Drunk And Drive Jokes
97 drunk and drive jokes and hilarious drunk and drive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drunk and drive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Drunk And Drive Short Jokes
Short drunk and drive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drunk and drive humour may include short drinking and driving jokes also.
- What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
- Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car - I had a few drinks last night so I left my car and took a bus instead Turns out I can't drive a bus very well when I'm drunk either
- I was drunk, the landlord of the pub told me to take a bus home Turns out, I wasn't fit to drive that either.
- The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- I just realized it's much safer to drive drunk Because you see the street signs twice and you don't miss them.
- I drove home drunk last night.. ..to find my girlfriend waiting at the door.
She yelled Why are you driving half drunk?
I said, I'm sorry, I ran out of money - A lot of people text while driving. I'm not excusing it, but we've all done things we regret while we're drunk.
- I tried to create an organization for dads to protest drunk driving But it was just a FADD.
- Police thought that I was too drunk to be driving... When they stopped me, they asked me to say the alphabet starting with"M"
They put me in the back of the patrol when I replied:
"Malphabet"
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Drunk And Drive One Liners
Which drunk and drive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drunk and drive? I can suggest the ones about drunk driver and driving under the influence.
- A lion would never drive while drunk. But a tiger wood.
- Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk? Because their wives are driving.
- Dark humor is like drunk driving It kills when you cross over the line.
- What did Steve Urcle say when he got pulled over for Drunk driving? DUI do that?
- "Don't Stop Me Now" is a great song. Probably not best played when you're drunk driving.
- Why was the dwarf alcoholic having trouble driving? Well, he was a little drunk.
- What happens when you put a bar at a golf range? A lot of drunk driving.
- When I'm drunk, I don't drive Well
- How did the steak knife find himself after drunk driving? In car, serrated
- While many mothers are against drunk driving all dadds are against drunk driving.
- what is wrong with people who drunk drive? Nothing
- Tiger Woods got arrested for driving drunk... Should have hit an iron instead.
- I've never had a problem with drunk driving Because when I am drunk I fly a plane!
- Buzzed driving is drunk driving... That's why I take an Uber to work in the morning.
- Aliens who abducted a drunk Russian gave in... and let him drive for a bit.
Drunk And Drive Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about drunk and drive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drunk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drunk and drive pranks.
A drunk man was smoking drugs while driving.
The policeman stop him and says, "Show me you ID?"
The drunk man, "What drugs?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo' Mama is so s**..., when she was pulled over for drunk driving and asked to walk a line, she said, "Which one?"
Driving home from the bar, one of the boy's was showing off his new self-driving car.
"Look" he said proudly as the car stopped automatically at an intersection.
From the back seat, one of the drunks wakes up to say: "One way or another, don't all cars stop on their own?"
Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......
.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."
Driving Home Drunk
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Hey, you're too drunk to drive. Do you want me to call you a taxi?
"Sure, thanks."
"You're a taxi."
Superbowl Killing It
Yeah go ravens. Ray lewis is litterly "killing" the other team. He is practicly "driving" through them. I think he is "drunk" with happiness.
Two black guys are walking down the road when they are run over by a drunk-driving cop...
The first guy went through the windshield and the second guy was thrown 50 feet and landed in the ditch.
The first black guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second guy was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
Here's one my grampa told me when I was a small boy.
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over. "Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cops are d**...
I got pulled over for what he thought was drunk driving. He asked me to say the alphabet backwards, and I just smiled and say "you first". Then he said "No it's Z" and arrested me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My catholic friend was arrested for drunk driving in batman costume....they gave this
**Christian, Bail**
A drunk driver gets pulled over
A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The man first denies he is drunk, then walks a bit and falls on the ground. The cop says ''look how drunk you are, you can't even walk straight!'' On which the man replies, ''You see, that's why i was driving!''
So this nun is driving along...
... when suddenly a drunk staggers out into the road in front of her. She skids to a stop, gets out, and scolds him severely, making several derogatory remarks, and angrily lecturing him on how dangerous he was being. The drunk looks at her for a minute, then punches her in the face, knocking her out cold.
Standing over her prone form, the drunk grins triumphantly, and slurs out "Yeah! Not so tough now, are you Batman?".
I got pulled over drunk driving last night...
In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.
Not sure if this guy in front of me is drunk driving...
or a woman...
My mom sure is funny
What's the difference between a Volkswagon TDI and a drunk person?
A drunk person can keep driving.
A drunk guy calls a radio station...
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
Drunk in a Taxi
So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."
As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"
The driver replies, "Sure!"
The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I texted and drive sometimes
I guess we all do s**... things when we're drunk
For a first date date, my girlfriend wasn't impressed when I tried to drive over the frozen lake drunk.
But, it was an icebreaker.
Officer pulled me over and asked "Are you driving drunk?"
I politely replied "Nay! Toyota"
Last night I discovered the dangers of drunk driving...
...when I played Mario Kart on rainbow road after shotgunning 6 beers
Have you ever heard about Mothers Against Drunk Driving's lesser known sister organization "Fathers Against Drunk Driving"?
Probably not, it didn't last very long, it was only a fad.
Which Star Wars character was arrested for drunk driving?
Han Solo. Because he took a shot first.
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.
When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
It really saddens me that police officers are so underpaid they have to take second jobs...
This lovely young officer pulled me over for drunk driving and is just going back to his car to get the stuff needed for a 'Cavity search'. Police officer and a dentist. What a hard working man.
A Driver gets Pulled Over
A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess...
So I got drunk and took her for a drive to get away from all of the paparazzi.
A drunk guy is driving around Paris...
He keeps crashing into everything, and almost kills several pedestrians. Eventually, he's about to cross a bridge, but he doesn't make it, and instead plunges his car into the water below. However, the guy doesn't seem to care, as he tries to keep driving.
A nearby ship: "What the heck is wrong with that driver?"
The car: "I don't know, but he's driving me in Seine!"
You were so drunk last night, you asked me to drive you home.
So what? It was responsible from me, no?
Bro, the party was in your house!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do gay people drunk drive?
Not straight.
Drowsy driving is just as dangerous as drunk driving and Turkeys cause drowsiness when eaten, so buy hams instead.
*This ad was funded by A Fuckton of Turkeys*
Please, I need a ride, I'm too drunk to drive...
Where do you need to go?
To the store to get more drinks
(true story)
There was an alcoholic Jedi who used the Jedi mind trick to get a drunk driving incident removed from his record.
They called him DUI-Gone Gin.
Drunk driving
A drunk guy was driving home on the wrong side of the road. His wife saw the scene live on TV and in horror rushed to call him: "Hello?! Are you driving home? Be careful, there is a madman driving on the wrong side of the road!". He replies: "I know, there isn't only one, there are hundreds!".
A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...
A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"
A warning to be careful about drunk driving..
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.
On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Remember the guy who got molested by his alcoholic father?
He showed up in court the other day for drunk driving and the judge said, "Looks like your old man rubbed off on you"
My brother got roaring drunk, and his car went off the bridge right where the Mississippi and Missouri rivers come together.
He was arrested for driving under the confluence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk guy is driving in the wrong way
The police immediately pulls him over and says "YOU m**...! DIDN'T YOU SEE THE ARROWS?"
"Whaaat? I didn't see the indigenous, let alone the arrows!"
Give a sober man a car and he will drive for an hour,
Give a drunk man a car and he will drive for the rest of his life.
They say don't drink and drive.
They also say don't let your friends drive drunk...
Well which one is it?
Somebodies got to drive.
I sadly lost a good friend tonight, due to drunk driving.
But I'll sober up and find him in the morning.
My local golf club proposed a new rule that people are no longer allowed to play while drunk.
Yeah, I guess there was too many people driving under the influence.
What's the difference between a DUI and a OUI?
One's drunk driving and the other is yes in French.
Guys, I got pulled over driving drunk on the way home...
Cop told me to get out of the car.
I told him I was too drunk to stand so he needs to get in here.
Not sure what to do next...
Be careful driving on the road after your New Years party...
...Husbands are getting drunk and letting their wives drive
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A policeman pulled me over.
"Sir, were you drunk driving?" he asked me.
"No," I slurred.
"I'm going to need to step out of your vehicle immediately," he stated.
I laughed. "You're a m**...!"
"I'm a m**..., am I? How so?"
"You think this is my car."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.
They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.
American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.
European: I'll have a watery r**...! I'll stay up for the drive.
Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!
The American and the European are astonished!! The European asks the Asian why he ordered all of that alcohol.
Asian: Isn't it obvious? You guys won't let me drive anyway.
At 3'o'clock in the morning, a wife hears her husband stumble in through the door,
She goes down stairs and sees him standing in the doorway drunk.
she says Have you been drinking?
the husband laughed and said No honey, I drove home.
The wife's face drops and she begins to panic.
The husband then starts to freak out and says What's wrong?!
The wife looks at him and angrily says
You can't drive and neither of us own a car.
Two drunks stumble out of a hotel...
...and manage to get into one of the cabs. After a bit of a process getting seated, one of them tells the cabbie.
"To the Grand Hotel please."
The cabbie turns around and says, "But we're already at the Grand Hotel."
One of the drunks gives the cabbie a bill, and says, "Next time, don't drive quite so fast."
Drunk driver
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn't her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "mam, he could do that in his own backyard.
3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...
1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".
2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".
3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".
1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
Three drunk men entered a taxi.
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, and they didn't give him the destination they wanted so he decided not to drive but instead he wanted to play a trick on them by turning on the engine and staying there for a moment.
A while after doing so, the taxi driver turned the engine off and told the three drunk men they arrived.
The first man handed the driver a handful of pennies as he exited.
The second man gave the driver a $20 bill and said "Thanks".
The third man did not pay the driver, he gave him a little punch on the arm and said, "Don't speed, you almost had us killed."
A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
I got pulled over for riding a bike drunk
I got pulled over by the cops for riding a bike drunk. The cop asks me; "what do you think you're doing riding a bike drunk?"
So I told him, " I'm too drunk to drive, and every time I try and walk I fall down. So I stole the bike"
Anyhow, long story short, I need bail money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three drunks enter a taxi
the driver immediately notices that they were drunk, and decided to make a quick buck out of them.
When they entered the car, he drove 100 meters, made a turn and told them that they arrived at their destination.
The first one thanks the driver and leaves. The second thanks him, give him money and then leaves. The third realizes that something was wrong and slaps the driver as hard as he could.
The driver looks at him and asks: "the h**... is wrong with you?!", to which the drunk guy replies: "don't you ever drive that fast again!"
A man is pulled over for drunk driving
The cop walks up to his window,
Sir, have you been drunk driving?
No sir! Says the man
What's in that bottle? Says the cop
Just water sir! Says the man
The cop says, Hand it to me and let me see
The man hands him the bottle and the cop says sir this is wine
The man says praise the lord and all his miracles!
Power of Christ
Heard this one earlier and thought it was pretty good. I think it's probably a repost so I'm sorry.
A priest was driving along a road a bit rashly while drunk. He's got the bottle in the passenger seat. Eventually, a cop tails him and pulls him over.
Cop: Hey Father, how's it going?
Priest: Pretty good, thank you.
Cop: Have you been drinking anything this evening?
Priest: No, just some water.
Cop (while pointing at the bottle): Oh really? Then why is there wine in there?
The priest opens the bottle, looks inside and exclaims: Good God, he's done it again!
Be careful driving on Christmas
The roads will be crazy. A lot of guys get drunk so their wives will be driving.
I don't agree with this joke. I just heard it and wanted to see the reaction here.