Drove Jokes
127 drove jokes and hilarious drove puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drove that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Drove Short Jokes
Short drove jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drove humour may include short driving cars jokes also.
- The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes. - Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it. "For I speak not of my own Accord" - John 12:49
- My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
- My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta
- My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
- What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland? "Everyone got seat belts on back there?"
- I told my boyfriend that he better start treating me like a princess So he flew me to Paris, got me drunk, and drove me into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.
- My girlfriends dad told me that he'll do to me whatever I do to her. So I said "I paid for dinner and drove her home".
- My grandmother laughed when I said I was gonna build a car out of spaghetti. She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.
- A man and his wife drove past the beautiful countryside... They saw a pig, rolling in the mud, so wife said: "Your relative?"
Man replied: "Yes, mother-in-law."
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Drove One Liners
Which drove one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drove? I can suggest the ones about driving down the road and driving seat.
- I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning. I'm getting rather good at golf
- I hit the gym today... But I drove away because I don't have car insurance.
- Why did the cow miss the bus? It drove right pasture.
- my 9 year old - What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes? His loco motives.
- Why did the mandalorian keep winning races? He drove the beskar
- What kind of country would we have if everybody drove a pink Chevrolet? A pink carnation.
- I drove to Vegas in a $25,000 Chevy and came home in a $250,000 vehicle A greyhound bus.
- Had to dump my Amish girlfriend.... she drove me buggy.
- I just drove by an abandoned Dairy Queen. I guess you could say it was *dessert*ed
- My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it stinks..... So I drove her to New Jersey
- Why did everyone turn away when the race car drove past? It had a SPOILER on it.
- Why did the flat-earther couple break up? They drove each other to the edge.
- My dad drove in a pothole and his tire popped, this is how it went Badum-tsss
- A woman almost drove into me today I called her a cow because she couldn't steer.
- I recently drove through the town of Covert, New York on a road trip. I didn't notice.
Drove Cab Jokes
Here is a list of funny drove cab jokes and even better drove cab puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got so drunk last night that I had to take a cab home... you know, it was exciting." "That was the first time I ever drove one."
Uplifting Drove Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about drove you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drunk and drive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drove pranks.
Colin was on a long drive from Portugal to Spain with this cute girl he liked. When Colin made a move and kept his arm on her shoulder. The girl winked and said you can go further.
Colin drove to France.
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.
As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.
Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.
The police vs the senior citizen
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
Jesus saved my life...
And before I could thank him he got in the car with Miguel and drove away.
Borrowed Car
One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove by your house a bunch of times, but I didn't see your car in the driveway, so I thought you weren't home!"
A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.
St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Farmer tries to breed pigs
A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.
The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"
"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.
So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.
Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.
"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed.
The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.
"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"
I was walking home today...
...and a group of boys in a car drove past me and threw something out the window that just narrowly missed my head, I look down to find a block of cheese on the ground, and I just thought to myself... That's not very mature.
Old man driving alone
An old man is driving along the road humming to himself.
Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over.
He can't imagine what could be wrong.
"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"
"I did? I am so relieved."
"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"
The gent nods.
"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"
"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."
About yesterdays Alabama vs. Auburn game…
I feel bad for all the Alabama fans who drove their houses to the game yesterday.
This morning some bloke drove up to my house in a huge lorry and dumped off a massive pile of lego blocks.
I'm so furious I don't know what to make of it.
My friend got jury duty
So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.
Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.
A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.
"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."
Met a Dwarf Today....
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Muslim women are sitting talking...
The first one says, "I miss my eldest son Ahmed. He was martyred in Iraq last year."
"Oh I know," says the second women, "I miss little Hamza. He drove a car-bomb into a Syrian checkpoint six months ago."
The third woman nodded, "Me too. My Omar was a s**... bomber in Gaza, so sad."
The first woman shook her head sadly. "Kids these days. They blow up so fast."
My sister didn't believe me when I said I could drive spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
Young Chuck
One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.
Gf just passed her driving test
My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.
It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.
"I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test" I said
She slowly started unziping my flies.
Parking...
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
While in my car I drove beneath an overpass that was getting some work done on it
I was under construction.
In 1940 Russia, a poor man with no car was late to his daughter's wedding. He hitchhiked there with an unexpected guest who drove very slowly. What did he tell his daughter?
"Sorry I'm late. My ride was Stalin."
Here in England, we drive on the right side of the road.
If we drove on the wrong side, there'd be a lot more crashes.
A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.
Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.
The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."
Did you hear about that rich kid who got a car for his birthday?
He drove it into a tree to see how his Mercedes bends.
I saw a black man running down the street with a TV
I was worried it was mine so I drove home as fast as I could, when I got home I was relieved to find mine was still there...brushing the front porch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A t**... walks into a Christmas party
Just kidding.
He drove.
When I was a kid my dad left without any indication
All I remember of him was that he drove a BMW
Someone told me they wanted to be treated like a princess
So I put them in the back of a Mercedes and drove into a wall.
A friend bet me that I couldn't turn spaghetti into a motor vehicle
She was really mad when I drove pasta
I got a strange note in my bag at the taco bell drive-thru last night...
The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."
I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"
I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.
Turns out it was a Miss Steak.
Job Security
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse.
One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked Joe.
"About $5,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
So, there was this rich dude...
One day, as he is driving his fancy car down the road, he is singing to himself I love my BMW, I love BMW. He was so wrapped up in his song he missed a turn and hit a tree. Surprisingly he survived, but instead of calling for help he was crying out my BMW, oh my BMW. Just then a good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The rich dude, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
My wife told me I could never make a car out of spaghetti...
Well, you should've seen her face as I drove pasta.
My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess.
So I put her into the back of my mercedes and drove it into a wall.
Somebody drove past me on a tractor yelling "the end of the world is nigh!"
I think it was Farmer Geddon
I drove past an accident involving an ice cream truck.
It must have been pretty bad because I heard one of the paramedics say that it looks like they lost a few pints.
I accidentally drove my lake into the car
Even if I said that correctly I'd still sound high
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man had a massive s**... and his family drove him to the hospital.
After a while, the doctor appeared wearing a long face.
Doctor: I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.
"Oh dear God," cried his wife, we've never had a liberal in the family before!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Big shout going out to St Patrick, who supposedly drove all the snakes out or Ireland.
But let's face it, thats clearly b**..., they didn't have cars back then
Two sailors where trading jokes on a submarine.
One of them says, this is the best joke ever: A bus driver drove into a nun and then starts laughing hysterically.
Confused, the other sailor asked, how is that even funny?
The other sailor says it's not, but on this sub it is
Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had
The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!
Dad joke: what would happen if everyone in a country drove a pink automobile?
We would have a pink car nation.
(Like the flower..... ok I'll see myself out...)
I wanted to order food from a fancy restaurant
I didn't want to leave the house, though, so I had them bring the food to me.
I ordered a medium rare steak and foie gras, but when the food arrived my foie gras was missing!
Furious, I drove over to the restaurant and demanded they give me my full order. They did, and before I left I asked them why they did not provide me what I asked for.
The chef said, "Well sir, you said you wanted your meal de-livered."
My alcoholic dad said my mother drove him to drink.
Sometimes she'd even pick him up afterwards.
My brother and I were stopped at a red light
My brother and I were stopped at a red light when a landscaping truck drove past, its entire back laden with fresh green sod.
"Wow," he deadpanned. "I wish I had enough money to send my lawn out to get cut."
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.
I drove past a billboard promoting Niagara Falls as the tallest waterfall in the world...
Turns out it was falls advertising.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just drove past a prison and noticed a short fella escaping by sliding down a rope hung from the prison wall...
I thought, that's a little condescending.
An animal with big antlers jumped into my car and drove it off...
I mistook it for a reindeer, then realized it was just a commandeer.
I once ate a quarter ounce of mushrooms and drove from Flint from Auburn hills while being lectured by a Giant Goldcap on why i'd never do mushrooms again.
Turns out, he was completely right.
I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"
I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."
When I was a kid, my dad saw a sign in a nice neighborhood that said, "Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,"...
So he drove halfway across the country without saying goodbye!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drove by a new s**... club earlier that serves sushi
It was called Bento-ver.
What's your favorite joke that most people don't get?
When I forget my keys, I walk back to grab them and often say to someone nearby, "I drove half way home before I realized I forgot my keys." Rarely does anyone get it.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do! Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he's really a big lyre.
I drove my friends to the pub without a license.
If I'm honest, I don't know how they're still open.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
friend: where were you?
**me:** I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
**friend:** flu?
**me:** nah— just drove really fast
