The Best 42 Drunks Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Drunks jokes. There are some drunks tipsy jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these drunks drunk knock knock puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Drunks Jokes and Puns

Driving home from the bar, one of the boy's was showing off his new self-driving car.

"Look" he said proudly as the car stopped automatically at an intersection.

From the back seat, one of the drunks wakes up to say: "One way or another, don't all cars stop on their own?"

Cool Customers

Two drunks are sitting at the bar staring into their drinks. 'hey cobber, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?'
'Yes, I've been married to one for 15 years'.

Is this where Frank lives ?

A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street.It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the houseflung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.

"Is this where Frank lives?" one of the drunks asked.

"Yes, it is," the woman replied.

"Well then," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so therest of us can go home?"

God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

Silly Drunks.

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice on the line.

"Nevermind," he said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."

A drunk at a bar

A drunk at a bar stands in the middle of the bar a says out loud: Everyone to my left are stupid, and everyone to my right are idiots!
A guy to the drunks left got mad and said to him: Wait a minute, I am not stupid okay! Drunk looks at him and says: Then move to the right side of the bar you idiot!

Two Drunks and a Dog

Two extremely drunk men were stumbling toward home after leaving the bar one night. As they staggered through the backstreets they noticed a dog sitting on his front porch giving his tackle a hearty tongue bath. One of the men turns to the other and says

"You know, I wish I could to do that."

To which the second replies

"I bet if you ask him nicely he very well might let you."

Drunks joke, Two Drunks and a Dog

Two old drunks

I was sitting in a bar with my friend and I noticed two old drunks across the bar from us. I laughed and said, "That's us in ten years." My friend replied, "That's a mirror, dipshit."

Two drunks are crawling on the railroad.

One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"

"No worries, I see an elevator coming."

Two drunks are looking to get laid

After a hard night drinking so they make their way to a nearby brothel. The madam, noticing the extent of their intoxication, puts them up in two attic rooms with a couple of blow up dolls. When they meet again afterwards, one says to the other " I think my woman was dead beause she just did not move and was stone cold." The other one said " I think mine was a witch... as soon as I bit her nipple, shelets out a big fart and flies out of the window"

2 drunks meet on the street

One says "please allow me to pass between you"

The other replies "alright, just please do it one at a time"

You can explore drunks drunken reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean drunks drunker dad jokes. There are also drunks puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Two drunks are walking down the street...

...when they come across a dog, sitting on the kerb, licking it's privates.
They watch for a while before one of them says "I wish I could do that."
The other looks at him and says, "Wouldn't you like to make friends with him first?"

Two men are drinking in a bar.

One of them looks across the bar and sees two old drunks sitting at a table. He turns to his friend and says, "In ten years, that'll be us."

His friend looks and says, "That's a mirror, dumbass."

Driving high versus driving drunk: Drunks run stop signs.

Stoners stop and wait for them to turn green.

What do you call a dissection performed by drunks?

An Autipsy.

Two drunk Man

Two drunks are in a bar.

First one: "My wife is an angel"

Second one: "You are lucky! Mine is still alive."

Drunks joke, Two drunk Man

Sitting at the bar.

Sitting at the bar having a drink with a friend, I discreetly point to two old drunks sitting across from us and said "that's us in about 15 years." To which he replied...

"That's a mirror dipshit."

Three Drunks Get into a Taxi

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"

The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.

The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.

The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.

Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"

The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

Two drunks walk into a bar.

Then the sober guy behind them laughs and walks under it.

Two drunks are in a bar and one says to the other

Don't drink anymore – you're becoming blurry.

Coming back from a hockey game I heard this

Hey man which way do you shoot?
Oh you know I swing both ways.
(Courtesy of two funny drunks)

How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to swig till the room starts to spin.

Sitting in a bar having a drink with a friend..

I casually pointed at two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said "thats us in ten years"

He said "thats a mirror you dipshit"

A couple of friends are drinking at a bar

One friend spots a couple of old drunks at the end of the bar and says "that'll be us in ten years".

The other friend looks and says "That's a mirror dumbass".

God protects drunks and fools

Because smart people don't believe in him.

I resent the idea that the Irish are all violent drunks.

We're perfectly capable of violence when sober, thank you very much.

Drunks joke, I resent the idea that the Irish are all violent drunks.

You know the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk?

Alcoholics go to meetings, we drunks go to parties.

I was out drinking with a friend and saw two old drunks across the bar. I said, that's totally going to be us in 10 years.

He said, that's a mirror, dipshit.

2 old drunks

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend,

"That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit !

I pointed to 2 old drunks

sitting across from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years"
He said,"That's a mirror idiot"

There are only three things that always tell the truth!

1. Young Children
2. Drunks
3. Yoga Pants

Why doesn't Jesus spend time with Roman drunks and stoners?

He always ends up crossed.

2 drinks...

Two drunks walking along the railroad tracks ...

#1 : dude, this is the longest stairway ...

#2 : yeah, but that doesn't bug me as bad as these low hand-rails

Drunks like 4/20, too.

It's a fifth.


Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before
the devil knows you're dead!"

Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"

Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."

Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

Drunk guy: "Huh?"

Drunk girl: "That's

Why are bats the best drunks?

Because they are use to being hung over

Two drunks are in a bar

First one says to the other: do you know they have golden toilets here?

Second drunk says: no way! You're drunk and making stuff up.

Drunk 1: I swear, go check it out. End of the hallway, second door on the left.

Drunk 2 comes back from checking it out and says: I knew you were pulling my leg. It's just a regular toilet.

Drunk 1: hey bartender, tell this guy I'm not making it up. I was here yesterday and I swear to god you had a golden toilet.

Bartender talking to his boss at the other end of the bar: hey boss, I think I found the guy who took a dump in your tuba.

Two drunks stumble out of a hotel...

...and manage to get into one of the cabs. After a bit of a process getting seated, one of them tells the cabbie.

"To the Grand Hotel please."

The cabbie turns around and says, "But we're already at the Grand Hotel."

One of the drunks gives the cabbie a bill, and says, "Next time, don't drive quite so fast."

Drunk walks up to a beat cop

Says, "Ociffer, somebody stole my car!"

Cop says, "well where was it when you last saw it?"

Drunk holds up his keychain says, "it was right here on the end of this key!"

Cop looks the drunk up and down, points over the drunks shoulder says, " you'll need to go down to the precinct to fill out the paperwork, it's 4 blocks down that way."

Drunk says, "thanks ociffer." Starts to turn around to walk down there.

Cop says, "you'd better zip up your pants before you go in there."

Drunk looks down at his pants, says "oh man, they got my girl too!"

Two drunks stumble out of a bar

... and see this rough looking big dog sitting outside of the bar and licking his balls.

Drunk 1: "Man! I wish I could do that!"

Drunk 2: "Dunno, Bob... He looks kinda mean. I'd try petting him first"

I pointed towards two old drunks sitting across the table in the bar

and told my friend "We'll be like that in another 10 years"

He said "That's a mirror you idiot!"

Three drunks enter a taxi

the driver immediately notices that they were drunk, and decided to make a quick buck out of them.

When they entered the car, he drove 100 meters, made a turn and told them that they arrived at their destination.
The first one thanks the driver and leaves. The second thanks him, give him money and then leaves. The third realizes that something was wrong and slaps the driver as hard as he could.
The driver looks at him and asks: "the hell is wrong with you?!", to which the drunk guy replies: "don't you ever drive that fast again!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the drunks drunk guy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working drunks drunk irish piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes