The Best 71 Duck Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Duck jokes. There are some duck stepping on ducks jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these duck platypus puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Duck Jokes and Puns
I was at a Chinese restaurant...
when I realized that a duckling is a small duck. So I decided to cancel my order of steamed dumplings.
Three women and ducks
Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."
There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see?
His but-quack.
How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?
Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers
Remember duck tape turns no no no...
In to mmm mmm mmm
A cute one I heard from a friend at work.
Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".
Ducks
Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'
A duck walks into a bar...
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No mate, this is a bar
Duck: Got any bread ?
Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
What do ducks smoke?
Qwack
Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped?
An abduction.
I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.
What did the duck say to the prostitute?
Put it on my bill.
You can explore duck geese reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean duck quackamole dad jokes. There are also duck puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
À duck waddles into the drug store.
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A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. Points a wing at him and says with a frown:
"Quack!"
So three ducks go to court...
The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."
A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."
The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."
Three men die and go to heaven.
God tells the men that if they do not step on a duck, he will give them a hot wife. The first man goes and steps on a duck and is taken to his ugly wife.
The second man does the same and is also taken to an ugly wife.
The third man was determined not to do anything so he didn't move. Eventually God came back with a hot woman and the man asked, "What did I do to deserve this?"
God replied, "You did nothing, she just stepped on a duck."
A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.
He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.
"What the hell's going on, Steve?" asks the woman.
"What do you think of the pig?"
"That's not a pig, it's a duck."
"I wasn't talking to you."
I bought a muzzle for my pet duck....
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...
1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!
What did the duck do after he lost his wife, his job, and his house?
He became a quack head
What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus?
Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry.
Trump's Secret Service is going to have a problem
If someone shoots at him, they will yell "Donald Duck, Donald Duck"
What do you call a drug-addicted duck?
A quackhead.
If someone tries to shoot the President...
The Secret Service will have to yell "Donald duck!"
What will the secret service yell when something is hurtling towards the president?
Donald duck!
Did you know the Secret Service is no longer allowed to say "GET DOWN!" when the President is getting attacked?
Now they're required to say "Donald, duck!"
The bodyguards of the POTUS used to shout "Get down, Mr. president!" during assassination attempts
Now they just say "Donald, duck"
Where do duck farts come from?
Their buttquacks.
Bill Withers Duck joke
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Leave it in the oven till it's Bill Withers.
The secret service used to yell "Get Down" whenever the president was in immediate danger
Now they yell "Donald Duck!"
A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"
The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger
Instead of yelling "Get down!" they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A duck walks into a bar...
And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead
...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck...
...when a drunk staggered up to her and said, "Hey, where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied, "You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said, "Quiet, woman , I was talking to the duck!"
I ordered giant duck at a fancy restaurant the other day
The bill was huge!
What do you call a mouse on 2 legs
Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...
They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.
Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes woof! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of dogs, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes meow! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of cats, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes Potato. Potato.
Secret Service no longer yells Get down, Mr President any more when the President is under attack
Now they yell Donald, duck
Having a duck orgy at my house...
If anyone wants to come on down.
The Secret Service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the President is about to be attacked
Now they have to yell, "Donald, duck!"
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?
I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.
Daffy Duck was in a hotel room, he called room service and asks for a condom, receptionist says shall we put it on your bill? Daffy replied.
Are you thucking thupid I'll thuffocate.
2 guys walk into a bar....
...you'd think the second one would duck.
A duck orders a condom, at a hotel...
The man at the front desk asks, "Would you like me to put this on your bill, sir?"
The duck replies, "No, what sort of pervert do you think I am?!"
I'm currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.
She's going for the ribs.
I might try a duck.
A Duck is standing on the side of the road waiting a for break in the traffic...
A chicken walks up to him and says Don't do it, you'll never hear the end of it.
Why did the duck need to sell himself?
He got hooked on the quack.
A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm
The bartender says, "Hey! Get that pig out of here!"
The lady scoffs and tells the bartender, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck." To which the bartender replies, "I was talkin' to the duck!"
What happens when you call a duck?
His phone wings
What do ducks smoke?
Quack.
Why did the duck become broke and homeless?
Because he smoked to much quack
Conspiracy theorists are like, If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
It's a government surveillance drone.
I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...
It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill
The Secret Sevice is not allowed to tell the president to get down
If there is a crisis they have to say Donald, Duck!
Saw a sign at a farm that said, "duck, eggs."
I was contemplating the use of the comma when it hit me.
What does the secret service say when President Trump almost gets shot?
Donald, duck!
What does a subatomic duck say?
Quark!
Autocorrect walks into a bar
DUCK!
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...
It's a furry, cuz ducks shouldn't be talking
Do you know why the duck went to narcotics anonymous?
He had a quack addiction.
There is only one thing I don't like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant
The bill
Why Do Ducks Have Tails
To Cover Their Butt Quack
Why did the duck have to put on pants?
His butt-quack was showing!
Why was the duck arrested
He smoked quack
What do you call a duck who's a doctor?
A Quack.
What souns does a mexican duck make?
Guac
What do you get when you breed an elephant and a duck?
A dead duck with gaping asshole
A guy walks into the Doctor's office
A guy walks into the Doctor's office with a duck on his head.
The Doctor looks at him and says "So what seems to be the problem?"
The duck says "Get this guy off my ass!"
What time does Donald Duck wake up?
At the quack of dawn.
Punctuation Matters!
I was walking past a farm and a sign said:
"Duck, Eggs"
I thought: That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the duck quack jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working duck waterfowl piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.