Drug Testing Jokes
101 drug testing jokes and hilarious drug testing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drug testing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Drug Testing Short Jokes
Short drug testing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drug testing humour may include short blood test jokes also.
- First day on the new job, Boss says "We're going to give a drug test" and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."
- Drug test A couple of days ago I had to do a drug test and it came up negative. Now, I have to have a serious talk with my dealer...
- When I heard my new job required passing a drug test..... Boy was I excited. Finally a test in a subject I know about!
- There was a random drug test at my workplace the other day. Fortunately, mine came out clean.
But my dealer has some explaining to do. - I just passed a drugs test at work. Although I am happy to have kept my job, I'll be having words with my dealer.
- Just left an interview and they told me there'd be a drug test. I'm not worried, though. I know a lot about drugs, so it should be a pretty easy test.
- How do you know you hate your job? When your coffee is so strong it shows up in a drug test.
- Amazon doesn't actually drug test their workers. They just want to make sure everyone can pee into a cup.
- Need something witty to say after i pee in a cup... Tomorrow is drug test day... Not sure this is actually the right sub for this but watevs.
- My boss told me that we will be drug testing on 4/21. I can't wait to see what kind of drugs we'll be testing!
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Drug Testing One Liners
Which drug testing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drug testing? I can suggest the ones about testing and testing positive.
- My drug test came back negative. My drug dealer has some explaining to do.
- I just passed my drug test My dealer has some serious explaining to do
- Drugs don't ruin your career Drug tests do
- Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work. Nobody got higher than me.
- I had to take a drug test to see if I was on hallucinogens I passed with flying colors
- I don't like drug tests... They're not my cup of pee.
- I had to take a drug test I failed with flying colors
- Why was the cookie afraid of getting drug tested? Because it was so baked
- I took my first drug test today.. I only got 5 questions right.
- My new employer asked me to take a drug test. I said "No, thanks." "I'll pass."
- I just failed my third drug test this month At this rate, I'll never become a pharmacist.
- Which is the only bank that drug tests all of its employees? PNC
- Finally got positive results on a test Too bad it was a drug test.. :/
- I never realized what a positive person I was... Before I took a drug test.
- Apple is coming out with an electronic home drug test kit. The I-CUP
Drug Testing Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about drug testing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean performance testing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drug testing pranks.
Yo' Mama is so s**..., she asked if her drug test was multiple choice.
Drug test?
What kind of drugs are we testing?
I recently went to my new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?"
He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?"
I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
I replied, "No, nothing like that."
He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of s**...?"
I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc."
He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"
How long will I live doctor?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I am about to turn SEVENTY-ONE).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of s**...?' 'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said........,
Then, why do you even give a s**...?'
Father Knows Best!
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."
What doctors really thinking?
- This should be taken care of right away.
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
- Welllllll, what have we here…?
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
- Let me check your medical history.
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
- We have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
- Let me schedule you for some tests.
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
- I'd like to have my associate look at you.
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
- I'd like to prescribe a new drug.
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
- This may hurt a little.
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
- This should fix you up.
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
- I'd like to run some more tests.
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
- There is a lot of that going around.
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
Narcolepsy
A man with narcolepsy visits his doctor and asks for help.
"Well I have a drug that can help keep you awake, or I've just heard of a new treatment which can fully cure you! However, it's still in the testing phase and could possibly kill you. You need to decide which treatment you'll have."
After a short time considering, the man is still unsure.
"Is it okay if i come back tomorrow? I'll have to sleep on it doc."
Topical Jokes for 6/17
(For best results, imagine these in the voice of your favorite talk show host)
In Michigan, a man was arrested after he tried to toss a football filled with drugs into a prison. Prison guards knew something was wrong when they heard 700 inmates shouting, I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN!
The United States announced they've arrested the mastermind of the 2012 attack in Benghazi. When Republicans heard the news, they said, Oh great! They caught Hillary Clinton! .
Coca Cola is testing a new, low-calorie version of Coke in a green can called Coca Cola Life. The original formula of Coke in the red can will be rebranded as Coca Cola Death.
Drug test.
Boss: We're going to do a drug test.
Employee: Okay, what kind of drugs are we testing?
What did the Mexican lab technician say when he tested his son's u**... for drugs.
Ooh, NoDoz traced.
4/21
International Drug Test Day!!!!
Schrödinger gets pulled over by a cop...
When the officer walks up to the window and asks Schrödinger for his license and registration, the psychologist seems to be a little off. Not sure if Schrödinger is drunk and/or on drugs, the officer asks him to step out of the car so he can perform a sobriety test. Schrödinger passes with flying colors, but he's now fidgeting and unable to make eye contact with the officer. The officer thinks that there may be something in the car, so he gets Schrödinger's permission to search the vehicle. He finds nothing in the glove compartment nor in the backseat. The only place the officer hasn't checked yet is the trunk. When he opens it, he's shocked at what he finds.
Officer: Sir, do you know that you have a dead cat in your trunk?
Schrödinger: Well, now I do...
What did the drug test say to the addict?
"u**... TROUBLE!"
Drug test
Employer- we need to take your drug test to see if there are any drugs in your u**...
Employee- I'll pass, you won't check my nose right?
Will I Live to see 80?
Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think
I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then He asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive motor-cycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of s**...?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a s**...?'
So I had to take a random drug test today...
I got 16 out of 20 correct and passed with an 80%.
Company suspends sponsorship deal with Sharapova after she failed drug test
To protect Volkswagen's excellent brand image.
They can't affiliate with people who might have cheated.
If 4/20 is national w**... day whats 4/21?
National surprise drug test day!
Happy 4/20 everyone! :)
Why do drugs for small dogs have to be tested on larger ones first?
All canine drugs must be lab tested before their public release.
I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test
They all tested positive for WD40
Can a human outrun a Cheetah?
Nope, unless there's drug test
My friend has made a drug test
He likes c**... the most.
I took a drug test today...
I'm guessing I passed, I got a THC+.
I hear Donald Trump wants every welfare recipient to take a drug test...
I don't even what to know what he's planning to do with all those u**... samples.
Had to take a drug test for Calculus.
Had to take a drug test for Calc. 2
It was a P-test.
So today is 4/20
4/20 is national w**... day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day
Happy 4/21!
National drug test day
We had random drug testing at work today.
The p**... was my favourite.
Why couldn't Medusa pass a drug test?
Because she was a s**....
Good news and bad news... I passed my drug test at work
Bad news, they didn't let me try any.
What do radar guns and drug tests have in common?
They both detect *speed*
How do you beat a Russian athlete?
Yell "DRUG TEST!" right before the race starts.
Anesthesia
A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.
His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."
Startled, she asked him, "What happened to beautiful?"
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
I had my pet duck drug tested this morning...
Turns out he's been doing quack this whole time!
Someone once told me to drink bleach to quickly clean me out for a drug test. What an idiot...
The emergency room nurse said I still had drugs in my system when I woke up...
I have to take a drug test in a month and I think I might fail
I don't know anything about drugs
Sir you tested positive for opiates
Me: I had a bagel for breakfast that morning
Doctor: You also tested positive for m**..., alcohol, c**..., methamphetamine and just about every other drug
Me:...It was an everything bagel
I have to take a drug test today.
I'm nervous because I didn't study.
Failed a drug test last week
I don't understand how, I was on 5 different drugs and I still managed to pee in the cup.
Why couldn't the pharmacology student get his license?
He failed his drug test.
I failed my drug test
Next time I need to study more
Thanks for applying but you failed the drug test.
Welcome to the Cannibus shoppe! When can you start?
I was pulled over and the officer told me he was going to test the drugs he found in my car
I told him thank you, if it's not of the highest quality I don't want it
Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.
But then they asked about the THC, m**... amphetamines, c**..., and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.
Why do Muslims always fail drug test?
They keep getting s**....
After celebrating Canadabis Day, I was pulled over by the cops for a drug test. And I passed!
With a bell curve
My boss asked me to take a drug test
I told him I've already tried most, but I'm always up for some pure Colombian.
Had to take a drug test today.
It took me over a month to study for.
I got a job offer at Pepsi today!
I just hope they don't drug test me and find Coke in my system.
My employer drug tested me
Turns out his w**... is better.
A paper bag walks into the doctors because he's feeling a little down
Has some tests and come back a week later.
Doctor says, "I'm sorry son, but you're h**... positive"
The bag is in disbelief "How can this happen, I'm a paper bag?"
"Have you ever had unprotected s**...?"
"We'll no, I'm a paper bag"
"What about sharing needles"
"No doc, I can't even do drugs, I'm a paper bag"
" Well there's only 1 other explanation, your mum must have been a carrier"
A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."
The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"
Because of social distancing, this April 21 is no longer...
National Surprise Drug Test Day
I applied for a job at a m**... dispensary, and was surprised to learn that I would have to take a drug test.
I hope it's multiple choice. I tested m**..., crack, *and* w**....
Why did the beach fail a drug test?
Because of the seaweed
Yo momma is so s**...
She studied for a drug test
medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test
experts described the horse's u**... sample as "funky, cold"
I can't blame them for disqualifying Sha'Carri Richardson after she tested positive for m**....
It's definitely a performance enhancing drug. I smoke w**... and can run a 3-day mile.
Highly quaified
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's the new job going?" the bartender asks. "Great! Although, I've heard we're going to have a drug test next week," the guy replies. "Good thing I know a lot about drugs."