The Best 83 Drug Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Drug jokes. There are some drug withdrawals jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these drug drug rehab puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Drug Jokes and Puns
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Buying aspirin
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
Drug test
A couple of days ago I had to do a drug test and it came up negative. Now, I have to have a serious talk with my dealer...
Cough Medicine
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
"Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning."
Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.
Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" and some people say, "oh my god, he *did?*" People always say something.
And then *you* say, "he did, he was assassinated. Someone from a drug cartel shot him with a golf gun. Bizarre story."
And you leave it there.
And if someone presses further, perhaps mention how terrible it must be to get shot by a golf gun.
And you'll eventually be asked, "what's a golf gun?"
To which you say, "don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"
What do you get when you cross a Drug cartel and a Mafia lord?
Probably killed.
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.
5 boxes for a dollar...
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying, "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just can't believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He replies, "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She says, "That can't be right!"
The clerk responds, "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....
To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!
So I bought a pair of shoes from a drug addict yesterday. ..
... And I dunno what he laced them with but I've been trippin ever since
I just passed my drug test
My dealer has some serious explaining to do
You can explore drug recreational reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean drug meth dad jokes. There are also drug puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A bear goes into a bar
he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"
À duck waddles into the drug store.
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A police officer with a drug dog approaches a man and says, "this dog tells me you're on drugs…"
To which the man responds, "I'm on drugs?!? You're the only talking to a dog!"
GRANDPA'S CONDOMS
An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."
First day on the new job, Boss says "We're going to give a drug test"
and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended.
"What is your second wish?" - genie asked
"I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world."
Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?".
"Two lines of the best stuff on the world again."
Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again:
"So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"
Drug safety
Remember kids, say no to drugs because if the drugs are talking to you, you've had the right amount.
So my drug dealer got me these new shoes..
And I don't know what he laced them with.. But I've been tripping all day
I was at the doctors office the other day...
So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."
*First day as drug dealer*
*Giggles* "coke isn't available, is Pepsi ok?"
*gets stabbed*
Drugs are not a solution!
Until you mix them with water
I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world...
It's called Crystal Meh.
The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting
"Stay off the grass."
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
A drug dealer sold me his shoes today
I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.
It's called Trycoxagain.
The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"
Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"
Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"
Doctor: "I know, but I did"
If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"
Credit to my friend Chris
The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss
It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer recently.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I'm still tripping.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Why is cocaine the alt-right's favorite drug?
White powder!
My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas
I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since
I said 'no' to drugs
But I don't think they're listening
Since I'm going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.
He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.
I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.
He's said No - anti-depressants.
Life is like a hardcore drug.
I've taken several.
What's a programmer's favorite drug?
Codeine.
My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.
It was all just smoke and mirrors.
Today would've been my mother's 50th birthday... But due to drug use and bad choices
We all forgot about it
Drugs?
So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".
Why aren't there any fat girls on the boxes of girl scout cookies?
Because good drug dealers don't use their own product.
So today is 4/20
4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day
What do you call a book that lists the names of every drug on Earth?
Addictionary
What is the best drug to have sex on?
Birth control.
Protip: If you're looking for a needle in a haystack...
...you should probably be more concerned about confronting your horse concerning his drug problem
I'm not proud of it but I used the date rape drug last night...
All it did was make me tired. I wasn't able to get any of my raping done.
Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier on.
He was on crack, she was on blow.
We had random drug testing at work today.
The pcp was my favourite.
Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers?
Because they can wash their crack and sell it again
Dyslexic criminals love weed.
It's the ultimate getaway drug.
I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom
Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.
My drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness as a disguise...
He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people actually let him in
There's this new drug named Jesus
I've heard of a lot of people injecting it but I've started taking it orally.
I'd never take the lords name in vein
"Say NO to drugs" they say...
I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.
Drugs don't ruin your career
Drug tests do
My drug dealer sold me some shoes last night.
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer today...
I dont know what he laced them with but i have been tripping like crazy
My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"
I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"
My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.
Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.
My drug test came back negative.
My drug dealer has some explaining to do.
Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.
But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.
What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can clean her crack and resell it.
Boss, I've got a probl..
Boss: There's no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities.
Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
Drugs are a lot like my coworkers
My wife does most of them
Drugs
I hate those people who take drugs.
For example, airport security.
PSA: Don't buy shoes from your drug dealer.
Trust me. I did. I don't know what they were laced with but I was tripping all day.
Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.
I had to take a drug test to see if I was on hallucinogens
I passed with flying colors
Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work.
Nobody got higher than me.
Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.
They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.
I said to my wife You are my drug
She said: Oh wow is it because you can't get enough of me?
I replied: No because you cost so much money and you're ruining my life
Medusa is the best drug dealer
One look and I'm stoned
Which drug should dinosaurs never take?
A steroid.
They released a new drug that reverses lesbianism
It's called tricoxagin.
What's a French person's favorite drug?
Oui'd
What kind of drug would a polar bear sell?
Coke.
I bought a pair of boots from my drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what they're laced with but I've been tripping since I tried them
I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer"
Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.
What do Kim Kardashian and drug smugglers have in common?
False bottoms
I read today in the local newspaper that a barber in the city was arrested for drug trafficking
I was his client for a long time but I didn't know he was a barber
What did the drug addicted power rangers say to each other?
It's morphine time!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the drug drug dealer jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working drug drug related piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.