Drunk Jokes
179 drunk jokes and hilarious drunk puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drunk that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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- Short Drunk Jokes
- Drunk One Liners
- Drunk Man Jokes
- Drunk Guy Jokes
- Drunk And Drive Jokes
- Drunk Driver Jokes
- More Drunk Jokes
Funniest Drunk Short Jokes
Short drunk jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drunk humour may include short hungover jokes also.
- What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
- How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You say "Please get out of the pool."
- C and C++ walk into a bar... After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"
- A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!
"No," slurs the mathematician...
I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12. - 10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
- My dad was always drunk when I was a kid The punchline?
It was my mom, then my sister, then me - I told myself I should stop drinking... But I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
- Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car - A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?" "For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube) - Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night. Who is the australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
Rihanna, mate.
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Drunk One Liners
Which drunk one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drunk? I can suggest the ones about drinker and intoxicated.
- A lion would never drive while drunk. But a tiger wood.
- How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? "Please Get Out The Pool"
- Why are ghost always drunk? They're full of booooooos.
- There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk Up
- I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur.
- Drunk man: "Is life worth living?" well, it depends on the liver.
- How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots.
- What do you call a drunk women? An uber so she can get home safe
- What does my dad do when he's drunk and bored? Beats me
- Childhood is like getting drunk.. ... everyone remembers what you did except you.
- I'm pretty sober. But I'm prettier drunk.
- Three things that never lie..... Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants
- Where does a Muslim go to get drunk? The Allahuak Bar
- What is a drunk Mexican's favourite book? Tequila Mockingbird.
- What does a cop and a dj have in common They both tell drunk people to put their hands up
Drunk Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny drunk man jokes and even better drunk man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two drunk friends were talking in a bar. Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.
Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?
Man 1: Since yesterday. - "I'm sorry, Your Highness, but we can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again!" said the King's man. The King, who was drunk, replied, "Let the horses try."
- A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night... He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
"Drunk again?!" she asks.
He chuckles and says "Hey, me too." - A man and a Giraffe walk into a bar. The Giraffe gets drunk and falls on the floor unconscious.
The bartender says "you can't leave that lyin' there."
The man says "its not a Lion, its a Giraffe" - A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?" "For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?" - Two men walk out of a bar, both are drunk and ready to fight! One draws a line in the dirt and says to the other man, "If you cross this line i will punch you!"
That was the punchline. - A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911 - 911?
- Yes
- Well, now you're 910. - Got home and into bed steaming drunk last night, and the wife was furious. She said I wasn't the man she married. I knew exactly what she meant. I live next door.
- My wife has left me for another man All that lies ahead is a miserable, pointless and lonely existence.
And while he's going through that I'll be down the pub every night getting drunk. - Confucius say..... Confucius say man drunk in cemetery make grave mistakes
Drunk Guy Jokes
Here is a list of funny drunk guy jokes and even better drunk guy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the guy who wandered into a vampires-only bar? He got drunk.
- I was walking home and saw some drunk guy trying to steal someones gate... I was gonna say something, but I din't want him to take a fence.
- A drunk homeless guy wanted to fight me yesterday As soon as he kicked me and lost his shoe I could smell defeat.
- One I just heard. Part of me says "I can't keep drinking like this." The other part of me says "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk."
- On the holidays I got quite drunk and being responsible decided to take a taxi home It's still in my backyard what do you guys think I should do with it?
- Two drunks walk into a bar. Then the sober guy behind them laughs and walks under it.
- Great twist Wife: look at that drunk guy
Husband: who is he
Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him
Husband: oh my god he is still celebrating... - Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
That was the punchline. - A drunk guy is walking down the street... He sees this nun, runs up, and knocks her over.
He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?" - Did you hear about the guy who drunk brake fluid everyday? He's ok he can stop whenever he wants.
Drunk And Drive Jokes
Here is a list of funny drunk and drive jokes and even better drunk and drive puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I had a few drinks last night so I left my car and took a bus instead Turns out I can't drive a bus very well when I'm drunk either
- Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk? Because their wives are driving.
- Dark humor is like drunk driving It kills when you cross over the line.
- I was drunk, the landlord of the pub told me to take a bus home Turns out, I wasn't fit to drive that either.
- Driving high versus driving drunk: Drunks run stop signs. Stoners stop and wait for them to turn green.
- The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- I just realized it's much safer to drive drunk Because you see the street signs twice and you don't miss them.
- I drove home drunk last night.. ..to find my girlfriend waiting at the door.
She yelled Why are you driving half drunk?
I said, I'm sorry, I ran out of money - A lot of people text while driving. I'm not excusing it, but we've all done things we regret while we're drunk.
- Drunk driving is extremely gay. You just can't think straight.
Drunk Driver Jokes
Here is a list of funny drunk driver jokes and even better drunk driver puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a high and drunk driver? The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.
- What do you call an intoxicated golfer? A drunk driver.
- What is the difference between a drunk driver and a high driver? The drunk driver will blow through a stop sign without even knowing it was there..
The high driver will wait until it turns green - Why are drunk drivers the best voters? Because they always hit the poles.
- Something to consider if you have a program that keeps crashing. Maybe it has a drunk Driver?
- What Do Drunk Drivers And Pokémon Go Have In Common (OC) Frequent crashes
- A policeman stops a car after suspecting the driver of being heavily drunk Officer: how high are you ?
The driver: no officer , it's " hi , how are you?" - The day I can't do my job drunk is the day I hand over my keys today was my last day as a school bus driver
- A drunk driver gets pulled over A drunk driver gets pulled over by a cop
The cop asks him "how high are you?"
The drunk driver then says "isn't it supposed to be hi, how are you?" - I got really wasted and decided that uber was the way to go But according to the police taxi's only work for drunk people when they AREN'T the driver
Hilarious Fun Drunk Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about drunk you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean getting wasted jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drunk pranks.
Two whales walk into a bar.
"AAAAOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOAAAAAA, AOUUUUUUAAAA OOOOO," says the first whale.
The second whale replies, "Shut up, Steve, you're drunk."
Drunk in confession booth.
A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
What's the difference between a drunk driver and a s**... driver?
A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A s**... driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
A boy and his dad.
A boy and his dad are walking through the streets
boy: "What does the word drunk mean?"
dad: "Well, for example, do you see those two policemen over there? if you were drunk you would think there are four policemen over there."
boy: "But dad there is only one policeman over there!"
A drunk is walking around downtown...
When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."
Two old drunks
I was sitting in a bar with my friend and I noticed two old drunks across the bar from us. I laughed and said, "That's us in ten years." My friend replied, "That's a mirror, d**...."
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
Two drunks are crawling on the railroad.
One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"
"No worries, I see an elevator coming."
Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley
In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."
I was in a bar when...
I was in a bar in London throwing back brewski's when these two larger women walked in. They both had strong accents so I asked.
*"Are you two ladies from Scotland?"*
One of the ladies turned to me and said,
*"It's Wales you idiot"*
I must've been so drunk that I didn't notice so, I immediately apologized and said,
*"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"*
Don't remember much else.
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"
Daddy, what's it like being drunk?
A little girl goes up to her dad and asks "Daddy, what does it feel like being drunk?" "Well," the father replies "You see those 2 telephone poles over there in the distance?" he says, pointing in the direction of the poles. "A drunk person would see 4 telephone poles there." The little girl, confused, replies "But daddy, there is only one telephone pole over there"
are you sure I'm drunk?
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
You're riding a horse, a giraffe is running next to you and a lion is chasing you. What do you do?
Get your drunk as off the carousel.
It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..."
"...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."
Three drunk guys get into a taxi.
The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"
An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin
While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.
Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "g**...!"
The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"
A drunk walks up to a guy...
A drunk walks up to a guy. says to him, " I am God."
The guy says," Go away, you are drunk."
"I can prove it to you, if you want" said the drunk.
"O really! Then prove it."
The drunk went up to a door and knocked on it thrice, three times. The door opened, and a woman came out,
"Oh God, not you again. Go away!"
Got Drunk
Went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising
as I have never driven a bus before.
A drunk guy walks out of a bar
There's a cop outside who asks him, "What's your name, son?"
The drunk guys answers, "I'm Jesus Christ!"
Cop says, "You are not Jesus Christ. What's your name?"
Drunk guy replies, "I'll prove it. Follow me." The cop follows him back into the bar.
As they enter, the bartender yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you back again?!"
Drunk guys turns to cop and says, "See?"
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
A drunk guy calls a radio station...
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...
and says to them:
"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"
Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"
A drunk man
A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol a**... & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"
Man: "My Wife"!!!
Getting drunk
at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for o**....
I was at a party...
I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was s**... assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody is going to s**... assault a girl...not on my watch.
My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....
....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.
A drunk walks up to two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not." The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."
The second priest gives the same answer.
The drunk glares at them for a second. "Look I can prove it. Follow me." He leads them to a bar and walks inside. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Jesus Christ, you're here again?!"
A drunk walks into a library...
He goes up to the desk and slurs: I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.
The librarian replies: Sir, this is a library!
***whispers*** Sorry, I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.
Guy wakes up to breakfast in bed...
his lunch is made, and he notices he's late for work. Frantically, he calls work, and they let him know that his wife already called to let them know he would be late.
He asks his son what happened that his mom was so happy. The son says "Dad, you came home drunk last night, and mom brought you to bed, and when she tried to take your shirt off, you said 'Get off me lady, I'm married!"
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look s**......
...so I got drunk.
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
I took the bus home when I was drunk yesterday
Unfortunately they made me give it back today
Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?
Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was s**..., took drugs and was drunk all the time?
Mom: No, Never!
Son: Well neither would he!
s**... is like Kebab. When it's good, it's really good...
...and when I'm drunk I'm willing to pay for it in a roadside turkish buffet.
Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual b**....
I hope it's me this year!
Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets n**... and licks a hammer it's "s**..." and "art"
But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"
What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish f**...?
One fewer drunk person.
I told my boyfriend that he better start treating me like a princess
So he flew me to Paris, got me drunk, and drove me into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.
Once in a bar, o**... says to another... "I slept with your mom last night."
The whole bar falls dead silent waiting for the second man's come back. After a while, he laughs and says... "let's go home, dad. You're drunk."
A Driver gets Pulled Over
A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."
A wife said, "Do you see that drunk guy?". The husbands said, "Yes. Who is he?". The wife said, "He proposed to me 10 years ago and I rejected him." The husband said...
"Oh my God! He's still celebrating."
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
The bro code
Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.
Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.
A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.
Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.
Society is full of double standards
For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half n**..., singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"
But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".
I got so drunk last night
I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.
A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
My drunk girlfriend asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I told her it was just staggering.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m and his wife is livid.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!
"No," slurs the mathematician I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.
What's the hardest part about getting twenty one year olds drunk?
Slipping the booze into their baby bottles without the parents noticing
A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.
The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.
The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.
The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."
Two whales walk into a bar.
They approach the bartender and the first says "WAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHHHHOOAAAAAUAUUUAUAAAAUAAUUUUAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."
The second whale turns to him and says, "Frank, you're drunk."
A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.
The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".
A drunk goes into a bar
A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"
I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."
