Drunk Husband Jokes

A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police.

“Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer. “No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband. “Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.” The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?” “No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband. Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken. You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.” The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?” The wife said, “Only when he’s drunk.”

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

This guy's at a bar, and it's really late.

He's been drinking hard all night, and is so tanked he falls backwards right off the bar stool onto the floor.
He slowly climbs back up, takes another swig and slides right back onto the floor.
Finally, this other guy is sympathetic and offers to drive the guy home.
On the way out to the car, the drunk falls over a few times, and crawls the rest of the way to the car.
When they get to his house, he can't even walk, and falls five times on the way to his own front door.
The good samaritan helps him the rest of the way, and rings the doorbell.
The drunk's wife opens the door.
He says, "Sorry to wake you m'am. Your husband's had a few too many, so I drove him home for you."
The wife gratefully responds, "Thank you, sir, that's very kind of you."
"Where's his wheelchair?"

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.
When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,
"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"
She replied,
"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

A woman who was beaten black and blue, went to the doctor.

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.
Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.
He answered, "Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

Help! I need a push!

A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Tom is sitting at the bar....

and he's decides he's had enough to drink and tries to stand up to walk home and falls to the floor. he climbs back up to his bar stool and says hes gonna try it again. so he tries to stand up again and falls back to the floor. again he climbs back up on to his bar stool and says ill give it one more try and if i cant walk home ill just crawl. again right to a pile on the floor. Tom says "screw it ill just crawl home." he makes it all the way to his front porch and passes out. in the morning his wife opens the door to find her husband still passed out on the ground and says "Tom did you get drunk at the bar again?" Tom says "how did you know?" wife says "the bar called you forgot your wheelchair again!"

God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

Pushy Drunk

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.
"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."
"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror pulls to the side of the road.

After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."
Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80."
(The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You've known about that tail light for weeks."
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Officer, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No, officer. Only when he's drunk."

A s**... club owner is lamenting about his dwindling business to his wife.

A s**... club owner is eating breakfast with his wife. He begins to cry. "Honey, things are changing. Men just ain't spending money at t**... bars like they used to."
"Oh that can't be." She responds. "There are some things men will always go to a s**... club for."
"But honey, I've tried everything. They just seem disinterested these days." He hangs his head in defeat, wiping tears from his eyes.
His wife leans in to try to comfort him. "It's ok. Your business will come back around. Men will always enjoy being groped by a strangers, spending hundreds of dollars for the VIP experience, the occasional BJ in the bathroom, and getting black out drunk then waking up in a completely different city. That's what s**... clubs are for."
The husband looks up and responds. "I know, but Delta airlines offers a round trip."

Swish and swash the green tea.

A woman goes to the doctor looking all black and blue and says to the doctor: "Doctor! Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me black and blue!"
The doctor tells the lady: "Okay, I have the perfect solution! Take this green tea and whenever your husband comes home drunk, just put the green tea in your mouth and swish and swash it around until he is in bed and asleep."
The woman listens to the doctor and does exactly what he says.
Few weeks later, the woman returns to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says to the doctor, "Doctor! Your solution worked! How did you know it would work so well?"
The doctor replies, "See how much it helps when you shut your mouth?!"

So this guy is really drunk

So I'm at this bar and the guy next to me is really drunk. The bartender has really had enough of him, so I say to the guy, "Come on, guy, let's go, I'll drive you home." He's pretty drunk and just nods and barks a little. So I pull him out of the booth and he can't even walk, I'm trying to guide him to the door, and he just keeps falling down. This happens all the way to the car. Anyway, I get him in the car, and I ask him where he lives, he points and I follow his directions. He finally says, here. So I get out, go around and open his door and try to extract him out of my car, and he just can't walk, keeps stumbling and falling down, I'm doing my best to guide and help him but he just keeps falling down and hitting his head and stuff. I finally get him to his door and I ring the bell. A lady answers, presumably his wife and I say, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband is really drunk, so I drove him home", she says, "Yeah, Yeah, thanks, but where's his wheelchair?"

Drunk Husband

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

Cop Joke

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

A husband come home, drunk

*Knock knock*
"Honey can you open the door, I don't have my keys"
"No you can go away, you always come home drunk !"
"Please, I have flowers for the most beautiful woman !"
"Sigh" *She open the door*
"Where are the flowers ?" *she ask*
"Where is the most beautiful woman??"

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone's got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.
The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he'll do it, and he picks up the phone.
Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you
What's that? She asks suspiciously
The bad news is your husband lost $20,000 to me playing poker.
What! She screams. I'm going to kill him!
The drunk replies Well, that's the good news…

A cop pulls over a man and his wife

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,
"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"
She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

May Sound like a Joke to Some

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the table...
"Honey..your favorite breakfast is ready on the table,
i had to leave early to buy grocery...
i will come running back to you, my love.
I love you. ...
He gets surprised and asks his son..,
'what happened last night..?
Son told...,"
when mom pulled you to bed and tried
removing your boots and shirt..
you were dead drunk and you said......
" Hey Lady ! Leave Me Alone...
I M Married !!!

Typical wife behavior

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.
When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."