Drug Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

My drug test came back negative.

My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

Since I'm going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.

He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.

I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.

He's said No - anti-depressants.

"Say NO to drugs" they say...

I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

So I bought a pair of shoes from a drug addict yesterday. ..

... And I dunno what he laced them with but I've been trippin ever since

A drug dealer sold me his shoes today

I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day

Life is like a hardcore drug.

I've taken several.

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It's called Trycoxagain.

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

Γ€ duck waddles into the drug store.

69p964IMkW4LC8CTaGEu39vtjH6ldFvlhy3KDsFFcpPoeZT8X1vyheWrANInWE69p964IMkW4LC8CTaGEu39vtjH6ldFvlhy3KDsFFcpPoeZT8X1vyheWrANInWE69p964IMkW4LC8CTaGEu39vtjH6ldFvlhy3KDsFFcpPoeZT8X1vyheWrANInWE69p964IMkW4LC8CTaGEu39vtjH6ldFvlhy3KDsFFcpPoeZT8X1vyheWrANInWE69p964IMk

So my drug dealer got me these new shoes..

And I don't know what he laced them with.. But I've been tripping all day

I just passed my drug test

My dealer has some serious explaining to do

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

What is the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control.

I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"

I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"

Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"

Doctor: "I know, but I did"

Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers?

Because they can wash their crack and sell it again

So today is 4/20

4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day

Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier on.

He was on crack, she was on blow.

Drugs don't ruin your career

Drug tests do

Boss, I've got a probl..

Boss: There's no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities.

Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.

*First day as drug dealer*

*Giggles* "coke isn't available, is Pepsi ok?"
*gets stabbed*

Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

Today would've been my mother's 50th birthday... But due to drug use and bad choices

We all forgot about it

My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas

I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since

Why is cocaine the alt-right's favorite drug?

White powder!

The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting

"Stay off the grass."

My drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness as a disguise...

He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people actually let him in

There's this new drug named Jesus

I've heard of a lot of people injecting it but I've started taking it orally.

I'd never take the lords name in vein

I said 'no' to drugs

But I don't think they're listening

A police officer with a drug dog approaches a man and says, "this dog tells me you're on drugs…"

To which the man responds, "I'm on drugs?!? You're the only talking to a dog!"

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer recently.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I'm still tripping.ο»Ώ

Drugs are not a solution!

Until you mix them with water

First day on the new job, Boss says "We're going to give a drug test"

and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."

Drug safety

Remember kids, say no to drugs because if the drugs are talking to you, you've had the right amount.

Why aren't there any fat girls on the boxes of girl scout cookies?

Because good drug dealers don't use their own product.

What do you call a book that lists the names of every drug on Earth?

Addictionary

I bought shoes from a drug dealer today...

I dont know what he laced them with but i have been tripping like crazy

My drug dealer sold me some shoes last night.

I'm not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

What do you get when you cross a Drug cartel and a Mafia lord?

Probably killed.

I'm not proud of it but I used the date rape drug last night...

All it did was make me tired. I wasn't able to get any of my raping done.

Drug test

A couple of days ago I had to do a drug test and it came up negative. Now, I have to have a serious talk with my dealer...

What's a programmer's favorite drug?

Codeine.

"Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning."

Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.


Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" and some people say, "oh my god, he *did?*" People always say something.


And then *you* say, "he did, he was assassinated. Someone from a drug cartel shot him with a golf gun. Bizarre story."


And you leave it there.


And if someone presses further, perhaps mention how terrible it must be to get shot by a golf gun.


And you'll eventually be asked, "what's a golf gun?"



To which you say, "don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....






To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!

My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.

It was all just smoke and mirrors.

5 boxes for a dollar...

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying, "5 boxes for a dollar."

Well, the woman just can't believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.

He replies, "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."

She says, "That can't be right!"

The clerk responds, "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended.
"What is your second wish?" - genie asked
"I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world."
Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?".
"Two lines of the best stuff on the world again."
Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again:
"So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"

Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:


1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

Who makes more money, a prostitute or a drug dealer? (NSFW)

It depends on who has the best crack.

I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world...

It's called Crystal Meh.

GRANDPA'S CONDOMS

An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Big enough to fit a Camel."

Protip: If you're looking for a needle in a haystack...

...you should probably be more concerned about confronting your horse concerning his drug problem

What did the druggie scientist say when he got high on Helium?

He He

Father Knows Best!

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."

There's a new drug that is guarenteed to get you molested.

The only side effect is you feel Spacey.

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

Why are all programmers drug addicts?

Cause they do a lot of codeine.

What do you call the crack dealer on a bicycle?

A drug peddler

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "nevermind"

Widow: Doctor, why did my husband die?

Doctor: Heavy drug use, ma'am.

Widow: But he never used drugs in his life!

Doctor: But I do.

A bear walks into a bar

"Sorry we don't serve bears in here" the barman says

"But I'm a big brown bear"

"Sorry we don't serve big brown bears"

Bear is angry and hits the bar with his claw "give me a beer now!"

"Sorry we don't serve bar bashing big brown bears!"

The bear picks up a barstool and smashes it against the ground "I want a beer!"

"Sorry we don't serve barstool breaking bar bashing big brown bears here"

The bear is getting angry and takes a bite from the counter "Give me a beer!"

"Sorry we dont serve drug addicts here either"

The bear is confused "I've never touched a drug in my life!!"

"What about that barbiturate"

What's the difference between LSD and LDS?

One is mind-bendingly insane, and the other is a drug.

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there's a dragon guarding the fridge?

Why couldn't Medusa pass a drug test?

Because she was a stoner.

What are the funniest drug jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Drug? Well, here are the best Drug puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Drug pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes