Dry Jokes

160 dry jokes and hilarious dry puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dry that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Short Dry Jokes
Dry One Liners
Wet Dry Jokes
Dry Cleaning Jokes
Dry Skin Jokes
Dry Mouth Jokes
More Dry Jokes

Funniest Dry Short Jokes

Short dry jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dry humour may include short rain jokes also.

A girl walks into a dry cleaner She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years... the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
My wife says the salad I make tend to be a bit on the dry side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.
A German walks into a bar and says, "can I have a martini please?"
"Dry?"
"No, just one."
This year I'm on a crusade to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes It's about raisin awareness
Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit. On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events.
My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine. I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"
[first day as a bartender] Customer: I'll have a martini, dry Me: [staring at all the liquid ingredients] I don't know how to tell you this
A young woman walks into a dry cleaner She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"

She responds, "No, it's yogurt"

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Dry One Liners

Which dry one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dry? I can suggest the ones about wash and drought.

What's the leading cause of dry skin ...towel
Credits:dads
What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet? Gum
Your favorite drink must be ginger ale..... cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.
I love dry erase boards. They're remarkable.
I just got a new dry erase board it's remarkable!
If you leave a grape out in the sun, it'll shrivel and dry up... Just raisin awareness
2 Germans in a bar in London \- 2 Martinis, please.
\- Dry?
\- NEIN! ZWEI!
How do dried fish greet each other? «Long time, no sea»
What do you call a Hispanic with a vascetomy? A dry Martinez.
WHY DO COWS LIE DOWN IN THE RAIN? TO KEEP EACH UDDER DRY.
Why did the squirrel cross the river on his back? Too keep his nuts dry.
I enjoy working in a slaughterhouse.. Everything is so cut and dry.
What do you do if your eyes are dry? Moisturise
What did the two dried fish say to each other? "Hey! Long time, no sea."
What do you call a fish out of water? Dry!
As told by my 3 year old son.

Wet Dry Jokes

Here is a list of funny wet dry jokes and even better wet dry puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I know I'm getting old because... I'm having dry dreams and wet farts
The other day a girl asked me if I like b**... or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed p**... with thin lips... So I got kicked out of KFC.
What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet? Chewing gum.
FINALLY! BLONDE MEN JOKES: A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers "Yes but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair and I just wet mine."
What becomes more wet the more it dries? Me after doing the dishes. I love cleaning.
What does 100% humidity mean? Even dry farts feel like wet farts.
Getting wet in the rain makes me sad... I had to run fast. I'd either escape the storm in time or cry drying.
What is pink , goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet ? Bubble gum.
You know you are getting old

When you have dry dreams and wet farts!
What goes in head first and dry and then comes out wet and smelling like a fish? A scuba diver.

Dry Cleaning Jokes

Here is a list of funny dry cleaning jokes and even better dry cleaning puns that will make you laugh with friends.

A man goes to the dry cleaner's and says, Hey buddy, can I get this dress cleaned? Dry cleaner guy, taking off his earphones: Come again?
Man: No, mustard.
What's the difference between Trump and Bill Clinton? Trump paid her $130k, Bill didn't even pay for dry-cleaning
A man went to a laundry service He drop his set of pants for dry cleaning.
As he was leaving, the clerk says "come again"
He turns around and said "Nope, this time its mayonaisse"
My favourite jokes are one liners about launderettes What can I say, I love dry clean humour.
Why did Mr. Potato Head's dry cleaning service go out of business? He always used too much starch.
Woman goes to dry cleaners to clean her clothes, the lady at the counter says come again Woman: No its toothpaste this time.
Chinese brothers opened a dry cleaning service in town... Two Wongs *can* make it white.
Monica Lewinski walks into the dry cleaners She says, "I have another dress for you to clean."
The owner who is slightly hard of hearing replies, "Come again?"
"Oh no, it's just mustard"
How do you wash a waterproof rain jacket? Dry clean it
What is the funniest clean but sounds dirty joke that you know? Example:
What is pink, hard and dry when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out?
Bubblegum

Dry Skin Jokes

Here is a list of funny dry skin jokes and even better dry skin puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Doctors don't want you to know the real #1 cause of dry skin: Towels
What's the leading cause of dry skin? A towel
What causes dry skin? Towels!
A New research shows us that the main cause of dry skin is.... Towels.
The leading cause of dry skin Towels
A dry fact Towels are the leading cause of dry skin
My friend doesn't like to talk about her dry skin… She'd rather just sweep it under the carpet
What does a Dr. Who fan say when he has dry skin? EXFOLIATE
Researchers have found the leading cause of dry skin. Towels
I've dry skin & a friend suggested that I use Shea Butter, but I can't do that Cuz I'm Sunni.

Dry Mouth Jokes

Here is a list of funny dry mouth jokes and even better dry mouth puns that will make you laugh with friends.

What goes in mouth dry and hard and come out soft and sticky? Chewing gum
My mouth so dry... Eli Whitney walk up on me while I'm yawning and invent the cotton gin.
Cancer changes things. If you really love her.. You'll put up with dry-mouth blow jobs.
What's hard and dry at first but once out in a mouth turns soft, wet and sticky? Gum
I sneezed and I just ripped the blood cot out of my wisdom tooth hole. Mouth full of blood. Dry socket here we COME...joke iz on me
"Do you like dry, salty peanuts in your mouth?" "I sure do. With ketchup."
"What are you, a gay starfish?!"

Amusing & Witty Dry Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun

What funny jokes about dry you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dryer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dry pranks.

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.

She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"
"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."

Source: 1913 newspaper

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!
Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

A Roman walks into a bar..

..and asks for a dry martinus.
"Surely you mean a martini," asks the bartender.
"If I want a double I'll ask for it, you plebeian s**...," replies the roman.

Do you know why women f**... after they pee?

They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.

"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied
"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said
"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"

A woman walks into a dry cleaner...

and says "I've got another dress for you"
The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, reply "come again?"
The woman responds with "No this time its mustard"

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".
The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".
"No. This time it's mayonnaise"

Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty...

..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says "I need to get this cleaned" to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies "come again?", Lindsay responds "No, mustard".

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner.

"Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.
"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.
"No, mustard," Monica replies

Former president Clinton

Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit,
"I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?"
The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?"
"No, it was mustard this time."

a policeman calls for backup

Dispatch, we've got a h**... here. Looks like This old lady just shot her husband. She claims it was because he kept tracking dirt over her freshly mopped floors. Over
Understood, is the suspect in custody? Over.
No dispatch. The floor isn't dry yet.

I've found dry erase boards to be remarkable.

A German tourist jumped into a freezing river to save my dog.

After he climbed out, he said. "Here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine."
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet?" He said. "I'm b**... soaking."

Dry Cleaning

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard this time."

A girl walks into a dry cleaner

She goes inside to drop off her blouse. Before she leaves the owner says, "Come again!". The girl replied, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Dry cleaners.

A hot blond walks into a Dry cleaners. She tells the teller "I need to get a stain removed from my sweater. The teller being a little hard of hearing asks "Come again?" To which she replied " No, its mustard."

A blonde drops off her dress at the dry cleaners,

The dry cleaner says come again
The blonde says it's toothpaste this time

What gets wetter the more you dry it?

A woman with a towel f**...

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks "Dry?"

The German replies "Nein, just one."

How do you trap an elephant?

Well first you dig a really big hole. Then put dry leaves and wood in the hole and light them on fire. Wait for the fire to go out. Then cover the hole with leaves and wait for the elephant to walk by it.
Then, sneak up behind the elephant, and when it least expects it, kick it in the ash hole

A German asks for a martini…

"Dry?" asks the bartender.
The German, confused: "No, just one."

A husband and wife celebrate their 30th anniversary

That night, the wife comes out of the bathroom n**... and starts playing with her n**....
"What did you think the first time you saw these 30 years ago?"
"I wanna to s**... them dry," he says.
She crawls onto the bed, "What did you think when you saw all this 30 years ago?"
"I wanted to screw your brains out, baby," he says with a smile.
She giggles, teasingly, "What are you thinking now?"
"I think I did a pretty good job at both."

How many dubstep fans does it take to wash a car?

One hundred and one. Two to wash it, one to dry it, and ninety eight to talk about how dirty it was.

2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a c**... and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

Monica Lewinsky walks into a cleaners....

with a dress and yells at the old owner who is hard of hearing
"I need to dry clean my dress"
The owner cups his hand next to his ear
"come again"
"No it's ketchup this time"

So a guy asks me why I've been letting my grapes dry out...

and so I told him "I have my raisins."

What do you call a cow...

...w/ no legs? Ground beef.
...w/ 1 leg? Stake.
...w/ 2 legs? Lean beef.
...w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip.
...w/ 4 legs? A cow, you d**....
...w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes.
...w/ 5 legs? Chernobull.
...w/ no hind legs? An udder drag.
...w/ a twitch? Beef jerky.
I could keep going but I've milked this joke dry

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of w**... each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.
One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint s**...."

A series of cow jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartender asks "dry?"

The German says "Nein, just one"

leather quality ratings

Leather is rated based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have softer hides, rated A . But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically D Hide-Rated.

Getting Drunk

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."
His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."
"Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

A woman smiling

Not my joke but wanted to post it here. A bit dry but I find it funny.
At a bar a woman keeps smiling at a man. Finally the man walk over to her.
Man: I would like to ask you to come over to my place.
Woman: Are you trying to pick me up?
Man: No. I'm a dentist.

GRANDPA'S CONDOMS

An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'
Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'
The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'

Took a Cab Home

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.

A dslexic man walked into a bra.

His wife's washing was hanging out to dry and he wasn't looking where he was going. The man's dyslexia was admittedly pretty irrelevant to the event.

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the p**...
in long relationship you gently remove the p**...
in marriage you wash and dry the p**.... then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replies Moses, "that was before you got those holes in your feet..."

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"

Chemistry joke about dry ice.

There are two guys: Bob and Steve. Bob is carving "Drink Coke" into a block of dry ice. Steve asks "why are you carving drink coke into that block of dry ice?" Bob replies "I just heard about this thing called subliminal advertising and I thought I would give it a try."

Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.

One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!

A lady goes into the dry cleaners

Lady: "I was wondering if you could get this stain out of my blouse"
The Clerk: "Come again?"
Lady: "No, this time it's just yogurt"

German spies

During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"

I tried to be a tap dancer

but I kept falling in the sink!
(thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)

A woman walks into a dry cleaners....

She says to the guy at the counter "Hopefully you have the expertise to apply a suitable chemical procedure to eliminate this unsightly blemish from my favourite frock."
He says, "Come again?"
She says, "No, it's mayonnaise this time."

My 4 yo sister came to me and told this joke?

Why didn't the ocean dry up?
Because it didn't have a towel.

How did the german spy get caught?

He went into a pub in London and ordered two whiskeys.
The bartender asked him: "Dry?"
To which he replied: "Nein, zwei"

How do camels have s**... in the desert?

They dry h**....

A German man walked into a bar

He waved at the bartender saying "Ja, can I get a martini?"
"Dry?" the bartender asked
"No, just one for now."

My wife has really dry skin

My wife has really dry skin so I asked my doctor what I could do about it.
He said, "Give her a milk bath."
I said, "Pasteurized?"
The doctor replied, "No, just up to her knees will do."

Two germans visit France in the early 50s

Two germans are visiting Paris in the early 50s. They want to order drinks, but they don't want to be thought of as germans, since it's post-WW2. So they practice their english accent for their order. Once it's ready, they go at the bar.
"Hello barman, may we have two martinis ?" asked one of the german.
"Dry ?" asked the barman.
"NEIN, ZWEI !"

Prisoner's Christmas Song

*You better watch out*
*You better not cry*
*You better not pout*
*I'm going in dry*

My friend told me I don't understand irony.

Which is ironic, because we were in a dry cleaner at the time.

My friend wants to read the Dune books because he heard they're really good.

I heard they're a little dry.

Why Santa got involved with Christmas

Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone:
Santa: Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I'd love to see how you trimmed your (fir) … I just want to unload my (sack) when I see an angel on top.
Now, every year he has to keep doing the b**... lie he told.

I like the way you think

Roses are red. nuts are brown.
Skirts go up. pants go down.
Body to body. skin to skin.
When it's stiff. stick it in.
It goes in dry. It comes out wet.
The longer it's in. The stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping. And it starts to sag.
It's not what you think. It's a tea bag.

A woman walks into the dry cleaners...

Clerk: Hello ma'am, what can we do for you?
Woman: I would like to drop off my coat.
Clerk: Ok, what would you like us to do with it?
Woman: I would like you to get the stain out of the collar area.
Clerk: Come again?
Woman: No, it's mustard this time.

What do you call a Camel in a drought?

A dry h**....