The Best 83 Ducks Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ducks jokes. There are some ducks stepping on ducks jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ducks lame duck puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Ducks Jokes and Puns

Three women and ducks

Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."

Mad Cow Disease

There are two cows out in the pasture, watching as the farmer takes a prize bull behind the barn to shoot it.
The first cow looks at the second one and says "Can't believe Joe came down with mad cow disease. Are you scared we might get it too?"
The second cow looks at the first cow with a puzzled look and says "Why should I be scared? We're ducks."

There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see?

His but-quack.

Two cows are out grazing in a pasture.

One turns to the other and says, "Have you heard about this mad cow disease that's going around? Its pretty scary stuff."

The other cow nods and chews its cud thoughtfully. "I suppose it is pretty scary, but it doesn't affect us ducks."

George and Mildred

It was a pleasant, sunny afternoon in the park, full of Sunday revelers. George and Mildred were sitting together on a park bench, feeding the ducks. Mildred turned to George and said: "You know George, we've been together 29 years now, don't you think its about time we were getting married?"

George stared reflectively into the distance and replied, "Aye, Lass, but who would have us?"


A priest and an imam walk into a bar...

the rabbi ducks.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To put out fires.

Why do elephants have large, flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

Ducks joke, Why do ducks have webbed feet?

Two men walk into a bar.

The third man ducks.

A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster

He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"

"Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"

"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"

"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."

What do you call 2 ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?

A paradux

A guys is at a party.....

and steps behind two other guys. He notices that they are a Priest and a Rabbi and both are holding ducks.
He says "What is this? a joke?"
The Priest looks back and says, "No, this is the punchline."

You can explore ducks contradict reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ducks fowl dad jokes. There are also ducks puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Ducks

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'

What do ducks smoke?

Qwack

M R Ducks

Person 1: M R Ducks.
Person 2: M R Not.
Person 1: O S A R. C M Wangs?
Person 2: L I B. M R Ducks!

My grandmother told me this when I was 5ish. Don't know why it cracks me up.

A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."

Elephants

How many legs does an elephant have?
Four. Two in the front and two in the back.

Why don't elephants make good dancers?
They have two left feet.

What's flat and feathery and half an inch tall?
A duck who tried to teach an elephant how to dance.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks, of course.

Ducks joke, Elephants

Ducks....

When ducks are flying south for the winter they fly in a V formation.If you ever notice one side of the "V" is always longer than the other side,do you know why that is?

There are more ducks on that side.

So three ducks go to court...

The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."

A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."

The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."

Whats a ducks favourite type of sex? [OC]

Pondage


Did you hear the guy who invented predictive text has died?

His funfair will be held on a sundial.

Funfair*

Funfair*

For ducks sake...

What happens when Hillary throws relevant questions?

Donald Ducks

I'll show myself out

The flying V

Why is it when ducks fly in a V one side is longer.
More ducks on that side.

TIL about Mexican drug birds.

During the early 60s drug cartels would use South-American mallard flocks to smuggle drugs over the border.

The birds' predictable migration patterns and considerable size made them perfect for the job, until a few years later.

That's when the ducks got wise and just started smoking all the quack.

What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion?

Quack-aphony

Micky Mouse isn't quick enough to avoid my punches.

But Donald ducks.

How can you tell when a feminist is about to say something smart?

It's always preceeded by "A man once told me..."

/me ducks and runs for cover. :D

Happy Feminists Day! :)

Ducks joke, How can you tell when a feminist is about to say something smart?

Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm

The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"

The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

10-inch BIC

Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.

1: You got a lighter?

2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*

1: Woah, where'd you get that!?

2: I have a personal genie.

1: Cool! Can I make a wish?

2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*

1: I wish for a million bucks!

*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*

1: Wow, your genie really sucks at hearing.

2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?

johnny in the math class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Why do ducks have big flat feet?

To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big flat feet?

To stomp out flaming ducks.

What do you call a mouse on 2 legs

Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"

A rope walks into a bar

The bartender refuses to serve him, saying, We don't serve rope here.

The rope walks outside, ducks into an alley, loops himself around himself until he is short and fat. Then he messes his hair up and walks back into the bar.

The bartender looks him up and down. Hey, aren't you that rope I kicked out of here before?

I'm a frayed knot.

What dip do ducks favour the most?

Quakamole.

I don't need sex because....

My auto correct ducks me daily.

Yo momma's so poor

The ducks throw bread at her

Two mallards walk into a bar

The other one ducks

*Ba dum tsss*

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."

What do you call cocaine for ducks

quack

It's frustrating, every time I take my new dog to the park, the ducks just won't leave him alone.

I guess it's kind of my fault, I shouldn't have gotten a pure-bread dog.

What do ducks smoke?

Quack.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

Low flying plane noises!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

Nnnnnnyyyyyyyyooooooooo...

\*ducks as the National Guard flies a helicopter over our heads\*

Three gentlemen walk into a bar

The fourth ducks

What do ducks get addicted to?

Quack

What kind of drugs do ducks take ?

Quack

Two ducks check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The we're making out and the male duck said I forgot to bring any condoms! So he phones reception to see if they can help out. Condoms? Of course sir. Should I put them on your bill? ...

No way! If you did that I'd suffocate!

Why don't ducks tell jokes while they are flying?

Because they would quack up.

why did the ducks get arrested?

they sold quack

Duckiiiiiies

Two philosophers sat chatting in a bar, when one posed a question to the other. Imagine to yourself there were two ducks; one that could not stop moving in a certain directions, and could not be stopped, and another which could not by any means move or be moved. Say they were on a collision course, what would occur?
The other philosopher sat and sipped at his drink before replying, I truly don't know... What a pair o' ducks!

I realized that I can't take my dog to the park anymore. He keeps getting attacked by ducks.

I guess that's the last time I buy a pure bread dog.

I can't take my dog to the park anymore. He keeps getting attacked by ducks.

I guess that's the last time I buy a pure bread dog.

I brought a gun. He brought an army of ducks.

At this point it's just fowl play.

Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To hide their buttquacks.

What kind of drugs do ducks do?

Quack cocaine

A couple ducks are floating on a pond, and one of them goes, Quack!

The other duck looks over and says, Wow, I was just gonna say that!

I think stimulus checks should also extend to all waterfowl.

Because ducks have bills too, you know.

Elephant jokes, because it's what 2021 needs

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Bonus #1: How can you tell an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake.

Bonus #2: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence!

Bonus #3: No more elephant jokes.

A guy is waiting for the bus in front of a mental institution

There is a tall wooden fence surrounding it. The man starts hearing a group of people on the other side of the fence yelling "14, 14, 14!" So he walks over and finds a small hole. When he ducks down to peek through, all of a sudden he gets poked in the eye.



The people on the other side of the fence start yelling "15, 15, 15!"

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...

It's a furry, cuz ducks shouldn't be talking

I had to stop taking my dog to the park, because the ducks kept biting him.

Should have known this would happen. He's pure bread.

What's the most popular drug with ducks?

Quack cocaine

I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep biting him.

I should have known this would happen. He's pure bread...

Every time I take my dog for a walk in the park, he gets attacked by all of the ducks there.

Thats what I get for having a pure bread dog

Why Do Ducks Have Tails

To Cover Their Butt Quack

Dad joke:

Why are french ducks so suspicious?

Because they are always shouting quoi?! Quoi?!

I can't take my dog to the park anymore..

Every time we show up, all of the ducks try to eat him... I guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog..

A man walks into a bar

And pulls out a small piano, a small chair, and a small man. Theman walks over to the piano and starts playing it.

Everyone in the bar is amazed. They ask the man how he did it.

There's a genie outside granting wishes, says the man.

Upon hearing this, one of the bar patrons runs out of the bar and asks the genie, Are you granting wishes?

The genie says yes, so the man asks, give me a million bucks! And bam! A million ducks appear.

The guy goes back into the bar and says, hey! That genie is deaf!

The other guys replies, yeah, I know. Do you think i'd ask for a 12-inch pianist?

A man walks into a bar.

He sees his friend there, holding a ten inch bic lighter. So naturally, he asks his friend - Where did you get that bic?

The friend replies - I got it from my genie.

You have a genie?

Yes - says the friend, and puts him on the counter.

Can I make a wish?

Yes.

I wish for a hundred bucks.

After some time, the sound of quacking is heard and a hundred ducks enter the bar.

Confused, the man turns to his friend, asking- What is this? I asked for a hundred bucks, not a hundred ducks.

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, he is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a ten inch bic?

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks.

.....I'll gather your upvotes and see my way out.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because ducks keep attacking him

That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog

Why do ducks have tailfeathers?

To cover their buttquack.

Two ducks are sitting in a pond

One duck says "quack".

The other duck says "Hey, I was just going to say that!"

This one's from my daughter

What do ducks eat for snacks?
Quack-amole

Best joke my dad ever told me (he wasn't good at telling jokes)

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To put out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To put out burning ducks.

Genie will grant you one ...

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, Where did you get such a big lighter?

The man replies, See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish.

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, I wish for a million bucks. All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he.

The guy replies, No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!

why are all ducks such terrible doctors ?

they are all quacks.

Two Scottish ducks were flying south..

The first duck says:
- Quack.

The second duck says:
- Am flyin as quack as I can!

Where do ducks hide their cash?

In their butt-quack

What is a ducks favorite drug?

Quack Cocaine

How do ducks carry their beverages?

In a waddle bottle!

Two ducks walk into a bar…

Ok! Ok! They waddle. Geez!

A joke my nephew told me recently... Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their ass quack

I used to feed ducks everyday.

A big group of them, but there was always one that really stood out to me - he always had very rough feathers, always shaking with wide eyes and a chipped beak. Then one day I saw him huddled in a group with a couple other ducks that looked exactly the same, and they all had little packets of white powder in their beaks. Then it clicked:

They were quackheads.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ducks duck hunter jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ducks duck hunting piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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