Drowning Jokes
106 drowning jokes and hilarious drowning puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drowning that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Drowning Short Jokes
Short drowning jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drowning humour may include short diving jokes also.
- A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are drowning and you can only save one. Do you... A: Have lunch.
B: Browse reddit. - If Trump and Hillary are both drowning and you could only save one... What type of sandwich would you make?
- Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.
- I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda. When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.
- If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... would you go to lunch or a movie?
- I've always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday... But no one ever drowns
- My buddy drowned the other day I placed a life jacket in his coffin
It's what he would've wanted - I found a butterfly without wings... So I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned.
- When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster... Poor little guy drowned in seconds..
- My friend drowned last week My friend drowned last week, so I had a wreath made in the shape of a life jacket in his memory. I'm sure it's what he would have wanted.
-Milton Jones
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Drowning One Liners
Which drowning one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drowning? I can suggest the ones about asphyxiation and dying.
- What does it look like when someone is drowning? lol
- I have often wanted to drown my sorrows... I just can't convince my wife to go swimming.
- Why does a surfing tree not drown? Because it wears Wooden Trunks!
- Why don't Amish people water ski? Because their horses would drown.
- Where are you most likely to drown? *Deepends*
- Two soldiers are in a tank They both drowned
- I almost drowned in my muesli this morning The currants were too strong for me
- Why did the kid drown in school? He got below C level grades.
- Did you hear about the blonde that tried to walk around the world? She drowned.
- My Egyptian friend just couldn't believe he was drowning... turns out he was in de-Nile
- Why did the president and his entourage drown? "Fake canoes."
- I tried skateboarding to work. Almost drowned. I'm a fisherman.
- I almost drowned yesterday. It was a breath-taking experience.
- What did the drowning mathematician say? Logloglogloglog...
- Did you hear about the street walker in Venice? She drowned.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Drowning Jokes
What funny jokes about drowning you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean submerged jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drowning pranks.
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How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
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Apparently as a 4-year old, h**... was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
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What does a cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
Drowns.
A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor
A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"
God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My grandfather drowned in varnish recently.
A horrible way to go, but a lovely finish.
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Un Deux t**...
A French cat called Un Deux t**... attempted to swim the English Channel last weekend but sadly didn't make it and drowned. It was all over the news the next day; "Un Duex t**... Cat Sank"
The difference between a Republican and a Democrat . . .
A Republican sees a man drowning 50 feet from the pier. He throws the man a 25 foot rope, and expects him to swim half way.
A Democrat sees a man drowning 50 feet from the pier. He throws him a 100 foot rope. Then lets of of his end.
Blonde, Brunette, Redhead
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 1000 kilometers from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim.
The brunette goes 200 kilometers, gets tired, and drowns.
The redhead goes 650 kilometers, gets tired, and also drowns.
Then the blonde gets to 999 kilometers, gets tired, turns around and swims back.
A Lawyer and an IRS Agent
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?
Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...
And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"
Job Fatality in Ireland
An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.
She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, tis" says the priest.
"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.
"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
"Was it a quick death, father?"
"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"
If your ex wife, and ex mother in law were drowning and you could only save one.. What kind of sandwich would you make?
Why God never got a PhD
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Not a joke, just a story with a reminder to be careful when telling jokes...
I heard a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
I decided to repeat the joke in work today to a few of my customers (I work in a pub) and when I finished, o**... got really mad at me. He screamed that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
I asked, "Did he drown?"
The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"
[Programmer Joke] Why did the int drown?
Because he couldn't float! (Insert laughter here)
I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.
He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"
I'd like to drown my sorrows.
But I can't convince my wife to go swimming.
I started playing water polo the other day
It was all fun and games until my horse drowned
If all humans held hands around the equator of Earth
A significant amount of then would probably drown.
What does Hillary Clinton use to drown the noise of Black Lives Matter protesters?
White noise
When I told my friend how my dad drowned in the longest river on earth, he didn't belive me.
He was in denial.
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were cruising around in a pickup truck
As they were crossing a bridge, they lost control of the truck and it plunged into the river below. The redhead quickly opened her door and swam to the surface. The brunette's door was stuck, but she was able to roll down the window and also swam to the surface. The blonde unfortunately drowned - she couldn't get the tailgate down.
Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.
"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."
How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents
Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the reindeer drowned.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.
I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a p**...'.
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My friend drowned. So at his f**......
...we took a cake shaped like a life raft.
After all...It's what he would have wanted.
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I saved my cannibal neighbor's daughter from drowning today. Her father was so grateful he gave me a hand shake.
It had some chunks, but it was delicious.
A married couple came upon a wishing well
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a quarter. The wife decided to make a wish, too but she leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist go to the beach...
The physicist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the fluid dynamics." The physicist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Then the biologist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the local marine life." The biologist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Lastly, the chemist looks out over the ocean and says "I have come to a conclusion, physicists and biologists are soluble in water!"
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Why are Dutch people so tall?
Shorter ones drowned in floods.
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Just got back from a friends f**... who drowned last week.
I got a lot of a**... from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
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DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT
Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you m**...!"
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Your son is dead...
DEAD serious... about having his f**... tomorrow. He shot himself.
With a water gun! So I drowned him.
Drowned him with love!
That's right, I r**... him to death.
It's been 5 months since my best friend drowned in a river in Egypt.
....and he's still in denial.
An old Egyptian pharaoh drowned himself when he learned the new, younger pharaoh was taking over...
He was in denial.
I'm in Ocean Beach and a homeless man just told me this joke.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
He was too far out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
water can solve all your problems, want to lose weight, drink mor water, want to wake up, splash want water on your face, someone getting on your nerves,
drown them
A man died in an accident when working at the brewery.
When the police arrived at his home to inform his wife, she asked how it happened. "Well, madam, I'm sorry to say he fell into one of the beer cauldrons and drowned," said the officer. In tears, the wife asked the officer, "Please, at least tell me it was a quick death". "Unfortunately not," the officer explains, "witnesses say he climbed out at least twice to go to the bathroom".
Little Timmy drowned the other day.
He was buried in a lifejacket. It's what he would have wanted.
God Will Save Me
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A schoolboy rescues President Trump
A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.
The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.
"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.
A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair? the president asks.
Well, the boy explains, when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.
*(
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Where do you drown a hippie?
In the mainstream (I know it was terrible)
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A wife went to the beach and didn't return. A husband called the police.
The police came in a week.
- We have 3 news for you: good, bad and great.
- Let's start with the bad one.
- Your wife drowned - we pulled her out of the water.
- And what is the good news?
- We have picked up a bucket of large c**... from her body.
- And what is the great news?
- We'll pull it out again tomorrow. Let's go for a beer!
A man decided to visit a fortune teller...
After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.
I went to college in Hawaii and
While I was jogging on the beach one day, I saw a man in the distance drowning !
He was waving his arms screaming:
Helllppppp.... *Shark* ... please... hellllpppppp
And then I started laughing, haha, cause I knew that that shark wasn't going to help him
If Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were drowning
If Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were drowning and you could only save one of them, where would you and Justin Trudeau go for lunch?
If Donald Trump and Kim-Jong Un were drowning and you could only save one of them, where would you and Justin Trudeau go for lunch?
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend Dave drowned.
At his f**... we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.
A priest, jesus and Shaggy sitting in a drowning boat...
Jesus goes to his knees and prays. Stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.
Shaggy stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.
The priest prays on his knees stands up and tries to walk over the Water, but drowns.
On the coast jesus asks shaggy : "shouldn't we told him where the stones were"
"Like, which stones" shaggy answers...
Did you hear about the Egyptian who refused to accept that he was drowning?
He was in denial
A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...
He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.
The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.
"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"
"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "I'M LITERALLY SOAKING!"
My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.
That's how they drowned.
Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.
I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:
Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A. You throw in your washing.
Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Did he drown?"
"No, said the man, "He choked to death on a sock."
Chuck Norris Joke
A priest, Jesus and Chuck Norris are on a sinking boat. Jesus starts to walk back to land. Chuck Norris does the same. The priest says "Lord, please let me walk on water", tries to walk but drowns. When Jesus and Chuck Norris got on land Jesus asked him "Shouldn't we have told him where the stones are"? And Chuck answered "Which stones"
A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach
A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.
The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes in the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.
The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. The amplitude. The periodicity. The reflections. He goes in the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.
The chemist is sitting on the beach making notes in his lab book. He writes, "Biologists and physicists are soluble in water"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend drowned himself in a vat of varnish. He had a horrible end,
...but a lovely finish.
A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.
A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.
The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.
The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. The amplitude. The periodicity. The reflections. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is aslo over his head. He drowns.
The chemist is sitting on the beach making notes in his lab book.
He writes, "Biologists and physicists are soluble in water."
A lady with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously , she asks a crew member 'just how far away from land are we?' Calmly, he reassures her ' you have nothing to worry about ,we're only 5 kilometers from land.' Relieved, she inquires 'oh, in which direction?'
That would be straight down, Miss........
Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?
She said no one told her to do it.
