Drunk Driver Jokes
98 drunk driver jokes and hilarious drunk driver puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drunk driver that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Drunk Driver Short Jokes
Short drunk driver jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drunk driver humour may include short drunk and drive jokes also.
- Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car - What's the difference between a high and drunk driver? The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.
- Something to consider if you have a program that keeps crashing. Maybe it has a drunk Driver?
- The day I can't do my job drunk is the day I hand over my keys today was my last day as a school bus driver
- A drunk driver gets pulled over A drunk driver gets pulled over by a cop
The cop asks him "how high are you?"
The drunk driver then says "isn't it supposed to be hi, how are you?" - I got really wasted and decided that uber was the way to go But according to the police taxi's only work for drunk people when they AREN'T the driver
- Cop: Why are you drunk behind the wheel? Driver: My wife gave birth
Cop: Why is there a body in the trunk?
Driver: He's the father. - [demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
"Go left."
-"Dude those are trees."
"trust me." - A cop stops a drunk driver Cop - Sir, please step out of the vehicle
Drunk Man - I am too drunk, why don't you get in. - If my wife isn't careful she'll get hit by a drunk driver tonight. But we'll just tell her dad she fell down the stairs.
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Drunk Driver One Liners
Which drunk driver one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drunk driver? I can suggest the ones about drunk man and drunk guy.
- What do you call an intoxicated golfer? A drunk driver.
- Why are drunk drivers the best voters? Because they always hit the poles.
- What Do Drunk Drivers And Pokémon Go Have In Common Frequent crashes
- What do you need when your graphics card is drunk? A new driver.
- What kind of ice cream do drunk drivers like? Soft swerve!
- My mother was hit by a drunk driver. She was giving dad lip.
- What do you call a drunk driver a screw driver
- Drunk drivers run stop signs Stones wait for them to turn green.
- If two negatives make a positive. Shouldn't that make drunk women the best drivers?
- My s**... are like drunk drivers Always crashing in the bushes.
Howlingly Hilarious Drunk Driver Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about drunk driver you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drinking and driving jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drunk driver pranks.
Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.
The taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them: "we have arrived".
The first man gave him money.
The second one thanked the taxi driver.
The third one slapped him (the taxi driver).
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them had realized that the car didn't move an inch, but he faked surprise and asked the third man: "what was that for?".
The drunken man replied: "control your speed next time! you nearly killed us!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A trooper stops a car and he tells the driver he stopped him for speeding.
The irate driver says, "You're nuts, I wasn't speeding!"
The driver's wife says, "Oh you old fool you are always driving too fast!"
The driver yells at his wife, "shut up, old lady."
The trooper is taken aback by the exchange but tells the driver he also is in violation the seat belt law.
The driver once again complains that he was wearing his seatbelt.
The wife states, "You never wear your seatbelt."
Driver "I am going to s**... you if you dont shut up".
Not wanting a fight the trooper asked the wife, "Does he always talk to you that way?"
"ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK," the wife states.
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers.
At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.
The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights.
He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel.
There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit.
After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says,
"It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away.
A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer.
"I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a u**... sample."
"I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line."
"I can't do that either, officer."
The officer was getting irritated... "And why not?"
"Because I'm dead drunk."
Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......
.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."
Heard this one from one if my favorite comedians...
I'll leave out the little bit of backstory.
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law are in a car driving down a highway near Miami.
A cop, who has been following him for quite some time, pulls him over to the side of the road.
The cop walks up to him and says "I've been watching you drive for the past couple of miles here, and you've shown excellent driving skills. You see, every month we have a $500 reward for the best driver. Today's your lucky day!"
So, as promised, the cop brings the man $500, and asks "So what are you going to do with all the money you won?"
To which the man replies "I'll probably use it to get my license."
The wife quickly intervenes, saying "Don't listen to him! He always talks crazy when he's drunk!"
The mother-in-law then says "I told you we'd get in trouble in a stolen car."
Driving Home Drunk
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt..
tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, " So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend the money on?" To a reply of, " yes, i do mind your asking, and frankly, i don't think its any of your business." The officer of course is stunned, but , as he goes to leave, the drivers objects. "If you must know, i'll probably spend it on getting my drivers license." The cop is taken aback, as the passenger says, " Oh don't listen to him, he's drunk." Shortly thereafter, a knocking comes from the trunk, and a muffled voice says, " are we over the border yet?"
edited for grammar n**....
So a policeman is in pursuit of a drunk driver...
...and this drunk is barreling at high speeds, nearly destroying everything in it's path. Finally the car hits a telephone pole and the car stops. The policeman jumps out of his car, runs up to the trashed car and pulls out the driver screaming, "YOU'RE DRUNK!"
The driver responds "Thank God. I thought my brakes and steering went out!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The more you read, the better it gets.
A man was driving down the road when a police officer pulls him over. "Congratulations," says the police man. "You've won $500 in a safety contest for wearing your seat belt. What are you going to do with the money?"
The driver says, "Oh, I'm probably going to go to the driver's academy and get my license."
The woman in the passenger seat says, "Oh, don't mind him. He's s**... when he's drunk."
This wakes up the person sitting in the backseat, who says "Oh darn, I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
Then a voice from the trunk says in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
A joke I received from my cousin this morning.
4 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine, kept it started for 5 mins then turned it off again. He then told them"We have reached".
The 1st guy was too drunk.Without saying a word he got out of the taxi.
The 2nd guy gave him money.
The 3rd guy got out and said "thank you".
The 4th guy slapped the driver.
The driver was shocked, he thought the 4th guy knew what he did. But he asked "what was that for"?
The 4th guy replied: "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us"!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A policeman pulls over a driver...
for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
I can't do that, officer.
Why not?
Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.
Okay, we'll just get a u**... sample down at the station.
Can't do that either, officer.
Why not?
Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.
Alright, we could get a blood sample.
Can't do that either, officer.
Why not?
Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.
Fine then, just walk this white line.
Can't do that either, officer.
Why not?
Because I'm drunk.
In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home...
In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home and no cars would stop. When out of the blue a car pulled up moving very slowly and stopped right in front of him. Asking no questions he jumps into the back seat - relived that finally he had a lift. As the excitement of the lift subsided - he realized that the car had no driver. The car started moving again. The man braced himself as the car moved towards a couple of bends. As the car hit the bends a mysterious hand would pop through the window and turn the car. The man was completely freaked out by this. Ghost car! When he could take no more of this he jumped out of the car and ran for dear life. He came up to a tavern and had to go in for a drink. Inside there were fellow drinkers enjoying their drinks and he just had to let them know what had happened to him. At first the other fellows laughed but then the man started crying...and they thought it has to be true. At that moment two guys stormed into the tavern...shouting, " we ran out of gas and while we were pushing our car some mad man jumped in... Did he happen to come in here?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Driving on the highway
Ed was driving on the highway when a cop pulled him over and informed him that he'd won a $1000 safe driving award.
"So what are you going to spend the money on?" asked the cop
"I guess I'll use it to get that drivers' license." smiled Ed.
"Take no notice, officer," said Jenny in the passenger seat. "He's a real smartass when he's drunk and s**...."
Just then Ray in the back seat hissed: "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
As the cop took all this in, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said: "Are we over the border yet?"
Drunk man refuses to pay bus fare.
On Friday night a drunk man gets on a bus. Bus driver tells him its $1.25 and the drunk reaches into his pocket slowly trying not to fall. The bus driver notices this and steps on the gas causing the drunk to fumble to the back of the bus. Then the bus driver steps on the break pedal and caused the drink to stumble to the front of the bus. The bus driver does this multiple time over the course of 10 blocks until the drunk tells him his stop is the next. The bus driver reminds him he still has to pay. The drunk says "what for? I walked the whole way!"
Driving home very drunk
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
A male driver with his wife is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A hearty laugh after a long time.
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
3 drunk guys got into a taxi...
...The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and after a few seconds, simply turned it off again.
Taxi driver: We have reached your destination!
The first guy gave him some money and the second guy thanked him as they clambered out of the car.
The third guy slapped the taxi driver across the face. The taxi driver was shocked, thinking the third guy was drunk.
Taxi driver: What was that for??
Third guy: Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver is stopped by the police...
...and the officer asks whether he's drunk or took any drugs. The driver denies but the policeman wants to investigate further and starts asking questions:
Officer: "You see two lights in the distance, what's that?"
Man: "A car, of course"
Officer: "yeah, but what car? A Mercedes, a BMW, an Audi, ...?"
Man: "How am I supposed to know?"
Officer: "Ok, different question: you see one light in the distance, what's that?"
Man: "a motorcycle!"
Officer: "yeah, but what motorcycle? A Harley Davidson, a Kawasaki, ...?"
The man is fed up so he answers:
"Let me ask you something first: you see a half n**... women standing next to the street, what's that?"
Officer: "a h**...!"
Man: "yeah, but what h**...? Your mother, your sister, your wife?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer pulls over a car
A police officer follows a car for many miles, and surprisingly for him, the driving is just perfect. The driver obeys all traffic signs, blinks when necessary, does not speed. The police officer is surprised and pulls over the car. In the car there is a family - a guy driving, his wife in the passenger seat and his mother-in-law sleeping in the back seat.
The guy rolls down the window "Is there a problem officer?"
"Hello, Sir. I see that your driving is perfect and pulled you over to thank you. May I inform you that you won this months $ 5000 safest driver award. Here is the check. What do you want to do with this money?"
The guy: "Wow thanks man, I am going to buy me a driving license"
Guys wife: "Don't listen to him officer, he always acts s**... when he's drunk and s**..."
The mother-in-law wakes up and sees the police officer "Jack, I told you we wouldn't get far in a stolen car"
Suddenly, the trunk pops and the father-in-law appears "Are we over the border yet?"
A drunk sits down in the taxi...
Taxi driver: "Where to?"
"Home"
"Ehh... could you be more specific?"
"The living room"
The Indian Driver
An Indian guy was driving with his family, when he noticed that a cop car was following him. After a couple seconds, he pulled over, and one of the cops came out to his window. He rolled it down and asked, "Is there a problem, officer?"
The cop said, "No, no problem at all, sir. We have been observing you for your entire right. You've stuck to the speed limit, followed traffic rules and were respectful to other drivers. It's Road Safety week so you've been selected as the Best Driver today. So allow me to present to you this $1000 cheque as a token of our appreciation."
The Indian was so pleased. "Great! Now I finally have money for a driver's license."
The officer did a double take. Immediately, the Indian's wife said, "Oh, don't mind him, officer, he blabbers when he's drunk."
This prompted the driver's old mom to mutter, "See, this is why you shouldn't pull over when you're driving a stolen car."
Cop Joke
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A drunk driver gets pulled over
A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The man first denies he is drunk, then walks a bit and falls on the ground. The cop says ''look how drunk you are, you can't even walk straight!'' On which the man replies, ''You see, that's why i was driving!''
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and
informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
Just say "thank you" and drive away
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Drunk in a Taxi
So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."
As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"
The driver replies, "Sure!"
The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
A driver was swerving all over the road...
... then was pulled over by a police officer. The police officer knocked on the door and said,
"Sir, please blow into this machine"
"Sorry officer, I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because I have asthma, and it might trigger an asthma attack"
"Okay, could we get a blood sample then?"
"Sorry officer, I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because I have diabetes, and it might upset my blood sugar level"
"Okay, then just step outside your car and walk in a straight line"
"Sorry officer, I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk"
Three Drunks Get into a Taxi
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"
A car
A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".
All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?" A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"
A Driver gets Pulled Over
A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."
A driver is stopped by the police...
The officer says:
-Congratulations! You are the 100th person who has remembered to use a seatbelt today, and therefore you have won $1000. What will you spend the money on?
Driver:
-Well, a driving license I think?
The passenger sitting next to him hurries to say:
-You should not listen to him, he's drunk!
A sound is heard from the back seat:
-I knew stealing a car was a bad idea.
At the same time, a foreign accent is heard from the trunk:
-Have we passed the border yet?
A drunk guy is driving around Paris...
He keeps crashing into everything, and almost kills several pedestrians. Eventually, he's about to cross a bridge, but he doesn't make it, and instead plunges his car into the water below. However, the guy doesn't seem to care, as he tries to keep driving.
A nearby ship: "What the heck is wrong with that driver?"
The car: "I don't know, but he's driving me in Seine!"
A police officer stops a car and says:
- "Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge - you win $10,000!"
- "What will you do with that money?"
The driver gets very emotional and says,
- "First of all, I'll finally make my drivers license!"
The wife cuts in,
- "Don't listen to him, officer, he's still drunk!"
A-hard-of-hearing granny from the backseat grumbles,
- "I knew we shouldn't have taken the stolen car!"
A voice from the trunk adds,
- "Hey, are we past the border yet?"
My town's public works department is so bad that police has trouble picking drunk drivers up
Everybody is swerving around the potholes
A taxi driver was complaining to me that he didn't want to be working over the Christmas holiday.
I said, "Yeah, it must be difficult overcharging drunk people."
How does a Michigan cop spot a drunk driver?
They are the only one *not* swerving all over the road!
A drunk driver gets pulled over by a skeleton.
He says "what seems to be the problem, ossifer?"
Driver's License Test Question:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
.
.
.
.
Get off the Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk!
3 drunk guys entered a taxi
The driver- who knew the 3 of them were drunk, started the engine and then shut it off again after a few seconds. He then tells them, "alright guys we're here now!"
The first drunk guy gave the taxi driver money. The second drunk guy smiled then said, "thank you and keep the change." The third drunk guy slapped the driver hard across the face.
The driver was shocked, thinking the third guy knew what he had just done. But then he turned and asked him, "hey what was that for!?"
The third drunk guy replied, "control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
Drunk drivers are the safest drivers.
The chance of collision is low since everyone's trying to get away from them.
Recent studies find that increasing the severity of DUI laws has little deterring effect on drunk drivers
More great work from the University of Kiefer Sutherland
3 drunk men get into a taxi...
3 drunk men get into a taxi. After listening to the instructions from the men, the driver realised that he could scam them easily. So he turned on the engine, revved it a bit and turned it off.
The first one paid, got out and walked away, the second walked out and threw up in the bushes, but to his horror, the cab driver saw the third man heading for the driver's side door, assuming the gig was up, the driver prepared to make a run for it.
Before he could, the man reached in and slapped him twice, and said in a loud voice,"next time don't drive so fast!".
(Apologies if I butchered the joke)
A drunk man walks out of the casino.
He stops a cab and asks the driver,
"Take me anywhere you want and I'll pay what you want"
The driver responds,
"Sure, pay me 50 dollars and stay where you are"
A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver
"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"
The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".
His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."
Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't going to go far with a stolen car..."
A voice comes out of the trunk "Did we pass the border yet ?"
A drunk guy gets into a taxi..
-Ehh.. 'scuse me, driver... would it be okay if.. I left a few beers, some fried chicken, 2 tequila shots and some rice on your back seat?
-(confused)Ehm, sure.
*#vomits#*
Sorry people, I had to.
Really drunk people?
3 men entered a taxi. The taxi driver could tell that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off. He then proceeded to tell them that they had reached their destination. The first guy gave him the money and the second guy thanked the taxi driver. The third guy suddenly slapped the driver. The driver was shocked; he was wondering if the third guy could see through his dishonesty. He then asked What was that for? The third guy, with a furious face yelled Control your speed next time you almost killed us!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I got her!''
A drunk old man gets into a taxi Mercedes E Class. After a short time, he asks, "Why do Mercedes cars have that on their bonnet?"
The driver jokingly replies, "It is there so I could aim pedestrians."
He accelerates sharply, narrowly missing out an old lady which was passing the street. After that, he heard a massive thump.
"What the b**... h**... was that??" the driver asked
The drunk man replies, "You missed her, I got her with my door".
The Party
A guy at a party was so drunk, he wanted to go home to sleep. His friend told him:
\- Dude,where are you going? This party is fun!
\- I'm calling a taxi and going home...
\- Wait dude!
The man got on the taxi and paid twice the price. The taxi driver asks him:
\- Why did you pay twice the price?
\- Oh, aren't you coming with me?
At that moment the friend tells the driver to stop and tells the man who left the party.
\- Dude, don't leave!!
\- Why?
\- The party is at your house...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Nuns
Three nuns are walking down a street when they get hit by a drunk driver in a semi truck; dead on impact. Now they are waiting at the gate to be let into heaven. They are told they each have to answer one question correctly to be let in. If they answer wrong, they go straight to h**.... The first nun is asked what was the name or the first woman. She says Eve; bells ring and the gate opens. The second nun is asked what was the name of the first man. She answers Adam, and she is allowed to enter. The final nun was asked the first thing Eve said to Adam. So sits and thinks for twenty minutes or so before finally giving up and saying "That's a hard one." The bells ring and the gate opens.
A cop pulls over a car...
Officer: Good evening, our squad decided to reward the best driver we saw all day, so congratulations you just earned 200 dollars. What will you do with the money?
Driver: Get my drivers license.
Officer: Wait, what?
Wife: He's only driving well because he's drunk.
Officer: W-what?
Son: Dad, are this the people that you call pigs all the time?
Officer: WHAT?
Mother in law: The car isn't even his.
Officer: WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Cousins in the trunk: Are we at the boarder yet?
Officer: WHAT THE FU-
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cop pulled over a guy he suspected of driving under the influence.
He told the driver he'd have to take a breathalyzer test..
"Sorry, officer but I've got asthma and a breathalyzer might trigger anaphylaxis attack."
"Okay well then you'll have to do a u**... test"
"Afraid I can't do that either. You see I have diabetes and my u**... has all kinds of stuff in it that would throw a test off."
"OK fine. Then step out of your car and walk a white line."
"Nope can't do that either."
"Oh yeah, so what's your excuse this time."
"Cuz I'm drunk, ya dumb a**...!
Found this one in my 2014 meme stash
A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"
"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."
"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."
Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you spot the drunk driver in Pittsburgh?
They're the only ones not swerving to avoid the p**... holes.
Drunk driver
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn't her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "mam, he could do that in his own backyard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
English Football joke.
A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a
breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man
is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'
So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then
pulls out another card which read 'this man is anemic, please
do not take his blood'. Finally the police, getting p**... off asks
him to take a u**... test, finally the man pulled out his
Manchester United season ticket which read 'this man is a
Manchester United fan, please do not take the p**....
(Edit works with other teams as well.)