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Drugs Jokes

115 drugs jokes and hilarious drugs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drugs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Drugs Short Jokes

Short drugs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drugs humour may include short pills jokes also.

  1. My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
  2. I gave a homeless guy $5 today I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
  3. I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
  4. Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
  5. I think my girlfriend's a secret drug dealer I just answered her phone, and this man said "is that dope still there?"
  6. Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
  7. TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught. It's called the Tour de France.
  8. Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs. It was the original trip advisor.
  9. If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy" Credit to my friend Chris
  10. How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
    2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

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Drugs One Liners

Which drugs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drugs? I can suggest the ones about medication and drug addicts.

  1. I don't like people who take drugs... For example: airport security.
  2. My drug test came back negative. My drug dealer has some explaining to do.
  3. I hate people who take drugs For example, border security.
  4. Son: Dad, how do star die? Dad: Drugs, usually.
  5. I hate people who take drugs... specifically the DEA and US Customs.
  6. I used to do drugs in the 90s. Now I don't care what the temperature is.
  7. I hate people that take drugs.. Especially police and customs.
  8. I store drugs right under my nose Don't believe me? Check my stash
  9. What do you call a black man selling drugs? A pharmacist, you racist.
  10. "Daddy, how do stars die?" "Drugs, normally."
  11. What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.
  12. Which drug should dinosaurs never take? A steroid.
  13. What do you call a religious drug addict? A crystal methodist.
  14. What kind of drug should dinosaurs never take? A steroid.
  15. What do you call mike tyson on drugs? Methed Up

Drugs joke, What do you call <a href="/mike-tyson-jokes.html" title="Mike Tyson jokes">mike tyson</a> on drugs?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about drugs can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of drugs puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Cheerful Fun Drugs Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about drugs you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean medicine jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make drugs prank.

I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

A DEA agent and a rancher

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"

A Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are on a plane...

The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.
In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs,

but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

I overheard my 14 year old daughter telling this joke to a friend.

-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"

-"ok"
-"Drugs"
-"Addicted"
-"Alcohol"
-"Addicted"
-"What slapped you across the face last night? "
" Addicted"

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy.

Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.

Dad: "A little bird told me you are doing drugs"

Son: "You're talking to birds, and I'm the one doing drugs?"

A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

Addicted

Say "addicted" after everything I say.
What is someone who takes drugs?
What is someone who drinks?
What hit you in the face last night?

A police officer with a drug dog approaches a man and says, "this dog tells me you're on drugs…"

To which the man responds, "I'm on drugs?!? You're the only talking to a dog!"

First day on the new job, Boss says "We're going to give a drug test"

and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."

Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is s**..., uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.

Drug safety

Remember kids, say no to drugs because if the drugs are talking to you, you've had the right amount.

Drugs are not a solution!

Until you mix them with water

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"
Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"
Doctor: "I know, but I did"

What do you call the Loch Ness monster on drugs

You're high ness

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was s**..., took drugs and was drunk all the time?
Mom: No, Never!
Son: Well neither would he!

I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs.

"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.
I said, "Well, you have now."

I said 'no' to drugs

But I don't think they're listening

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.

1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs

Yesterday a barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years

And I didn't even know he was a barber.

Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with c**...!".

If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam.

It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.

Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?

Atmospheric Pressure.

In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

I hate people who take drugs

Mainly customs officers

My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: 'You're on drugs again!!!' She could be right..

I'm an only child.

A beggar asks a man for 5 bucks.

Man: "What do you need 5 bucks for?". Beggar: "I need it to buy drugs". Man: "Oh yeah? And how do i know you won't spend it on food?"

In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs

In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs

A 15 year-old wants to go to a party.

"Will you drink any alcohol?" Asks his dad.
"No, dad."
"Will you use any drugs?"
"No, dad"
"Will you have s**...?"
"No, dad"
"Then why would you even go?"

A barber got arrested..

A barber got arrested in my area for dealing drugs and I'm totally shook. I've been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.

Look officer I'm not high and I don't have any drugs in my car.

Officer: You want to tell me why you approached my car just to tell me that?

A local barber was just arrested for selling drugs. As a long time customer, I was very surprised

I had no idea he was a barber

I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

So many people think drugs and alcohol are the answer.

But drugs and alcohol are the question. Yes is the answer.

If you snort coke, you get high. If you snort flour...

..you get baked.
...frighteningly, my 5th grader came up with this while we were having a discussion about drugs and what he might end up seeing in Middle School next year.

"Say NO to drugs" they say...

I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

A policeman said he wanted to search my car.

"You won't find any drugs," I told him.
He said, "You don't sound sure about that."
I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

Drugs don't ruin your career

Drug tests do

One out of 3 people is addicted to drugs.

Look at the person on your left. Now look at the person on your right. Chances are one of them has some drugs to share with you.

I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs

He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.

I got in trouble for using performance enhancing drugs

I took a placebo before my psychology exam

My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved in drugs.

......an Audi Q7 & his own house by the age of 20.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.

So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.

Stop saying no to drugs

You talking to inanimate objects is the reason why your doctor prescribed them to you in the first place.

My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!

Never knew he was a barber

I hate people who take drugs.

Like cops, DEA agents...

Drugs are a lot like my coworkers

My wife does most of them

My wife asked me whether I experimented with s**... and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, Yes, but I was part of the control group.

Drugs

I hate those people who take drugs.
For example, airport security.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"

I hate people that take drugs

You know, customs officers and policemen.

I hate people who take drugs...

Especially border control.

Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with s**... and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."
-How? -the officer replied.
"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."
-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.
"Let me show you then."
So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out drugs, throw it in the toilet and fushes the water.
-Let me see your pocket now. -says the officer.
"My pockets?"
-Yes, to see those drugs.
"What drugs?"

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 years, and I had no idea that he was a mechanic!

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."
That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train

They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.
The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.
The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.
The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.
They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".

A homeless guy asked me for some money today

I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.

My wife said, Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?

I said, Fine, but I don't make any sense when I'm high.

I was about to give money to a homeless man when I realized that I only had a $50 bill.

I took it out and asked myself, Do I want this money to be spent on drugs?

I decided I did, so I put the money back in my wallet and kept walking.

Drugs joke, I was about to give money to a homeless man when I realized that I only had a $50 bill.

jokes about drugs

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these drugs jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.