The Best 85 Drunk Driving Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Drunk Driving jokes. There are some drunk driving drunkard jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these drunk driving drunk people puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Drunk Driving Jokes and Puns

A drunk man was smoking drugs while driving.



The policeman stop him and says, "Show me you ID?"

The drunk man, "What drugs?"

Driving home from the bar, one of the boy's was showing off his new self-driving car.

"Look" he said proudly as the car stopped automatically at an intersection.

From the back seat, one of the drunks wakes up to say: "One way or another, don't all cars stop on their own?"

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Drunk Driving joke, What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.

A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.

Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.

Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.

The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"

"No, I'm not," says the man.

"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"

"I'm tonight's DD."

"Designated Driver?"

"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."


Driving Home Drunk

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Hey, you're too drunk to drive. Do you want me to call you a taxi?

"Sure, thanks."

"You're a taxi."

Drunk Driving joke, Hey, you're too drunk to drive. Do you want me to call you a taxi?

Superbowl Killing It

Yeah go ravens. Ray lewis is litterly "killing" the other team. He is practicly "driving" through them. I think he is "drunk" with happiness.

3 drunk men

Three men hail a taxi. The driverβ€”seeing that they're drunkβ€”decides to pull a fast one. So he switches the engine on, then quickly switches it off and announces, We're here!
The first guy hands him the fare, the second guy says, Thanks, but the third guy angrily smacks the
cabbie's head.
What was that for? asks the cabbie, afraid he's been caught.
That, says the passenger, is for driving so fast!

Two black guys are walking down the road when they are run over by a drunk-driving cop...

The first guy went through the windshield and the second guy was thrown 50 feet and landed in the ditch.

The first black guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second guy was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.

"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.

"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.

"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"

You can explore drunk driving alcoholics reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean drunk driving drunks dad jokes. There are also drunk driving puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Here's one my grampa told me when I was a small boy.

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



Cops are dicks

I got pulled over for what he thought was drunk driving. He asked me to say the alphabet backwards, and I just smiled and say "you first". Then he said "No it's Z" and arrested me.

So I was sitting on the porch drinking a beer as my wife was shoveling the snow....

An old lady from down the street was driving by slowly when she stopped in front of my house and rolled down her window. She looked at my wife, then looked at me before saying "Your sitting there getting drunk while your wife is doing all that hard work? YOU SHOULD BE HUNG!

I lifted my beer and yelled back "I AM. That's why I'm just sitting here."

A drunk driver gets pulled over

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The man first denies he is drunk, then walks a bit and falls on the ground. The cop says ''look how drunk you are, you can't even walk straight!'' On which the man replies, ''You see, that's why i was driving!''

So this nun is driving along...

... when suddenly a drunk staggers out into the road in front of her. She skids to a stop, gets out, and scolds him severely, making several derogatory remarks, and angrily lecturing him on how dangerous he was being. The drunk looks at her for a minute, then punches her in the face, knocking her out cold.

Standing over her prone form, the drunk grins triumphantly, and slurs out "Yeah! Not so tough now, are you Batman?".

Drunk Driving joke, So this nun is driving along...

I got pulled over drunk driving last night...

In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.

Not sure if this guy in front of me is drunk driving...

or a woman...

My mom sure is funny

You know you're too drunk to drive when...

The tree you swerved for is actually the air-freshener.


What's the difference between a Volkswagon TDI and a drunk person?

A drunk person can keep driving.

Driving high versus driving drunk: Drunks run stop signs.

Stoners stop and wait for them to turn green.

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

The Drunk Driver and The Cop

A drunk driver was caught while driving and the officer came to talk to him

Officer: Sir, How HIGH are You ?

Driver: Officer, I think you are DRUNK, its not How HI are you, its HI, How Are You.. :)

NSFW: Drunk driving Jethro hits two black pedestrians. Jethro asks Buford the Sheriff why he's cuffing the two dying black men...

... Buford says, "I'm arresting this one in your windshield for breaking and entering, and the other one laying in the corn field for leaving the scene of an accident"

Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk?

Because their wives are driving.

Drunk in a Taxi

So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."

As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"

The driver replies, "Sure!"

The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"

A police officer pulls over a driver...

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

How did the steak knife find himself after drunk driving?

In car, serrated

I sometimes text when I drive...

Sorry, i do really stupid stuff when i'm drunk.

I texted and drive sometimes

I guess we all do stupid things when we're drunk

For a first date date, my girlfriend wasn't impressed when I tried to drive over the frozen lake drunk.

But, it was an icebreaker.

Officer pulled me over and asked "Are you driving drunk?"

I politely replied "Nay! Toyota"

Last night I discovered the dangers of drunk driving...

...when I played Mario Kart on rainbow road after shotgunning 6 beers

Have you ever heard about Mothers Against Drunk Driving's lesser known sister organization "Fathers Against Drunk Driving"?

Probably not, it didn't last very long, it was only a fad.

Which Star Wars character was arrested for drunk driving?

Han Solo. Because he took a shot first.

Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?

Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af

Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

Two drunk guys walking home from the pub

They come across a bus depot and decide it would be quicker to steal a bus and drive it home.
One of the guys manages to get one started and shouts on his mate to hop on.
His mate replies " that bus number doesn't go to ours mate, am looking for the number 22."

A man gets pulled over for drunk driving...

To test if he's really drunk, the police officer tells the man to recite the alphabet backwards.

The man does it perfectly.

Impressed, the police officer says, "Wow! I couldn't do that if I were sober!"

The man replies with "Me neither!"

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.

When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

It really saddens me that police officers are so underpaid they have to take second jobs...

This lovely young officer pulled me over for drunk driving and is just going back to his car to get the stuff needed for a 'Cavity search'. Police officer and a dentist. What a hard working man.

A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."

Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."

Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."

Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."

Driver: "Me neither."

My son wanted me to buy him GTA

When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"

He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

A lion wouldn't drunk drive

But a tiger wood

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:

"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"

The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."

The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"

The professor responds: "My wife."

What did Steve Urcle say when he got pulled over for Drunk driving?

DUI do that?

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess...

So I got drunk and took her for a drive to get away from all of the paparazzi.

A drunk guy is driving around Paris...

He keeps crashing into everything, and almost kills several pedestrians. Eventually, he's about to cross a bridge, but he doesn't make it, and instead plunges his car into the water below. However, the guy doesn't seem to care, as he tries to keep driving.

A nearby ship: "What the heck is wrong with that driver?"

The car: "I don't know, but he's driving me in Seine!"

You were so drunk last night, you asked me to drive you home.

So what? It was responsible from me, no?

Bro, the party was in your house!

How do gay people drunk drive?

Not straight.

Drowsy driving is just as dangerous as drunk driving and Turkeys cause drowsiness when eaten, so buy hams instead.

*This ad was funded by A Fuckton of Turkeys*

Please, I need a ride, I'm too drunk to drive...

Where do you need to go?

To the store to get more drinks

(true story)

There was an alcoholic Jedi who used the Jedi mind trick to get a drunk driving incident removed from his record.

They called him DUI-Gone Gin.

Please be extra careful on the roads this Holiday Season

There have been various reports of men getting very heavily drunk and allowing their wives to drive!

LPT: Be careful driving on New Years Eve

A lot of men will be drunk, so their wives and girlfriends will be the ones driving.

Drunk driving

A drunk guy was driving home on the wrong side of the road. His wife saw the scene live on TV and in horror rushed to call him: "Hello?! Are you driving home? Be careful, there is a madman driving on the wrong side of the road!". He replies: "I know, there isn't only one, there are hundreds!".

A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...

A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver was tired and knew that they were drunk so he simply started the engine, turned it off again and told them "We're here".

The 1st guy gave him money &
the 2nd guy said "thank you" and they both got out.
The 3rd guy waited, and slapped the driver.

The driver was shocked, and thought the 3rd drunk had figured out his scheme.
He asked "Whats that for !?"

The 3rd guy paused for a bit, and replied:
" Next time drive slowly "

Dark humor is like drunk driving

It kills when you cross over the line.

A warning to be careful about drunk driving..

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.

On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....

I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..

Remember the guy who got molested by his alcoholic father?

He showed up in court the other day for drunk driving and the judge said, "Looks like your old man rubbed off on you"

My brother got roaring drunk, and his car went off the bridge right where the Mississippi and Missouri rivers come together.

He was arrested for driving under the confluence.

A drunk guy is driving in the wrong way

The police immediately pulls him over and says "YOU MORON! DIDN'T YOU SEE THE ARROWS?"

"Whaaat? I didn't see the indigenous, let alone the arrows!"

"Don't Stop Me Now" is a great song.

Probably not best played when you're drunk driving.

Give a sober man a car and he will drive for an hour,

Give a drunk man a car and he will drive for the rest of his life.

They say don't drink and drive.

They also say don't let your friends drive drunk...
Well which one is it?
Somebodies got to drive.

I sadly lost a good friend tonight, due to drunk driving.

But I'll sober up and find him in the morning.

Walking home drunk

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

I just realized it's much safer to drive drunk

Because you see the street signs twice and you don't miss them.

When I'm drunk, I don't drive

Well

My local golf club proposed a new rule that people are no longer allowed to play while drunk.

Yeah, I guess there was too many people driving under the influence.

What's the difference between a DUI and a OUI?

One's drunk driving and the other is yes in French.

What happens when you put a bar at a golf range? (OC)

A lot of drunk driving.

Be careful driving on the road after your New Years party...

...Husbands are getting drunk and letting their wives drive

Why was the dwarf alcoholic having trouble driving?

Well, he was a little drunk.

Drunk driving is extremely gay.

You just can't think straight.

A policeman pulled me over.

"Sir, were you drunk driving?" he asked me.

"No," I slurred.

"I'm going to need to step out of your vehicle immediately," he stated.

I laughed. "You're a moron!"

"I'm a moron, am I? How so?"

"You think this is my car."

An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.

They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.

American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.

European: I'll have a watery rum! I'll stay up for the drive.

Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!

The American and the European are astonished!! The European asks the Asian why he ordered all of that alcohol.

Asian: Isn't it obvious? You guys won't let me drive anyway.

I tried to create an organization for dads to protest drunk driving

But it was just a FADD.

Renes Descartes goes into a bar

The barkeeper asks him: "You want a beer?"

Descartes agrees and after that he drinks many more.

Later when he is quite drunk he grabs his keys and moves towards his car.

The barkeeper stops him from entering the car and asks him: "Do you really think, driving your state is a good idea?"

Descartes replies: "Yeah, you're right. I don't think..." and abruptly stops existing.

At 3'o'clock in the morning, a wife hears her husband stumble in through the door,

She goes down stairs and sees him standing in the doorway drunk.

she says Have you been drinking?

the husband laughed and said No honey, I drove home.

The wife's face drops and she begins to panic.

The husband then starts to freak out and says What's wrong?!

The wife looks at him and angrily says
You can't drive and neither of us own a car.

Two drunks stumble out of a hotel...

...and manage to get into one of the cabs. After a bit of a process getting seated, one of them tells the cabbie.

"To the Grand Hotel please."

The cabbie turns around and says, "But we're already at the Grand Hotel."

One of the drunks gives the cabbie a bill, and says, "Next time, don't drive quite so fast."

Drunk driver

A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn't her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "mam, he could do that in his own backyard.

3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...

1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".

2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".

3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".

1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

Three drunk men entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, and they didn't give him the destination they wanted so he decided not to drive but instead he wanted to play a trick on them by turning on the engine and staying there for a moment.

A while after doing so, the taxi driver turned the engine off and told the three drunk men they arrived.

The first man handed the driver a handful of pennies as he exited.
The second man gave the driver a $20 bill and said "Thanks".
The third man did not pay the driver, he gave him a little punch on the arm and said, "Don't speed, you almost had us killed."

What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

When driving, a drunk will approach a stop sign and may speed right through it.

A stoner will actually stop... and wait for it to turn green.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the drunk driving drunk knock knock jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working drunk driving drunk man piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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