ducks Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ducks puns

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

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A farmer buys a young cock...

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"

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What do ducks smoke?

Qwack

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Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover up their butt quacks.

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A Farmer buys a young Cock.......

A Farmer buys a young Cock.
As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens, Farmer gets tense now.
Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.
Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead & Vultures circling over it's head.
Farmer Says: U Horny bastard u deserve this!
The Cock opens 1 eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout, let them land...!

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A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At noon cock again screws 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" Cock opens one eye, points up and says, "shhh! They're about to land!"

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What do you call a mouse on 2 legs

Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"

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F*ucking Cock

A Farmer buys a young Cock. As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.

At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens,
Farmer gets tense now.

Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.

Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead &
Vultures circling over it's head.

Farmer Says: You Horny bastard you deserve this!

The Cock opens one eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout,
let them land...

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A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster

He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"

"Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"

"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"

"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."

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A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."

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There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see?

His but-quack.

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A man and his date are walking in the park

His date asks him to impress her. "Well", he says, "I can talk to animals".

"Prove it", she responds.

"Watch this".

The man walks up to a group of ducks.

"What's up, you fucking ducks?"

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A farmer buys a young cock (nsfw)

As soon as he gets it home it fucks all one hundred of his chickens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock goes for round two, all one hundred chickens get another go. The next day it is fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later that week the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half dead being circled by vultures. The farmer says "that's what ya get ya horny basterd". The cock opens one eye and says "shhhh they are about to land"

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yearly repost : ducks walks in to a bar

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: No mate, this is a bar

Duck: Got any bread ?

Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.

Duck: Got any nails?

Barman: No.

Duck: Got any bread?

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Three women and ducks

Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."

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Two cows are out grazing in a pasture.

One turns to the other and says, "Have you heard about this mad cow disease that's going around? Its pretty scary stuff."

The other cow nods and chews its cud thoughtfully. "I suppose it is pretty scary, but it doesn't affect us ducks."

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A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and takes a tiny man and a piano out of his pocket, puts it down and the tiny man starts to play. "Where did you get him from?" Asked the bar man. "I got him from a genie" says the man. "Would you like a turn?" He says offering the lamp to the bar man. Of coarse the bar man takes it, rubs the lamp and says to the genie "I wish for a million bucks!" And BAM the entire bar is full of ducks. "What the hell!" Exclaimed the bar man, "I wished for a million bucks, not ducks!". To which the man replied "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

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I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

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Micky Mouse isn't quick enough to avoid my punches.

But Donald ducks.

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10-inch BIC

Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.

1: You got a lighter?

2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*

1: Woah, where'd you get that!?

2: I have a personal genie.

1: Cool! Can I make a wish?

2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*

1: I wish for a million bucks!

*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*

1: Wow, your genie really sucks at hearing.

2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?

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Ducks

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'

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Boudreaux & Thibodeaux

One morning Thibodeaux was sitting on his dock enjoying the sunrise when Boudreaux pulls up in his boat filled with duct tape. Thibodeaux looks at him, and asks "what you doing with a boat full of duct tape?" Boudreaux replies "I'm going duck hunting! You wanna come?" "You can't hunt ducks with duct tape, and no I ain't coming" replied Thibodeaux. So Boudreaux leaves. Later in the day Thibodeaux sees Boudreaux fly by in his boat, and low and behold its full of ducks. "Well i'll be damned!" says Thibodeaux.

The next morning as Thibodeaux is enjoying the sunrise, Boudreaux pulls up in his boat again, this time with a boat full of gatorade. Sarcastically Thibodeaux says "Let me guess, you gonna catch gators with gatorade?" "Yep, you wanna come?" says Boudreaux. "You can't catch gators with gatorade...No I ain't coming!" So Boudreaux leaves. Later that day Thibodeaux sees Boudreaux fly by in his boat, and it was filled with gators. "Well i'll be damned!" says Thibodeaux.

The next morning as Thibodeaux is enjoying the sunrise, Boudreaux pulls up in his boat agian...this time with a boat full of pussy willows. Thibodeaux thinks for a second and says..."Hold on let me get my hat"

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2 ducks are walking down the street.

2 ducks are walking down the street when they see each other. It's love at first sight. They immediately start talking and within 5 minutes they are getting a hotel room together. As the evening progresses, they are about to have sex, when one duck asks the other if he has a condom. He says "I don't, but I can get one from reception." So he heads down to reception, and slightly embarrassed asks if he can buy a condom. The receptionist says, "of course, would you like it on your bill." The duck responds outraged, "what kind of sick bastard do you think I am."

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So three ducks go to court...

The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."

A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."

The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."

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I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks"

"Ducks can't talk" says I.

"5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise"

"You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks"

I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"HOLY SHIT, They do talk!" says I.

On to the next duck "Hey, how was your day?"

"Oh, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"alright, now you, duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh it was TERRIBLE!!!"

"How come?"

"My name is Puddles!!!"

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johnny in the math class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

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Three girls die and go to heaven...

They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."

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A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a 12-inch lighter

Guy 1 asks: *"That is a big lighter you got there! Where did ya get it?"*

Guy 2 says: *"I rubbed this lamp right here, and a genie granted me a wish"*

Guy 1 goes: *"Cool, let me see it!"*

He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie. The genie tells him he can only have one wish.

Guys 1 wishes: *"I wish for a million bucks!"*

So the genie snaps his fingers and a few seconds later, thousands upon thousands of ducks come swarming into the bar.

Guys 1 says: *"What is this?! I said a million bucks not a million ducks!"*

Guys 2 says: *"Did you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"*

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Duck tape.

An old man is sitting on his front porch when a young boy comes walking by with several rolls of tape in his arms.

"Now son, whatcha doin' with that tape?" asks the old man.

"Well sir, it's duck tape. I'm going to go catch some ducks." replies the boy.

Old man laughs and watches the boy continue down the road.

Several hours later the boy walks back by the old mans house with tape strung out behind him. Stuck to the tape are several ducks.

"I'll be damned," thinks the old man.

The next day the same boy walks back by the old mans house carrying rolls of wire.

"Hey son, what's with the wire?"

"Well sir, it's chicken wire. Imma catch me some chickens."

Kid continues on and returns several hours later dragging the wire behind him. Stuck in the wire were several chickens.

"Kid is something else," thinks the old man.

Next day kid comes walking up the road carrying a bundle of sticks.

"Hey son, what's with the sticks?"
"Well sir, it's pussywillow..."
Old man interrupts, "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

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Two Kids Walk by an Old man on his porch

Two kids walk by an old man on his porch with some duct tape in their hands.

The old man says "what are you kids doing with the duct tape?"

The kids reply, "we are off to go catch some ducks". To which the old man replies "You will never catch any ducks with that!"

Sure enough the kids come back with several ducks.

The next day the kids come walking by the old mans house with some chicken wire.

The old man says "What are you kids doing with the chicken wire"

The Kids reply "we are off to go catch some chickens" to which the old man replies "You cant catch chickens with chicken wire".

Sure enough the kids come back with several chickens.

The next day the kids come walking down the street with some pussy willow.

The old man says "Let me go get my hat"

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How can you tell when a feminist is about to say something smart?

It's always preceeded by "A man once told me..."

/me ducks and runs for cover. :D

Happy Feminists Day! :)

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3 ducks

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, This duck ain't from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin' license, boy? The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Tennessee duck. This here duck's from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin' license?

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly Just where the hell are you from?
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said You tell me, you're the expert!!

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Three ducks got arrested and had to go to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack, and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."

The second duck gets on the stand and the judge asks the same thing. The duck says "My name is Quack Quack, and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge sends him to jail for 3 days.

The third duck gets up on the stand and the judge says "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack?" The duck says "Nah, I'm Bubbles."

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Elephant jokes.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in cherry trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Thats because it had its toenails painted.

Why should you never walk through the forrest between the hours of 5pm and 7pm? That's when elephants tend to jump out of cherry trees.

Why are midgets so short? They tend to walk through the forrest between the hours of 5pm and 7pm

Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forrest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

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A man walks into a bar carrying three ducks

He sets the ducks on the bar and excuses himself the the restroom.

The bartender, bored, looks at one of the ducks and says "Hey there little fella, what's your name?" To his surprise, the duck responds "My names Huey!"
The bartender then asks "Well Huey, how was your day?"
"Oh, it was pretty good, I was in and out of puddles all day."

The bartender turns to the second duck and asks "What's your name?"
"I'm Dewey!"
"Oh, and how was your day?"
"Pretty good, I was in and out of puddles all day!"

The bartender turns to the third duck and says "You must be Louie!" To which the third duck says "No, I'm Puddles, and dont ask me about my fucking day!"

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What are the most funny Ducks jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ducks? Well, here are the best Ducks dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ducks pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes