Following is our collection of funny Drug jokes. There are some drug withdrawals jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these drug drug rehab puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
A couple of days ago I had to do a drug test and it came up negative. Now, I have to have a serious talk with my dealer...
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.
Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" and some people say, "oh my god, he *did?*" People always say something.
And then *you* say, "he did, he was assassinated. Someone from a drug cartel shot him with a golf gun. Bizarre story."
And you leave it there.
And if someone presses further, perhaps mention how terrible it must be to get shot by a golf gun.
And you'll eventually be asked, "what's a golf gun?"
To which you say, "don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"
Probably killed.
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying, "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just can't believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He replies, "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She says, "That can't be right!"
The clerk responds, "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....
To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!
... And I dunno what he laced them with but I've been trippin ever since
My dealer has some serious explaining to do
You can explore drug recreational reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean drug meth dad jokes. There are also drug puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"
69p964IMkW4LC8CTaGEu39vtjH6ldFvlhy3KDsFFcpPoeZT8X1vyheWrANInWE69p964IMkW4LC8CTaGEu39vtjH6ldFvlhy3KDsFFcpPoeZT8X1vyheWrANInWE69p964IMkW4LC8CTaGEu39vtjH6ldFvlhy3KDsFFcpPoeZT8X1vyheWrANInWE69p964IMkW4LC8CTaGEu39vtjH6ldFvlhy3KDsFFcpPoeZT8X1vyheWrANInWE69p964IMk
To which the man responds, "I'm on drugs?!? You're the only talking to a dog!"
and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended.
"What is your second wish?" - genie asked
"I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world."
Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?".
"Two lines of the best stuff on the world again."
Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again:
"So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"
Remember kids, say no to drugs because if the drugs are talking to you, you've had the right amount.
And I don't know what he laced them with.. But I've been tripping all day
So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."
*Giggles* "coke isn't available, is Pepsi ok?"
*gets stabbed*
Until you mix them with water
"Stay off the grass."
A crystal methodist.
I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day
It's called Trycoxagain.
Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"
Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"
Doctor: "I know, but I did"
Credit to my friend Chris
It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...
I don't know what he laced them with, but I'm still tripping.ο»Ώ
I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
White powder!
I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since
But I don't think they're listening
He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.
I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.
He's said No - anti-depressants.
I've taken several.
Codeine.
It was all just smoke and mirrors.
We all forgot about it
So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".
Because good drug dealers don't use their own product.
4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day
Addictionary
Birth control.
All it did was make me tired. I wasn't able to get any of my raping done.
He was on crack, she was on blow.
The pcp was my favourite.
Because they can wash their crack and sell it again
It's the ultimate getaway drug.
Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.
He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people actually let him in
I've heard of a lot of people injecting it but I've started taking it orally.
I'd never take the lords name in vein
I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.
Drug tests do
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
I dont know what he laced them with but i have been tripping like crazy
I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"
Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.
My drug dealer has some explaining to do.
But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.
A hooker can clean her crack and resell it.
Boss: There's no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities.
Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
My wife does most of them
I hate those people who take drugs.
For example, airport security.
Trust me. I did. I don't know what they were laced with but I was tripping all day.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
Man, that sentence was way too long.
Nobody got higher than me.
They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.
She said: Oh wow is it because you can't get enough of me?
I replied: No because you cost so much money and you're ruining my life
One look and I'm stoned
A steroid.
Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.
I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Now I don't care what the temperature is.
Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?!
That guy can really make a meth.
A meth-head actor
They're all scumbags except mine.
Quack Cocaine
A steroid.
I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"
Boss: We're doing random drug testing today.
Colleague: Ok boss but I won't try crack cocaine.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the drug drug dealer jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working drug drug related piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.