Drunk And Drive Jokes

A drunk man was smoking drugs while driving.
The policeman stop him and says, "Show me you ID?"
The drunk man, "What drugs?"

Yo' Mama is so s**..., when she was pulled over for drunk driving and asked to walk a line, she said, "Which one?"

Driving home from the bar, one of the boy's was showing off his new self-driving car.

"Look" he said proudly as the car stopped automatically at an intersection.
From the back seat, one of the drunks wakes up to say: "One way or another, don't all cars stop on their own?"

Hey, you're too drunk to drive. Do you want me to call you a taxi?

"Sure, thanks."
"You're a taxi."

Superbowl Killing It

Yeah go ravens. Ray lewis is litterly "killing" the other team. He is practicly "driving" through them. I think he is "drunk" with happiness.

3 drunk men

Three men hail a taxi. The driver—seeing that they're drunk—decides to pull a fast one. So he switches the engine on, then quickly switches it off and announces, We're here!
The first guy hands him the fare, the second guy says, Thanks, but the third guy angrily smacks the
cabbie's head.
What was that for? asks the cabbie, afraid he's been caught.
That, says the passenger, is for driving so fast!

Two black guys are walking down the road when they are run over by a drunk-driving cop...

The first guy went through the windshield and the second guy was thrown 50 feet and landed in the ditch.
The first black guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second guy was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

Here's one my grampa told me when I was a small boy.

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



Cops are d**...

I got pulled over for what he thought was drunk driving. He asked me to say the alphabet backwards, and I just smiled and say "you first". Then he said "No it's Z" and arrested me.

A drunk driver gets pulled over

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The man first denies he is drunk, then walks a bit and falls on the ground. The cop says ''look how drunk you are, you can't even walk straight!'' On which the man replies, ''You see, that's why i was driving!''

So this nun is driving along...

... when suddenly a drunk staggers out into the road in front of her. She skids to a stop, gets out, and scolds him severely, making several derogatory remarks, and angrily lecturing him on how dangerous he was being. The drunk looks at her for a minute, then punches her in the face, knocking her out cold.
Standing over her prone form, the drunk grins triumphantly, and slurs out "Yeah! Not so tough now, are you Batman?".

I got pulled over drunk driving last night...

In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.

You know you're too drunk to drive when...

The tree you swerved for is actually the air-freshener.

What's the difference between a Volkswagon TDI and a drunk person?

A drunk person can keep driving.

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

The Drunk Driver and The Cop

A drunk driver was caught while driving and the officer came to talk to him
Officer: Sir, How HIGH are You ?
Driver: Officer, I think you are DRUNK, its not How HI are you, its HI, How Are You.. :)

Drunk in a Taxi

So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."
As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"
The driver replies, "Sure!"
The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"

I sometimes text when I drive...

Sorry, i do really s**... stuff when i'm drunk.

I texted and drive sometimes

I guess we all do s**... things when we're drunk

For a first date date, my girlfriend wasn't impressed when I tried to drive over the frozen lake drunk.

But, it was an icebreaker.

Officer pulled me over and asked "Are you driving drunk?"

I politely replied "Nay! Toyota"

Have you ever heard about Mothers Against Drunk Driving's lesser known sister organization "Fathers Against Drunk Driving"?

Probably not, it didn't last very long, it was only a fad.

Two drunk guys walking home from the pub

They come across a bus depot and decide it would be quicker to steal a bus and drive it home.
One of the guys manages to get one started and shouts on his mate to hop on.
His mate replies " that bus number doesn't go to ours mate, am looking for the number 22."

A man gets pulled over for drunk driving...

To test if he's really drunk, the police officer tells the man to recite the alphabet backwards.
The man does it perfectly.
Impressed, the police officer says, "Wow! I couldn't do that if I were sober!"
The man replies with "Me neither!"

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.

When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

It really saddens me that police officers are so underpaid they have to take second jobs...

This lovely young officer pulled me over for drunk driving and is just going back to his car to get the stuff needed for a 'Cavity search'. Police officer and a dentist. What a hard working man.

My son wanted me to buy him GTA

When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess...

So I got drunk and took her for a drive to get away from all of the paparazzi.

A drunk guy is driving around Paris...

He keeps crashing into everything, and almost kills several pedestrians. Eventually, he's about to cross a bridge, but he doesn't make it, and instead plunges his car into the water below. However, the guy doesn't seem to care, as he tries to keep driving.
A nearby ship: "What the heck is wrong with that driver?"
The car: "I don't know, but he's driving me in Seine!"

You were so drunk last night, you asked me to drive you home.

So what? It was responsible from me, no?
Bro, the party was in your house!

Please, I need a ride, I'm too drunk to drive...

Where do you need to go?
To the store to get more drinks
(true story)

There was an alcoholic Jedi who used the Jedi mind trick to get a drunk driving incident removed from his record.

They called him DUI-Gone Gin.

Drunk driving

A drunk guy was driving home on the wrong side of the road. His wife saw the scene live on TV and in horror rushed to call him: "Hello?! Are you driving home? Be careful, there is a madman driving on the wrong side of the road!". He replies: "I know, there isn't only one, there are hundreds!".

A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...

A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"

Remember the guy who got molested by his alcoholic father?

He showed up in court the other day for drunk driving and the judge said, "Looks like your old man rubbed off on you"

Give a sober man a car and he will drive for an hour,

Give a drunk man a car and he will drive for the rest of his life.

Walking home drunk

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

Guys, I got pulled over driving drunk on the way home...

Cop told me to get out of the car.
I told him I was too drunk to stand so he needs to get in here.
Not sure what to do next...

A policeman pulled me over.

"Sir, were you drunk driving?" he asked me.
"No," I slurred.
"I'm going to need to step out of your vehicle immediately," he stated.
I laughed. "You're a m**...!"
"I'm a m**..., am I? How so?"
"You think this is my car."

An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.

They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.
American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.
European: I'll have a watery r**...! I'll stay up for the drive.
Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!
The American and the European are astonished!! The European asks the Asian why he ordered all of that alcohol.
Asian: Isn't it obvious? You guys won't let me drive anyway.

Renes Descartes goes into a bar

The barkeeper asks him: "You want a beer?"
Descartes agrees and after that he drinks many more.
Later when he is quite drunk he grabs his keys and moves towards his car.
The barkeeper stops him from entering the car and asks him: "Do you really think, driving your state is a good idea?"
Descartes replies: "Yeah, you're right. I don't think..." and abruptly stops existing.

At 3'o'clock in the morning, a wife hears her husband stumble in through the door,

She goes down stairs and sees him standing in the doorway drunk.
she says Have you been drinking?
the husband laughed and said No honey, I drove home.
The wife's face drops and she begins to panic.
The husband then starts to freak out and says What's wrong?!
The wife looks at him and angrily says
You can't drive and neither of us own a car.

Two drunks stumble out of a hotel...

...and manage to get into one of the cabs. After a bit of a process getting seated, one of them tells the cabbie.
"To the Grand Hotel please."
The cabbie turns around and says, "But we're already at the Grand Hotel."
One of the drunks gives the cabbie a bill, and says, "Next time, don't drive quite so fast."

Drunk driver

A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn't her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "mam, he could do that in his own backyard.

3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...

1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".
2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".
3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".
1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

Three drunk men entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, and they didn't give him the destination they wanted so he decided not to drive but instead he wanted to play a trick on them by turning on the engine and staying there for a moment.
A while after doing so, the taxi driver turned the engine off and told the three drunk men they arrived.
The first man handed the driver a handful of pennies as he exited.
The second man gave the driver a $20 bill and said "Thanks".
The third man did not pay the driver, he gave him a little punch on the arm and said, "Don't speed, you almost had us killed."

What's the difference between a drunk and a s**...?

When driving, a drunk will approach a stop sign and may speed right through it.
A s**... will actually stop... and wait for it to turn green.

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

Three drunk men get in a taxi after leaving the bar.

The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off after ten seconds, saying they had arrived at their destination.
The first man gave him the money and exited the taxi.
The second man thanked him and also left the taxi.
The third man slapped the driver.
The driver was surprised that he noticed and asks him.
To which, the third man says, "Why did you drive so fast?"

I got pulled over for riding a bike drunk

I got pulled over by the cops for riding a bike drunk. The cop asks me; "what do you think you're doing riding a bike drunk?"
So I told him, " I'm too drunk to drive, and every time I try and walk I fall down. So I stole the bike"
Anyhow, long story short, I need bail money.

Three drunks enter a taxi

the driver immediately notices that they were drunk, and decided to make a quick buck out of them.
When they entered the car, he drove 100 meters, made a turn and told them that they arrived at their destination.
The first one thanks the driver and leaves. The second thanks him, give him money and then leaves. The third realizes that something was wrong and slaps the driver as hard as he could.
The driver looks at him and asks: "the h**... is wrong with you?!", to which the drunk guy replies: "don't you ever drive that fast again!"

A man is pulled over for drunk driving

The cop walks up to his window,
Sir, have you been drunk driving?
No sir! Says the man

What's in that bottle? Says the cop
Just water sir! Says the man
The cop says, Hand it to me and let me see
The man hands him the bottle and the cop says sir this is wine
The man says praise the lord and all his miracles!

Police thought that I was too drunk to be driving...

When they stopped me, they asked me to say the alphabet starting with"M"
They put me in the back of the patrol when I replied:
"Malphabet"

Power of Christ

Heard this one earlier and thought it was pretty good. I think it's probably a repost so I'm sorry.
A priest was driving along a road a bit rashly while drunk. He's got the bottle in the passenger seat. Eventually, a cop tails him and pulls him over.
Cop: Hey Father, how's it going?
Priest: Pretty good, thank you.
Cop: Have you been drinking anything this evening?
Priest: No, just some water.
Cop (while pointing at the bottle): Oh really? Then why is there wine in there?
The priest opens the bottle, looks inside and exclaims: Good God, he's done it again!

Be careful driving on Christmas

The roads will be crazy. A lot of guys get drunk so their wives will be driving.
I don't agree with this joke. I just heard it and wanted to see the reaction here.