A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
Wow, that's amazing! the doctor says.
Did you follow my instructions?
The blonde nods…
I'll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.
No, from skipping, replied the blonde.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
Doctor: sir, we've narrowed your wife's illness down to two things. She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS.
Man: Well how are we supposed to know which?
Doctor: Take her for a drive, drop her off 30 minutes from your house and if she comes home don't fuck her.
His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
Employee : Sir, you called me?
Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?
Boss : Do it once more.
Employee : I'm really sorry sir, but I don't have any stamina left now. I can't do it anymore.
Boss : Very good, here are my car
keys, drop my daughter home.
...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge.
They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.
The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout "viva la france!!"
The king of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la españa!!"
The king of England drops his, a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts "God save the Queen!!!"
Concrete floors are really hard to crack.
Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.
...if anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
Because I want to drop a baby in you.
A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.
"Bullshit!", he exclaims in response. "I haven't had a single drop! The machine is obviously broken, test it on my wife!"
The policeman reluctantly agrees as the man does not seem intoxicated. As the wife is blowing into the breathalizer, it beeps again and shows that she is drunk as well.
"See? It doesn't work! You can even test my 4-year-old son!"
So the 4-year-old kid takes the breathalizer test and whaddaya know, it says he's drunk as well. "As I said it's broken, you should get it checked."
The policeman is left puzzled, he apologises and lets the man on his way.
As they start driving along again, the man turns to his wife and says: "You see that? I told you it won't hurt to give the kid a taste."
A man walks into a seedy brothel. "What can i get for 5 bucks"? he asks. "Not much," the madam replies. "but i suppose you might get a penguin." The man isn't sure what a "penguin" is but, being desperate, he hands over his cash. The madam takes him to a back room and tells him to drop his pants. A prostitute then comes in and starts to give him a fantastic blowjob. He's just about to blow his load when the prostitute gets up and leaves. The man waddles after her with his pants around his ankles. "Hey!" he shouts. "What the fuck is a penguin"?
'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen',he said.....
The husband is hopping into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the door-bell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Bob looks a bit flustered from seeing her in the towel, but smiles and says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking about it she realises she has the chance of earning $800 within a minute, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
'Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and napkins flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.
Hitler and Mussolini came back from the dead and were sitting in a bar in TX, because why not? This drunk redneck hears them making plans of picking up where they left off.
He hears Hitler say, so the plan is to round up all the Jews in Hollywood, DC, and Isreal; get them all together along with ten puppies and drop a bomb right on that spot.
The Texan asks, but wait, why the Hell would you want to kill the ten puppies?
Hitler nudges Mussolini "See, I told you. Nobody cares about the Jews."
A flat minor
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
He tells her "Excuse me miss, I will pay you 100 dollars if you have sex with me."
The woman quickly responds saying "I won't have sex with you for so little money. My boyfriend would be furious!"
The man then changes his offer "Okay how about this? I will drop the 100 dollars onto the floor. I can do whatever I want with you until you pick up 100 dollars. That seem fair?"
The girl says "Let me call my boyfriend and see what he thinks." The girl calls her boyfriend and tells her the deal he says "Yeah just pick it up, he won't even be able to get your pants off. Call me once you have it." The girl friend hangs up and agrees to the mans offer.
The boyfriend waits patiently at his phone for 15 minutes, then 30, then 40 and his girlfriend hasn't called him back. He calls his girlfriend and hears heavy breathing and yells "Why haven't you picked up the money yet?!"
The girlfriend exclaims "He had it in quarters!"
, "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out." Then he hands him a plastic cup. Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out. The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out." The Mafia leader hands him a new cup. So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out with much less in the cup than the first time. The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one more time." He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom. He comes out and there's only a tiny drop in the cup. The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Steve, I want you to drive my daughter to Manhattan."
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years, I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
The doctor asks to see the man alone in the hallway.
Once they're alone the doctor says to the man, "There's been a mix-up in your wife's test results. It might take a few days to a week to clear up. What we do know, though, is that she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
The man cries out, "This is terrible! What should I do?"
"Well.", replied the doctor, "If I were you, I'd take her and drop her off on the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
So I drop it into reverse and try again.
He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"
Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone's surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass.
Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that.
"Oh, that's easy." Replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
A flat minor
I was embarrassed, but she said, Don't worry, I am a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said, My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny .
Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
Some people drop acid while others drop the base.
Employee: Sir, you called me?
Boss: Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee, after few minutes: Done sir.
Boss: Do it again.
Employee: Done again, sir.
Boss: Do it once more.
Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss: Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home.
"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."
She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.
Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.
She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.
Bob hands here the 800 dollars and walks away.
My wife comes upstairs.
I asked her, Hey, who was at the door?
"Oh, just our neighbor Bob." She says.
I say, "Oh damn, where'd he go? Does he have the $800 he owes me?"
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
Said the nurse. "I am a professional. In over 20 years of working here, I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay, then," Said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very bad at laughing at the mans part she composed herself as well as she could. "I am very sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"Its swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
Doctor: Unfortunately we have mixed up her reports with someone else. so she either has AIDS or alzheimer's.
Distraught old man: oh my god doctor! what should i do??
Doctor: (*thinks for a sec*) drop her to the edge of the city and if she makes it back don't fuck her
I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
I'd have toucans.
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
Seems like I have to drop the bomb twice.
"Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my anus."
The doctor instructs him to drop his trousers, and then examines him.
The man asks, "Is it serious, doc?"
The doctor replies, "Sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits!," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
You can just drop her off anywhere.
......So I turned it into wine
Worst part is, I caught it
A dell must be rolling in the deep
It quickly became the number 1 hit in Afghanistan
What the Hellmann
San Diego
^^San-dee-eygo
^^^^sandee-eygo
^^^^^sandy-eggo
^^^^^i'll ^^^^let^^^^myself^^^^out
Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?
Student: No
Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?
Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn't put it in.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen."
and he says, "I bet you $2,000 that I can sit on your bar stool, spin around and pee nto that shot glass on the other side of the bar.". The bartender says, "Okay, lets see it.". Then the man starts and he pees all over the bar without a single drop landing in the shot glass. The bartender just laughs and then the man pays him the $2,000. The bartender then asks why he took the bet if he knew he couldn't do it. The man replies "I bet the three guys over there that I could pee all over your bar and all you would do is laugh for $10,000."
"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."
To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Credit to /u/Bidonet
By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.
You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
A flat miner
Drop the ant in a glass of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant.
If it floats, it's buoyant.
Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
Guest arrives
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
loud sound comes from the kitchen
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans
Just watch FSU in the Rose Bowl
, "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out." Then he hands him a plastic cup. Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out. The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out." The Mafia leader hands him a new cup. So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out with much less in the cup than the first time. The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one more time." He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom. He comes out and there's only a tiny drop in the cup. The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Steve, I want you to drive my daughter to Manhattan."
He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days."
A drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in Hamburg and make it back to Liverpool the same day!'
German man, gives a sarcastic laugh and replies 'Oh yeah old man, what rig were you driving?'
Old fella replies 'a fucking Lancaster Bomber!!'
You can drop her off anywhere.
A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.
The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"What? Why?" asks the guy.
"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."
San Diego
(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)
Now it's syncing.
She goes inside to drop off her blouse. Before she leaves the owner says, "Come again!". The girl replied, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
Because his father was in the pen, and he didn't know how long the sentence was!
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.
I'm going to hell..
You have to drop the Bomb twice before she gets the Message.
And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and six drops were squeezed out. Flabbergasted, the bartender asked, "How did you do that? What did you do for a living? Were you a lumberjack, or a body builder?" The old man smiled, and said, "I worked for the IRS."
Drop it.
How do you make a baby stop crying?
Drop it again.
The situation is getting out of hand.
Anyway you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.
If anybody does, we can drop them off at your place.
One is holding a large cross and the other a large star of david. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the star of david but drop money in the other guy's hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the star of david and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a star of david."
The guy holding the star of david then turns to the guy holding the cross and says, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach us marketing!"
You have to drop the bomb twice before she understands.
The pounds will drop fast.
... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
SOURCE: One of about three jokes the PhD students from the computational mathematics and statistics know.
-------
Bonus: Incest is a family-wise error.
After all, I could've sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.
The fact that you can drop them off anywhere you want
The cop says to the driver, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take a breathalyzer test for me."
Driver: "I'm sorry officer, I can't do that."
Cop: "Why not, sir?"
Driver: "Because I have asthma and it will aggravate my condition."
Cop: "Okay sir, then I'm going to prick your finger and draw a drop of blood to test."
Driver: "Oh I'm sorry officer, I won't be able to do that either."
Cop: "What is the problem, sir?"
Driver: "Well you see, the thing is that I'm anemic."
Cop: "Okay sir, then I'm going to need to ask you to step out of the car and walk the line at the side of the road."
Driver: "I'm sorry officer, but I can't do that either."
Cop: "And why is that, sir?"
Driver: "Because I'm drunk."
So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a threesome with them. So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a threesome with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"
A Marine gets into his dress uniform and goes to a brothel. The madam says to him "Hello there soldier, show me what you got".
The marine proceeds to drop his pants and says "watch this... TEN HUT!" and his unit becomes fully erect. He then says "at ease" and it drops. The madam is quite impressed and takes him into the parlor saying "You have got to show this to the other girls"
Arriving in the parlor with about 20 beautiful women in various stages of undress, the marine drops his pants again and says "TEN HUT". once again his manhood stands to attention "at ease" and once again it drop.
The girls start laughing and pointing "do it again, do it again"
Once again the marine says "TEN HUT" and the unit rises. "at ease"... nothing happens "AT EASE"... still rock hard "AT EASE GOD-DAMMIT" ... nothing. So the marine begins masturbating.
"What the fuck are you doing??" shout the women.
The marine replies "any soldier that doesn't follow orders deserves a dishonorable discharge."
He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days.
Drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in Hamburg and make it back to Liverpool the same day!'
German man, gives a sarcastic laugh and replies 'Oh yeah old man, what rig were you driving?'
Old fella replies 'a fucking Lancaster Bomber!!'
A scrawy guy has a hard time attracting women on the beach....so he goes to the life guard and asks for advice and the lifeguard tells him "Next time...wear a speedo 2 sizes small and drop a potato inside" the guy decides to follow the advice
The next day...the scrawny guy comes back and all the women run away in horror except for the lifeguard. The guy asks the lifeguard "You told me this would work!"
The lifeguard shook his head and said "The potato...goes in the front"
I can just drop her off anywhere after the date right?
He puts an ad in the paper saying that if anyone can beat his bartender in a feat of strength, then he will give them 10,000$. So people come from all over trying to win the money, bodybuilders, construction workers, boxers, but nobody can beat him. In order to win, they must squeeze just one drop of juice out of a lemon after the bartender squeezes it. So one day a skinny man in a suit with point dexter glasses walks in and says he can beat the bartender in the feat of strength. After everyone in the bar stops laughing, the bartender says ok and start squeezing and squeezing until there's almost nothing left in the lemon. So he hands it to the man and in just ten seconds the skinny man gets 6 drops out of the lemon. The owner of the bar gives him his money and says "before you go, tell me, how did you do that? Are you a magician? Martial artist? How in the world did you beat him?" And the man replies "oh no no no, I work for the IRS."
"You can get a penguin" says the pimp at the front desk.
"A penguin? Sounds sweet!"
The pimp brings the man back to a room and a fine young woman walks in and tells him to drop his pants.
"Oh boy im in for a good one!"
She starts going down on him and as soon as he's about to reach climax she gets up and walks out.
"Hey, where ya goin?!?!" the man says, waddling after her with his pants around his ankles.
a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp.
The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it.
The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again "Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England?", and they do it!
The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says "Nein! Dis ve can't do anymore!" And he asks "Why not?". And the german says "Ve think yoo are trying to escape!"
For health reasons this old guy has to quit drinking. His wife is real strict about it, won't even let him to go this local bar, which is just a block up the road.
Then she has to go out of town. She tells him, "Don't you drink one drop, don't you even go down there." And he's thinking whatever, how's she going to know?
So as soon as she's out of the house, he heads down the block to his bar. One pint turns into four, and four turns into eight, and... Realizing how drunk he is, the guy stands up and falls right over. He's so drunk he can't even walk! So he crawls out of the bar, and then has to shuffle on his stomach the whole way home. Finally he gets home and crawls into bed.
The phone rings the next morning. It's his wife. "I *told* you not to go drinking, dammit."
"How did you know?" he sputters.
"The bartender called, you left your wheelchair."
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
Having to drop the bomb twice for her to get the message.
**What is the best Christmas present in the world?**
A broken drum – you just can't beat it
**What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?**
It's Christmas, Eve!
**What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?**
Frostbite!
**Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?**
They always drop their needles!
**Did Rudolph go to school?**
No. He was Elf-taught!
**Who is Santa's favorite singer?**
Elf-is Presley!
**What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?**
He got 25 days!
**Why does Santa have three gardens?**
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
**What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?**
Twerky!
**Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?**
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.
A man walks up to the counter of a drug store and asks to buy some condoms. The extremely attractive woman behind the counter asks what size he would like.
"Huh, I don't know really. I don't know how to tell."
The woman then asks the man to drop his pants, she reaches over the counter, grabs his penis, then says over the speaker, "Medium condoms to counter 7". The man pays for his condoms and leaves.
A 16 year old boy sees this and decides to try the same thing. He goes up to the counter and asks for some condoms. The woman asks what size he would like, and he says, "Huh, I don't know. I don't really know how to tell."
The woman tells him to drop his pants, she reaches over the counter, grabs his penis, then says over the speaker, "Clean up at counter 7."
Because you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.
Because i want to drop babies in you.
A flat major.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?
B flat.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?
An episode of Top Gear.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "i'll give you $800 the drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob hands her the $800 after a moment and leaves. The woman wraps back up her towel and goes back upstairs. When she's in the bedroom the husband asks "who was that?" "It was bob the next-door neighbor," she replies. He says "Great, did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it
...that's the word on the street anyway.
you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it
He got too attached to his work.
I went to the doctors office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed but she said Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before, just tell me what's wrong and il check it out.
I said, my wife thinks by dick tastes funny .
It quacked.
A couple is taking a shower together and the wife hears the door bell, she hops out the shower and puts a towel on. She opens the door to see Jonny from across the street and said hi. Shocked to see a fine middle aged women naked under a towel, Jonny offers her $100 to drop the towel to her waist. She hesitated but took his offer and showed him her tits, Not fully satisfied he offers her another $100 to drop her towel completely to the floor. As crazy as it sounded to the wife, she snatched the $100 and dropped her towel. Jonny soon went on his way with a smile and the wife with $200 bucks for getting naked. The wife headed back in the shower and her husband ask who was it? she say ohhh It was just Jonny from across the street, and the husband said oh did he mention anything about that $200 he owed me?
Not my joke, a joke I remember a customer telling me.
A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!
A man brings his wife into the doctor's office and tells the doctor, "There is something wrong with her but I can't tell what. Can you examine her?"
The doctor does, and returns. "I'm not exactly sure what's going on but I've narrowed it down to either Alzheimer's or AIDS. I think there's a way you can figure it out, though."
"What's that?" asks the husband.
"Well," the doctor says. "Take her home but drop her off two blocks from your house. If she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
Apparently she can't handle disappointment.
so he decides its time for a vasectomy. he goes to the doctor who explains the procedure and the cost. billy joe asks if theres a cheaper way to handle this... the doc says "aren't you billy joe the redneck? heres what you need to do, drink a six pack, but in the last can light a cherry bomb, drop it in, then count to ten! You only need to buy the beer and the cherry bomb." Billy joe is sceptical, but takes the doctors advise. He downs a sixpack, put a lit cherry bomb in the sixth can and starts counting... 1....2...3....4....5. (places can between legs so he can use his other fingers...)
Because there were too many damn inequalities.
A flat miner.
He takes a shot glass and slams it on the bar and says to the bartender. "I bet you 200 bucks I can stand 10 feet away, piss into that shot glass and fill it to the top without getting a drop anywhere else in the bar."
The bartender laughs at the man and agrees to the bet, thinking he'll make an easy 200 bucks.
So the man whips it out and starts pissing all over the bar, the seats, the floor. Not a drop gets in the shot glass.
The bartender laughs hysterically. "Oh man! You didn't get a single drop in the glass you idiot! You owe me 200 bucks!"
The man replies "That's fine, I just bet the guys at that table over there 400 bucks that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be happy about it."
Now her clothes don't fit.
...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.
Since Trump's fucking them as we speak.
There is a father and son, and the father is getting too old for the son to take care. He needs to be out into a nursing home. Being a kindhearted and loving son he doesn't just drop him off at any old dump. He takes his time and shops around. And eventually finds a decent place. After getting his father settled in, before leaving the son says,"Dad if you need anything let me know, or if this place isn't top notch, we'll get you out of here and find another place."
Later that day the old man is getting a sponge bath from a one of the nurses and becomes aroused. Out of no where the nurse goes down on him and gives him a blowjob. Immediately afterwards he calls his son and he says,"Son thank you, this place is great. I love it here."
Later that day the old guy is walking down the hall, he slip and falls. And then one of the male orderlys comes of up behind him, pulls his pants down and rapes him right up the butt. Immediately afterwards he calls his son and he says,"Son you got to get me out of here, you got to get me out of here." The son replies,"You just called and said the place was great and you were happy, what the hell?"
The father answers,"I only get turned on once a month, I fall down three times a day!"
Bound to have shitty time.
When your girlfriend's/wife's pants become a rare drop!
The balls drop.
You have to drop the bomb twice so they get the message
And says to the barman "I'll bet you 200 dollars I can piss into that bottle without spilling a drop". The barman knows it's impossible so he agrees. The man attempts it and pisses all over the bar and completely fails.
The barman says " I'll have that 200 dollars now", to which the man says "Sure, one sec." He walks over to some of his friends sitting at a table scowling. They give him something and then he comes back to the barman and hands him the 200 dollars. The barman asks "What was that about over there?".
The man says " I bet the guys over there 600 dollars i could piss on the bar without being kicked out."
An Irish man goes to the Doctor...
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
The patient then says...
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
What the fuck is the F-bomb?
Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other. Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?" The boy just sits there and doesn't answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?" The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?" To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"
A man has a very bad case of worms so he goes to very famous doctor. the doctor assesses his case and says go to the market buy the biggest juicy watermelon you can find, cut off one end drop your pants and sit on it. The worms will go into it and leave your body. So the guy does just that and when he sits down the king worm comes out tastes the watermelon and says " bring it in boys"!
The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.
If I ever decide to break up with her I will have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message
A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.
So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'
Now there's a dell rolling in the deep.
A♭m
The general was going in a trip and he had to leave his wife ... he knew that she bangs the other soldiers so he put a razor inside her vagina
After he came back he said
" alright maggots drop your pants "
So one of the soldiers starts stuttering and asking him why sir ...
" I SAID NOW YOU CLOWNDICK "
So they all drop their pants and all of their dicks are cut in half except one
So the general said " I knew I could trust you Bill . You're gonna get promoted "
So bill replies
" shanks thir "
The doctor tells the man to turn around, drop his trousers, and bend over. The doctor begins looking and says he can see a few leaves. The man replies, 'I'm afraid that's just the tip of the iceberg'.
A cop is walking down the street and notices a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. Can I help you? he asked.
The blonde woman replied, I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it.
The cop asked, Did you drop it right here?
No, responded the blonde, I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here.
Drop him off at band practice.
and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'
Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'
The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'
If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop
He was hit by a bus.
Cause I wanna drop a baby in you
What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
* loud sound comes from the kitchen *
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.
She's acting like a basic bitch.
Because she was hit by a bus.
One to drop it and six to pick it up pick it up pick it up
A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Drop? Well, here are the best jokes about Drop to have fun with.