duck Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious duck puns

My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

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Here's a tip! If your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck", don't bother correcting it...

It's still fowl language.

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A husband comes home to his wife

with a duck in his hands and says "This is the pig I've been fucking"

The wife says "That's not a pig that's a duck"

The husband says "I wasn't talking to you"

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A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"

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(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

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What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

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Secret Service no longer yells Get down, Mr President any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell Donald, duck

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Bill Withers Duck joke

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Leave it in the oven till it's Bill Withers.

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Where do duck farts come from?

Their buttquacks.

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What do ducks smoke?

Qwack

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If someone tries to shoot the President...

The Secret Service will have to yell "Donald duck!"

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A duck walks into a bar...

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: No mate, this is a bar

Duck: Got any bread ?

Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.

Duck: Got any nails?

Barman: No.

Duck: Got any bread?

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A duck walks into a bar...

And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.

The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."

A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"

The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."

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What will the secret service yell when something is hurtling towards the president?

Donald duck!

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À duck waddles into the drug store.

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Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover up their butt quacks.

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Donald Duck wanted a divorce for Daisy

His lawyer tells Donald, "I am sorry, but you can't divorce Daisy just because she is insane."

Donald replies, "I never said she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy."

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A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road & says

"Don't do it mate. You'll never hear the fucking end of it".

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Having a duck orgy at my house...

If anyone wants to come on down.

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What do you call a mouse on 2 legs

Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"

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Did you know the Secret Service is no longer allowed to say "GET DOWN!" when the President is getting attacked?

Now they're required to say "Donald, duck!"

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What did the duck say to the prostitute?

Put it on my bill.

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A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".

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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until its bill withers.

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A man comes home to his wife holding a duck

He says "This is the pig I've been screwing."

His wife responds "That's a duck, you moron."

To which he retorts "I wasn't talking to you."

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A duck sees a pig eating something.

"What are you eating?"

"A chocolate cake"

"Why does it smell like shit then?"

"I'm eating it for the third time"

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There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see?

His but-quack.

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My wife came home with a duck under her arm...

"This is the pig I've been fucking" she said

"That is a duck, not a pig" I replied

"I'm not talking to you"

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A duck orders a condom, at a hotel...

The man at the front desk asks, "Would you like me to put this on your bill, sir?"

The duck replies, "No, what sort of pervert do you think I am?!"

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A Duck walks into a bar

He goes up to the bar and the barman asks what he's having.

Duck: "you got any bread?"

Barman: "no, we only serve drinks"

Duck: "Oh, have you got any bread?"

Barman: " I just said, no"

Duck: "OK, have you got any bread?"

Barman: "Look, if you ask for bread again I'll nail your beak to the fucking bar"

Duck: "Oh OK. Have you got any nails?"

Barman: "No?"

Duck: " Good. You got any bread?"

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The bodyguards of the POTUS used to shout "Get down, Mr. president!" during assassination attempts

Now they just say "Donald, duck"

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The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."

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The secret service used to yell "Get Down" whenever the president was in immediate danger

Now they yell "Donald Duck!"

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Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped?

An abduction.

I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.

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What are the most funny Duck jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Duck? Well, here are the best Duck dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Duck pick up lines to share with friends.

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