Dublin Jokes

What are some Dublin jokes?

Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

Why are the Irish so rich?

Their capital is always Dublin. Hehe

Why does Ireland have the fastest growing economy in the world?

Because its capital is Dublin all the time!

Why is Ireland the richest country in the world?

...her capital has been Dublin for years

What country's Capital has the fastest growing population in the world?

Ireland. Everyday it's Dublin.

Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

Ireland's population is out of control

It keeps Dublin and Dublin

Did you hear about the country with the fastest growing capital?

It's Ireland - every day it's Dublin.

A teacher asks her class

to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said that anybody kind enough to give up their meal would receive unlimited free drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, "If anybody is hungry, we still have 80 dinners available".

DRINKING BUDDIES

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

Ireland is the fastest growing country

Their population is Dublin every day.

An Irishman goes into a bar and orders three beers.

He takes a sip out of one beer, then the second, then the third, then he starts over and repeats until they're all gone. Next week he comes in and orders another three beers. The bartender says, "If you like I can bring them to you one at a time, then they won't sit there getting warm." The Irishman says, "No, these are in honor of me and my brothers back in Dublin. The three of us used to go drinking together every Friday, and when I left I promised I'd carry on the tradition. This goes on every week for months, until one Friday night the guy shuffles in looking kind of glum. The bartender brings him his usual three beers, but the guy hands one back and says, "Only two from now on, I'm afraid." The bartender gets all concerned and says, "Gosh, did something happen to one of your brothers?" The guy says, "No, they're fine, it's me. My doctor told me I had to quit drinkin'."

Why is Ireland so rich?

Because their capital is always Dublin.

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.

When will the madness end?

Two men sitting at a bar...

Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey! The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, Well I'll be, by chance do you come from Ireland?
I do sir! A round for me and my fellow countryman! The bartender pours the pair a shot each. The second man looks at the first and says, By chance, did you happen to live near Dublin?
Aye Sir, born and raised there! Another round Bartender! exclaimed the first. Downing the whiskey together, the first looks at the second and says, As unlikely as it seems, by chance you didn't go to St. John's College in Dublin did you?
Jesus Mary and Joseph I did sir! Another two for my friend and me! A regular walks into the bar and sits down next to the pair. The bartender pours him his usual beer and the man asks, How's the bar doing tonight, anything new going on? The bartender replies, Nothing new pal, just the O'Malley brothers drunk again.

An Irishman is new to town.

He walks into the local pub and sits at the bar he order three pints of Guiness. All at once. He sits at the bar drinking the three pints alone. The bartender thinks it is strange but doesn't ask questions. This happens every week for a few months until curiosity get the better of the barkeep and he asks about the three pints of Guiness.

The Irishman answers, "one is for my brother in Dublin, one is for my brother is Kilkenny, and the other is for me. I miss them terribly and I like to think I'm having a pint with them as if we were together back at home."

After about a year of this routine the barkeep sees the Iriashman come in and starts to pour the three pints. The Irishman interrupts, "Just two today." And he sits at the bar and drinks only two beers.

The barkeep is very concerned and after a few weeks of this finally asks, "Are your brothers are they okay, was there a death?"

"Oh no, nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."

The capital of Ireland is the world's fastest growing city..

It's Dublin every year.

So many Irish twins being born these days

the numbers just keep Dublin up.

Yo momma's so fat

...that the city of Dublin was named after her daily weight gain.

One night at a pub . . .

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time."

The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me."

The bartender is touched, and says, "What a great custom!"

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way.

One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal."

The Irishman says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I just joined the Mormon Church, and I had to quit drinking."

Donald Trump must be irish....

Because when he's president the national debt is Dublin


I'll show myself out

There's these two Irish guys...

And it's St. Patty's Day, so the two are getting blasted. In their drunken stupor, they strike up a conversation.

The first Irishman goes, "Hey there Laddie, where are ya from?"

The second one replies, "Oh me? I'm straight from Ireland!"

The first Irishman smiles brightly, "NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"

The two Irishmen down their drinks and keep chatting.

"Well, where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin!"

"NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"

Again, they down their drinks as their excitement (and drunkenness) increase.

"Well, did you know Ol' Johnny Brennan?!?"

"He was one of my best friends!"

"NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"

While the two Irishmen are finishing their drinks, another partron comes and sits at the bar. When the bartender comes over, the newcomer says, "How's it going Mickey!"

Mickey, the bartender, replies, "Pretty good, pretty good. The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

The gay marriage referendum was just passed in Ireland.

The number of married gay Irish couples will be Dublin.

Helping The Doctor

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in!
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

Did you guys hear that Ireland has the fastest growing economy in the world?

Yeah, their capital is always Dublin

Which country's capital has the fastest population growth?

Ireland, because it's always Dublin.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man...

Are on a plane and the pilot comes out and issues everyone a challange, "if you can guess where we are by sticking your hand out of the window ill give you 50 grand" the Scottish man quickly jumps up and sticks his hand out of the window "we are in Dundee" he guessed, the pilot shakes his head. Then the Irish man trys "we are in Dublin" he guesses, again the pilot shakes his head, then the English man steps up, "we are in Liverpool" he says, shocked the pilot answers "Yes! Thats right, but how did you know?" The English man replies "because my watch has been stolen"

Three tourists are having a drink in an expensive bar in Times Square

They're all astounded by the prices of the drinks.

One of the tourists says, "back in my favorite bar in Liverpool, every time you ordered a beer, you'd get another one on the house!"

The tourist from Ireland says, "that's impressive but back in my favorite pub in Dublin, every time you ordered a beer, you'd get a beer and a shot of whiskey on the house!"

Not to be outdone, the tourist from Poland says, "that's nothing. Back in Warsaw, not only were the drinks free but they took you to a room in the back where you had sex!"

The other two tourists are amazed, they say, "that's incredible! That really happened to you?"

The Polish tourist says, "well, not to me but to my sister."

The largest city in the world is...

Dublin.

Because it keeps on Dublin and Dublin

Texan in Ireland

A wealthy Texan is in a pub in Dublin and notices all the locals downing pint after pint of Guinness.

He makes an announcement."I'll gladly give $500 to any man who can drink 10 pints of that beer without stopping"

Everyone backs away from the bar and one man leaves the pub, altogether.
About 15 minutes later, the man who left the pub returns and says "I'll take you up on that challenge"

The bar keep lines up 10 pints of Guinness and everyone watches as the Irishman downs each one, hardly stopping to take a breath.

"Wow that was amazing!" exclaims the Texan "here's your money... but tell me one thing...why did you leave when I first made the offer?"

The Irishman wiped off his chin and said "I went to another pub to make sure I could do it."

What's the difference between Bono and God?

God doesn't walk around Dublin pretending he's Bono

A Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

Heard this in Dublin yesterday.

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

Did you hear about that brilliant Irish investor?

His money just keeps Dublin

Another Irish Joke

Two men are sitting at a bar in New York. Bartender walks up and says "What will ya have?" At the same time the two men say "A pint of Guinness." They look at each other and one says "You look familiar, are you from Ireland?" The man replies "Yes, Yes I am, from Dublin actually." The other man replies "Me too! What town!?"
The man says "I'm from Belcamp." The other man replies "Me too! What street?"
Man replies "Clonshaugh Road." The other man again replies "I grew up on Clonshaugh Road!"

So the two men carry on drinking and laughing and talking about the old country for a few hours and then go on their way. The evening manager eventually shows up and sees the bar empty. He asks the bartender if it has been slow. The bartender replies "We haven't had any customers yet except for the O'Brien twins."

Paddy Quits Drinking

An irishman walks in to a pub in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The barman says: 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. Wouldn't it be better to buy one at a time?'
And the Irishman replies: 'Well you see, I have 2 brothers. One lives in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we left home we promised that we'd drink this way, to remember the good old days when we could drink together.'
The barman is quite touched.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the pub, always drinking the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. But one day, he comes in looking a bit sad and orders just two pints. The regulars notice and fall silent, When he comes back to the bar for another round, the barman says:
'Look, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I know we all want to offer condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment then he laughs. 'Oh no,'he says, Γ©veryone's fine. I've decided to quit drinking."

Did you know that Ireland is the richest country in the world?

It's capital has been Dublin for a long time.

What do you call a secret agent from Ireland?

Dublin 07

Why is everyone investing in Ireland?

... because the capital is always Dublin!

An Irishman walks into a bar.

An Irishman walks into a bar. The bartender says "Where you from?"

Irishman says "Dublin"

Bartender: "oh really?"

Irishman: "No, O'Reilly."

Billy asks his mate Paddy what is quickest way from Dublin to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you going on foot or in the car?"

Billy replies: "In the car."

"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

Why is it so expensive to live in Ireland?

Cause they keep *Dublin* the taxes.

Did you know that the capital of Ireland had the maximum growth of Europe?

It's Dublin every year

Have you ever seen a ghost?

An expert in psychic phenomena is giving a conference to a group in Dublin. The speaker asks, "If I may be so bold, has anyone here ever seen a ghost?"

Some people raise their hands. "Good" he says. "Now, has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Again, a few people raise their hands. "Excellent. I see we have an experienced group! But... Has anyone here ever had sex with a ghost?"

One little man at the back raises his hand. Intrigued, the speaker says, "Good grief! Do you mean to say you've actually had sex with a ghost?"

"Oh, a ghost?" says the man, "I thought you said a GOAT."

Patty O'Mally

So Patty O'Mally is running late to an extremely important meeting in downtown Dublin. He has been driving around and around for blocks and can not find a parking space. He is feeling panicky and anxious. Finally in desperation, he cries out to the Lord in Heaven, "Dear God! Please help me find a parking space so I can getto this meeting on time, please please help me! If you help me, I will do anything, in fact I promise to always go to church every Sunday and I swear to quit drinking Irish whiskey for the rest of me days." As he finished his devout prayer, lo and behold, a parking space opens up. Patty quickly takes the spot and shouts to Heaven, "Never mind Lord, I found a space!"

Three Universities ...

Three Universities all done research into why a mans bell end is shaped the way it is.
Oxford Uni spent Β£100,000 in 6 months and came to the conclusion it is for the pleasure of the woman.
Cambridge Uni spent Β£250,000 in 18 months and came to the conclusion its for the pleasure of the man.
Dublin Uni spent 50 pence in 5 minutes and came to the conclusion its to stop your hand flying off the end.

What city grows twice its population?

Dublin

Why was the Irish bank teller happy?

Because his capital's Dublin.

(hope this isn't a repost)

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another guy.

The first guy says, "That's a familiar accent you got there, where ya from?"

The other guy says "I'm Irish".

First guy says "I'm Irish too! Where did you live in Ireland?"

The second guy says "Dublin".

First guy:"Me too! When did you graduate?"

SG:"1978. What about you?"

FG:"I graduated in '78 too. Where'd you go to school?"

SG:"Saint Mary's. and you?"

FG"I went to Saint Mary's too!"

About that time, a new person walks into the bar. says to the bartender, "What's goin on?"

The bartender says, "oh nothing much, the O'Reilly brothers are drunk again."

What is the biggest City in the world?

Dublin because it always Dublin and Dublin!

What do you call an Irish threesome?

Dublin up.

The Guinness Factory in Dublin Experiences a Workplace Fatality

The unhappy job of giving the news to the widow falls upon the deceased man's best friend, Gerald.

Gerald knocks on the door of his dead friend's house and Mary, the widow answers the door.

"Mary, I'm afraid there has been an accident at the factory, Tom was involved."

"My God." says Mary, "is he alright!?"

"Well, the fact is, no, he died. Drowned in one of the vats" Gerald tells Mary and she begins to cry.

"Was it at least a quick death?" Mary asked.

"As a matter of fact... no. He got out three times to pee."

What does an Irish terrorist attack and a gambling addiction have in common?

Dublin down

How can you tell that an Irish man is having a good time?

He's Dublin over with laughter

The largest city in the world is:

The largest city in the world is Dublin. That's because the size and population are always Dublin.

In Dublin, a very nervous Liam brings his girlfriend to meet his father for the first time.

Liam (to father): This is Amanda

Father: A fooking WHAT!?

Due to the hot weather and water shortage in Ireland

The Dublin swimming baths are closing lanes 7 & 8

Have you heard about the population of Ireland?

It's Dub-lin!

came from my uncle: Why is the capitol of Ireland growing so fast?

because the population is always Dublin.

Potato Clocks.

Colin walks into the largest watch, clock and timepiece store in Dublin and after a bit of browsing, calls the shopkeeper over...

"Where d'ya keep your potato clocks?"

The shopkeeper laughs, "Potato clocks?! Are you messin' with me? I will tell you that we sell alarm clocks and grandfather clocks, and mantel clocks and hour-glasses, cuckoo clocks, sundials, and electric clocks and quartz clocks, digital clocks, solar clocks, and even Mickey Mouse clocks, but in all my years, I have never heard tell of a POTATO clock!"

Colin shakes his head and says, "I don't know...but after years of unemployment, I'm finally startin' a new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife says 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"

Did you know that Dublin is the biggest city in the world?

It just keeps dublin and dublin

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."

Of which city does the number of refugees double in every year?

Dublin

The population of Ireland keeps expanding exponentially

It just keeps Dublin and Dublin

My friends Irish wife stayed with him after he cheated on her. Everyone told her she was a fool.

But I guess she was just Dublin down.

Did you know that Dublin, CA has the fastest growing population of all time?

The populations always Dublin'. :D

With it being Saint Patrick's Day, I have an important question for all of you. You all know why there are two Irelands right?

Many people say it's because of religious and Political beliefs, but I always like to think it's because Ireland wanted to Dublin size.

Did you hear the joke about the Irish city?

You'll be Dublin over in laughter when you do.

What do you call Irish James Bond?

Dublin O'Seven!

What's the Irishs favorite blackjack option?

Dublin down.

Just in time for St Patrick's Day a new gay bar opened in Dublin....

It's called "Sodom and Begorrah"

What's the wealthiest country in the world?

Ireland, because it's capital is always Dublin.

Since their move to Ireland. Apple's profits have been Dublin.

As well as Google, Amazon, Facebook, Intel, IBM, Paypal, eBay, Twitter and many more...

Why are there so many people in Ireland?

Cos' they keep Dublin and Dublin and Dublin...

What's the difference between Bono and Jesus?

Jesus didn't walk around Dublin acting like he's Bono.

How to make Dublin jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Dublin to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Dublin? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Dublin pick up lines to share with friends.

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