandt go to lunch, who pays?

They go Dutch

There are two things I hate in this world...

People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.

Dutch joke, There are two things I hate in this world...

What is brown and sits in a toilet in a dutch attic?

The diarrhea of Anne Frank.

There are two types of people I hate in this world...

People intolerant of other people's culture....

and the Dutch.

Credit to Nigel Powers


Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke

* A dog walks into a bakery
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Dog: Woof!
* Baker: Anything else?
* Dog: Bark!
* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?
* Dog: No.

help me figure out this riddle!

a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?

this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words

Dutch joke, help me figure out this riddle!

A slightly translated Dutch joke

This is a Dutch joke where the dialog is spoken in English:

A Dutchman and an Englishman are sitting next to each other on an airplane. They start to make small talk and the Englishman asks the Dutchman what he does for a living.

The Dutchman proudly says "I fok horses!" (Fok == breed)

Shocked, the Englishman exclaims "Pardon?!?"

The Dutchman smiles and replies, "Yes! Paarden!" (Paarden == horses)

Penny Pinching Dutchmen

Was joking with my neighbor about the Dutch being cheap. Told him the two Dutchmen fighting over a penny joke. He came back with this:

What's the difference between the US and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

A tourist is cycling in the Dutch countryside...

...when a passing car slows down beside him. The driver rolls down the window and asks You're awfully fast – are you heading to Sexbierum?
The cyclist replies Just the beer and the rum. I'm married.

What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

You can explore dutch belgian reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean dutch bulgarian dad jokes. There are also dutch puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


So me and my paedophile friends have a weekly gathering...

Every week one of us brings a talent down the pub to show the others - this time it was my turn.
I brought along my guitar and after some Dutch courage I began to play.
Within a few seconds of starting the guys started cheering me on, one of them was even weeping, saying how amazing the song was.
I had no idea what the big deal was, I was just fingering A minor.

Why did the little Dutch boy get kicked out of the gay bar?

He kept putting his finger in the dikes.

If farting under the covers is a Dutch oven...

is doing it in the shower a German oven?

Another Dutch joke about the Belgiums

Two Belgians are walking in the desert with a car door. One of them complains that its too hot. The other one says: "just roll down the window."

Why did the little Dutch boy have to register as a sex offender?

He kept on sticking his finger in a tyke.

Dutch joke, Why did the little Dutch boy have to register as a sex offender?

Why don't the dutch have a space program?

Their spaceships Netherland.

A Dutch guy, a Belgian guy and a Greek guy are sitting in a room

The Dutch guy had a joke, but wanted money for it. The Greek guy couldn't pay it and the Belgian guy didn't get it.

My nose was clogged the other day.

A dutch woman kicked me right in the face.


Why can't the dutch fly?

Because they netherland.

I was telling my friend about my ex-girlfriend.

"She was Dutch" I told him.

"Oh, like wooden shoe?"

"No, more like wouldn't listen."

What is the difference between a Muslim and Dutch?

As a Muslim you get stoned for being gay, but both are legal for a Dutch.

A News Anchor is in an Islamic country interviewing the civilians.

The news anchor asks a woman:"Are you being oppressed?"
The woman stutters:"I...I have to ask my husband."

Source/Inspiration: Dutch comedian Hans Teeuwen

A Dutch and a Belgian are sitting in a bar, watching the evening news.

They see a woman ready to jump from the 6th floor, shouting "I'm going to jump, I'm going to jump!". The Dutch says: "I bet she's gonna jump." The Belgian replies: "And I bet she won't." So they bet, and the woman jumps. Then the Dutch tells the Belgian: "I have to confess that I cheated, as I already saw it on the 1pm news." - "Me too", says the Belgian, "I saw it on the 1pm news already. But I did not think that she would be stupid enough to jump twice."

A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.

The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: " SUPPLIES ".

Dutch girl

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

How do you say "virgin" in Dutch?

Goodentight

A Brit, a Spaniard and a Dutch walk into a bar..

.. unfortunately the Icelander couldn't come, he's still in the European Championship.

The entire Dutch air force was disabled this week.

The pilot was sick.

Where do Dutch sheep go at night?

TO SHLEEP! :D

If someone from Poland is called a Pole, what's someone from Holland called?

Dutch.

Why will Belgium go to war?

*This is a joke my dutch grandfather told me, the dutch make fun of Belgians*

Why will Belgium go to war with the Netherlands in 50 years?

Because that's when they understand the Belgian jokes they make about them.

Why will Belgium go to war with France in 50 years?

They can't find the Netherlands.

Hear about the famous chain-smoking Dutch painter?

Vincent Van Cough

Why are Dutch people so tall?

Shorter ones drowned in floods.

What is yellow, and if it comes into your eye you are dead?

A Dutch train

Why do Dutch people have big noses?

Because air is free.

### Bonus joke:

* How was copper wire invented?

Two Dutchmen found a penny at the same time.

I would hate to have to wear dutch clogs,

wooden shoe?

What did the Dutch cheesemaker say to the American cheesemaker?

"Gouda you do?"

"I'm Gouda, and you?"

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds. An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf.

and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle

What do you call a flatulent group of witches?

...

A Dutch Coven

What do Dutch sheep do at night?

Schleep

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

For a Dutch vegetarian..

Meat is the worst

What's the difference between a funny Dutch man and a tube?

one is a hollow cylinder while the other is a silly hollander.

In Minecraft, there are the Overworld Lands, the End Lands, and the...

Nether Lands.

Now I know why I can't play Minecraft in my Dutch class.

An older female friend just got back from a trip home to the Netherlands, and all she brought me was this nap sack.

What a Dutch bag.

How was the Dutch dairy farmer caught up in a brawl?

He was gouda'd into it.

An american, a dutch and an italian walk into a bar...

... and dont watch the World cup.

Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home.

After a while they are in an area that the other girl doesn't recognize and she has no idea where they are or which direction home is. As it is getting towards dusk she becomes nervous and a bit agitated, she says to her friend, "I've never come this way before." And her friend turns to her, smiling, and says, "I know, it's the cobblestones."

What's more fun than a Canadian Microwave?

A Dutch Oven.

What's the difference between a straw and a Dutch comedian?

One is a hollow cylinder, the other is a silly Hollander.
I'll see myself out.

Two nuns are in front of an abandoned coalmine.

(its better in dutch but it translates)

Two nuns are walking in front of an old (abandoned) coal mine.
One nun says to the other nun: mine's smelly today.
Says the other nun: mine too.

Never believe anything a Dutchman tells you

It is all tall tales.

Why are the Dutch so tall?

So they can keep their heads above sea level

What was the last cooking implement used by Anne Frank?

A Dutch Oven

a dutch lesbian i know is constantly telling me how wet her girlfriend makes her

personally i'm confused, i thought they got all those dikes to prevent exactly that problem

It's funny how dogs in different coumtries make different sounds...

In America, a dog goes "woof", a Czech dog goes "Haf", a Dutch dog goes "Blaf" and a Chinese goes sizzle.

Whats the difference between a dutch prostitute and a pizza?

You can remove the fungus from the pizza if you want to.

Why do the Dutch never give advice?

They don't want to give away their two cents

What comes standard with every Dutch house?

A Dutch oven

How do speakers of Dutch, English, French and Danish communicate with each other?

They speak Mumble-Saxon.

How many Dutchmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Usually one, tulips are not planted that deeply in the ground.

What do Dutch people need to kiss?

tulips

An eccentric dutch inventor whom invented inflatable shoes has died.

A member of the family said it was only a matter of time until he popped his clogs.

What is the favourite city of dutch rodents?

Hamsterdam.

where do the dutch rodents hang out

in the hamster dam

Here my attempt to translate a Dutch joke in English

2 blond girls meet up. The first girl asks the other: "which is further away, the moon or Australia?" The other things about this long and hard and comes back with her answer after an hour: "the moon is closer, definitely the moon." "How come?" asks the first girl. "Well," says the other "we can see the moon every night, do you ever see Australia?"

A Dutch speaker and a German speakerwalk into a bar

They get extremely drunk and then two Dutch speakers walk out

A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don't know if it translates well

A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:

What is this queue for?

Just for fun says the women.

But what if I don't want to stand in the queue? The Brit asks.

To which the woman replies that's what the other queue is for

Why is the Dutch fly exhausted?

Because it Netherlands.

Farting under the bed sheets is no longer called a dutch oven.

It's now called a covid test. If you can smell it you don't have covid.

My neighbor visited my house the other day

He said: Isn't your house the same as mine? How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room when you moved in?

12 I said.

A few days later he came back, pretty pissed. "I just finished, and I have 7 rolls of wallpaper left!"

Yeah, so did I.

\*Heard in Dutch and translated.

Because it's my Cake Day, I'll tell you a cake joke my little brother (10) told me

It's a Dutch joke but I'll try to explain

So I had made a cake recently, and it just stood there on the table. So my little brother comes up to me and says; 'Kijk daar!' (Look over there) while pointing at the cake. So when I looked at it he says; 'haha je keek' (haha you looked)



Keek = looked but it is pronounced as cake

Did you hear about the Dutch painter that swapped a Hemi into his Chrysler Voyager?

Everyone in town said, "Look at Vincent's van go!"

Farting under the covers is no longer called a Dutch oven...

It's a free Covid test. If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.

The Dutch should be grateful for lesbians

Without Dykes half of their country would be underwater

Walking past a pet shop, a sign said; 'Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.'

I didn't believe they were from the Netherlands so I went into the shop and asked the assistant... 'How Dutch is that moggie in the window?'.

What do you call a pregnant woman from the Netherlands?

A Dutch oven!

Two Dutch girls

Two Dutch girls are riding their bicycles home from school one day. The first one says "I've never come this way before." And the other says "it's the cobblestones. "

Standing in Schiphol airport, I overheard the two women next to me. One was trying to remember the name of the Dutch company that builds jet planes. I knew the answer and thought....

Fokker.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the dutch sociopathic jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working dutch spaniard piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes