Due Jokes

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it's starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.
Putin throws out a bottle of v**... and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Biden throws out an AR-15 and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Zelensky throws out Putin and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway and looks at Biden smugly as they c**... anyways due to the massive weight of Zelensky's b**....

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to i**... usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.

The s**... position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,
Due to recent i**... activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.
-Sincerely, your ISP.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear customer,
We are discontinuing your internet service due to suspicious activity/i**... downloading on your network.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."
The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.
The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"
The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no b**... Frenchman!"

I'm never going bungee jumping.

I came into this world due to broken rubber, I'll be d**... if I leave because of it.
**

Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious.

Now, we all know that Mahatma Gandhi didn't wear shoes when he walked, so he had rather large calluses on his feet. He also did not eat much, making him rather frail, and due to his diet, his breath was unpleasant, to say the least.
He was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence. 

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...

He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

A mathematician is afraid of flying

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a t**... attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.
"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.
"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.
"Then where are the other 11 kids?"
"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.

They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.
"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."

Nervous about watching new Game of Thrones with my parents, due to all the s**....

Hopefully if I turn the volume up loud I won't hear them.

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

My wife put on a s**... cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

A man died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle

He had serious selfie steam issues.

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.

The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.
The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.
As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…

I got pulled over in the carpool lane.

Cop: Where's your passenger?
Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me.

My girlfriend just broke up with me due to my linkin park obsession.

...But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.
The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.
The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!
The priest says Do we have time?

My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of s**....

Due to the recession and to save on energy costs,

the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

Got my wife with the greatest dadjoke yet

She was talking about something and I got the rare chance to interrupt her by saying "Hi leaving and taking the kids due to these s**... jokes, I'm dad!"

What's a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet service has been disconnected due to terms of service violations and excessive downloading. Please return modem and accessories to your nearest Comcast location.
Sincerely,
Comcast

What is a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Sir or Ma'am,
we are cutting your internet connection due to i**... downloading and copyright violations.
Sincerely, Internet Provider

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.
He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."
The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.
When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".
The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".

TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt

A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin

One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.
"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."

Today would've been my mother's 50th birthday... But due to drug use and bad choices

We all forgot about it

Did you know that there's a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?

This is due the antelopes unnaturally strong hind legs, and he fact that the average house can't jump

My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really.

She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.

Mod Announcement: Due to complaints from our fair-haired readers, blonde jokes are no longer allowed...

...because they couldn't read them.

Probably already been said, but it made me chuckle when I thought of it.

A man has been found dead in central London this evening, reports confirm the man died due to being stabbed with a triangular knife.
Police are calling it an isoscelated incident.

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts.

Been thinking about this all night.

On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...

"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".
Two hours before landing, another announcement was made. "There are still 80 meals available if anybody is hungry".

Romney was asked about the Chinese going to the moon...

He responded that when they are up there, they will be able to see the flag we planted over 40 years ago. This is a pretty clever comeback. But the last laugh is on us. The US flags are now all beached white due to the unprotected exposure to the sun's UV radiation. This means the Chinese will think the French made it first.

In the northern hemisphere, small dogs chase their tails clockwise, but in the southern hemisphere, they chase them counter-clockwise.

This is due to the corgiolis effect.

Guy gets on a city bus...

and sits down next to a really hot girl. The bus bumps and her glass eyes falls out of its socket and the guy catches it. To repay him for catching her eye and due to the awkwardness she invites him to dinner and a movie and after that they went back to the guys house and had great s**...! In the morning the guy looks at the girl and asks: "Do you usually hang out and have s**... with random strangers"? She replies: "No, You just happened to catch my eye"!

I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.

Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?
"No officer.
Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.
Thanks very much, officer!" I said. "Do you reckon it's worth me getting a license then?"

Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you or j**.... Without batting an eye she responded "you better j**..., I have a terrible headache."

There was a man once who was named "Odd"

He hated his name because he was bullied due to his name in School. His whole life he had to endure people making fun out of him. When he was old and on his death bed, he told his children that his headstone should not have his name and should be blank. After he died, his children fulfilled his wish and put up a blank headstone.
Later when people were passing by his grave, they would look at his blank headstone and say - "Hmmm. Thats Odd".

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"
Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?
The Indian says Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around two miles per hour .
Wow! Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?
Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago .

CNN says that Trumpists have been falling asleep at Trump rallies lately

Trump says it's all just fake snooze.
​
Credit where credit is due I stole this from YouTube comments.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Subscriber,
We are cutting off your Internet service due to i**... downloading.

A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop

When is it due he asks.
Two weeks she replies.
I guess I'll just walk then he responds.

Due to the rise of autonomous vehicles

It's only a matter of time until a country singer makes a song about his truck leaving them.

I don't see my wife & kids anymore. It's all due to gambling.

I won the lottery and I moved to Hawai'i

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.