Due Jokes

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?

The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"


After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation

Now it looks like the French landed on the moon

A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar.

- comedy removed due to complaints -

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear customer,

We are discontinuing your internet service due to suspicious activity/illegal downloading on your network.

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

I'm never going bungee jumping.

I came into this world due to broken rubber, I'll be damned if I leave because of it.

**

My Chinese son was born before his due date

We called him Sudden Lee

What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Customer,



Your internet service has been terminated due to copyright infringement.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking...

and then I saw her face...

My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.Β 

Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him Sudden Lee.

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...

He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

A mathematician is afraid of flying

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."

Nervous about watching new Game of Thrones with my parents, due to all the sex.

Hopefully if I turn the volume up loud I won't hear them.

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

A man died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle

He had serious selfie steam issues.

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

I used to date my english teacher

but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

I got pulled over in the carpool lane.

Cop: Where's your passenger?

Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me.

During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.

The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.

The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.

As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!

The priest says Do we have time?

Due to the recession and to save on energy costs,

the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

Got my wife with the greatest dadjoke yet

She was talking about something and I got the rare chance to interrupt her by saying "Hi leaving and taking the kids due to these stupid jokes, I'm dad!"

What's a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet service has been disconnected due to terms of service violations and excessive downloading. Please return modem and accessories to your nearest Comcast location.

Sincerely,

Comcast

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.

He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.

When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".

The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".

TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt

Today would've been my mother's 50th birthday... But due to drug use and bad choices

We all forgot about it

Did you know that there's a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?

This is due the antelopes unnaturally strong hind legs, and he fact that the average house can't jump

My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really.

She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.

Mod Announcement: Due to complaints from our fair-haired readers, blonde jokes are no longer allowed...

...because they couldn't read them.

A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin

One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.

"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."

Probably already been said, but it made me chuckle when I thought of it.

A man has been found dead in central London this evening, reports confirm the man died due to being stabbed with a triangular knife.

Police are calling it an isoscelated incident.

Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts.

Been thinking about this all night.

Romney was asked about the Chinese going to the moon...

He responded that when they are up there, they will be able to see the flag we planted over 40 years ago. This is a pretty clever comeback. But the last laugh is on us. The US flags are now all beached white due to the unprotected exposure to the sun's UV radiation. This means the Chinese will think the French made it first.

Guy gets on a city bus...

and sits down next to a really hot girl. The bus bumps and her glass eyes falls out of its socket and the guy catches it. To repay him for catching her eye and due to the awkwardness she invites him to dinner and a movie and after that they went back to the guys house and had great sex! In the morning the guy looks at the girl and asks: "Do you usually hang out and have sex with random strangers"? She replies: "No, You just happened to catch my eye"!

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?

The Indian says Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around two miles per hour .

Wow! Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?

Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago .

Breaking News: NFL responds to lost revenue from kneeling controversy

Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string...

TIL that during WWII 3 U.S. submarines sank due to friendly fire.

Whoops, wrong sub.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Subscriber,

We are cutting off your Internet service due to illegal downloading.

I missed class due to hypothermia...

I was too cool for school

The Mystery of Childbirth

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony Weiner's house.

If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been screwed by a Weiner in years.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.

"No, he responds. That line was even longer."

Some say Trump is mentally unfit after declaring a national emergency?

However, it's all due to Hispanic attacks.

Two robots had sex due to a bug in their programming and soon thereafter a baby robot was born.

He was a son of a glitch.

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

Due to the non existent atmosphere on the moon, the american flag is by now completely white.

Great, now everyone thinks the French were the first...

The Drums Must Not Stop

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.

That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
"Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.

That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief.
"Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get any rest with them!"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"

The chief replied, "Bass solo."

Due to the pandemic, I had to drop out of my marksmanship class.

I'm going to miss everyone.

An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...

After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.

Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!

A boy asks a girl to the prom and she says yes.

He goes to organise a limo at the rental limo place and due to everyone else wanting a limo for the prom he has to wait in line for ages to get one.

He then goes to the flower store to buy her some flowers but again everyone is there buying flowers and he's stuck in line for seems like hours.

After flowers he goes to get his tuxedo at the store and the line is huge again with everyone else getting their tux's too.

He finally makes it to the prom with his date, they arrive and he asks if she wants to go onto the dance floor. She says "I'm a little thirsty, can I get some punch first?" He says "ok" and goes up to get some punch and there is no punchline.

There are six American flags on the Moon.

Five of them are still standing. Due to the strong UV radiation, they are all completely white by now.

So it looks like the French landed there.

The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence..

Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough

My wife has packed her things and left me...

My wife has packed her things and left me due to my obsession with glass objects.

Frankly, I'm shattered.

Just another blonde sex joke...

A blonde, brunette and redhead are sat in their local clinic, waiting to see the midwife, excitedly talking about the babies they are due to have.
"I haven't checked, but I think mine will be a boy." Says the redhead. "I was on top."
"In that case" starts the brunette, "I must be having a girl, because he went on top."
The blonde suddenly starts crying, hysterically, and it takes her new friends a good five minutes to calm her down. Between sobs she mutters "I think I'm having puppies..."

An old hillibilly with three daughters

An old had three pretty teenage daughters of whom he was very protective. He used to sit on the front porch, shotgun in hand, and run his eye over any potential suitors. If he didn't like the look of them, he'd send them on their way.
One night, all three girls were due to go out on dates. The first's boyfriend drove up and announced: "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The old man decided that the boy sounded OK and he gave his blessing for the date.
Ten minutes later, amother car pulled up. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The old man thought the boy was decent enough, so he gave him permission for the date.
Ten minutes later, a third car arrived. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Chuck..." And the old man shot him.

Did you hear NASCAR and Formula One we're trying to make an Ultimate Showdown race but it got cancelled due to controversy?

Apparently NASCAR fans didn't want to mix the races....

Wife comes home late at night.

Susan had been away on business all week, but was able to come home a day early due to catching a red-eye flight. When she gets in, she tiptoes up to the bedroom, being as quiet as possible to not wake her husband.

Then, she notices something odd. Where there should only be one set of legs, there are two. She flings open the closet and grabs the bat. After several good thwacks she drops the bat and runs downstairs, aghast at what she may have done.

Once she makes it to the kitchen, she spots her husband. "Hey honey. You're home early. Hope you don't mind, but my parents' heater went out and I gave them our bed for the night."

A dystopian future

Mr. and Mrs. Thyme are two people living in a dystopian future where babies are assigned a random combination of letters and numbers for a name, such as DL-6 or UR-1. However, due to a large amount of protesters, the law has been changed so that parents can choose their own name if they run to the city hall to change the name in 30 minutes after the baby is born.

Mrs. Thyme was pregnant, and her water had broken that morning. However Mr. Thyme had to work for the day, and he had an important meeting that he couldn't miss. He arrived at the hospital 15 minutes after the birth, and Mrs. Thyme said "Hello, dear! Isn't our baby precious?" Mr. Thyme nodded in approval. He suddenly remembered the law, and exclaimed "I have to go to the city hall!" and ran off.

20 minutes later, Mr. Thyme came back. "Did you name our son?" Mrs. Thyme asked. "Yes," Mr. Thyme responded, "Justin Thyme."

A woman is stung by a bee on a golf course

She goes into anaphylactic shock due to an allergy and they take her to a doctor.

"Where was she stung?", asked the doctor.

"Between the first and second hole.",

"Well she may need to work on her stance."

Did you know cats can jump higher than a house?

This is largely due to the cats powerful hind legs and the fact houses cant jump.

My girlfriend dressed up as a cop, and told me she would arrest me for being great in bed.

Unfortunately, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

My church was going to have a sermon on prophecy today...

but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?

So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.

So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.

"I am going to my study. I'm taking my boots off, having a cup of hot cider, and am going to read a good book. I want. to. finish. my. book."

About 5 minutes later, he hears a knock on the the door to his study. In a fury, he slams down his book, stomps over to the door, flings it open, and says "And just what do YOU want?"

An angel is standing there with a pine tree. "Where would you like me to put the christmas tree?"

Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I had the oddest dream. I had a dream that I was being given a handjob."

The man on the right says "Yeah. Me, too."

The man in the center says "Hmm, that's weird. I dreamed I was skiing."

Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report

Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'

A kid works up the nerve to ask his crush to prom...

And first he must buy the tickets. So he heads to the ticket line and waits for about a half hour until he reaches the front and finally buys two tickets for him and his date.

Then he has to buy a tuxedo, so he heads over to the tux shop but due to prom season, it is overflowing with customers all waiting to get their prom tuxes. So he waits in line for about an hour until finally he can get fitted. He buys a green vest to match his date's dress.

Then he and his date decide they want to take a limo to prom, so he heads over to the limousine rental place and stands in line for an hour and a half waiting to order a limo. When he finally gets to the front, he orders a long white limo for 8 people.

The big day finally arrives and the kid and his date and their six friends all pull up to the dining hall in their white limo but because they've arrived a little late, they have to wait in line for about 25 minutes before they can get in.

Once in the dining hall, the kid and his date head to the dinner buffet and stand behind dozens of hungry students waiting to get their food. After a 35 minute line, they finally sit down with their food when the kid's date realizes she forgot to grab a beverage.

He heads over to the punch bowl to get her some juice and is surprised to see there's no punch line.

Apple have officially rebranded with the name APPLE

Due to their obsession with capitalising.

Gf tells me "to make love like to me like they do in the movies"..

Long story short..Im due in court soon. Guess we don't watch the same kind of movies.

Due to all the scandals, the Trump administration has decided to stop using emails.

They'll use alternative fax.

A couple decides to go on vacation.

A couple from London decides to go on a vacation together to Spain.
Due to a sudden change in the wife's work schedule the husband decides to fly first and the wife will join him a couple of days later.
As the husband arrives weather is great and he feels kind of bad for his wife still working at home so he immediately decides to send her a letter.

Unfortunately the letter by mistake gets sent to the grieving widow next door.
Being old and still in shock after just having lost her husband she opens up the envelope without looking at the address.

The letter read as following:
"Hi Honey! Just got down here and boy is it freaking hot.
Looking forward to seeing you when you arrive in a few days"

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician are walking down a hallway...

when they notice with alarm that a fire has broken out in a nearby lab.

The physicist immediately shouts "I know what to do! We must cool down the mateΒ­riΒ­als until their temΒ­perΒ­aΒ­ture is lower than the igniΒ­tion temΒ­perΒ­aΒ­ture and then the fire will go out."

The chemist then cries "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supΒ­ply of oxyΒ­gen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

The statistician looks around, thinks for a minute, then sets the rest of the building on fire.

The physicist and the chemist look on in horror and yell, "what are you doing?!"

The statistician replies "getting a bigger sample size".

TIL that a baby can recognize its mother's heartbeat due to how much time they spent inside their mom

I can also recognize your mom's heartbeat.

At the doctors office

I went to the doctors office due to a strange abdominal pain. My doctor adviced me to stop masturbating. "Is it dangerous?" I asked. "No", said the doctor " but it disturbs my concentration".

Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...

This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.

He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.

All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A manager has two great employees...

A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds later, Jill storms out of there and slams the door behind her.

Jack walks in and says "I guess you decided to let her go?"

Boss man has a bewildered look on his face and says "I never even got the chance to! All I said was 'I'm trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off.'"

We have collected gags that can be used as Due pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Due, here are one liners and funny Due pick up lines.

Joko Jokes