Drunk Man Jokes
101 drunk man jokes and hilarious drunk man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drunk man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Drunk Man Short Jokes
Short drunk man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drunk man humour may include short drunk guy jokes also.
- A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?" "For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube) - Two drunk friends were talking in a bar. Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.
Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?
Man 1: Since yesterday. - "I'm sorry, Your Highness, but we can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again!" said the King's man. The King, who was drunk, replied, "Let the horses try."
- A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night... He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
"Drunk again?!" she asks.
He chuckles and says "Hey, me too." - A man and a Giraffe walk into a bar. The Giraffe gets drunk and falls on the floor unconscious.
The bartender says "you can't leave that lyin' there."
The man says "its not a Lion, its a Giraffe" - A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?" "For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?" - Two men walk out of a bar, both are drunk and ready to fight! One draws a line in the dirt and says to the other man, "If you cross this line i will punch you!"
That was the punchline. - A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911 - 911?
- Yes
- Well, now you're 910. - Got home and into bed steaming drunk last night, and the wife was furious. She said I wasn't the man she married. I knew exactly what she meant. I live next door.
- My wife has left me for another man All that lies ahead is a miserable, pointless and lonely existence.
And while he's going through that I'll be down the pub every night getting drunk.
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Drunk Man One Liners
Which drunk man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drunk man? I can suggest the ones about drunk driver and drunk people.
- Drunk man: "Is life worth living?" well, it depends on the liver.
- Confucius say..... Confucius say man drunk in cemetery make grave mistakes
- A drunk man tried to enlist in the Army He heard they had an excellent draft.
- What do you call a drunk man wandering the streets on foot? a cab
- A drunk man walks into a bar Then a stool, then a table...
- A blind man walks into a bar And gets so drunk that he doesn't see double.
- A drunk man gets on a bus
- Who's the bigger fool? The drunk man or the one who argues with him?
- What does a black man call a drunk Irishman? A Catholic.
- A bar walks into a drunk man Wait what
- Why did the drunk old man die? Old age.
- What did the pig say to the drunk man? Licence and registration please.
- A man goes into a bar and proceeds to get s**... drunk.
Silly & Ridiculous Drunk Man Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about drunk man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drunk girl jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drunk man pranks.
A son asks his dad, "Dad, what it is like to be drunk?"
The dad replies, "Well son, you see those two cars ahead of you. A drunk man would see four of them."
To that the son replies, "But dad, I can see only one car."
A drunk man
A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,
"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,
"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"
A drunk man walks into a bar
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...
and says to them:
"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"
Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"
A drunk man
A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol a**... & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"
Man: "My Wife"!!!
A drunk man goes into a restaurtant
A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"
The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"
A very drunk man walks in to a pub
He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too." The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "it appears I've misplaced my wallet." The bartender gets upset, grabs the drunk man by his neck, drags him out back and kicks the ever-lovin-s**... out of the drunk man. A few minutes later the drunk man walks in and says "Bartender, I'm buying another drink for everyone in here. But not you. You get mean when you drink."
A drunk man at a bar shouts "all lawyers are a**...!"
Another man replies "TAKE THAT BACK!"
"Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an a**..."
Two drunk people are walking down a road.
The first one says, "What a beautiful night...look at that bright, full moon." The second man stops and looks at his drunk friends. "You fool, that's the sun, not the moon", he mumbles. Soon, they start arguing.
As they are arguing, they pass by another drunk man. They both stop his ask him, "Can you tell us wether that thing up in the sky is the sun or the moon?"
The drunk man looks up, and then looks back and says, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic church
He enters a confession booth and sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk man shouts, "Ain't no use knocking! There's no paper on this side either!"
Pouring rain, New York City. A drunk hails a cab.
Cabbie rolls down the windo, the drunk man says "hey mister, do you gave room for half a chicken and a six-pack in here"?
Annoyed, the cabbie says "sure"
the drunk says BLUGHHHHHH
A police officer pulls someone over
The officer asks the man "What's in the bottle sir?"
"It's just water!" replies the man.
"Sir this is clearly alcohol." says the police officer, clearly able to smell the contents of the bottle.
The very obviously drunk man begins to shout "Praise the Lord and his miracles!"
I am God.
A drunk says to stranger I am God and I can prove it to you.
Drunk accompanies him to a house in front of the bar and knocks on the door.
Woman opens the door and says, "Oh my god, you again."
Drunk man says to stranger, "see."
A drunk man was looking confused at a hand mirror
"I've seen this person before" he said.
His drunk friend grabbed the mirror from his hand to take a look "That's me you d**...".
A drunk walks into a church...
...during mass and sits down. The priest is bothered by his presence and says to everybody:
\-The drink is a terrible vice, so much so that a drunk man will never reach salvation. If any of you is inebriated, I ask you to stand up.
The drunk man does, looks around to everybody sitted and says:
\-Whelp, I guess it's just the two of us, father.
Police officer approaches a drunk man urinating on the street late at night and said.
"Sir, you'll have to accompany me to the police station" the drunk guy responded with a grunt "Jeez! You became a police officer, and still afraid of walking in the dark? Okay I'll walk you home, but don't tell anyone"
A drunk man runs into a Priest
A drunk man stumbles out a bar and walks straight into a Preist. The man sees his chance and says "Look Father! I'm Jesus Christ!"
The Preist tells him he isn't but the man is adament to show the Priest, so he takes the Preist im and walks upvto the bar.
The bartender says "Jesus Christ, what do you want now?"
A p**... drunk man stumbles onto the bus on his way home...
When he finally hobbles his way to the last empty seat, he turns to see a posh stiff lady seated with her frilly pink French poodle.
He turns his head shakily and slurs, "Where'dh ye get tha' pig?"
The lady huffs and retorts, "Ugh! Why, I'll have you know Mr. Squiggles is **not** a pig! He is a purebred French poodle!"
The man squints his eyes and is silent for a second. Then turns back to the lady and slurs once more:
"I wath tokking...to thuh Frensh poothle."
A drunk man is shouting "twenty five" while
Looking at the open manhole infront of him....
Another man comes seeing the drunk man shouting
"Twenty five" again and again while looking inside the open manhole.he asks why he is doing that...
Drunk man doesn't replies....
He keeps shouting "twenty five" while ignoring what other man says.
Man gets curious whats inside manhole.he leans over to see whats in. But the drunk man kicks him inside the manhole....
Drunk man after that..." Twenty six......"
Drunk Man Gets Arrested
Police Officer: 'Anything you say can and will be held against you' .........
Drunk: b**...!'
A woman carrying a duck gets on a bus....
When she takes her seat, a drunk man next to her exclaims, "That's the ugliest pig I've ever seen!"
The woman replied, indignantly, "That shows what you know. This is a duck."
The drunk says, "I know, I was talking to the duck."
A drunk man is in a bar and claims to be Jesus Christ
"Of course you're not Jesus Christ" answers the barman. The drunk man then says "I'll prove it to you". So the drunk man leaves the bar and comes across a priest. Again, he claims to be Jesus Christ. "No you are not Jesus Christ" answers the priest. "Follow me" answers in the drunk man. So both of them walk back into the bar and as they're entering, the bartender says to the drunk man "Jesus Christ, you're here again?".
A drunk man is pulled over by a policeman at 2am
The policeman asks, "hey there, may I ask where you're headed?"
"I'm off to a conference about the effects of alcohol. How it affects relationships, the economy, how it has an effect on my children."
"And who, may I ask is leading this conference at this hour?" Asks the policeman.
"My wife when I get home."
A drunk's prayer...
A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"
A very drunk man walks into a bar
He yells:
two large beers and a packet of crisp please!
Lady: sir, this is a library.
Man, whispering: two large beers and a packet of crisps please!
A drunk man falls off the 5th floor, people ran towards him and asked what happened?
He replies "Well I don't know, just got here"
A guy in a tall building walks into a bar and sees a drunk man.
The drunk man comes to the balcony and jumps off. A few moments later, the man comes back, perfectly fine.
Later, the man gets drunk and jumps off again. He comes back again perfectly fine.
The guy watching asks "Wow, how did you do that?"
The man responds "Anything can happen when you drink enough."
Later, the guy gets drunk, jumps off, and falls to his death.
The man comes back and says "Why didn't he survive?"
The bartender responds "Oh come on, Superman. You're an absolute d**... when you're drunk."
A drunk man stumbles out of a bar.
He runs into two priests outside.
He says to the first one, I'm Jesus Christ. Want me to prove it? .
The priest replies no you're not, you're just a drunk man. .
So the drunk man turns to the second priest and says I'm Jesus Christ, want me to prove it? .
And the second priest says go on.
The trio walks back into the bar, and the bartender looks up and says Jesus Christ, you're back again?!
A drunk man walked into a bar.
As a bystander, I couldn't help but laugh as I watched a bruise form on his head.
"sun or the moon"
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
.
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
A very drunk man gets kicked out of a bar...
A very drunk man gets kicked out of a bar. He stumbles down the street and happens upon a nun walking the other direction.
Out of nowhere, he s**... punches her and knocks her to the ground. He continues to beat her up until she's unconscious.
He takes a step back, looks at her, and says, "Not so c**... now, are you batman?!"
"I got her!''
A drunk old man gets into a taxi Mercedes E Class. After a short time, he asks, "Why do Mercedes cars have that on their bonnet?"
The driver jokingly replies, "It is there so I could aim pedestrians."
He accelerates sharply, narrowly missing out an old lady which was passing the street. After that, he heard a massive thump.
"What the b**... h**... was that??" the driver asked
The drunk man replies, "You missed her, I got her with my door".
Drunk a grocery store
Drunk guy standing in line at a grocery store looks at the woman in front of him then down at her items at the register.
He says "You must be single"
The woman kinda annoyed but amazed says " OK I'll bite, how did you know that?"
Drunk man looks at her and slurs " Cause you're ugly"
a drunk joke
a drunk man was pulled over by a cop on the high way
cop:where are you going at this time
drunk man: im going to a lecture
cop:from where are you going to get a lecture at this time of the night
drunk man: from my wife
A Lady was conducting her anti drinking campaign outside a bar.....
A heavily drunk man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes. The Lady stopped him and said - "Tell me!!! If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor... Do you think the Lord will let you in ???"
"My good woman" passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind."
A drunk man is sitting on a bar stool.
He leans over and asks the guy on his left, did you shpill your drink on me? The guy says no I did not. He then leans over and asks the guy on his right, did you shpill your drink on me? No, I certainly did not.
Then I guess it must have been an inside job.
A completely drunk man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
A police officer arrests a drunk man
After minutes of hassle getting the man in the police car, they're finally ready to go.
The officers turns around and says "Please fasten your seatbelt".
The man smirks and says "It's ok. Nobody will pull us over"
A drunk man runs into a woman with the ugliest kid in the world
The drunk man said: Ma'am, you daughter is incredibly ugly
The woman replies: I know sir, but she is beautiful in the inside
The drunk man confused: Then why haven't you peeled her?
Give a sober man a car and he will drive for an hour,
Give a drunk man a car and he will drive for the rest of his life.
An immigration officer asks a drunk man if he's hungarian
he says "yep, but my name's not a**..."
A woman is in line at the grocery store when a very drunk man behind her looks the items in her cart and slurs "you mus' be single...!"
She was set to ignore him when she notices her shopping. There's nothing in her cart that would indicate her relationship status...
Curiosity gets the better of her and she answers him
"I am actually, but, how did you know?"
The drunk straightens up slightly and says "cos you're f**...' ugly...!"
A drunk man was smoking drugs while driving.
The policeman stop him and says, "Show me you ID?"
The drunk man, "What drugs?"
A drunk man staggers out of a bar late at night.
Struggling to keep his balance, he grabs on to a nearby pole to be able to stand still. A few minutes later a fire engine zooms by blaring its sirens. Looking at the truck, the man started running furiously after it and yelling incoherently, but after a good kilometre, he finally collapsed and panting heavily, he yelled out
You can keep your rotten ice cream!
A man was teaching his son about about the dangers of drinking at the traffic lights.
The man said, See those two cars over there, son? A drunk man would see four.
The son replied, But Dad, there is only one car.
A drunk man walks out of the bar
A drunk man walks out of the bar and sees a nun standing at the bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she is on the ground crying he says," Not so tough are you now Batman!"
Three priests walk up to a door at a bar.
When they try to open the door, a very drunk man steps out. He tells each priest that he's Jesus Christ. All of the priests disagree with him, and he tells them, "I can prove it!"
So he walks back into the bar with the three priests, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back again?"
A drunk man stumbled up to me and asked what he should do if he finds a abandoned baby
"Beat it" wasn't a good answer.
A drunk man exited a bar vomiting and almost got some on the timepiece of a police officer who was standing on the street.
The cop said, "not on MY watch"
Townes Van Zandt joke
A police officer stops a drunk man on the street.
Officer: How are you doing this evening, sir?
Drunk: Officer, I think somebody stole my car.
Officer: Where did you last see it?
Drunk: Right at the end of this key.
Officer: Alright, buddy, why don't you just call a cab. And zip up your fly while you're at it.
Drunk: Ah, man, they got my girl too!
A cop pulls over a drunk man..
A police officer pulls over a man who he thinks is drunk.. he walks up to the mans car. "Hello sir may I see license and registration"? Asks the cop. So the man hands him his license and registration.
The cop comes back a minute later and asks the man to step out of the car. "Ok sir I'm gonna perform some field sobriety tests on you" The cop says.
"Field Sobriety tests"? The man asks "But I didnt even study"!
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer, and a drunk man are walking down a road. They see a coin on the floor. Who picks it up?
The drunk man. The other three are mythical creatures.
A cop stops a drunk driver
Cop - Sir, please step out of the vehicle
Drunk Man - I am too drunk, why don't you get in.
Drunk man was sitting in restaurant.
While eating he farts very loudly in a restaurant.
The man on the next table gets very angry and says, "Excuse me, you have no decency. You f**... before my wife."
Drunk Man: "Sorry, I did not know it was her turn."
A drunk man walks out of the casino.
He stops a cab and asks the driver,
"Take me anywhere you want and I'll pay what you want"
The driver responds,
"Sure, pay me 50 dollars and stay where you are"
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man."
And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
Policeman asked a drunk man how much did he drink. Drunk man answered...
...five policemen, Captain Morgan.
Did you hear about the drunk man with the laughing tic who accidentally hit someone with his car?
Heard he's going to jail for involuntary mans-laughter
Two drunk Man
Two drunks are in a bar.
First one: "My wife is an angel"
Second one: "You are lucky! Mine is still alive."
A drunk man is walking home through a graveyard at the end of an evening
and in the dark, he falls into an unfinished grave that's still being dug.
He tries and tries to climb the dirt walls and fails, so he yells and yells for help, but no one is nearby. So finally he lies down and goes to sleep.
A little while, another drunk man comes along and falls in the same hole. He too tries and tries to climb out, and fails.
The he hears a hoarse voice behind him in the dark say, "You'll never get out of here."
_Voom_ He did.
A woman is in line at the grocery store
As she starts to load her food onto the conveyor belt, a drunk man gets in line behind her. As she finishes emptying her basket he leans over and says to her, "you must be single."
She's determined to ignore him, but as she waits she finds herself looking down at her groceries: milk, eggs, apples, salad, chicken... nothing that seems out of the ordinary. Finally her curiosity gets the better of her, so she turns to the man and says, "alright, how did you know? These seem like perfectly ordinary groceries to me."
The drunk man smiles knowingly. "Because... you're f**...' ugly"
A priest was driving at night
When he saw a car in the oncoming g lane swerving wildly all across the road. The priest had to swerve himself to not get hit and ended up hitting the ditch and rolling his car into the nearby field. Fortunately, he was unhurt, just a little shaken, and climbed out of the wreckage.
The car he was swerving from stops and backs up, and a clearly drunk man climbs out.
"Are you okay?" asks the drunk.
"Yes," says the priest. "The Lord was with me."
"Well you better let him ride with me," says the drunk. "You're gonna kill him!"
A drunk man wanders into a bar...
One day, a drunk man went into a bar. When the bartender asked the drunk what he wanted, the man just said, "I'm Jesus Christ!" The bartender said, "No, you're not, now what do you want to drink?" So the drunk just ordered a beer.
After being kicked out of the bar for destruction of property, the drunk man stumbles down the street and walks into a priest. "What are you doing!?" the priest exclaimed. "I'm Jesus Christ!" the drunk said. "No, you're not!" the priest told him. "I'll prove it!" the drunk said. "Follow me."
The drunk lead the man back to the bar. "Now watch this." the drunk said. He walked into the bar, and the bartender yelled "Jesus Christ you're back!?"
The drunk in the bus
A woman enters the bus with her two children, the only places available are next to a man who seems very drunk, she sits with the children and the drunk man says: Your children are very beautiful.
She looks at him with disdain and says: Thank you.
You're welcome, says the drunk. After a few minutes the drunk asks: Are your children twins?
The woman responds rudely: No, you can see clearly that one is much older than the other.
The drunk looks at her very thoughtful and says: Sorry I just find it hard to believe that someone had s**... with you twice.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
The bar tender says "sir you cant have that here! it will bite one of my customers and i'll get sued"
The man replied " Its quite the tame alligator- watch"
He places the alligator on the counter, unzips his pants, and places his package in the open gators' mouth and leaves it there for about 5 min. After that time he puts his package away and says "see? Anyone else wanna give it a try?"
A drunk man at the end of the bar spoke " I'll give it a try- but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long"
A drunk man is stumbling around outside...
He smells of beer and looks absolutely plastered. A priest walks by and asks him why he's getting drunk so early in the day. The man wobbles a bit and belches out "Why, I'm your lord and savior". The priest is, obviously, unconvinced and begins to walk away. The drunk calls out "Look, I'll prove it!" The drunk leads the priest into the building closest to them, a bar. The bartender looks over at the man in shock and says...
"*Jesus christ*! You're back here again?!"
A drunk man walks into a bar ...
"Jesus, Craig, you s**... at playing limbo!" said the man's friend.
At the end of a busy night in a bar a clearly drunk man approaches the bartender. "Hey man," he says, "I'll bet you $50 I can stand at one end of the bar and pee clear to the other end." He has to clean the bar anyway, so this sounds like an easy 50 to the bartender. He agrees.
"Great! I'll be right back." The man then approaches a group of wasted guys in expensive suits and after a little bit of chatting and back slapping, he returns. He climbs onto the bar, whips it out and proceeds to pee...no more than a foot or so distance. The bartender laughs to himself, thinking he's just made fifty bucks. The drunken guy looks excited and hands him fifty. "Thanks, man," he says as he climbs off the bar. The bartender looks confused. "What are you thanking me for?" "I bet that group of bankers $500 bucks each that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't care!"
What causes arthritis?
A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick. He smelled awful, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here, that the Pope does."
Wisdom of a drunk
A woman in her mid-thirties went to a local grocery store late at night to buy a few necessities. As she was in line at the register, an extremely intoxicated man got in line behind her holding some liquor.The woman ignored him and the waft of alcohol, but couldn't help notice he was looking her over.
Finally the woman turned and asked what was wrong. The intoxicated man looked at her, at the items she was buying, at her again, then said, "Lady, I bet you're single."
The woman was taken aback. She WAS single, but looking at the apples and milk she was buying, and her modest but clean and fashionable attire, she had no idea what gave the drunk man that idea.
"Why yes, I am single. How did you know?"
"Cuz yer ugly."
Man with a mission
A guy is standing next to an open manhole cover. While smiling and giggling he points down towards the manhole and keeps repeating Twenty six... Twenty six.. Continuosly.
Curiosity got the better of one drunk passerby who was slightly amused by this behaviour. He moves closer to the dude standing by the manhole and asks with a smile on his face.. Hey.... What you upto ?
The guy with a clearly visible grin and a hint of increasing excitement on his face, looks down towards the manhole and points to it then says TWENTY SIX !!!....TWENTY SIX !!!
The drunk man decides to move closer to the manhole to have a better look. Just that moment when the drunk man bends over to look inside the manhole, he is pushed down inside by the lunatic. The lunatic laughs and giggles uncontrolably and starts saying... Twenty Seven.. Twenty Seven..
You must be single.
A woman was walking to the checkout at the supermarket when she passed a drunk man leaning against a newspaper rack. Obviously being someone she didn't want to engage in conversation, she walks past him and starts unloading the contents of her cart onto the conveyor belt.
1 head of lettuce
A bag of flour
4 oranges
A loaf of bread
A pack of toilet paper
A flat of water
And two pounds of ground beef.
The woman is about to check out when she notices the drunk man has been watching her the entire time, he yells out with such conviction:
"You must be single!"
The woman was indeed single and knew she shouldn't engage this drunk man, but she looked at what she had bought and nothing jumped out at her that should broadcast her relationship status. She responds:
"You're right! I am single. But how on earth could you tell?"
Slurring his words, the man replies:
"Cuz' yer ugly."
This is the real no arms no legs on the beach joke, not that lame one. - So there was this guy with no arms and no legs...
... and his friends are all like, "we have to make a good thing for him since he's depressed and stuff."
So they decide to take him to the beach. They dug a small hole, positioned the handicapped friend on the sand, with a little table and a drink with a straw.
Over time the tide comes up, and all his friends are playing football far away. They forgot about no arms no legs man. Completely forgot about him.
As the tide almost reaches his belly, a drunk man approaches. The handicapped guy is screaming on the top of his lungs by now.. help!
The drunk guy says "nothin to worry little fella, I'll help"
So he grabs our unlucky protagonist and drags him to the ocean. The drunk man is eager to wish him good fortune: "Go little turtle, go in peace... "
