Drunk Women Jokes
36 drunk women jokes and hilarious drunk women puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drunk women that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Drunk Women Short Jokes
Short drunk women jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drunk women humour may include short drunk people jokes also.
- Drunk Welsh man walks into a bar A drunk welsh man walks into a bar. How many women are pregnant at the end of the night? None, but I wouldn't eat the lamb!
- A women was drinking in a bar. She blacked out and woke up with her clothes off in a strangers bed.
How did this occur?
Cause A : she got black out drunk and slept with someone.
Or Cosby? - A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk."
Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober." - Two drunk men walked into a bar... A woman says, Why are you in the women's restroom?
One man says, We're not, why are you in the women's restroom? - I like all my women to be I like all my women to be
Just the same as my morning coffee,
I.e. liquid and hot,
Often drunk on a yacht
And usually bought for a fee. - You know, they found women hormones in beer.. Thats why when you're drunk you can't drive.
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Drunk Women One Liners
Which drunk women one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drunk women? I can suggest the ones about drunk girl and drunk man.
- What do you call a drunk women? An uber so she can get home safe
- What does a drunk use to turn on women? Bud Lights!
- If two negatives make a positive. Shouldn't that make drunk women the best drivers?
Witty Drunk Women Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about drunk women you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean two drunks jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drunk women pranks.
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
I was in a bar when...
I was in a bar in London throwing back brewski's when these two larger women walked in. They both had strong accents so I asked.
*"Are you two ladies from Scotland?"*
One of the ladies turned to me and said,
*"It's Wales you idiot"*
I must've been so drunk that I didn't notice so, I immediately apologized and said,
*"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"*
Don't remember much else.
Two elderly men
Got wasted drunk one evening and decided to go to a brothel.
The madam seeing how out of it both of them were decided to give them blow up dolls instead of real women.
The next day the two old men met up again and started sharing their experiences of the previous night.
The first one went.
"I think mine was dead. I moved her, shook her. No reaction whatsoever".
The other guy said.
"This is nothing. I'm convinced mine was a witch. In the heat of the moment as we were going at it I bit her a**.... She let out a massive f**.... Then flew out the window taking my dentures with her."
A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...
and says to them:
"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"
Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"
Walking home after a girls' night out, two rather drunk women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her p**...!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
Father, what causes arthritis?
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''
In a shelter for abused women.
My husband used to beat me on regular basis. Sometimes, he would get his drinking mates and they would stand one after another to beat me. But one day I said to myself: get a grip woman, enough is enough. So when my husband and his mates collapsed drunk, I run away to this shelter. After 6 months I feel much better. The thing I like the most about this place is that there is no punchline.
A Russian drunk in a streetcar
Another Russian joke. A drunk boards a streetcar, and says out loud:
"All the women to the left of me are idiots, and all the women to the right are w**...."
A woman to the right stands up and says, "I've been married for 15 years, and I've always been faithful to my husband, so there."
"Then move to the left."
3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...
1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".
2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".
3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".
1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
Not your typical response
Some guy was having fun with another woman in her house. He finished up and as he was ready to leave, he realizes he smells like her perfume. So he had a great idea. He went to a local bar, drank a few good ones and went home.
His wife smelled him and said:
"Do you think I'm s**..., huh? You can bathe yourself in a women's perfume all you want, I can still guess you went to a bar, you drunk!".
A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top.
She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.
Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."
Father Dave took a seat on the A train in NYC...
and was disgusted to see a drunk sitting across from him. The disheveled smelly man was wearing a t-shirt with a photo of a n**... lady on it and he reeked of alcohol. The drunk stared at the priest for a few minutes and then blurted out "Father, what causes migraines and kidney stones?" THe priest glared at the man and said "Spending time with loose women and drinking alcohol!" The drunk went quietly back to his newspaper. After a moment, the priest felt bad and said, "I am sorry. How long have you had these issues for?" The drunk replied "I don't have these issues. I read in the paper that the Pope does."
2 women argue over who designed the human body
2 long time friends meet up at a bar and have some drinks when the conversation turns to who designed the human body.
Women 1 is a mathematician and argued as such a mathematician must have
Women 2 is a scientist and as such argued that due do science and stuff it must have been a scientist
Drunk construction worker guy spins around and says "both you broads are wrong, a plumber designed the human body"
The 2 women look confused and asked the construction worker how so. His reply? "Only a plumber is s**... enough to put the waste disposal through the main o**..."
Why dogs are better than women.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
10. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day...
He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
The Preist & The Drunkard
A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is
stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.
He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the
disheveled guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, cheap women and too much alcohol!"
"Well, I'll be d**...!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest thinks about what he has said, nudges the man and apologizes.
"I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me,
how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does!"
What causes arthritis?
A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick. He smelled awful, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here, that the Pope does."
A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't s**.... Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
**
Father, what causes arthritis?
A drunken man who smelled of whiskey sat down on a train, next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of the finest whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be d**..." then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A driver is stopped by the police...
...and the officer asks whether he's drunk or took any drugs. The driver denies but the policeman wants to investigate further and starts asking questions:
Officer: "You see two lights in the distance, what's that?"
Man: "A car, of course"
Officer: "yeah, but what car? A Mercedes, a BMW, an Audi, ...?"
Man: "How am I supposed to know?"
Officer: "Ok, different question: you see one light in the distance, what's that?"
Man: "a motorcycle!"
Officer: "yeah, but what motorcycle? A Harley Davidson, a Kawasaki, ...?"
The man is fed up so he answers:
"Let me ask you something first: you see a half n**... women standing next to the street, what's that?"
Officer: "a h**...!"
Man: "yeah, but what h**...? Your mother, your sister, your wife?"
what causes arthritis?
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
One night, a man got a little drunk...
One night, a man went to a bar. He got a little bit tipsy (he was smashed) and realized that he desperately had to use the bathroom. He walked up to the women at the bar and slurred out the words, "Excuse me, where is your nearest restroom."
The women advised him, "It's right down that hall to the left."
The man stumbled down the hallway, and in his drunk position, took a right rather than a left. Sitting inside of the room he had opened was a great, golden toilet. So, he did his business in it.
The next day when he woke up, he could only remember one thing: That toilet was so comfortable! So, he decided: he would go back to that bar and he would buy that solid gold toilet today!
He walked into the bar and talked to a different bartender, "Excuse me sir: Yesterday, I came in here and I used the most comfortable, solid gold toilet I have ever sat on! I demand to buy it off of you!
The bartender chuckled and yelled to the back hall: "Hey Charlie, I found that guy that took a dump in your tuba!"
What causes arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be d**...," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Difference between men and women
Julie didn't come home one night. When her husband Tom asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house.
Tom was a bit suspicious so he called her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.
The following week Tom didn't come home one night. Julie asks him where he'd been. So Tom says he got a bit drunk at a friend's place and thought it was safer not to drive but c**... out there.
Julie thinks he's been "fooling around" so rings his ten best mates.
All ten of them say he spent the night there and six claim he's still there.
