drunk idiots Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious drunk idiots puns

I was in a bar when...

I was in a bar in London throwing back brewski's when these two larger women walked in. They both had strong accents so I asked.

*"Are you two ladies from Scotland?"*

One of the ladies turned to me and said,

*"It's Wales you idiot"*

I must've been so drunk that I didn't notice so, I immediately apologized and said,

*"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"*

Don't remember much else.

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Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this.

One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk.

He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor.

He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor.

People offered to help him, but he said no each time.

He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.

The next morning, Peter's wife says, "Pete, you bloody worthless idiot, no good drunkard!

You were at the bar last night drinking again!"

Peter was confused. "How did you find out?"

"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

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Scream is heard from the bathroom

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!

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Drunked in a pub

In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother"
Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent
Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother"
The other man is still silent...
The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother"
The second man finally answer with calm voice
"Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"

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East meets West

A guy pulls up to a bar and walks in to get a drink. Almost immediately, he is accosted by another guy who has obviously had one-to-many.
The drunk demonstrates a clumsy karate chop and says, "That was karate from China." The new arrival just nods noncommittally and attempts to sit at the bar. Unfortunately, the inebriated fellow seemed to take the nod as a sign to continue his skill. He attempts a roundhouse kick, that nearly causes him to fall over but he catches himself on a table.
After he regains his balance he slurs, "That was Tai Kwan Do from Japan." The now frustrated gentleman nods again and attempts to claim his own beverage; but the drunk, apparently not done demonstrating, stops him with a hand on his shoulder.
Tired of the irritating patron, the man pulls away angrily.
The drunk taking offense says, "Hey now, you don't want to mess with a fella like me."
The man, now angry says, "Let's take this outside."

*3 minutes later*

The man returns without the drunk, sits down, and orders a beer. The barkeeper, having witnessed the affair, asks, "What happened?"

The man took a long drink before replying, "Tell that asshole when he wakes up, that was a crowbar from Sears."


(I am well aware of the inaccuracy of the origins of the Martial Arts. He's drunk, and an idiot.)

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So there's a new drink at the bar...

A man named Derek walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another man. The man looks over and says "Hey, have you heard of the new drink called 'Bounce'? It's amazing!"

Derek responds "Yeah? What's so special about it?"

In which the man replied "You wouldn't believe it, it makes you immune to falling!"

Derek laughs before blatantly calling him an idiot. In spite to prove his own point, the man buys the drink and quickly climbs up the tall building. He proceeds to jump off, yet slows down to a safe landing at the base of the tower. He runs back into the bar to see Derek staring in astonishment. "That's impossible! I need to try it for myself!"

Derek proceeds to order the drink and then races up to the tower. With a quick breath, he jumps off. As quick as he jumped, he landed with a SPLAT against the hard concrete.

The bartender looks over at the mess, then back at the man.

"You know Superman, you're a real dickhead when you're drunk".

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So there's a guy at the bar. Wasted and crying....

The bartender comes up to him and asks what's wrong. "I'm so wasted I just threw up all over myself! My wife said she would leave if I didn't quit drinking and when I get home, I'm done." The bartender says "I can help. Put a $20 in you coat pocket. Tell her you only had one beer, but a drunk idiot threw up on you and gave you the money to clean your suit. Crisis averted!" The guy says "ok" and goes home. Needless to say his wife was livid. He said "Honey, I'm not drunk, I only had one beer, but this drunk idiot threw up all over me, and gave me this $20 to dry clean the suit!" She said but this is a fifty!" He said "Oh, and I think he shit my pants too."

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A guy comes home drunk carrying a sheep under his arm..

..and his wife, who is sitting on the couch, sees him and goes, "It's 2 AM and you're drunk again!" The guy sighs and says, "Welp, there's the pig I've been fucking." With this the wife rolls her eyes and yells, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep you idiot!" The guy looks at her and says, "I was *talking* to the sheep."

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A Russian drunk in a streetcar

Another Russian joke. A drunk boards a streetcar, and says out loud:

"All the women to the left of me are idiots, and all the women to the right are whores."

A woman to the right stands up and says, "I've been married for 15 years, and I've always been faithful to my husband, so there."

"Then move to the left."

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A Farmer comes home late one night drunk...

...holding a sheep under his arm. He walks into the bedroom and says to his wife, "This is the pig I've been fucking!"

His wife says "You idiot! That's not a pig, that's a sheep!"

The farmer says "Will you shut the fuck up! I was talking to the sheep!"

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Drunk Husband

In the wee hours of the morning a wife is woken up by the sound of the door, signaling the return home of her husband. She lays in bed listening to the thuds of his feet slowly make their way up the stairs. They get to the doorway and stop. The wife looks up and sees her husband carrying a sheep. Angry at him for waking her up she yells "Do you have any idea what time it is? And what is that thing doing here?!"

The husband, wobbly, leans against the door frame and says "this is the pig I've been screwing for the past 5 years!"

His wife shakes her head in part anger, part disgust and says "you drunk idiot, that's a sheep!"

The husband, looking slightly annoyed, repsonds "I wasn't talking to you!"

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A man calls his local liquor store

"When dO yoU open" the man asks in a drunken voice.
"We don't open until 9AM" the liquor store manager replies

A couple of hours later, the man calls the liquor store again.

"WhEn do YoU opEn?" he asks, now even more drunk, and almost shouting.

"As I told you earlier, we do not open until 9AM" the manager replies, annoyed"

A few hours later, the man calls the liquor store once again
"WHeebn DO yOUu OpEN?" the man is now almost entirely incomprehensible.

"We don't open until 9AM, and besides, in your current state, you wouldn't even be let into the store!" the manager shouts

"I'M nOt goIng INn you IdiOT, i'm goiNgg ouT!" the man replied

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The Mop Bucket

A drunk gets up from the bar to take a leak.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!
I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

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A drunk at a bar

A drunk at a bar stands in the middle of the bar a says out loud: Everyone to my left are stupid, and everyone to my right are idiots!
A guy to the drunks left got mad and said to him: Wait a minute, I am not stupid okay! Drunk looks at him and says: Then move to the right side of the bar you idiot!

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Translated: A rabbit is running in the jungle

A rabbit is running in the jungle when he sees a monkey getting drunk. He hops over to him and says "Man, its such a nice day out. Why don't you put down that disgusting stuff and come run around with me." The monkey agrees.

After a while they meet an elephant smoking some weed. The rabbit again approaches him, "Man, put down that awful stuff and come run around with us." The elephant agrees and they resume running around.

After a while they see a tiger about to do some heroin. The rabbit approaches him but before he can say a word the tiger smacks him and says, "I am sick and tired of your shit. Every time you do cocaine you get half the jungle population to chase you around like idiots."

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Two drunk idiots are sitting on top of a building...

Staring at the moon, one of 'em says, "Give me your flashlight, I'll turn it on, aim it at the moon and then you go climb up to the moon using the beam."

"No! You idiot! What if you turn it off when I'm midway!"

(English, not my native language, apologies.)

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A man, that gets drunk almost every night, sees his friend while walking.

This one notices that the drunk guy has both ears burned and very injured, so he asks:

"How did it happen?"

The other night my wife left the iron on, then someone called me, and I took accidentally the iron instead of the telephone.

Oh...That sucks. And the left ear?

The idiot called again.

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The wager

A drunk man stumbles on to the bar. The bartender starts shouting, "Hey, you idiot, off the bar!"

"Wait, *hick* I bet you a 100 bucks, I can piss into that glass right in front of you."
The bartender agrees.

The man proceeds to piss all over the bar, and onto the bartender, who just starts laughing. The guy completely misses the glass. The bartender helps him down, and the guy hands him a 100 bucks.

"You dumbass, you could barely stand. What the hell were you thinking?"

"Well, I bet my friend 200 bucks I could piss on you and your bar, and you'd like it!"

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Guy vomits on himself during a night out at the bar...

A guy vomits all over himself whilst getting royally plastered.

"Shit, now my wife is going to give me a royal ear-beating!"

Friend replies, "Ah, don't worry - I have just the idea. Here's 20 bucks - put it in your pocket, and say *another* guy puked on you, and he gave you 20 bucks for dry-cleaning!"

Drunk guy thinks this is a great idea and continues getting wasted.

Arrives home around 2am, and his wife is, of course, shocked at his appearance. "You drunk idiot!" she yells. "You puked all over yourself! Look at you!" and tears his pukey jacket off.

Man replies "No, it wasn't me! It was another guy who did it, and he gave me a 20 to get my clothes dry cleaned, check in my jacket pocket for yourself!"

Wife says "Wait... there's 40 bucks in here."

"Oh yeah, I forgot - he shit my pants, too!"

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It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.

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A man was in a bar one evening, when a drunk wandered over, shouting at the man "

I pulled your mum just now!" the sober man just ignored him and carried on drinking.
About half an hour later the drunk wandered over again.
This time he said: "Your mum just gave me a BJ and swallowed" again the man ignored and carried on talking to his mates.
Soon the very drunk man wandered over and shouted at the poor man: "I just fucked your mum, using every posistion possible."
Eventally the man bored of this idiot, turned around and said "Go home dad, you're drunk."

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I pointed to 2 old drunks

sitting across from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years"
He said,"That's a mirror idiot"

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What are the most funny Drunk Idiots jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Drunk Idiots? Well, here are the best Drunk Idiots dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Drunk Idiots pick up lines to share with friends.

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