Drugs Jokes
115 drugs jokes and hilarious drugs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drugs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Drugs Short Jokes
Short drugs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drugs humour may include short pills jokes also.
- I gave a homeless guy $5 today I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
- I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
- I think my girlfriend's a secret drug dealer I just answered her phone, and this man said "is that dope still there?"
- TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught. It's called the Tour de France.
- Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs. It was the original trip advisor.
- If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy" Credit to my friend Chris
- How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service. - My wife said, Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs? I said, Fine, but I don't make any sense when I'm high.
- As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.
- Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas
Share These Drugs Jokes With Friends
Drugs One Liners
Which drugs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drugs? I can suggest the ones about medication and drug addicts.
- I don't like people who take drugs... For example: airport security.
- My drug test came back negative. My drug dealer has some explaining to do.
- Son: Dad, how do star die? Dad: Drugs, usually.
- I used to do drugs in the 90s. Now I don't care what the temperature is.
- I store drugs right under my nose Don't believe me? Check my stash
- What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.
- What kind of drug should dinosaurs never take? A steroid.
- What do you call mike tyson on drugs? Methed Up
- Drugs don't ruin your career Drug tests do
- Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang? Atmospheric Pressure.
- Drugs are a lot like my coworkers My wife does most of them
- The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting "Stay off the grass."
- Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work. Nobody got higher than me.
- I said 'no' to drugs But I don't think they're listening
- I drink alcohol without hesitation, but drugs, …drugs is where I draw the line.
Cheerful Fun Drugs Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about drugs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean medicine jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drugs pranks.
A lot of my favorite musicians died young, but at least they went doing what they loved
Drugs
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...
I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
A Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are on a plane...
The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I tried using one of those date r**... drugs the other night...
It turns out its really hard to r**... a girl when you're drooling on the floor the room is spinning.
A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...
He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.
In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".
The Government
Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.
The Government Hates Competition
How does the devil measure his drugs?
In pentagrams
I overheard my 14 year old daughter telling this joke to a friend.
-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"
-"ok"
-"Drugs"
-"Addicted"
-"Alcohol"
-"Addicted"
-"What slapped you across the face last night? "
" Addicted"
I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.
I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.
I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy.
Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.
Dad: "A little bird told me you are doing drugs"
Son: "You're talking to birds, and I'm the one doing drugs?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do m**... users get the money to buy their drugs?
The toothfairy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bear goes into a bar
he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"
Addicted
Say "addicted" after everything I say.
What is someone who takes drugs?
What is someone who drinks?
What hit you in the face last night?
A police officer with a drug dog approaches a man and says, "this dog tells me you're on drugs…"
To which the man responds, "I'm on drugs?!? You're the only talking to a dog!"
First day on the new job, Boss says "We're going to give a drug test"
and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended.
"What is your second wish?" - genie asked
"I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world."
Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?".
"Two lines of the best stuff on the world again."
Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again:
"So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"
Drug safety
Remember kids, say no to drugs because if the drugs are talking to you, you've had the right amount.
Drugs are not a solution!
Until you mix them with water
Why is Bill Cosby like the The Wizard of Oz?
Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby cos, because of the wonderful things he drugs
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike
Sometimes when I give money to homeless people, bystanders shout "Why bother? They're only going to buy drugs or alcohol with it!"...
oh, like I wasn't?!
How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?
Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.
The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"
Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"
Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"
Doctor: "I know, but I did"
What do you call the Loch Ness monster on drugs
You're high ness
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why shouldn't you give Muslim Women drugs?
They'll get s**.... (Ba-dum tss)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate people who take drugs...
specifically the DEA and US Customs.
I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs.
"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.
I said, "Well, you have now."
I bought some drugs from the old lady who lives in a shoe.
They turned out to be laced.
2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.
1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drugs?
So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with c**...!".
If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam.
It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate people who take drugs
Mainly customs officers
My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: 'You're on drugs again!!!' She could be right..
I'm an only child.
When I was younger I thought drugs were going to be a much bigger problem.
Now I'm older, they seem like the only solution.
A beggar asks a man for 5 bucks.
Man: "What do you need 5 bucks for?". Beggar: "I need it to buy drugs". Man: "Oh yeah? And how do i know you won't spend it on food?"
In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs
In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs
Look officer I'm not high and I don't have any drugs in my car.
Officer: You want to tell me why you approached my car just to tell me that?
I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom
Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.
So many people think drugs and alcohol are the answer.
But drugs and alcohol are the question. Yes is the answer.
If you snort coke, you get high. If you snort flour...
..you get baked.
...frighteningly, my 5th grader came up with this while we were having a discussion about drugs and what he might end up seeing in Middle School next year.
"Say NO to drugs" they say...
I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.
A policeman said he wanted to search my car.
"You won't find any drugs," I told him.
He said, "You don't sound sure about that."
I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."
One out of 3 people is addicted to drugs.
Look at the person on your left. Now look at the person on your right. Chances are one of them has some drugs to share with you.
I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs
He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.
I got in trouble for using performance enhancing drugs
I took a placebo before my psychology exam
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I phoned the Drugs Awareness helpline today.
"Can I speak to the c**... Councillor please" I asked. "You'll have to wait" he replied,"he's on another line."
My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved in drugs.
......an Audi Q7 & his own house by the age of 20.
My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.
Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
All the girls I date are unemployed, drunk, and are on drugs.
I'm starting to think this whole opposites attract thing is b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.
So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.
Stop saying no to drugs
You talking to inanimate objects is the reason why your doctor prescribed them to you in the first place.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate people who take drugs
For example, border security.
My health science teacher told me to write a 1,000 word essay on drugs
The paper became a taco and the floor was melting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate people who take drugs.
Like cops, DEA agents...
Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"
"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me whether I experimented with s**... and drugs when I was in high school.
I said, Yes, but I was part of the control group.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drugs
I hate those people who take drugs.
For example, airport security.
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate people that take drugs..
This whole airport security thing has gone *way* too far.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate people that take drugs
You know, customs officers and policemen.
I got pulled over a while back.
The officer asked any drugs or alcohol tonight? I'm not sure what reply he was looking for but it sure wasn't no thanks, I'm already wasted.
My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.
He was the original trip advisor.
I had no freaking idea!
I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 years, and I had no idea that he was a mechanic!
My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...
...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."
That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My drug-selling friend got in a car c**... and lost an arm, so now he only has use of one hand.
He's slowly dealing with it.
4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train
They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.
The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.
The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.
The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.
They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".
Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?
They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.
