due Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious due stories

What are the best Due puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Due? Well here is a complete list of Due dad jokes:

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed...

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

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I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine

But I need a line to end it.
-Matt Melvin
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My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking...

and then I saw her face...

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My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.Β 

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An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...

He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

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To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

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Just another blonde sex joke...

A blonde, brunette and redhead are sat in their local clinic, waiting to see the midwife, excitedly talking about the babies they are due to have.
"I haven't checked, but I think mine will be a boy." Says the redhead. "I was on top."
"In that case" starts the brunette, "I must be having a girl, because he went on top."
The blonde suddenly starts crying, hysterically, and it takes her new friends a good five minutes to calm her down. Between sobs she mutters "I think I'm having puppies..."

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Mod Announcement: Due to complaints from our fair-haired readers, blonde jokes are no longer allowed...

...because they couldn't read them.

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The best joke I've ever heard from a teacher

The final paper is due for a large class at Harvard, worth 50% of the grade. The professor has made it very clear that the paper must be turned in by 2 P.M. on the dot. He stands at his office door as 2 PM approaches, collecting papers from the last few stragglers. As the clock strikes 2, he turns to go back into his office, when a student runs up to him, paper in hand.

"Professor, professor!" The student says. "I'm so sorry. Please, I'm only a few seconds late, will you make an exception just this once?"

"Sorry," says the professor. "I was very clear about the deadline for this assignment."

The student gets angry. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"

"No..." says the professor.

"Good!" the student says, and shoves his work into the stack of papers and runs off.

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A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin

One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.

"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."

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Probably already been said, but it made me chuckle when I thought of it.

A man has been found dead in central London this evening, reports confirm the man died due to being stabbed with a triangular knife.

Police are calling it an isoscelated incident.

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Romney was asked about the Chinese going to the moon...

He responded that when they are up there, they will be able to see the flag we planted over 40 years ago. This is a pretty clever comeback. But the last laugh is on us. The US flags are now all beached white due to the unprotected exposure to the sun's UV radiation. This means the Chinese will think the French made it first.

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A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician are walking down a hallway...

when they notice with alarm that a fire has broken out in a nearby lab.

The physicist immediately shouts "I know what to do! We must cool down the mateΒ­riΒ­als until their temΒ­perΒ­aΒ­ture is lower than the igniΒ­tion temΒ­perΒ­aΒ­ture and then the fire will go out."

The chemist then cries "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supΒ­ply of oxyΒ­gen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

The statistician looks around, thinks for a minute, then sets the rest of the building on fire.

The physicist and the chemist look on in horror and yell, "what are you doing?!"

The statistician replies "getting a bigger sample size".

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A Texan and a West Virginian are on death row…

And both are due to be executed the same night. The Texan is due to be executed first, via electric chair.

"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"

"I apologize to the victim's family."

The executioner pulls the switch. Nothing happens. He does it again. Nothing. On the final attempt he pulls with all his might…still nothing.

"Well, you're free now, sir." After undoing the straps, the Texan skips away happily. Now it is the West Virginian's turn.

"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"

"You all know that the wall socket there is unplugged, right?"

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A pregnant woman is in labor

A pregnant woman goes into labor and is rushed into the hospital. While giving birth, she passes out due to the pain. When she wakes up the doctor tells her congrats on her twins. But since she was out cold and they needed to put names on the birth certificates, they had her brother name them.

At this news, the woman is visibly upset. Nooo, she says; my brother is retarded. You can't let him name them.
Tough luck says the doctor. Its already done. Heres your daughter, Denise.

O that's actually a pretty good name says the woman.

And here's your son, denephew.

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The Mystery of Childbirth

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

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A dystopian future

Mr. and Mrs. Thyme are two people living in a dystopian future where babies are assigned a random combination of letters and numbers for a name, such as DL-6 or UR-1. However, due to a large amount of protesters, the law has been changed so that parents can choose their own name if they run to the city hall to change the name in 30 minutes after the baby is born.

Mrs. Thyme was pregnant, and her water had broken that morning. However Mr. Thyme had to work for the day, and he had an important meeting that he couldn't miss. He arrived at the hospital 15 minutes after the birth, and Mrs. Thyme said "Hello, dear! Isn't our baby precious?" Mr. Thyme nodded in approval. He suddenly remembered the law, and exclaimed "I have to go to the city hall!" and ran off.

20 minutes later, Mr. Thyme came back. "Did you name our son?" Mrs. Thyme asked. "Yes," Mr. Thyme responded, "Justin Thyme."

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An old guy was supposed to submit samples for his sperm count...

...but returned the jar empty. When asked why, he said: "I tried one hand, then two, then I asked my maid to help. She used her hands, her mouth, even her thighs, but nothing! I even asked the gardener. Even the neighbor! Even the neighbor's gardener! But no one could open the damn jar!"

(Found this in a book. Credit to wherever it's due)

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My church was going to have a sermon on prophecy today...

but it was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

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A patient was admitted due to 5 toy horses lodged up his rectum.

He was reported to be in stable condition.

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How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?

So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.

So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.

"I am going to my study. I'm taking my boots off, having a cup of hot cider, and am going to read a good book. I want. to. finish. my. book."

About 5 minutes later, he hears a knock on the the door to his study. In a fury, he slams down his book, stomps over to the door, flings it open, and says "And just what do YOU want?"

An angel is standing there with a pine tree. "Where would you like me to put the christmas tree?"

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Deep voice

A guy walks into a doctors office to get examined, in a really deep voice he tells the doctor "listen here doctor I cant stand stand my voice anymore it's to deep anytime i try to talk or meet anyone i just scare them off even my wife is starting to hate it." The doctor agrees to run some test and finds that the guys deep voice is due to his penis size and to get rid of it will need to cut off a few inches. The guy replies" ill do anything doc just get rid of this deep voice." The guy gets the procedure done and goes home. A week goes by and the guy goes back to the doctor saying " Doc i love my new voice i fell better than ever, but my wife really misses the extra inches down below so i have to do as she pleases and get the operation reversed. The doctor looks at him then replies in a really deep voice " Sorry sir no refunds"

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Bungee Jumping.

Just asked my Mum if I could go bungee jumping, her reply was "Son, you came into this world because of a broken rubber, you're sure as hell not going out due to another one." - Thanks Mum

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Variation of the hot air balloon joke

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign read: "IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at her map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how did the sign help determine their position. The pilot responded "Well the response they gave me was technically correct, but completely useless, so I knew that had to be the Microsoft building."

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I was fired from work at school...

So, due to a minor defect at birth, I was born with Strabismus, and up until last Friday, I was happy performing my duties as a teacher.


Unfortunately, I was fired. My boss told me he couldn't have a teacher in his school that couldn't control his pupils.

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There are 11 blondes...

hanging on the wings of an airplane. 5 on one wing, and 6 on another, and due to this, theres an imbalance and the plane will crash. So they all decided that one of the blonde has to let go, so the wings are balanced.

After a lot of discussion, one brave blonde decides that she'll sacrifice herself for the others. She lets go, and the rest of the 10 blondes start clapping, applauding her for her bravery.......

Hope you guys like it, nd sorry if its a xpost.

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With the situation in Ukraine...

Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- We will work two shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and production!
- We will work three shifts!
- Such patriotism for country! By the way what's your occupation?
- I work at morgue...

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Being in the recreation and natural resources field, I enjoy this every time I hear it

Due to the recent increase of encounters with grizzly and black bears in the area, all hikers should wear bells so you don't sneak up and startle nearby bears. Hikers should also carry pepper spray encase of an encounter. The two bears have different characteristics to their droppings and you can tell which is in the area. Black bear scat will be smaller and will have berries and squirrel fur in it. Grizzly scat will be larger, smell like pepper, and have bells in it.

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HELISOFT

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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What did the candle say when it couldn't sleep due to his own candlelight?

There ain't no rest for the wicked

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The Turtle & The Wolf

A turtle and a wolf were great friends. One day, the wolf got trapped in a cave due to an avalanche, and he couldn't get out. He cried out for his friend turtle to help him. "Go get help!" he said, and then he waited. After a long time without any sign of help coming, the wolf started getting frustrated, "How long does that slow ass turtle take to get help?".

Then he heard the turtle respond- "Keep complaining and I'll stop going."

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Here about they guy that died due to an overdose on Viagra?

His wife took it real hard.

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A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men.

This, scientists say is basically due to the fact that they change them every fucking 10 seconds or so.

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Steve goes to see his doctor

Steve goes to his doctor for a checkup after a hernia repair. The doctor says to him, "Well Steve, it looks like your operation was a success, everything is looking normal and you should be fully healed in about 6 weeks. However, due to the nature of your condition, you must not lift anything heavier than 5 lbs, due to the risk of damaging the affected area."

Steve looks blankly at him and replies, "Well how on earth am I supposed to take a piss, then?!"

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Christmas Presents

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

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A plane is having trouble mid-air and the captain says:

"I regret to inform you that due to excess weight we are going to have to let go of all the food"

Everyone complains, but down goes the food.

A minute later: "That was not enough, if we don't get rid of all the cargo, we'll all die"

There are people yelling, but the cargo goes down.

5 minutes pas by: "Well, that was no good, I am very sorry but we will have to let go of people, but just for you to see that we are **not** biased, we'll do this in alphabetical order, so the African-Americans, please"

Nobody moves.

"Ok, the Black people, please"

Nothing.

"Ok, the Coloreds, please move forward"

A black girl turns to her mom and says "Mom, I thought we were African-Americans"

"No, baby, today, we're niggers and we go *after the Mexicans*!"

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A plane is flying over the Atlantic

When suddenly the speaker comes on, it's the pilot, "A minor delay has occurred, we will be one hour late due to an engine faling, please do not panic this is a minor problem". The passengers are a litte worried but people carry on as normal. An hour later the speaker comes on again, "The flight will be delayed by two hours as our second engine has failed, do not worry this is a minor problem.". People are starting to get nervous now and talk among theirselves. Another hour later the speaker comes on yet again, " Ladies and gentlemen i'm afraid to announce we have lost our third engine and have only one remaining, this will delay us by five hours". The plane is dead silent with worry, when suddenly an Irish man at the back of the plane speaks up, "Well let's hope we don't lose another or we'll be up here all night!"

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Charles Dickens had writer's block…

He had a contract due for a new novel, but he hadn't even thought of a title yet. He went into the local pub and asked the barman for a Martini.

"Olive, or twist?"

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I have a strict no sex before marriage rule...

...imposed on me due to my stunning ugliness.

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Indefinitely

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.
But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.
Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."
"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"
Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him.
Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!

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Local police canine unit got all their leashes stolen today.

However, the case had to be closed due to the police having no leads.

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I'm Torn on the Issue of Abortion....

On one hand, I support it because it is killing babies.
On the other hand, it gives women a choice.


Credit goes where credit's due, /u/DJ-Salinger

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I can build and fix small engines using only vomit, feces and rotted animals.

Due to my gross motor skills.

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A pious woman was possessed by a demon

She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the demon. As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"

She was repossessed.

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A Mexican immigrant was asked what he does for a living.

"I am a professional boxer."
"A professional boxer?"
"Yes, yes. Everyone in my family is a professional boxer.
We box onions, linens, tomatoes..."

Giving credit where credit's due: This joke was taken from a bit done by Gabriel Iglesias on his show "Stand-Up Revolution".

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So I was brushing up on Egyptian history the other day...

and I was reading about King Tut. Apparently he suffered from IBS, which caused him to pass the most ungodly smelling gas (reminiscent of rotting animal carcasses seasoned with rotted potatoes). Due to this, it was hard to find servants willing to happily serve him, but one day, Tut's parents encountered a servant who suffered from the same condition and was used to the smell, so he was more than happy to serve the future Pharaoh. From that day forward, the Servant and Tut were always together, both excreting the foul stench from their derrieres. Most people agreed that they had a Tutankhamen.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best due jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about due. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty due gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these due jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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