Drunk Knock Knock Jokes
31 drunk knock knock jokes and hilarious drunk knock knock puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drunk knock knock that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Cheeky Drunk Knock Knock Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What is a good drunk knock knock joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A man's wife has been getting onto him for drinking so much...
...but he decides to go out to the bar--just one last time--anyway. As it's his last there, he drinks excessively and gets even more plastered than usual.
The next morning, he wakes up in his own bed not really sure how he got there. Before opening his eyes, he starts imagining how infuriated his wife must be. But when he looks around, his wife isn't there. Instead, there's a hot breakfast on the end table next to a note wishing him a good day and expressing her love.
Suspicious, the man gets out of bed. He goes into the living room and sees a table and chair knocked on their sides and a couple pictures that had fallen off the wall. His son is sitting on the couch, so he asked him what happened.
"Well, Dad, you were pretty drunk when you came home last night," his son replies. "You stumbled in, knocked over the furniture and pictures until Mom woke up and helped you."
"Okay, but what's with the hot breakfast?" he asks. "Why isn't she yelling at me right now?"
"Oh," the son says. "When she tried to lead you into the bedroom, you said, 'No thanks, lady, I'm married.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt..
tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, " So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend the money on?" To a reply of, " yes, i do mind your asking, and frankly, i don't think its any of your business." The officer of course is stunned, but , as he goes to leave, the drivers objects. "If you must know, i'll probably spend it on getting my drivers license." The cop is taken aback, as the passenger says, " Oh don't listen to him, he's drunk." Shortly thereafter, a knocking comes from the trunk, and a muffled voice says, " are we over the border yet?"
edited for grammar n**....
Drunk homecoming
A man stumbles up the driveway to his house at 6 in the morning, barely able to stand on his feet. He manages to reach the door but finds it locked and then proceeds to knock.
knock, knock, knock....
After a while his wife comes and opens the door, in a less than a pleased mood.
"What possible reason could you have for coming home at this hour!?"
Slurring and struggling to form words, but managing it in the end the man replies.
"Breakfast!"
A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....
As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Driving on the highway
Ed was driving on the highway when a cop pulled him over and informed him that he'd won a $1000 safe driving award.
"So what are you going to spend the money on?" asked the cop
"I guess I'll use it to get that drivers' license." smiled Ed.
"Take no notice, officer," said Jenny in the passenger seat. "He's a real smartass when he's drunk and s**...."
Just then Ray in the back seat hissed: "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
As the cop took all this in, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said: "Are we over the border yet?"
A drunk guy knocks on a door at night...
A drunk guy knocks on a door at night and the homeowner is furious and screams:
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, IT'S 3 IN THE MORNING!!"
The drunk says: Would you please help me push? Help me push, please.
The homeowner yells at the drunk: "NO! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU AND IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD."
The drunk guy now begs: come on man, I really need a push!
The homeowner yells: "GET LOST!!" and slams the door.
The homeowner now returns to bed but his wife tells him not to be so rude and to go help the poor guy.
"Why?", The homeowner replies, "He's obviously drunk."
"All the more reason to help him then," says the homeowners' wife. " You used to be such a nice guy, I don't know you like this."
Reluctantly the homeowner goes back outside and says: "OK, OK, I'm here to help you push. Where are you?"
The drunk replies: "I'm here in the garden, on the swing"
Driving home very drunk
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
Can you give me a push?
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was all a big misunderstanding..
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?"
Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man: "OK, but that's not so bad."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: " So what happened then? "
Farmer: " I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left . "
Man: "Again?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do then?"
Farmer: " I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. "
Man: "And then?"
Man: "And then?"
Farmer: "Well, 1 sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the s**... cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
Man: "Hmmm..."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do?"
Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church
A drunk guy enters a Catholic church. He stumbles along, talks with the statues and finally enters the confessional where he sits down quietly on the chair. The priest patiently waits for him then coughs a bit but he gets no reaction. He waits a little while longer and knocks in the wall, finally drawing the drunk's attention:
-Stop the knocking, fool, there's no toilet paper in here either!
A hearty laugh after a long time.
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The night's winding down, and all the customers have left except for this one drunk.
Bartender: Hey man, you should get going, go back home and get some sleep.
The drunk leaves through the back door of the establishment and, as the bartender is cleaning up, comes back in through the front 10 minutes later.
Bartender: Hey man, I just kicked you out, we're closing for the night!
The drunk leaves through the back, and not five minutes after the bartender locks the front door, the drunk comes and knocks.
Bartender:d**..., didn't I just tell you-
Drunk:Hey, barkeep! How many bars do you work at anyway?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... goes to the pub...
He's drunk 16 pints of beer, and decides to walk home along the canal.
As he's walking along the canal he see's a chap who's just thrown himself in the canal, p**... reacts bravely and rescues him.
The next day the police knock on p**...'s door, they ask him did he save a bloke who jumped in the canal, p**... explains he did and that he doesn't want any special treatment or medals.
The police explain that he shouldn't of bothered, because he hung himself.
p**... replies, "No he didn't, I put him up there to dry!"
Courtesy of Dennis Taylor (UK Snooker Player)
A husband come home, drunk
*Knock knock*
"Honey can you open the door, I don't have my keys"
"No you can go away, you always come home drunk !"
"Please, I have flowers for the most beautiful woman !"
"Sigh" *She open the door*
"Where are the flowers ?" *she ask*
"Where is the most beautiful woman??"
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and
informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk walks up to a guy...
A drunk walks up to a guy. says to him, " I am God."
The guy says," Go away, you are drunk."
"I can prove it to you, if you want" said the drunk.
"O really! Then prove it."
The drunk went up to a door and knocked on it thrice, three times. The door opened, and a woman came out,
"Oh God, not you again. Go away!"
Just say "thank you" and drive away
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
So this nun is driving along...
... when suddenly a drunk staggers out into the road in front of her. She skids to a stop, gets out, and scolds him severely, making several derogatory remarks, and angrily lecturing him on how dangerous he was being. The drunk looks at her for a minute, then punches her in the face, knocking her out cold.
Standing over her prone form, the drunk grins triumphantly, and slurs out "Yeah! Not so tough now, are you Batman?".
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
A driver was swerving all over the road...
... then was pulled over by a police officer. The police officer knocked on the door and said,
"Sir, please blow into this machine"
"Sorry officer, I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because I have asthma, and it might trigger an asthma attack"
"Okay, could we get a blood sample then?"
"Sorry officer, I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because I have diabetes, and it might upset my blood sugar level"
"Okay, then just step outside your car and walk in a straight line"
"Sorry officer, I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk"
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
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