Duck Jokes
153 duck jokes and hilarious duck puns to laugh out loud. Read animal jokes about duck that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These funny duck jokes are sure to get you quacking! Make everyone close by waddle with laughter as you share your best duck, goose, and duckling jokes. Don't forget to put your own twist on them!
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Funniest Duck Short Jokes
Short duck jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The duck humour may include short frog jokes also.
- I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
- My 7 year old daughter just told me this one. I'm so proud. What did the duck say when he bought chapstick? Put it on my bill
- What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck? I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.
- For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time. Three guys were walking down the street.
Two of them walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked. - Bill Withers Duck joke How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Leave it in the oven till it's Bill Withers. - I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus... It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill
- So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: Is this Whiskey? Elmer says: Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!
- A chicken saw a duck standing by the side of the road. The chicken called out to the duck: Don't do it pal. You'll never hear the end of it!
- My son is walking through the house, shouting Duck! Duck! Duck! I told him to stop using fowl language.
- There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see? His but-quack.
Share These Duck Jokes With Friends
Duck One Liners
Which duck one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with duck? I can suggest the ones about deer and ding.
- Two blondes walk into a bar You'd think the second one would have ducked
- What do ducks smoke? Qwack
- There is only one thing I don't like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant The bill
- How do you properly greet a very fancy duck as you walk by? M'lard
- Do you know why the duck went to narcotics anonymous? He had a quack addiction.
- I think I hit a duck. How do you know?
There's a quack in the bumper. - What is a duck's favorite sea monster? A Quacken
- What happens when you call a duck? His phone wings
- What do you call a drug-addicted duck? A quackhead.
- Why did the duck become broke and homeless? Because he smoked to much quack
- How does a duck carry his school books? Bwack pwack
- I bought a muzzle for my pet duck.... Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
- Remember duck tape turns no no no... In to mmm mmm mmm
- What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
- Why did the duck need to sell himself? He got hooked on the quack.
Duck Bill Jokes
Here is a list of funny duck bill jokes and even better duck bill puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner… When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
- I ordered giant duck at a fancy restaurant the other day The bill was huge!
- A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Gimme some Chapstick... ...and put it on my bill."
- Why didn't nasa send a duck into space? The bill would be astronomical.
- Did you hear about the duck who got a nose job? He didn't like the bill.
- I think stimulus checks should also extend to all waterfowl. Because ducks have bills too, you know.
- A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink and asks for his check.
Duck billed platypus. - A handsome duck walks into a bar [OC I hope] The bartender takes one look at the duck and says I'm sorry, but I can't serve you.
The duck asks Why not?
Because you have an outstanding bill. - What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck? People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.
- Two Jewish duck hunters make a kill on the same waterfowl But who takes the bill?
Donald Duck Jokes
Here is a list of funny donald duck jokes and even better donald duck puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The Secret Sevice is not allowed to tell the president to get down If there is a crisis they have to say Donald, Duck!
- Trump's Secret Service is going to have a problem If someone shoots at him, they will yell "Donald Duck, Donald Duck"
- Micky Mouse isn't quick enough to avoid my punches. But Donald ducks.
- Why did Mickey Mouse get shot? Because Donald ducked.
- BREAKING. With Disney buying Star Wars Donald Duck will now have four nephews. Huey, Louie, Dewey and Chewie.
- What is the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump? One is a cartoon character with a hot temper and the other is a duck.
- What happens when Hillary throws relevant questions? Donald Ducks
I'll show myself out - What is Donald Duck's favorite restaurant? Quacker Barrel
- So I looked up Donald Duck, and I have bad news. He's on quack now.
- Mickey and Minnie walked into a bar Donald ducked
Sitting Duck Jokes
Here is a list of funny sitting duck jokes and even better sitting duck puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two ducks are sitting in a pond One duck says "quack".
The other duck says "Hey, I was just going to say that!" - After a long day of duck hunting I was famished... so I decided to sit down, put my feet up, and have my favorite snack... Cheese and quackers.
- I used to sit in front of the trombones in band I would keep both my sheet music, as well as theirs, so I knew when to duck.
Duck Drug Jokes
Here is a list of funny duck drug jokes and even better duck drug puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What kind of duck uses drugs? A quack head
- What kind of drugs do ducks take ? Quack
- So there's this duck, trying to sell drugs to this horse The duck hold out his wing and says: "Quack?" The horse shakes his head and says: "Neigh!"
- Drugs Q. Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck?
A. Now he's hooked on the quack. - Where does a duck hide it's drugs? In its buttquack
- What is a duck's favorite drug? Quack.
Girlfriend came up with it. It was so bad it was good. - I had my pet duck drug tested this morning... Turns out he's been doing quack this whole time!
- Why did the duck go to rehab? (Different answer than normal) He wanted to quack down on his drug usage.
- Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck? Now he's hooked on the quack.
- Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Duck Jokes
What funny jokes about duck you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean turtle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make duck pranks.
I was at a Chinese restaurant...
when I realized that a duckling is a small duck. So I decided to cancel my order of steamed dumplings.
Three women and ducks
Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."
What about the mad cow?
A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and
go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp."
The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well."
The waiter, a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?"
The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself."
Duck in my soup.
Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup...
Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Scientists recently discovered the source of the quark...
It's the sound made by a posh duck.
A cute one I heard from a friend at work.
Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".
Ducks
Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'
another bar joke
a duck walks into a bar wearing a shoe. the bartender says, "so you lost a shoe?" and the duck says, "no, i found one"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck walks into a bar...
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No mate, this is a bar
Duck: Got any bread ?
Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped?
An abduction.
I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.
What do you call a white duck?
A Quacker.
Just made that up and I will openly admit to being proud of myself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck walks into a bar
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some grapes. The bartender says, "no this is a bar. We do not sell grapes."
So the next day the duck walks into the bar and asks for some grapes. By this time the bartender gets very mad and says, "if you ask me for grapes again. I'll nail you to the bench."
The following day the duck walks in and asks for some nails and the bartender says "no."
So the duck was like oh sweet.. Got any grapes?
What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig?
A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't. You get down from a duck.
A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. Points a wing at him and says with a frown:
"Quack!"
So three ducks go to court...
The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."
A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."
The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."
What does the quantum duck say?
Quark Quark
Why did the duck cross the basketball court?
He heard the referees were blowing fouls...
-Jim Norton
A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today...
The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.
Three men die and go to heaven.
God tells the men that if they do not step on a duck, he will give them a hot wife. The first man goes and steps on a duck and is taken to his ugly wife.
The second man does the same and is also taken to an ugly wife.
The third man was determined not to do anything so he didn't move. Eventually God came back with a hot woman and the man asked, "What did I do to deserve this?"
God replied, "You did nothing, she just stepped on a duck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.
He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.
"What the h**...'s going on, Steve?" asks the woman.
"What do you think of the pig?"
"That's not a pig, it's a duck."
"I wasn't talking to you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Duck walks into a Bar
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No, and if you keep asking, I'll nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
I have adhd and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...
1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!
What did the duck do after he lost his wife, his job, and his house?
He became a quack head
What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus?
Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry.
What do you call a part gopher, part duck, and part you?
A Gophuckyourself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella
She notices j**... colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"
Why did the duck cross the road?
Waiter:"I don't know and I don't care, how exactly do you plan to pay for the meal you just bought Mr.Chicken?"
Chicken:"Just put it on my bill."
Waiter:"You don't have a bill..."
Chicken:"No bill? oh you shouldn't have, I'll see myself out!"
A duck, a deer, a skunk and an elephant are sitting in a bar
The end of the night rolls around and the waitress asks who is going to pay the tab.
The duck says that he can't pay because he only has one bill.
The deer says that she had a buck on her last night, but won't have any doe until spring.
The skunk says he can't pay because he only has one scent.
Finally, the elephant says "It's okay boys, the highballs are on me!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where do duck farts come from?
Their buttquacks.
What goes "quick, quick"?
Duck in a hurry.
I want a pet duck
But can't get one in my town without an agricultural permit.
Oh, well. no farm, no fowl.
A duck walks into a bar...
And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead
...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a mouse on 2 legs
Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...
They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.
Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes woof! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of dogs, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes meow! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of cats, and walks on.
They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes Potato. Potato.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having a duck o**... at my house...
If anyone wants to come on down.
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Daffy Duck was in a hotel room, he called room service and asks for a c**..., receptionist says shall we put it on your bill? Daffy replied.
Are you thucking thupid I'll thuffocate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
Should I really be having s**... with it?
A joke a coworker told me today: What do you get when you combine a cow, a duck, a piece of wood, and a rhino?
Cow the duck wood rhino?
Why did the duck stand in the middle of the road?
He wanted to prove he's not a chicken!
I'm currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.
She's going for the ribs.
I might try a duck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck and a beautiful woman
A duck and a beautiful woman are sitting on a hotel room bed when the duck realizes he has no c**... not wanting to take any chances he calls room service. Room service arrives he asks "Do you want me to put this on your bill?" "No what do you think I am some kind of pervert?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm
The bartender says, "Hey! Get that pig out of here!"
The lady scoffs and tells the bartender, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck." To which the bartender replies, "I was talkin' to the duck!"
Conspiracy theorists are like, If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
It's a government surveillance drone.
Saw a sign at a farm that said, "duck, eggs."
I was contemplating the use of the comma when it hit me.
She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."
I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck walks into a bar
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No, and if you ask me that again I'll nail your beak to the bar!!
Got any nails?
No!
Got any bread?
Did you hear about the duck that got arrested?
He was caught smoking quack
Autocorrect walks into a bar
DUCK!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Duck calls concierge
and says can you thend up thome condomths to my room" and concierge said "want me to put it on your bill?" and Donald said "are you thucking thtupid I'll thuffocate"
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...
It's a furry, cuz ducks shouldn't be talking
What do you call a video of a duck?
A ducktape
The big duck
A man at an airport see a guy with a giant duck on leash
He asks : "Wow, where did you find this ?"
"Well, i found a magic lamp with a genie that granted me one wish, i can let you try it"
So the other guy grabs the lamp and starts to rub it
A genie come out : "I grant you one wish"
" incredible, I wish for a billion !"
Suddenly, a pillion appeared.
"But this is not what i asked for !"
And the other guy says "You really think i asked for a big duck ?"
What souns does a mexican duck make?
Guac
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into the Doctor's office
A guy walks into the Doctor's office with a duck on his head.
The Doctor looks at him and says "So what seems to be the problem?"
The duck says "Get this guy off my a**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman
Have you got any bread
Barman: no sorry
Duck: have you got any bread
Barman: no
Duck: have you got any bread
Barman: look I haven't got any bread and if you ask again I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar
Duck: got any nails?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?
Give a man a duck, and he'll eat for a night.
Teach a man to duck, and he'll avoid low-flying objects.
My wife went to the cinema with her friends
My wife went to the cinema with her friends last night and left me in charge of our two year old son.
She called me when she got there and said, "Is Jack ok?"
"He's absolutely fine," I replied, "He's in the bath at the moment, you've got nothing to worry about."
"Is he playing with his little yellow duck?" she asked.
I said, "I don't know, I can't see him from the pub."
An assassin is running towards Trump
His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts Mickey Mouse . This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.
Trump turns to his bodyguard and says Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse The bodyguard replies Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.
What do you call an animal that's part Frog, part Duck, part Elephant and part Rhino?
Fuckephino
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.
The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have b**... sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car c**... at the intersection. I want to dip.'
