Drugs Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I don't like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.

Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

I hate people who take drugs

For example, border security.

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..

I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber

Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.

When my wife left, I was sad and lonely

So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

Son: Dad, how do stars die?

Dad: Drugs, usually.

A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

I hate people who take drugs...

specifically the DEA and US Customs.

I hate people that take drugs..

Especially police and customs.

The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...

We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.

1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs

"Say NO to drugs" they say...

I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?

Mom: No, Never!

Son: Well neither would he!

What do you call a black man selling drugs?

A pharmacist, you racist.

My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!

Never knew he was a barber

"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition.

A man with drugs was caught by the cops in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs.

"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.

I said, "Well, you have now."

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.

In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs?

Methed Up

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

It blew my mind because I've been his customer for years! I had NO IDEA he was a barber!

I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

Mom: Son, why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!

Son: Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?

Mom: Of course not!

Son: Well, neither would he.

A barber got arrested..

A barber got arrested in my area for dealing drugs and I'm totally shook. I've been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.

I hate people who take drugs

Mainly customs officers

My wife left me...

When my wife left me, it hurt. I was so upset and lonely.

Since then, I've got a dog, purchased a new motorcycle, had sex with two beautiful women, and spent thousands of dollars on alcohol and drugs.

She'll go fucking nuts when she gets home from work.

My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: 'You're on drugs again!!!' She could be right..

I'm an only child.

I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy.

Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.

The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"

Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"

Doctor: "I know, but I did"

I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs

He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.

A cop goes up to the window of a car he's just pulled over

Cop: "Any drugs or alcohol today?"
Man: "No but I vape"
Cop: "Look pal, I don't give a shit if you're gay, just answer the question."

Drugs don't ruin your career

Drug tests do

I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, This'll be wasted on drugs and booze. So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs

In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs

Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?

Atmospheric Pressure.

A one liner for the holiday, say no to drugs...

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

I overheard my 14 year old daughter telling this joke to a friend.

-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"

-"ok"

-"Drugs"

-"Addicted"

-"Alcohol"

-"Addicted"

-"What slapped you across the face last night? "

" Addicted"

A policeman said he wanted to search my car.

"You won't find any drugs," I told him.

He said, "You don't sound sure about that."

I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

Viagra

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is Acetaminophen;

Advil is Ibuprofen;

Rogaine is Monoxidil; and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and
announced today that they have settled on:

Mycoxafloppin

I hate people that take drugs....

Especially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.

Drug names

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names--a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The Industry has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam.

It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.

Dad: "A little bird told me you are doing drugs"

Son: "You're talking to birds, and I'm the one doing drugs?"

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

I hate people who take drugs.

Like cops, DEA agents...

Yesterday a barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years

And I didn't even know he was a barber.

A local barber was just arrested for selling drugs. As a long time customer, I was very surprised

I had no idea he was a barber

My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved in drugs.

......an Audi Q7 & his own house by the age of 20.

A 15 year-old wants to go to a party.

"Will you drink any alcohol?" Asks his dad.

"No, dad."

"Will you use any drugs?"

"No, dad"

"Will you have sex?"

"No, dad"

"Then why would you even go?"

A beggar asks a man for 5 bucks.

Man: "What do you need 5 bucks for?". Beggar: "I need it to buy drugs". Man: "Oh yeah? And how do i know you won't spend it on food?"

I said 'no' to drugs

But I don't think they're listening

What do you call a black guy who sells drugs?

A pharmacist, you racist ass.

Addicted

Say "addicted" after everything I say.

What is someone who takes drugs?

What is someone who drinks?

What hit you in the face last night?

Look officer I'm not high and I don't have any drugs in my car.

Officer: You want to tell me why you approached my car just to tell me that?

What are the funniest drugs jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Drugs? Well, here are the best Drugs puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Drugs pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes