drug Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious drug puns

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

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My drug test came back negative.

My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

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I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

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If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

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My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

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A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

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Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."

The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."

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Bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

idk what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

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Since I'm going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.

He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.

I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.

He's said No - anti-depressants.

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My drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people let him in

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"Say NO to drugs" they say...

I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

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So I bought a pair of shoes from a drug addict yesterday. ..

... And I dunno what he laced them with but I've been trippin ever since

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A drug dealer sold me his shoes today

I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day

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Life is like a hardcore drug.

I've taken several.

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A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It's called Trycoxagain.

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What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

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We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

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À duck waddles into the drug store.

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So my drug dealer got me these new shoes..

And I don't know what he laced them with.. But I've been tripping all day

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I just passed my drug test

My dealer has some serious explaining to do

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Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

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What is the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control.

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I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

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The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

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My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"

I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"

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I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

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Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

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Viagra is a gateway drug

It leads to harder things.

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The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"

Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"

Doctor: "I know, but I did"

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Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers?

Because they can wash their crack and sell it again

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So today is 4/20

4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day

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Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier on.

He was on crack, she was on blow.

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Drug Store Robber

A man was in need of some quick cash, and so he decided to turn to thievery. He grabbed his gun and visited 5 different drug stores, stealing over 5,000 pills of Viagra. The next day, while preparing to sell the pills, the man's house was surrounded by police. With no place to go, the man decided to swallow the evidence. He is now facing 20 years of hard time.

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Drugs don't ruin your career

Drug tests do

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*First day as drug dealer*

*Giggles* "coke isn't available, is Pepsi ok?"
*gets stabbed*

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What are the most funny Drug jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Drug? Well, here are the best Drug dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Drug pick up lines to share with friends.

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