Drug Store Jokes
62 drug store jokes and hilarious drug store puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drug store that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Drug Store Short Jokes
Short drug store jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drug store humour may include short drugstore jokes also.
- I got into a fight in the drug store and they threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me. Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.
- A duck walks into a drug store, He goes and puts lip stick on the check out counter.
The cashier asks, "will this be cash or check?"
The duck says, "neither; just put it on my bill." - When I go into a drug store, the pharmacist is usually high. Why are many drug stores constructed with the area behind the counter a few steps higher than the rest of the store?
- A duck walks into a drug store and asks for some chap stick.
The pharmacist asks if it will be cash or charge
The duck replies...
Just put it on my bill. - Duck walks into a drug store... Duck asks, "please, can I have some chap stick?" Clerk asks, "will this be cash or charge?'.
Duck replies, "just put it on my bill". - A duck walks into a drug store He says "Do you sell chapsticks?" And the store clerk says, "Yes, we do, but you don't have any money." And the duck says, "Just put it on my bill."
- A duck walks into a drug store. He says "Give me some chap stick."
The cashier asks "Will that be cash or credit?"
The duck says "Just put it on my bill." - Why does the pharmacist at the drug store hate prom so much? The morning after always has long lines.
- An evening of Valentine's Day.
A man comes to a drug store: "Good evening!"
"Sorry, we are sold out..." - Your American drug stores sure are different from Soviet Thailand. In American drug store, you walk down an aisle and you see pads. In Soviet Thailand, pad see ew.
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Drug Store One Liners
Which drug store one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drug store? I can suggest the ones about pharmacy and department store.
- I store drugs right under my nose Don't believe me? Check my stash
- What do you call a family owned drug store? Pop's Pills
- A duck goes into a drug store He says gimee some chap stick put it on my bill
- What do you call a person who works at a drug store? A drug dealer
- (Pun) Where should you store leftover drugs? In your reeferigerator.
- A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
Hilarious Fun Drug Store Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about drug store you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean target store jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drug store pranks.
A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The girl behind the counter says, “What size?”
He says, “I don’t know.”
She hold up a finger and says, “That big?”
He says, “Bigger.”
She holds up three fingers and says, “That big?”
He says, “Smaller?”
She holds up two fingers and he says, “That’s it.”
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, “Medium.”
A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked r**... says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"
After some time I saw my doctor and he prescribed me a receipt, but he had prescribed me this receipt in the name of his mother Mrs. Ingrid, by mistake.
I didn´t notice it, took this receipt, went to the drug-store, gave the receipt to the pharmacist together with the insurance card with the name John on it.
The pharmacist took a look at me and has told me: "Dear, Mrs. Ingrid the name on the receipt doesn´t correspond with the name on the insurance card."
Buying aspirin
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
Father Knows Best!
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."
Cough Medicine
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Bobby buys condoms
Bobby walks into a drug store to buy condoms but couldn't find them. He tells the pharmacist "I'm going to need a dozen condoms?". The pharmacist replies "Sure thing. Big night tonight?" With a chuckle and a smile the Bobby said "Oh yeah, I'm going to take my girlfriends virginity tonight. She's a bit too immature for me but I'm still gonna pop her cherry. Might as well wear it out before I kick her to the curb". The pharmacist shakes his head and sells the boy the condoms.
Later that night, Bobby knocks on his girlfriends door and the pretty teenage girl answers. With a big hug she says, "Come, I want you to meet my family". "This is my mother and father", the young girl said. "Hello ma'am, hello sir, I was going to take your daughter to a movie and come straight back but only if I have your permission and blessing." With a big smile the girl says "Bobby, you never told me you were such a polite gentleman". Bobby sternly looked at her and said "yeah... and you never told me your dad was a pharmacist".
A lady walks into the drug store
and asks the druggist
for some arsenic.
The druggist ask's "Ma'am, what do you want with
arsenic?" The lady say's, "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a
photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the
man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and
shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says" Oh I didn't know you
had a prescription!"
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
5 boxes for a dollar...
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying, "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just can't believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He replies, "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She says, "That can't be right!"
The clerk responds, "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."
The Lady & The Druggist.
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".
The lady replies "I want to kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position - the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife - and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says... "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"
Cyanide?
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. He looks at the photo and says "Oh...........I didn't know you had a prescription!"
A little boy and his dad were in line at the drug store
And the boy picks up a pack of condoms. He asks "what are these daddy?" And his dad says "those are for high school kids." The boy asks "why are there three?" The father says "one for Thursday night, one for Friday night, and one for Saturday night."
The boy picks up another pack and asks "why are there six in this one?" So the father says "those are for college kids. Two for Thursday, two for Friday, and two for Saturday."
The boy picks up a third pack and asks "why are there twelve in this one?" The father says "oh those are for married men. One for every month of the year."
Grandpa walks into a drug store
Grandpa: "I'd like to buy 99 condoms."
Clerk: "Why don't you take 100?"
Grandpa: "Hey, hey! I'm not a r**...!"
COUNTING CONDOMS
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the c**... display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one c**...?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
GRANDPA'S CONDOMS
An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son
They happen to walk by the c**... display, and the boy asks "What's are these, dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe s**...". "Oh I see" replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school".
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday". "Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men" The dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday". "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Young man and the Pharmacy
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
A woman walked into a drug store...
and asked if the pharmacist if he sold extra large condoms.
"Yes, We do. Would you like to buy some?"
"No, but do you mind if I wait here till someone does?"
What did the suicidal geometrist say when he went to his drug dealer's hardware store?
Hi p**... and noose please.
A casket falls out of the back of a hearse and is careening down a hill straight toward a drug store.
The limo driver tells the grieving husband.."Don't worry. They will have something in there to stop her coffin.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time. He brings a box up to the counter and the clerk says, "That will be five dollars plus 15 cents for tax."
The young man screams "Tacks, I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
Police nearly apprehended a drug dealer selling c**... in a tobacco store.
They were close, but no cigar.
Since I'm going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.
He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.
I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.
He's said No - anti-depressants.
Buying condoms
I was going over to my girlfriends so I stopped at the drug store to get condoms. I get to the counter and the cashier asks if I need a bag and I responded with nah don't worry about it she isn't that ugly.
A walks into a drug store in London
A man walks into a drugstore in London and ask the pharmacist for some American razor blades. The pharmacist asks if he is sure, because England makes the finest razor blades in the world. But the man insists on American razor blades.
"Have it your way" says the pharmacist, "but I can assure you that ours are the best. Just last week my wife accidentally swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, a hysterectomy, an appendectomy, circumcised the gardner, emasculated the chauffeur, cut two of the butler's fingers off, and I still got ten shaves out of it"
A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store
A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store. He walks up to the counter and mutters, "Uh... hi... I'd like to buy some... condoms."
Cashier replies, "sure thing! That'll be $9.75 including tax."
The young man starts to panic and says, "Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!!!"
My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.
Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.
Penguin
A penguin is driving his car into town when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it.
"I'll be across the street at the drug store." he tells him. He goes to the drugstore and orders a dish of vanilla ice cream which he has to eat with his beak because of his short arms.
He finishes up and goes back to the garage. The mechanic comes out and says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says "That's just a little ice cream."
Tampons on sale
A woman goes into the drug store and notices a large stack of tampons in the corner with a sign above saying: "Special Offer, Five Boxes for $2.50"
She says to the assistant. What's the catch"?
The assistant replies "It's a genuine offer, five boxes for $2.50, no strings attached.
At the drug store
A little boy and his dad were at the drug store and they just so happened to come upon the c**... aisle.
The little boy asked his dad "Daddy why are there so many different boxes of condoms?"
"For different stages in your life." said the dad.
"What's the 3 pack for?"
"Well, that's for when your in High School 2 for Friday night, and 1 for Saturday night."
"Then whats the 6 pack for?"
"For when your at college. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
"Oh. Then what's the 12 pack for?"
"Well, that's for when your married. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March........"
Boy and Girl decide they are going to do it.
Boy unsure of what he needs to be safe, goes to the corner drug store and asks the pharmacies what the best condoms for safe s**... would be are. The Pharmacist shows him several brands.
Later that night the boy goes for dinner with the girl's family. When they sit down to eat the boy offers to say grace. After his 10-minute prayer the girl whispers, I did not know you was this religious. The boy whispers back, I did not know your dad was a pharmacist.
What bust?
A young man went to the drug store and asked for a package of condoms.
"We have something new, colored condoms," said the clerk. "Special introductory price!"
So the young man bought a package of colored condoms.
Ten months later he was back at the drug store, and asked for a maternity bra.
The same clerk was on duty, and he asked, "What bust?"
"The yellow one."
Preparations for parenthood.
Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to your local drug store, dump the contents of your wallet on the counter and give it the pharmacist. Then, go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary direct-deposit to their headquarters. Go home, pick up the paper and read it for the very last time.
A hearse was driving down the road...
When all of the sudden the back doors fling open. The coffin flies out of the hearse and it bounces all around the town, it cannot stop.
Eventually it stops and lands right in front of a drug store. The man in the coffin rises up and says Hey, you guys have anything that can stop this coughin'?
Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
I've always had a problem with eating my fingernails.
I get anxious and chew them off and eat them and they look terrible. One day my sister noticed and told me to go to the drug store for some press-on nails. She said they looked good and would keep me from biting my nails. So I went and bought some and she was right. They looked so good I ate them right out of the box.
A duck waddles into the drug store and says, Sorry, I don't have my wallet today but I really need to buy a c**.... The pharmacist chuckles, No problem, shall I just put it on your bill? The duck exclaims quacks in surprise...
Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?!
A duck walks into the drug store
A duck walks into the drug store and asks for a pack of condoms.
Druggist says: "would you like me to put that on your bill?"
Duck says: "nah, I'm not into that weird stuff".
little johnny finally got to the third date....
and knowing the reputation of the girl he was seeing, knew that he would "get lucky" on this one... so off to the drug store he goes to get a c**....
"i got a hot date tonight and i need a c**...!" he tells the employee there, who hands it over almost immediately...
"that'll be a dollar, plus tax" says the employee...
"tax?" little johnny asks...
"dont they stay on by themselves?"
