drunk husband Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious drunk husband puns

A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video"

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DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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A guy walks into a bar waving a handgun

and shouts "I want to know who's been fucking my wife!" One of the patrons swiveled around on his stool and drunkenly slurs, "What kind of gun is that? A Smith and Wesson 686?" The husband replies "What the fuck does that matter?!?" The drunk smiles and says, "Because a 686 only holds 6 bullets. You're gonna need to reload."

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Cop pulls over a couple

Cop: Your back tail light is out

Husband: I didn't know. I'll get it fixed tomorrow.

Wife:I told you two days ago to get it fixed.

Cop: Sir, your license is also expired.

Husband: I didn't realize that.

Wife: I told you last week that the state sent you a letter about that.

Husband: Honey, can you keep your damn mouth shut ?

Cop: Does your husband always talk to you like that ?

Wife: No. Only when he's drunk.

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A slightly drunk woman is watching tv...

She yells, "Don't go there! Don't go up the stairs! Don't go into the church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."

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A wife said, "Do you see that drunk guy?". The husbands said, "Yes. Who is he?". The wife said, "He proposed to me 10 years ago and I rejected him." The husband said...

"Oh my God! He's still celebrating."

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Husband and wife are walking down the street

Wife: Look at that drunk guy

Husband: Oh, do you know him?

Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him

Husband: Holy shit! He's still celebrating!

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A man and wife see a drunk guy

Ah, look at Patrick. says the wife.
Who's Patrick? says the husband.
The drunk guy, you know, we were a couple 10 years ago and he proposed to me back then. But I rejected him.
Good to see he's still celebrating.

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A husband stumbles into his house, drunk as hell...

He barges into his bedroom, clutching a duck under his arm and exclaims "this is the pig I sleep with every night!"
The wife says "that's a duck, dumbass."
The husband replies "Shut up, can't you see I'm having a conversation with my duck!"

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Regret

A slightly drunk woman is watching tv and yells
 
"Don't go there! Don't go to church you dumb bitch!"
 
Her husband asks "What are you watching?"
 
"Our wedding video"

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A drunk woman is watching tv and yelling...

"Don't go there. Don't go to the church you dumb bitch."

Her husband asks: "what are you watching?"

"Our wedding video"

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A woman goes to her doctor complaining that every time her husband comes home from drinking he beats her......

The doctor says that next time he comes home, open a bud light, take a swig and keep it in her mouth as long as possible without swallowing. Wife says ok and heads home
Two days later she is back and tells the doctor that it work amazingly, her husband came home drunk, so she grabbed the bud light, took as swig and kept it in her mouth for nearly ten minutes, her husband didn't hit her once!
Doctor looks at her and says "amazing what happens when you keep your mouth shut"

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God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

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Help! I need a push!

A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

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Girls Night Out

Two women had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. As they walked home incredibly drunk, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. However, her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave, and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn 'girls night out' have to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

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Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

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A man and a woman have been married for many years...

A man and a woman have been married for many years, and they love each other very much, except for the fact that the husband goes to the bar every night and always comes home drunk. She's become really sick of this after awhile, so she decided to play a trick on him.

She dresses up in a devil costume and jumps out in front of his car one night when he's coming home from the bar. Startled, he screeches to a halt.

"Who the hell are you?" he says with a drunken slur.

"I'm Satan," she replies.

"Oh really? Well I think we've met before," he states.

"Really? When?"

"Well, I'm married to your sister."

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No More Girls' Night Out

Two wives go out for a girls' night out. Both got drunk, started walking home, and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One wife used her panties and the other wife grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning, one husband called the other and said, "No more girls' night out! My wife came home with no panties!"

The other husband replied, "You think that's bad? Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'From all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you.'"

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Swish and swash the green tea.

A woman goes to the doctor looking all black and blue and says to the doctor: "Doctor! Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me black and blue!"

The doctor tells the lady: "Okay, I have the perfect solution! Take this green tea and whenever your husband comes home drunk, just put the green tea in your mouth and swish and swash it around until he is in bed and asleep."

The woman listens to the doctor and does exactly what he says.

Few weeks later, the woman returns to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says to the doctor, "Doctor! Your solution worked! How did you know it would work so well?"

The doctor replies, "See how much it helps when you shut your mouth?!"

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Woman beater

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

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A guy comes home drunk

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife,
who is most definitely not happy.


Where the hell have you been all night? she
demands.

At this new bar, he says. The Golden
Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden
doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!


The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next
day checks the phone book, finding a place across town
called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check
her husband's story.

Is this the Golden Saloon? she asks when the
bartender answers the phone.


Yes it is, bartender answers.

Do you have huge golden doors?

Sure do. Do you have golden floors?

Most certainly do.

What about golden urinals?


There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
yelling, Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy
that pissed in your saxophone last night!

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May Sound like a Joke to Some

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.


Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the table...

"Honey..your favorite breakfast is ready on the table,
i had to leave early to buy grocery...
i will come running back to you, my love.
I love you. ...

He gets surprised and asks his son..,
'what happened last night..?

Son told...,"

when mom pulled you to bed and tried
removing your boots and shirt..
you were dead drunk and you said......

" Hey Lady ! Leave Me Alone...
I M Married !!!

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A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

**

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A guy at a bar throws up on his shirt....

So he says to the bartender' " oh boy my wife is going to kill me". The bartender replies, "stick $10 in the top pocket tell your wife that some drunk guy puked on you and gave you $10 to clean the shirt".

The man goes home and hands his wife the shirt and says,"honey some guy threw up on me at the bar but he gave me $10 to clean the shirt".

The wife replies, "But there's $20 in this pocket".

Husband replies "oh yeah I forgot he also shit in my pants".

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So this guy is really drunk

So I'm at this bar and the guy next to me is really drunk. The bartender has really had enough of him, so I say to the guy, "Come on, guy, let's go, I'll drive you home." He's pretty drunk and just nods and barks a little. So I pull him out of the booth and he can't even walk, I'm trying to guide him to the door, and he just keeps falling down. This happens all the way to the car. Anyway, I get him in the car, and I ask him where he lives, he points and I follow his directions. He finally says, here. So I get out, go around and open his door and try to extract him out of my car, and he just can't walk, keeps stumbling and falling down, I'm doing my best to guide and help him but he just keeps falling down and hitting his head and stuff. I finally get him to his door and I ring the bell. A lady answers, presumably his wife and I say, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband is really drunk, so I drove him home", she says, "Yeah, Yeah, thanks, but where's his wheelchair?"

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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out

Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

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Two wives go out for girls night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties."

The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!

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A woman is sitting in bed, reading a magazine while her husband walks in drunk with a sheep under his arm....

... he says: look darling.. this is the PIG I fuck when you don't feel like having sex!
Wife: B.. but honey.. that's a sheep!
Husband: I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!

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Sweet Tea

A doctor walks in an exam room to find a woman crying. She has two black eyes, her make up is running, and generally looks like shit. This is not going to be a standard check-up, he thinks to himself. "What happened to you?" asked the Doc.


The woman breaks down even further and can barely speak between sobbing. "It's my husband. I just can't take it anymore. I love him, but I can't put up with this much longer," she says. "I'd do anything to make it stop."


The Doc closes his eyes and asks, "What happens exactly?"


"Everything is fine until the weekend. That's when the problems start. He goes out drinking with his buddies and plays cards, which he's horrible at." The Doc nods his head for her to continue. "He always comes home drunk and pissed off. Without fail, I end up getting beat."


He thinks for a moment and asks, "You'd do anything to make it better?"


"Yes, anything!"


"I want you to go home and make a pitcher of sweet tea." The Doc holds up his hand to stop the inevitable questions and continues. "When your husband comes home from his night of drinking, I want you to pour yourself a glass of tea. Take the biggest mouthful you can and hold it there until your husband goes to sleep. Do this and I promise you the beatings will stop."


The woman has doubt in her eyes, but is at the end of her rope. She'll try anything once at this point.


Several weeks go by and the Doc walks into an exam room to see the same woman. She looks a thousand times better, has a smile on her face, and best of all no signs of recent abuse.


"Doc, it worked! I did everything you asked." She's obviously excited. "I made that sweet tea and poured myself a glass. When my husband came home drunk after a bad night of cards, I took the biggest mouthful of tea I could. I held it there until he went to sleep." The Doc can see tears of happiness forming in the woman's eyes. "I think you've save my sanity and my marriage, thank you."


The Doc looks the woman in the eyes, "See what happens when you keep your fucking mouth shut?"

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Tom is sitting at the bar....

and he's decides he's had enough to drink and tries to stand up to walk home and falls to the floor. he climbs back up to his bar stool and says hes gonna try it again. so he tries to stand up again and falls back to the floor. again he climbs back up on to his bar stool and says ill give it one more try and if i cant walk home ill just crawl. again right to a pile on the floor. Tom says "screw it ill just crawl home." he makes it all the way to his front porch and passes out. in the morning his wife opens the door to find her husband still passed out on the ground and says "Tom did you get drunk at the bar again?" Tom says "how did you know?" wife says "the bar called you forgot your wheelchair again!"

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A man and his snails

One day, a gentleman's wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot. He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.

The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, "Wanna grab a pint?" To which the man replies, "No, I should really be getting back, my wife'll be pissed if I'm late for her dinner." So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand. The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes, "Shit! I'm 4 hours late for the fuckin dinner!" So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.

As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence. She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and damn near explodes.

"Where the hell have you been?! You're four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!"

The man, knowing he's fucked and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance. Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, "Five feet more lads, we're almost there!"

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Girls' Night Out

Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says

"No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties."

"You think you have it bad?" says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."

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Pushy Drunk

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.

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In a shelter for abused women.

My husband used to beat me on regular basis. Sometimes, he would get his drinking mates and they would stand one after another to beat me. But one day I said to myself: get a grip woman, enough is enough. So when my husband and his mates collapsed drunk, I run away to this shelter. After 6 months I feel much better. The thing I like the most about this place is that there is no punchline.

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A husband comes home late at night....

and he's piss drunk. His wife had been telling him to come home early, so to avoid her wrath, he passes out on the living room couch.

The next morning, he wakes up to the smell of bacon cooking. As he groggily makes his way toward the kitchen, he's greeted by his wife's smile.

"Good morning honey, would you like some coffee?"

He sits down in amazement as a full breakfast is awaiting him.

He looks up at his wife in puzzlement, and asks her why she isn't angry.

"Well," she explains, "I saw you sprawled on the sofa and I took off your shoes. When I tried to take off your pants, you yelled 'Stop! I have a wife!' "

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What are the most funny Drunk Husband jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Drunk Husband? Well, here are the best Drunk Husband dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Drunk Husband pick up lines to share with friends.

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