Ducks Jokes

What are some Ducks jokes?

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

What do ducks smoke?

Qwack

What do you call a mouse on 2 legs

Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"

A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster

He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"

"Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"

"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"

"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."

There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see?

His but-quack.

What do ducks smoke?

Quack.

Three women and ducks

Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."

Two cows are out grazing in a pasture.

One turns to the other and says, "Have you heard about this mad cow disease that's going around? Its pretty scary stuff."

The other cow nods and chews its cud thoughtfully. "I suppose it is pretty scary, but it doesn't affect us ducks."

Micky Mouse isn't quick enough to avoid my punches.

But Donald ducks.

10-inch BIC

Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.

1: You got a lighter?

2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*

1: Woah, where'd you get that!?

2: I have a personal genie.

1: Cool! Can I make a wish?

2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*

1: I wish for a million bucks!

*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*

1: Wow, your genie really sucks at hearing.

2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?

Ducks

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'

So three ducks go to court...

The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."

A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."

The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."

johnny in the math class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Three girls die and go to heaven...

They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a 12-inch lighter

Guy 1 asks: *"That is a big lighter you got there! Where did ya get it?"*

Guy 2 says: *"I rubbed this lamp right here, and a genie granted me a wish"*

Guy 1 goes: *"Cool, let me see it!"*

He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie. The genie tells him he can only have one wish.

Guys 1 wishes: *"I wish for a million bucks!"*

So the genie snaps his fingers and a few seconds later, thousands upon thousands of ducks come swarming into the bar.

Guys 1 says: *"What is this?! I said a million bucks not a million ducks!"*

Guys 2 says: *"Did you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"*

Duck tape.

An old man is sitting on his front porch when a young boy comes walking by with several rolls of tape in his arms.

"Now son, whatcha doin' with that tape?" asks the old man.

"Well sir, it's duck tape. I'm going to go catch some ducks." replies the boy.

Old man laughs and watches the boy continue down the road.

Several hours later the boy walks back by the old mans house with tape strung out behind him. Stuck to the tape are several ducks.

"I'll be damned," thinks the old man.

The next day the same boy walks back by the old mans house carrying rolls of wire.

"Hey son, what's with the wire?"

"Well sir, it's chicken wire. Imma catch me some chickens."

Kid continues on and returns several hours later dragging the wire behind him. Stuck in the wire were several chickens.

"Kid is something else," thinks the old man.

Next day kid comes walking up the road carrying a bundle of sticks.

"Hey son, what's with the sticks?"
"Well sir, it's pussywillow..."
Old man interrupts, "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

How can you tell when a feminist is about to say something smart?

It's always preceeded by "A man once told me..."

/me ducks and runs for cover. :D

Happy Feminists Day! :)

Three ducks got arrested and had to go to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack, and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."

The second duck gets on the stand and the judge asks the same thing. The duck says "My name is Quack Quack, and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge sends him to jail for 3 days.

The third duck gets up on the stand and the judge says "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack?" The duck says "Nah, I'm Bubbles."

Elephant jokes.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in cherry trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Thats because it had its toenails painted.

Why should you never walk through the forrest between the hours of 5pm and 7pm? That's when elephants tend to jump out of cherry trees.

Why are midgets so short? They tend to walk through the forrest between the hours of 5pm and 7pm

Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forrest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

I don't need sex because....

My auto correct ducks me daily.

One more Little Johnny joke

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

3 Ducks Sitting at a Courthouse

The Judge calls up the first duck

Judge: "state your name and your offense."

Duck 1: "My name is Quack and I blew bubbles at the pond."

Judge: "okay 1 week community service and off you go."

Judge calls up the second duck

Judge: "State your name and your offense."

Duck 2: "My name is Quack Quack and I blew bubbles at the pond."

Judge: "okay, same sentence. Now, off you go."

Judge calls up the third duck

Judge: "Dont tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack and you blew bubbles at the pond too"

Duck 3: "Nope! My name is Bubbles."

Three Ducks are in Court

They are about to take to the stand against Judge Swan.

The first duck steps up.

What is your name and why are you here? , said Judge Swan

My name is Quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in the pond

Judge Swan waves her hand, signaling for the next duck.

The second duck steps up.

What is your name and why are you here? , said Judge Swan

My name is Quack Quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in the pond

Judge Swan waves her hand, signaling for the last duck.

The last duck steps up.

Lemme guess, is your name Quack Quack Quack? asked Judge Swan.

No, my name is Bubbles

A teacher was teaching....

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

3 guys go to heaven...

3 men go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to the 3 men, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only 1 rule in Heaven. Do not step on the ducks. God loves his ducks more than anything else, and you will be punished if you step on a duck." Saint Peter opens the gates, and lets the 3 men in. When they enter, they immediately notice that ducks are everywhere. They would have to be very careful not to step on the ducks.

A few days go by. One of the men accidentally steps on a duck. All of a sudden an angel appears and handcuffs the ugliest looking woman he has ever seen to him. The angel leaves.

A few weeks go by, and one of the other men steps on a duck. Again, an angel appears and handcuffs an extremely ugly woman to him.

The third man is very careful to never step on a duck. 3 years go by, and he never steps on a duck. One day an angel appears and handcuffs the most attractive, beautiful woman the man has ever seen to him. Before the man can question it, the angel disappears. The man looks over at the woman and says, "I don't know what I did, but it must have been something good." The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."

.

.

Sorry if this joke is really old. It is one my grandfather used to tell me this joke all the time. Just passing it along.

Three men walk into heaven after death and find there is only one rule.

There are ducks running around everywhere, and God tells them that the only rule is to not step on any ducks. You must watch your step wherever you go. The punishment of stepping in a duck is that you are forced to marry someone hideous.

The three men begin to like heaven. They are roaming around when the first man hears a loud, pained quack and discovers he had accidentally stepped on a duck. The next day, he finds that God was serious about the rule, and was forced to marry an very unattractive woman.

The next day, the second man went off on his own. He was daydreaming, and accidentally stepped on a duck. He, too, was made to marry a very ugly woman.

When the two men were lamenting over their punishments, they found their friend with a beautiful supermodel wearing a wedding dress. They go up to God ask how he got to marry such a beautiful women.

"Because, she stepped on a duck."

Quack Quack Quack

Three ducks are in court.
The first duck goes up to the judge.
The judge asks, "What's your name"?
The first duck replies, "Quack"
The judge asks, " What did you do, Quack"?
Quack says, "I got caught blowing bubbles at the pond".
The judge sentences Quack to 3 months in jail.
The second duck comes up to the judge and the judge asks him his name.
The second duck says, "Quack Quack".
The judge asked, "What did you do, Quack Quack"?
Quack Quack replied, "I got caught blowing bubbles at the pond too".
The judge sentenced Quack Quack to 3 months.
The third duck goes up to the judge and judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack"
The third duck replies, "No, my name is Bubbles".

Heaven and the Ducks

A man dies and is sent to meet St. Peter at the gates of heaven. There he sees St. Peter standing in front of a field of ducks. The man asks what the ducks are for and St. Peter tells him that if he steps on a duck he will be paired in heaven with an ugly women, however if he can make it through the field he will be rewarded with a beautiful women at his side for all of eternity.
The man carefully begins his trek across the field of ducks and after a few close calls, he makes it to the end of the field. St. Peter arrives at his side and congratulates him on his success and that his partner will be arriving shortly.
Suddenly the most beautiful women in the world appears at his side. He looks at her in aww and says, "how in the world was I lucky enough to end up with a women as beautiful as you!". The women looks at him and replies, "I don't know, all I did was step on a duck.

A man is sitting on his porch...

when a young boy walks by, holding a roll of duct tape. The man, slightly amused yet curious, asks the boy what he plans on doing with it.

"I take duck tape down to the lake, and I use it to catch ducks", replies the boy. The man laughs it off, but later the boy returns with his arms full of ducks.

The next day, the man is once again sitting on his porch when the boy comes around again, this time with a roll of chicken wire under his arm. "to catch chickens with", the boy tells the man, who is still a little skeptical, and laughs it off. Sure enough, that night he sees the boy carrying an armload of fat chickens.

The third day, the boy is carrying something, so the man asks what it is.

"They're pussywillows. I use it to..."

The man cuts him off. "I'll get my coat!"

Did you hear the guy who invented predictive text has died?

His funfair will be held on a sundial.

Funfair*

Funfair*

For ducks sake...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch man playing the piano

So the guy walks up to the bartender and asks where did you find a guy that's a foot tall and can play the piano?

Bartender: I wished for him

Guy: yeah, like I'm gonna believe that

Bartender: no seriously, here you make a wish

So the bartender hands the man a magical genie lamp, and all of the sudden a million ducks appear out of nowhere.

Guy: what is this I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks

Bartender: and you think I wished for a 12inch pianist.

Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm

The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"

The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of the math class...

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

one sucking her ice cream

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

I meet 3 ducks

So I came across 3 ducks and ask the first duck What's your name?" "Huey," he answers.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," I say.
Then I ask the second duck, "And what's your name?".
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So I turn to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

A duck walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender, "Hey, bartender. Got any duck food?"

The bartender responded, " No, I don't have duck food. I don't serve ducks. Get out of here."

So, the duck leaves.

The duck comes in the next night, "Hey, bartender. Got any duck food?"

The agitated bartender yells, " No! We don't serve ducks so we don't have duck food. If you ask me for duck food again I'll nail your bill to the bar!"

So, the duck leaves.

The duck comes in the next night.

"Hey, bartender. Ya got any nails?"

"NO!"

"Got any duck food?"

Why do ducks have big flat feet?

To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big flat feet?

To stomp out flaming ducks.

The flying V

Why is it when ducks fly in a V one side is longer.
More ducks on that side.

A boy is carrying something past an old man on his porch...

The old man sees him and says "Boy, what'cha got there?"

"Duck tape old man. Imma catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with no duck tape." says the old man.

The boy doesn't listen and walks on. 5 minutes later the boy comes back with 10 ducks all caught up in the tape and quacking away. The man is dumbfounded.

The next day the same boy walks carrying something by the old man.

"Boy, what'cha got there?"

"Chicken Wire" the boy says "Imma catch me some chickens"

"Boy you can't catch chickens with no chicken wire." Replied the old man.

The boy walked on, and not 10 minutes later came back with no less than 20 chickens all rolled up in the wire, clucking away. The old man was dumbfounded.

The next day the boy walked by carrying something. The old man raised an eyebrow.

"Boy, whatcha got there?" said the old man

"Pussywillows" replied the boy.

"Hold on" said the old man "Just let me get my hat."

So three ducks have to go to court

First duck walks in. Judge asks "What's your name?" The duck replies "Quack, sir." So the judge continues "OK, what'd you do?" And the duck responds "I was blowing bubbles in the pond." "50 dollar fine, you may go."

Next duck walks in. "OK, what's your name?" "Quack Quack sir." "OK, and what'd you do?" The duck also responds "I was blowing bubbles in the pond." "50 dollar fine, same as the last one. You may go."

Last duck walks in. The judge peers over his glasses as him, and says "Don't tell me. Your name is Quack Quack Quack." And the duck replies "No. I'm Bubbles."

Whatever you do, don't step on a duck.

Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere.
The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity."
The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity."
Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

Talking ducks

I was walking through town the other day and a man stopped me and asked whether I wanted to see his talking ducks. I decided to humour him, and went along.

I walked up to the first duck and asked "How was your day?"

"Not bad, just been in and out of puddles all day really" He replied

I was so shocked he actually replied, I decided to talk to the next duck and asked how his day was, "Pretty good, just been in and out of puddles all day" He replied.

I walked up to the last duck, and asked him "How was your day then?"

"My day's been terrible" the duck said

"Oh dear, why's that?" I asked

"My name's Puddles."

It's frustrating, every time I take my new dog to the park, the ducks just won't leave him alone.

I guess it's kind of my fault, I shouldn't have gotten a pure-bread dog.

Really Big Lighter

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, Where did you get such a big lighter?

The man replies, See the man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish.

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, I wish for a million bucks. All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he.

The guy replies, No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!

A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."

Three ducks got arrested and went to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."

The second duck gets on the stand and the judge says the same thing. The duck says "My name is Quack Quack and I got caught for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge sends him to jail for 3 days

The third duck gets up on the stand and the judge says "Let me guess your name is Quack Quack Quack?" The duck says
"Nah, im Bubbles."

Whats a ducks favourite type of sex? [OC]

Pondage

Teacher Joke

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Mad Cow Disease

There are two cows out in the pasture, watching as the farmer takes a prize bull behind the barn to shoot it.
The first cow looks at the second one and says "Can't believe Joe came down with mad cow disease. Are you scared we might get it too?"
The second cow looks at the first cow with a puzzled look and says "Why should I be scared? We're ducks."

Yo momma's so poor

The ducks throw bread at her

A guys is at a party.....

and steps behind two other guys. He notices that they are a Priest and a Rabbi and both are holding ducks.
He says "What is this? a joke?"
The Priest looks back and says, "No, this is the punchline."

What happens when Hillary throws relevant questions?

Donald Ducks


I'll show myself out

What do you call 2 ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?

A paradux

Three ducks were arrested one night for being in the lake after hours.

In court the judge asked the first duck why he was in the lake after hours. The duck said," I was blowing bubbles." The judge fined him and let him go.
The second duck came in and the judge asked him what he was doing after hours. The duck said, "I was blowing bubbles." Annoyed the judge fined him and let him go.
The last duck came in and the judge asked why he was in the lake after hours. Before he could respond the judge said, "Let me guess, you were there blowing bubbles?"
The duck smiled and said, "No sir, My name is bubbles."

A rope walks into a bar

The bartender refuses to serve him, saying, We don't serve rope here.

The rope walks outside, ducks into an alley, loops himself around himself until he is short and fat. Then he messes his hair up and walks back into the bar.

The bartender looks him up and down. Hey, aren't you that rope I kicked out of here before?

I'm a frayed knot.

A duck walks in to a bar

And asks the bartender if he has any bread. Go away duck! We don't have any bread said the bartender.

The duck waddles off.

The next day the duck returns to the bar and asks the bartender if he has any bread. Go away duck! I told you we don't have any bread!

The duck again waffles off.

The following day the duck returns and before he can ask the bartender a question, the Batman flies in to a tirade, if you ask me if I have any bread I'm going to nail your bill to the bar!

The duck asks do you have any nails?

The Bartender says no.

The ducks asks do you have any bread?

The Duck Priest

There once was a pond that many ducks called home, and near that pond was a small catholic church. Inside of that church was a duck priest and a small confessional with rarely any visitors

One day, the duck priest was sitting around and a duck walked in and came to the confessional. The duck said to the priest "father, I have sinned." The priest responded, "Ok my son, what is your name and what do you need to confess?" The duck responded "My name is Duck and I blew bubbles in the pond." The priest then responded "Ok Duck, you've been forgiven but you know the rules, there's no blowing bubbles in the pond and you're banned from the pond for the week."

Duck agreed and walked out, feeling better. Later that same day, a second duck walked into the Church and again approached the confessional, saying he had sinned. Again the father asked " What is your name and what do you need to confess?" The second duck responded "My name is Duck Duck and I blew bubbles in the pond." Again, the priest responded that Duck Duck had been forgiven, but was banned from the pond for the week.

Duck Duck left feeling much better. Finally, right before the priest was going to go to bed, a third duck came in and approached the confessional. Because this was a busy day, the priest merely said "Let me guess, your name is Duck Duck Duck and you blew bubbles in the pond?"

The third duck looked down at his feet and muttered "No, I'm Bubbles."

3 Ducks Go to Court

The first duck walks up to the judge and the judge says, "What is your name and what did you do?"
The duck replies, "I am Duck QUACK and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond."
The Judge sentences the duck to two years and calls the next case.

The second duck walks up to the judge and the judge says, "What is your name and what did you do?"
The duck replies, "I am Duck QUACK QUACK and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond too."
The judge says, "Same as the first, two years" and calls the next case.

The third duck walks up to the judge and the judge says, "Don't tell me you're Duck QUACK QUACK QUACK?" and the duck replies, "No, I'm bubbles."

Wedding ring

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Three little ducks go into a Bar

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Three ducks in a pond

There were three ducks in the pond that all got arrested. On their day in court the first duck approaches the bench.

The judge askes: "what were you doing in the public pond?"
Duck 1: "I was only blowing bubbles"
Judge: "Well you can't do that so I will give you 3 days in jail and $50 fine."

Duck 2 approaches the bench...
Judge: "Why did you get arrested in the public pond?"
Duck 2: "I too was blowing bubbles in the pond your honor."
Judge: "Well I'm sorry but your going to get the same 3 days in jail and $50 fine."

The third and last duck approaches the bench and judge asks.. "I suppose you were blowing bubbles in the pond as well?" The duck replies.. "No sir I am Bubbles"

Help me finish a joke?

I don't even know if this is the right place for this, but I'll try it and see what happens...

This sounds ridiculous, but here goes. In a dream last night, I told a joke. I don't exactly remember all of it, and woke up towards the end. But I like the setup. Please take a look at the part that I'm able to remember and add your own interpretation. Feel free to change anything you need in order to make the joke better.

Also, if there's a better place for me to post this, please let me know.

Here's what I remember...

Three ducks are out swimming, heading "somewhere", when they come across a magic lamp. The first duck rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The first duck asks the genie for a quicker way to reach "somewhere". With a clap of the genie's hands, a rowboat appears in the lake.

The ducks row for a while, but they get tired. The second duck rubs the lamp, and again, the genie pops out. The second duck says the boat is nice, but asks for a quicker way to get "somewhere". Again, the genie claps his hands, and an outboard motor appears at the back of the rowboat. They fire up the motor and get moving.

That's what I remember telling in the dream. I'm just curious what you all can come up with based on that. Change whatever you like, but would appreciate if we could keep the ducks, the genie, and the rowboat please. Thanks for reading.

Three women go to heaven...

Upon entering the pearly gates God states, "You can live a blissful life with anything you can dream of for all eternity. However, you must not step on any of the ducks!" The women look around to see the floor crowded with waddling ducks. Years go by without a hiccup. Finally after 10 years the first woman makes the dreaded mistake and steps on a duck. Immediately she in handcuffed to the most hideous, grotesque man she has ever seen. God states, "This shall remain for all eternity!" Five years later the second women makes the same crucial mistake and "POOF!" another hideous mate handcuffed for the rest of time. Finally after decades, "POOF!" the final women is suddenly strapped to the most handsome, perfect man she has ever seen. She screams to God, "What did I do to be so lucky?!!" At that moment the man looks over and says, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck!"

Two men walk into a bar.

The third man ducks.

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"

The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish.

The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."

The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."

The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happened, and his friend replied, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

A priest and an imam walk into a bar...

the rabbi ducks.

Three men die and go to heaven.

They meet a saint watching the gate, who tells them, "You are all welcome in Heaven. Just do not step on any ducks."

And so they walk in, and the moment they get in, the first man steps on a duck. Then, suddenly, there is a chain on his arm, and on the other end is an incredibly grotesque woman, smelling to the point of being comparable to a harpy. The saint says, "This is your wife, now and for all of eternity.

A few years pass, and the other two are doing just fine. Then, the second man, waking up, rolls over and stands up - "QUACK!" Straight onto a duck. Another woman, even more horrible and smelly than the last is chained to him. "This is your wife, now and for all eternity."

More years pass, and eventually, the saint appears, along with a chain on his arm. On the other end is a woman more beautiful than any he had ever seen. He asks the saint, "Why? I never stepped on a duck."

The woman pipes up, "I did."

George and Mildred

It was a pleasant, sunny afternoon in the park, full of Sunday revelers. George and Mildred were sitting together on a park bench, feeding the ducks. Mildred turned to George and said: "You know George, we've been together 29 years now, don't you think its about time we were getting married?"

George stared reflectively into the distance and replied, "Aye, Lass, but who would have us?"

Ducks

Me and my three friends all died and went to heaven(luckily)when we all arrived at the gate to heaven an angel told us that we could do whatever we wanted except no stepping on ducks. We all replied with That's easy thanks and walked away. After a little bit one of the friends walked away. When he came back he was with a super ugly girl. We all asked what happened, I stepped on a duck . Next friend goes comes back with an ugly girl stepped on a duck. Third friend comes back with a super hot girl. We all asked what happened? The girl said I stepped on a duck.

Three ducks walk into a bar...

The first duck walks up to the bar and the bartender asks "What's your name, what's your drink, and how was your day?" the first duck replies "My name is Bill, I'll have a rye and coke, and I had a GREAT day! I was in and out of puddles all day! Splashing around, gettin' wet, having fun!"
The second duck walks in. The bartender asks the duck "What's your name, what's your drink, and how was your day?" The duck says, "My name's Joe, I'll have a gin and tonic, and I had a GREAT day! I was in and out of puddles all day! Splashing around, getting wet, having fun!"
The third duck walks into the bar, the barkeeper asks him "What's your name, what's your drink, and how was your day?" the duck looks him dead in the eyes and replies "My name is Puddles, I'll have three shots of tequila, and I don't want to talk about my f**king day."

Ducks....

When ducks are flying south for the winter they fly in a V formation.If you ever notice one side of the "V" is always longer than the other side,do you know why that is?


There are more ducks on that side.

12 inch Pianist

One day, a man walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot tall man playing the piano. He asks the bartender how he got the 12 inch pianist. The bartender says, "Oh yeah, there is a genie out back behind the bar!" so the man walks out behind the bar and asks the genie for 1,000,000 bucks. Sure enough, the genie poofed up a million ducks. So the man goes back inside the bar, and he says to the bartender, " I asked for a million bucks, but it gave me a million ducks!" Then the bartender says smugly, "You really think I would ask for a twelve inch pianist?"

Three rubber ducks..

Three rubber ducks head down to the nearby pond after dinner. The sun sets and it becomes passed their curfew. Feeling rebellious, the three ducks decide to stay out. An hour passes and a police offer shows up. He charges the three ducks with trespassing; their court hearing is scheduled in two weeks.
At the hearing the judge questions the first duck,
"What were you doing so late at the pond?"
"I was just blowing bubbles," responds the first duck.
The judge thinks to himself it's a sarcastic response but disregards it. He moves on to the second duck, repeating the question.
The second duck responds, "I was blowing bubbles."
Alright, now the judge is ruffled. He gives the group another try and says to the third duck,
"Lemme guess, you were just blowing bubbles too, right?"
The third duck smiles and replies, "No, I am Bubbles."

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To put out fires.


Why do elephants have large, flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

Three doctors go on a duck hunt

One is family practice, the other is a radiologist, and the third is a surgeon. They see some birds way off in the distance.

The family practice doctor says, "They may be birds. They may be airplanes. We can't be sure, let's wait a bit and see if they look a little clearer later."

The radiologist says, "we can see in their shadows that they have two wings and two legs. Maybe it's ducks. Could be geese, or maybe quails."

The surgeon shoulders his rifle and shoots one out of the sky. He says, "I don't know what it is, but we got it. Now let's call the pathologist."

Elephants

How many legs does an elephant have?
Four. Two in the front and two in the back.

Why don't elephants make good dancers?
They have two left feet.

What's flat and feathery and half an inch tall?
A duck who tried to teach an elephant how to dance.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks, of course.

There was once a professional French soccer team whose players were all ducks

Named Le Tariat, they were so good that all other teams were amateur by comparison. This led to a lot of resentment, and the other teams all shunned them. While most simply ignored them, a few were very mean about it.

Le Tariat hatched a plan to kidnap the meanest of the players who were shunning them. In the middle of the night they did exactly that. They were caught though, and ended up going to prison where, being much smaller than the human inmates, they had a very bad time.

So in the end, seizing the meanies of pro duck shun didn't make the pro Le Tariat any happier.

What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion?

Quack-aphony

What do you call cocaine for ducks

quack

What dip do ducks favour the most?

Quakamole.

How to make Ducks puns?

We have collected gags and puns about Ducks to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Ducks? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny Ducks pick up lines to share with friends.

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