Drunk Talk Jokes
35 drunk talk jokes and hilarious drunk talk puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drunk talk that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Drunk Talk Short Jokes
Short drunk talk jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drunk talk humour may include short drunk jokes also.
- I told myself I should stop drinking... But I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
- Two drunk friends were talking in a bar. Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.
Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?
Man 1: Since yesterday. - I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self
- Translating the German joke Germans only tell Germans. I don't like to talk about the holocaust either. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.
He got drunk and fell off the guard tower. - I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...
- I met a drunk ventriloquist at the bar last night. She said I was the most handsome man she had ever seen. I wasn't sure if it was her or the beer talking.
- Two drunk men are talking in a bar - You know? my uncle is now resting in peace
- I had no clue your uncle had died
- No, the one who died was my aunt - I was talking to my best friend last night. Me: IM NOT DRUNK! YOUR DRUNK!
Best friend: dude... I'm your reflection.
Me: (cries) I know... - A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the a monkey of the jungle."
His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..."
He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!" - Apparently I need to listen more in church. Turns out the preacher wasn't talking about Jim Beam when he asked if anyone had been drunk on the holy spirit.
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Drunk Talk One Liners
Which drunk talk one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drunk talk? I can suggest the ones about drunk guy and drunk people.
- I'm not drunk officer.. I'm just talking in cursive.
Share Hilarious Drunk Talk Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about drunk talk you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drunk man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drunk talk pranks.
A mute guy, a deaf guy and a drunk guy walk into a bar...
The mute guy says
What are you guys having to drink?
The deaf guy realizes that the mute just somehow talked and asks him
How come you just spoke if you're mute?
The drunk guy starts to come to his senses about the situation that the supposed deaf guy somehow heard the supposed mute guy. He asks them,
Wait how come you just spoke when you're mute AND he just heard you when he is supposed to be deaf?!?
The bartender says,
Hey who's that drunk guy talking to?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.
(TKZS = a state-run c**... collective farm.)
A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."
The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"
„Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.
They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"
„She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says „Oink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.
„Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!
Boss says „Don't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.
I was in my kitchen
Drinking a beer, when suddenly it said "hey hiya, how's it going!" I was stunned. "Wow, you can talk?" I asked the beer.
"Sure!" It said, "All beers can talk."
"Oh really?" I asked. I picked up an empty bottle and said "Can you talk?"
"Mmrrphrrgaaaa!" Is all the empty bottle said.
"What's the deal?" I asked the first bottle, "why can't I understand the empty bottle?"
"Oh," it said, "he's drunk."
Two Irish men were talking one morning..
"You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum.
"Why, What did I do?", said David.
"You took a taxi home!"
"So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!"
"The party was at your OWN HOUSE!"
Two drunks are in a bar
First one says to the other: do you know they have golden toilets here?
Second drunk says: no way! You're drunk and making stuff up.
Drunk 1: I swear, go check it out. End of the hallway, second door on the left.
Drunk 2 comes back from checking it out and says: I knew you were pulling my leg. It's just a regular toilet.
Drunk 1: hey bartender, tell this guy I'm not making it up. I was here yesterday and I swear to god you had a golden toilet.
Bartender talking to his boss at the other end of the bar: hey boss, I think I found the guy who took a dump in your tuba.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple gets pulled over by a cop
Wife: Why are you lying, you were going 70km/h.
Man: What the h**...? Shut up.
Policeman: You don't even have your safety belt on.
Man: I just removed it, because you stopped me.
Wife: You are lying, you didn't have the belt on.
Man: SHUT UP!!!!
Policeman: Does he always talk like this to you?
Wife: No officer, only when he is drunk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman carrying a duck gets on a bus....
When she takes her seat, a drunk man next to her exclaims, "That's the ugliest pig I've ever seen!"
The woman replied, indignantly, "That shows what you know. This is a duck."
The drunk says, "I know, I was talking to the duck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church. He stumbles along, talks with the statues and finally enters the confessional where he sits down quietly on the chair. The priest patiently waits for him then coughs a bit but he gets no reaction. He waits a little while longer and knocks in the wall, finally drawing the drunk's attention:
-Stop the knocking, fool, there's no toilet paper in here either!
Drunk guy takes the bus
Drunk guy gets on a bus stumbling. The bus goes forward, drunk guy stumbles back. Each stop drunk guy stumbles forward. When he reaches his destination, bus driver says,
"Hey you didnt pay the fare"
Drunk guy, "what are you talking about I walked here!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are sitting in a bar...
...one of them is drinking quite heavily.
The other asks, What's the problem friend?
The drunk replies, I just found out my mother is a p**....
The other stands up, retorting, What?! I need to find that woman and talk to her!
The drunk responds, Sit down, it's not worth it. She doesn't even offer a 'family and friends' discount.
Two drunk friends are talking:
The first says: Hhey bro, how wasted are you??
The second replies: I'm so wasted that my life and opportunities feel jealous...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three hobos are talking about last night...
The first hobo says, I was digging around behind a McDonald's last night and someone threw away a whole meal! I had a feast.
The second hobo says, I was scavenging by the liquor store yesterday and I found a full bottle of whiskey! I got drunk out of my mind.
The third hobo says, That's nothing. I was walking by the tracks and I ran into this woman. We had s**... all night long!
The other two hobos, admitting the third's was the best, say, That's awesome! Did she give you head?
The third hobo says, No... I never found her head.
A car
A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".
All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?" A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"
Got so drunk last week that I married a thermostat
Talk about turning the heat up on a relationship.
Cop Joke
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Joe was at a bar at the tallest building in the world...
...having a drink, when a very intoxicated man next to him started talking to him...
"Hey, did you know that the winds up here are so strong that if you jump out, they'll push you right back in?"
Joe responds "no way!"
Drunk guy says " yes way, here I'll show you"
And with that, he jumps out the window and sure enough, he's swept back into the bar.
Joe is flabbergasted. The drunk guy goes "here, I'll do it again", and sure enough, after he jumps out, he's swept back in.
Joe is so impressed, that he's like "wow! I gotta try" and jumps out the window...falling to his death.
The bartender serves the intoxicated mans, sadly shaking his head, "you're a mean man when you're drunk Superman."
A male driver with his wife is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Sad Story
So there was this man in one corner of a bar. He was alone. He looked sad, and on his table was littered with glasses, cans of empty beer, and bottles of half dranked wine; tattle-tale signs of a problematic man, drinking heavily to forget his grief. Every now and then he would give out a very heavy sigh.
Seeing as this man needed someone to talk to, I then approached the man. We talked about his work, his kids, and other stuff; you know typical guy to guy chit-chat.
We had more drinks, the guy started to become more drunk.
He started crying and talked about his problems;the d**... in his work and how everyone hates him in the work place.Turns out he was big time. CEO of a well known oil company.
What I could not forget, was the conversation before he passed out from being too drunk.
"My wife made a millionaire out of me, " he said while sobbing like a baby.
I said, " But dude, isnt that like, a good thing? What were you before?"
"A multi-millionaire," then he passed out.
One night, a man got a little drunk...
One night, a man went to a bar. He got a little bit tipsy (he was smashed) and realized that he desperately had to use the bathroom. He walked up to the women at the bar and slurred out the words, "Excuse me, where is your nearest restroom."
The women advised him, "It's right down that hall to the left."
The man stumbled down the hallway, and in his drunk position, took a right rather than a left. Sitting inside of the room he had opened was a great, golden toilet. So, he did his business in it.
The next day when he woke up, he could only remember one thing: That toilet was so comfortable! So, he decided: he would go back to that bar and he would buy that solid gold toilet today!
He walked into the bar and talked to a different bartender, "Excuse me sir: Yesterday, I came in here and I used the most comfortable, solid gold toilet I have ever sat on! I demand to buy it off of you!
The bartender chuckled and yelled to the back hall: "Hey Charlie, I found that guy that took a dump in your tuba!"
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror pulls to the side of the road.
After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."
Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80."
(The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You've known about that tail light for weeks."
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Officer, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No, officer. Only when he's drunk."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A middle aged woman walks into a grocery store…
She has been single for the past 5 years and is extremely lonely. She proceeds to collect a few things here and there from throughout the store. Lip balm, a gallon of milk, a few rolls of paper towels, chicken p**... pies, and laundry detergent.
When she finishes finding all of her items she proceeded to the checkout counter. Immediately after she got in line a man came up behind her and began to wait as well. He had a 12 pack with him and was obviously drunk. He was staring at her groceries then up at her, swaying back and forth trying to keep balance.
You must be single? he asked her.
Normally she would ignore a stranger talking to her, especially one this drunk, but she was for some reason slightly intrigued. She noticed he kept looking at her groceries and up at her. Maybe he thought she was single based off what she was purchasing. Maybe he could point out something that would help her find someone to love.
Yes, I am single , she said. But can you tell me something? How can you tell I'm single? she said as she looked down at the few things in her basket.
cause….. he struggled to stand up and looked her in the eye. cause you're ugly.
Two friends are talking...
and the first guy notices his buddy is looking like he has something bugging him.
He asks his friend, "Man, you look like you got something on your mind. What's up?"
"I just had a rough night. I went to the bar, got falling-down drunk, and when I got home, I wrecked my car into the tree. What's even worse is when I went inside, I started blowing chunks." Man number two explains.
The first friend says, "That's terrible about your car. How is that not the worst part?"
The second man says, "Chunks is my dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Grandpa told me this one
A lady has been sitting at the bar all night pounding down drinks and she's completely hammered. She's so drunk that she can barely talk, but she's trying to converse with the bartender anyways.
"You know, I really like these martoonis," she slurs, "but I don't like the cherries in them, they give me heartburn."
The bartender looks at her for a minute, shakes his head and replys: "First of all, lady, those aren't martoonis, they're martinis. Second, those aren't cherries, they're olives. And that's not heartburn, your t**...'s in the ashtray.
