The Best 75 Drugs Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Drugs jokes. There are some drugs heroin jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these drugs drug rehab puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Drugs Jokes and Puns

I don't like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

What do you call a black man selling drugs?

A pharmacist, you racist.

Drugs joke, What do you call a black man selling drugs?

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.

In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs,

but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late


I overheard my 14 year old daughter telling this joke to a friend.

-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"

-"ok"

-"Drugs"

-"Addicted"

-"Alcohol"

-"Addicted"

-"What slapped you across the face last night? "

" Addicted"

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

Drugs joke, I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."

I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy.

Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.

Dad: "A little bird told me you are doing drugs"

Son: "You're talking to birds, and I'm the one doing drugs?"

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

You can explore drugs drug reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean drugs opiates dad jokes. There are also drugs puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

Addicted

Say "addicted" after everything I say.

What is someone who takes drugs?

What is someone who drinks?

What hit you in the face last night?

Son: Dad, how do stars die?

Dad: Drugs, usually.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition.

Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.

Drugs joke, Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash

What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs?

Methed Up


How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"

Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"

Doctor: "I know, but I did"

I hate people who take drugs...

specifically the DEA and US Customs.

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?

Mom: No, Never!

Son: Well neither would he!

I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs.

"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.

I said, "Well, you have now."

I said 'no' to drugs

But I don't think they're listening

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.

1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs

Yesterday a barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years

And I didn't even know he was a barber.

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam.

It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.

Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?

Atmospheric Pressure.

In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

I hate people who take drugs

Mainly customs officers

I hate people that take drugs..

Especially police and customs.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: 'You're on drugs again!!!' She could be right..

I'm an only child.

A beggar asks a man for 5 bucks.

Man: "What do you need 5 bucks for?". Beggar: "I need it to buy drugs". Man: "Oh yeah? And how do i know you won't spend it on food?"

In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs

In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs

A 15 year-old wants to go to a party.

"Will you drink any alcohol?" Asks his dad.

"No, dad."

"Will you use any drugs?"

"No, dad"

"Will you have sex?"

"No, dad"

"Then why would you even go?"

A barber got arrested..

A barber got arrested in my area for dealing drugs and I'm totally shook. I've been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.

A local barber was just arrested for selling drugs. As a long time customer, I was very surprised

I had no idea he was a barber

I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

"Say NO to drugs" they say...

I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

A policeman said he wanted to search my car.

"You won't find any drugs," I told him.

He said, "You don't sound sure about that."

I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

Drugs don't ruin your career

Drug tests do

I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs

He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.

My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved in drugs.

......an Audi Q7 & his own house by the age of 20.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

I hate people who take drugs

For example, border security.

My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!

Never knew he was a barber

I hate people who take drugs.

Like cops, DEA agents...

Drugs are a lot like my coworkers

My wife does most of them

My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, Yes, but I was part of the control group.

Drugs

I hate those people who take drugs.

For example, airport security.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."

So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

I hate people that take drugs

You know, customs officers and policemen.

I hate people who take drugs...

Especially border control.

Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out drugs, throw it in the toilet and fushes the water.

-Let me see your pocket now. -says the officer.

"My pockets?"

-Yes, to see those drugs.

"What drugs?"

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 years, and I had no idea that he was a mechanic!

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."

That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train

They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.

The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.

The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.

The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.

They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".

A homeless guy asked me for some money today

I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.

My wife said, Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?

I said, Fine, but I don't make any sense when I'm high.

I was about to give money to a homeless man when I realized that I only had a $50 bill.

I took it out and asked myself, Do I want this money to be spent on drugs?

I decided I did, so I put the money back in my wallet and kept walking.

If my parents would've told me the truth

That I got good grades and went to a good college. I could do all the drugs I wanted bang all the prostitutes I wanted without getting in trouble. I would be a politician by now.

A Bear walks into a bar

A Bear walks into a bar in Barnaby BC. Asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replied " sorry we can't serve bears in Barnaby bc". The bear replied if you don't serve me I will eat the woman at the end of the bar.
The bartender replied sorry.... And the bear ate her... then he wanted a beer!
To which the bartender replied " Sorry we can't serve beer to bears on drugs in Barnaby BC! The bear replied WHAT?!?
Bartender replied that was a barbituate

After considering it for weeks, I finally decided to turn myself into the police.

It really wasn't worth it. Scaring people and stealing their drugs was fun, but getting busted for impersonation sucked.

I quit using drugs for good!

Now I use them for evil.

What happens when a soldier gets high?

He's fighting a war on drugs.

When I was visiting France, my French friends kept insisting I stay up every night and do drugs.

I was under a lot of Pierre pressure.

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

I like my women how I like my drugs

White and expensive

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the drugs drug dealer jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working drugs drug related piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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