The Best 46 Drug Store Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Drug Store jokes. There are some drug store narcotics jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these drug store grocery store puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Drug Store Jokes and Puns

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.



The girl behind the counter says, “What size?”

He says, “I don’t know.”

She hold up a finger and says, “That big?”

He says, “Bigger.”

She holds up three fingers and says, “That big?”

He says, “Smaller?”

She holds up two fingers and he says, “That’s it.”

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, “Medium.”

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

An evening of Valentine's Day.

A man comes to a drug store: "Good evening!"

"Sorry, we are sold out..."

Drug Store joke

After some time I saw my doctor and he prescribed me a receipt, but he had prescribed me this receipt in the name of his mother Mrs. Ingrid, by mistake.

I didn´t notice it, took this receipt, went to the drug-store, gave the receipt to the pharmacist together with the insurance card with the name John on it.

The pharmacist took a look at me and has told me: "Dear, Mrs. Ingrid the name on the receipt doesn´t correspond with the name on the insurance card."

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"


Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

Drug Store joke, Computer diagnosis

5 boxes for a dollar...

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying, "5 boxes for a dollar."

Well, the woman just can't believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.

He replies, "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."

She says, "That can't be right!"

The clerk responds, "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

A duck goes into a drug store

He says gimee some chap stick put it on my bill

Cyanide?

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. He looks at the photo and says "Oh...........I didn't know you had a prescription!"

Grandpa walks into a drug store

Grandpa: "I'd like to buy 99 condoms."

Clerk: "Why don't you take 100?"

Grandpa: "Hey, hey! I'm not a rapist!"

You can explore drug store drugs reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean drug store crackhead dad jokes. There are also drug store puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

À duck waddles into the drug store.

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COUNTING CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

GRANDPA'S CONDOMS

An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Big enough to fit a Camel."

A duck walks into a drug store,

He goes and puts lip stick on the check out counter.

The cashier asks, "will this be cash or check?"

The duck says, "neither; just put it on my bill."

Drug Store joke, A duck walks into a drug store,

A woman walked into a drug store...

and asked if the pharmacist if he sold extra large condoms.
"Yes, We do. Would you like to buy some?"
"No, but do you mind if I wait here till someone does?"

A duck walks into a drug store.

He says "Give me some chap stick."
The cashier asks "Will that be cash or credit?"
The duck says "Just put it on my bill."

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash


What did the suicidal geometrist say when he went to his drug dealer's hardware store?

Hi pot and noose please.

A casket falls out of the back of a hearse and is careening down a hill straight toward a drug store.

The limo driver tells the grieving husband.."Don't worry. They will have something in there to stop her coffin.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time. He brings a box up to the counter and the clerk says, "That will be five dollars plus 15 cents for tax."

The young man screams "Tacks, I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

Police nearly apprehended a drug dealer selling cocaine in a tobacco store.

They were close, but no cigar.

Since I'm going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.

He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.

I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.

He's said No - anti-depressants.

What do you call a person who works at a drug store?

A drug dealer

NSFW: a little boy walks into a drug store

After reading u/weaverl47 joke I was reminded of this one:

A little boy walks into a drug store and places a box of condoms on the counter and states :"how much for these?"

The reply: "12.99 plus tax"

The boy's face lights up: "Oh, so that's how you keep them on"

Buying condoms

I was going over to my girlfriends so I stopped at the drug store to get condoms. I get to the counter and the cashier asks if I need a bag and I responded with nah don't worry about it she isn't that ugly.

(Pun) Where should you store leftover drugs?

In your reeferigerator.

A duck walks into a drug store

and asks for some chap stick.

The pharmacist asks if it will be cash or charge

The duck replies...

Just put it on my bill.

A duck walks into a drug store

He says "Do you sell chapsticks?" And the store clerk says, "Yes, we do, but you don't have any money." And the duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store

A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store. He walks up to the counter and mutters, "Uh... hi... I'd like to buy some... condoms."
Cashier replies, "sure thing! That'll be $9.75 including tax."
The young man starts to panic and says, "Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!!!"

Your American drug stores sure are different from Soviet Thailand.

In American drug store, you walk down an aisle and you see pads. In Soviet Thailand, pad see ew.

Why does the pharmacist at the drug store hate prom so much?

The morning after always has long lines.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

Penguin

A penguin is driving his car into town when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it.
"I'll be across the street at the drug store." he tells him. He goes to the drugstore and orders a dish of vanilla ice cream which he has to eat with his beak because of his short arms.
He finishes up and goes back to the garage. The mechanic comes out and says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says "That's just a little ice cream."

Tampons on sale

A woman goes into the drug store and notices a large stack of tampons in the corner with a sign above saying: "Special Offer, Five Boxes for $2.50"

She says to the assistant. What's the catch"?

The assistant replies "It's a genuine offer, five boxes for $2.50, no strings attached.

I got into a fight in the drug store and they threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me.

Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.

What bust?

A young man went to the drug store and asked for a package of condoms.

"We have something new, colored condoms," said the clerk. "Special introductory price!"

So the young man bought a package of colored condoms.

Ten months later he was back at the drug store, and asked for a maternity bra.

The same clerk was on duty, and he asked, "What bust?"

"The yellow one."

Preparations for parenthood.

Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.



Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to your local drug store, dump the contents of your wallet on the counter and give it the pharmacist. Then, go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary direct-deposit to their headquarters. Go home, pick up the paper and read it for the very last time.

A hearse was driving down the road...

When all of the sudden the back doors fling open. The coffin flies out of the hearse and it bounces all around the town, it cannot stop.

Eventually it stops and lands right in front of a drug store. The man in the coffin rises up and says Hey, you guys have anything that can stop this coughin'?

A duck waddles into the drug store and says, Sorry, I don't have my wallet today but I need to buy a condom. The pharmacist says, No problem. Shall I just put it on your bill?

The duck exclaims, Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?

Duck walks into a drug store...

Duck asks, "please, can I have some chap stick?" Clerk asks, "will this be cash or charge?'.

Duck replies, "just put it on my bill".

What do you call a family owned drug store?

Pop's Pills

Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"

When I go into a drug store, the pharmacist is usually high.

Why are many drug stores constructed with the area behind the counter a few steps higher than the rest of the store?

I've always had a problem with eating my fingernails.

I get anxious and chew them off and eat them and they look terrible. One day my sister noticed and told me to go to the drug store for some press-on nails. She said they looked good and would keep me from biting my nails. So I went and bought some and she was right. They looked so good I ate them right out of the box.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the drug store drug rehab jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working drug store hardware store piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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