After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.
"I'm chilly"
She steps closer and takes my hand
"Will you be my con queso?"
And before I could even respond ...
"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"
Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.
But now it's just water under the fridge.
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
....He hypnotized 7 guys...then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME".....what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.
I guess we'll just have to call them the Ts.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."
It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.
They make a bet who would be the most "americanized" in a year.
After this year, one brother says, "i just dropped my kids off at baseball and we're having mcdonald's later".
The other brother says, "fuck off, towelhead!"
So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the microphone on his foot and said 'fuck me!'
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
He didn't get the gold but he got the silver back.
A first-time John went to a whorehouse. He entered a private room, put $50 on the table and dropped his pants.
At the sight of the man's 18-inch penis, the hooker almost fainted.
"Hold on, pal," she said. "I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you are not sticking that in me."
The man pulled up his pants, picked up his money and said, "Screw you bitch. I can do those things myself."
When suddenly, he dropped one of his oars into the water, frustrated that he couldn't get the boat moving, he decided to seek help.
He saw someone with two beautiful women on his boat who also had a spare oar. "Excuse me, may I borrow one of your oars?" he yelled.
The man appeared offended, "thems ain't 'ores, thems me sisters!"
He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling
Dad: Son what happened?
Son: it's nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs
Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt
Son: yeah it's because i was wearing it
Worst part is, I caught it
A dell must be rolling in the deep
It quickly became the number 1 hit in Afghanistan
What the Hellmann
The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not very tall.
"Who the hell dropped paint on us?"
That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.
Mitosis
He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.
After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
The doctor says "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."
With that the guy dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.
The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me. I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
The guy starts sobbing and says "It's swollen."
"My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"
10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said
"Just tell her Larry sent you"
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
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