Driving Seat Jokes
107 driving seat jokes and hilarious driving seat puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about driving seat that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Driving Seat Short Jokes
Short driving seat jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The driving seat humour may include short passenger seat jokes also.
- My Spanish wife always warned me about driving with her desserts between the front seats, but I never listened Then one day the shift hit the flan
- The shortest Dad Joke in the world. Driving down a country road with your kids in the back seat, point at a stack of hay bales on some random farm and exclaim:
># Hey! - I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats. BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.
Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch - Submitting this while I'm in a car... Don't worry... I'm in the passenger seat, which makes it harder to drive but fools the COPS.
- I don't want to just get motivated. I want to be driven. Like, literally, I want to recline in the passenger seat while someone is driving me to my goals.
- What did St Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland? "Seat belts on in the back there guys, or there's no stopping at the shop."
- Why can't Hellen Keller drive? Seriously I've got her in the driver's seat and everything and she's not doing anything
- I always adjust the seat and mirrors when I drive my husband's car so he doesn't forget he's married.
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Driving Seat One Liners
Which driving seat one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with driving seat? I can suggest the ones about driving and car seat.
- Life hack Use your seat belt buckle to open your beer while driving
- A blonde shows up to her first driving lesson and says "Oh, there's a *front* seat, too?
Driving Seat Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about driving seat you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean backseat driver jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make driving seat pranks.
There's a blond and a brunette in a car.
The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A trooper stops a car and he tells the driver he stopped him for speeding.
The irate driver says, "You're nuts, I wasn't speeding!"
The driver's wife says, "Oh you old fool you are always driving too fast!"
The driver yells at his wife, "shut up, old lady."
The trooper is taken aback by the exchange but tells the driver he also is in violation the seat belt law.
The driver once again complains that he was wearing his seatbelt.
The wife states, "You never wear your seatbelt."
Driver "I am going to s**... you if you dont shut up".
Not wanting a fight the trooper asked the wife, "Does he always talk to you that way?"
"ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK," the wife states.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two r**..., Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops.
At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off.
She turned to the bus driver and said, "I think I was just molested back there."
The bus driver looked at her and said, "Not on my bus. You couldn't have been."
So, he lets her off and drives on.
He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off.
She, too, looks at the bus driver and says, "I think I was just molested back there."
Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of.
He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus.
To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees.
The bus driver says, "Sir, what are you doing?"
The man looks at him and says, "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again."
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear.
No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
This woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she'd like a ride.
The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.
The driver said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, "Good trade."
Driving home from the bar, one of the boy's was showing off his new self-driving car.
"Look" he said proudly as the car stopped automatically at an intersection.
From the back seat, one of the drunks wakes up to say: "One way or another, don't all cars stop on their own?"
The pope was visiting New York
His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.
"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back.
The pope had not driven a car for ages and the limousine had a powerful engine so he raced through the streets of New York running red lights and breaking the speed limit. This had to draw a lot of attention and soon he was pulled over by a traffic cop.
As the pope rolled down the window the cop could see that this was not an ordinary speeding case. He went back to his car to call his superiors on the radio.
"I've pulled someone over and I'm not sure what to do. I can tell it's a VIP but I'm not sure who it is"
"A VIP? Don't tell me it's the police commissioner again!"
"No. It's not him. It's someone more important."
"More important? Is it the mayor?"
"No. It's not him either. It's someone more important than the mayor"
"More important than the mayor? Are you telling me you've pulled over the president?"
"No. Not the president either. I's someone more important"
"More important? Who can be more important than the president?"
"I don't know! I just know he's so important that he's got the pope as his driver!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the w**..., fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
Bottle of Wine
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.'
A Jewish girl....
.....flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.
The Hitchhiker
A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native American hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the Native man in, offering him a ride home.
The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eying the large bottle of gin on the floor of the passenger seat. Not wanting the guy to get any ideas, he says "Ah, I got that bottle for my wife."
The Native man says nothing for a few moments, then softly replies
"Good trade."
This guy's wife gets a cat...
This guy's wife gets a cat and he hates it. So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks, and lets the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there on the front porch.
So the next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again, then throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there again on the front porch.
Well, the guy's furious. So he waits until the next day, then throws the cat in the car, and drives as far and fast as he can, making all the turns and doubling back he can to throw off the cat. He dumps out the cat and heads home, but realizes he can't figure out where he is.
So that afternoon, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone. It's her husband. He asks, "Is the cat there?"
She says, "Yes."
The guy says, "I'm lost. Put the cat on the phone."
A joke.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
The old woman and the highway
A cop is driving down the highway one night when he passes a rickety sedan going 25 mph (about 40 km/h). He pulls the car over and asks the driver, a sweet little old woman, "Ma'am, why weren't you doing the speed limit?"
The lady replies, "But, officer, that sign said '25' and I was only obeying it!"
"25 is the number of the route," the policeman explains patiently. "The speed limit is 70 (about 115km/h)."
At this point the officer looks around the car for other passengers and sees three other women, clutching their seats and shaking.
"Oh, I see!" replies the driver. "We just got off route 150."
A man and his chicken...
Once upon a time there was a man, lets call him George. Now George had a pet chicken, and he loved this chicken to death. He did everything with his chicken, he walked with it, he talked with it, he even bathed with it. One day George decided he wanted to go to the movies, and decided he would bring his chicken along with him. So, chicken in hand, he drives to the movie theater. When he gets to the theater he buys two tickets. The employee who sold George his tickets ask "Who is the other ticket for?". George responds "Oh its for my pet chicken here". The employee then tells George that he can't bring a chicken to the movies. So being crafty George walks into the alley next the the movie theater and shoves the chicken down his pants, he then walks back into the theater and takes a seat. About half way through the movie he decides that the chicken could probably use some air so he unzips his fly. Sitting next to George were to woman and one says to the other "Oh my the man next to me just unzipped his fly!". The other responds "So what? You seen one you seen'em all!". And woman number one responds "Yeah but this ones eating my popcorn..."
A man and his wife are driving home one night...
when a cop pulls them over. As they're sitting there waiting, the man realizes he doesn't have his seat belt on and nonchalantly puts it on before the cop walks up.
"Do you know why I pulled you over" the cop asks.
"No officer" the man replies.
"You were driving without a seat belt."
"You must be mistaken officer, I had my seat belt on, see!"
They go back and forth about whether the seat belt was on for a few minutes, getting gradually more heated.
The cop then leans down and says to the woman "Was this man driving without his seat belt?" The woman replies "Officer, after forty years of marriage to this man, I have learned one thing. Never argue with him when he's drunk!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The more you read, the better it gets.
A man was driving down the road when a police officer pulls him over. "Congratulations," says the police man. "You've won $500 in a safety contest for wearing your seat belt. What are you going to do with the money?"
The driver says, "Oh, I'm probably going to go to the driver's academy and get my license."
The woman in the passenger seat says, "Oh, don't mind him. He's s**... when he's drunk."
This wakes up the person sitting in the backseat, who says "Oh darn, I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
Then a voice from the trunk says in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
Literal Penguins
A man was driving down the road with three penguins in the back seat of his car. He's pulled over by police officer.
"Can I see your license and regi...what are you doing with three penguins in your car? You can't have these penguins! Go take them to the zoo right now, get out of here..."
The man drives off to the zoo. The next day the man is driving down the same road with the same three penguins in the back of his car. The penguins are all wearing sunglasses, have towels, and sunscreen on their beaks. The same cop see's him again and pulls him over.
"You again, and still with the penguins! I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?!?!"
The man replied, "I did take them to the zoo. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
Sentry
A new soldier was posted guard at the gate to the American Base in Afghanistan. His orders were clear: All vehicles had to stop to show ID unless it had a special placard on the dashboard inside the windshield.
A black SUV came up with a general seated in the back. The car did not immediately stop, intending to drive through the gate area.
The sentry yelled at the drive to stop, almost getting run over as he jumped in front of the car.
The driver, a corporal, said, "I've got General Wheeler in the back."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. Since you don't have a sign on your dashboard, I have to see some ID."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without showing ID."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
On a limo driver's first day at work...
He was commisioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.
"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."
The Pope took the wheel with the limo driver sitting in the back seat. He drove like an expert, taking sharp turns easily. The Pope, not wanting to be late for his flight, didn't realize how fast he was going. Soon the red and blue lights flashed behind him.
"It will be okay, son." The Pope reassured the limo driver, who was nervous about getting fired.
The police officer walked up to the driver's side. The Pope lowered the window, to the officer's surprise.
"Uh, do you know how fast you were going, your Holiness?"
"I didn't mean to, sir. It won't happen again."
The officer let the him off with a warning. He then called into dispatch.
"Any problems, officer?"
"No, ma'am...just stopped a really important person."
"How important?"
"Im not sure, but his driver was the Pope!"
A man is driving through the desert with a penguin in the passenger seat
His gas light comes on and he pulls off at the next fuel station to fill up. He walks inside and the clerk looks at him, then the car with the penguin sitting inside and says
"It's entirely too hot out here for a penguin! You need to take that thing to the zoo right away!"
The man nods his head in agreement and replies "Yeah, that's probably a good idea."
A week passes and the man pulls into the same fuel station with the penguin sitting comfortably in the passenger seat again.
The man walks inside and the clerk angrily says "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!" The man looks at the clerk and calmly replies "Yeah I did! We had a wonderful time!"
Five old ladies in a car . . .
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Driving on the highway
Ed was driving on the highway when a cop pulled him over and informed him that he'd won a $1000 safe driving award.
"So what are you going to spend the money on?" asked the cop
"I guess I'll use it to get that drivers' license." smiled Ed.
"Take no notice, officer," said Jenny in the passenger seat. "He's a real smartass when he's drunk and s**...."
Just then Ray in the back seat hissed: "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
As the cop took all this in, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said: "Are we over the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police and Old Women
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles per hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
**(I dont make this joke. One of my best friend made this)**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys on a summer road trip…
As they were driving down a long desolate highway, their vehicle being to sputter along and finally died. Unable to start it up, the three guys decided it was a good idea to make the long trek to the nearest city. o**... said, Lets each take one thing with us to help us on this long walk. All agreed and begin searching.
The first guy picked the cooler they brought, If we get thirsty, we have something to drink! The other two replied, Great idea!
The second guy looked around, I know what I will take! I will take the car seat, so if we ever get tired we can take a load off. Great idea! the others said.
Third guy, looking and looking, could not figure out what he wanted to take. Finally he gets an idea. I'm going to take the car door The other two, giving him a funny look.
Well if it gets hot, we can roll down the window!
The president was being driven to an important meeting that he was running late for...
When he tells his chauffeur that he needs to go faster to get to the meeting on time. The chauffeur says that he's sorry, but can't go over the speed limit. The president can't miss this meeting so he decides to order the chauffeur into the back seat, while hopping behind the wheel to drive himself. Speeding at about ten miles over the limit, he gets pulled over pretty quickly. The young deputy walks over to the car to give the ticket, and without a word comes back to the squad car, his face ghost white. "I'm sorry sir," he tells his superior officer, who's sitting in the passengers seat, "But I can't give the ticket to him. He's much too important." "What?!" he bellows. "I'm the chief of police 'round here!" Who could be so important that we can't give a ticket to him?!" "I don't know sir," the deputy replied, "But the president is his chauffeur!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You Passionate
Guy I work with tells this story of working on the road, being hard up, and deciding to pick up this h**.... Of course she is not the classiest of broads and a little strung out. She gets in the car and they talk about going back to the motel room to party, but she wants to stop at the liquor store first. "Oh yeah, baby, no problem."
So they're driving down the road getting frisky and talking dirty and this girl is a freak. Squirming all around in her seat and rubbing her hands all up and down his leg and across his junk. She is n**.... She says, "Sugar, you passionate."
"Oh yeah! I'm passionate, alright. I am gonna do you so good, you're gonna have to pay me."
"No sugar! You passionate! You pash'n the liquor sto!"
So a while back the Pope went on a visit...
to a city. He was trying to get across town without attracting too much attention, so instead of the Popemobile, he was driving in a heavily armored SUV with very tinted windows.
So the chauffeur is driving the Pope around, and the Pope gets to wondering. "Man," he thinks, "I haven't driven in ages, not since I was a bishop." He promptly orders the chauffeur to pull over and get in the back seat. The Pope gets in front, slams his foot down on the gas, and barrels down Main Street.
The Pope is a terrible driver, and extremely out of practice. He crashes into street lights, fire hydrants, small children, everything. Eventually a police car comes, sirens blaring, and the Pope pulls over.
The cop gets out of his car and taps on the window, and the Pope rolls the window down. The cop and the Pope stare at each other for a while, and then the cop nods and walks back to his squad car. The Pope drives off.
A nearby witness, who has seen the whole thing, runs over to the cop.
"Officer!" he asks, "Why didn't you arrest that man, or at least give him a ticket?"
The cop shakes his head and says: "He's too important to arrest."
The man says: "Who could be so important that they could get away with *that*?"
The cop replies: "I don't know, but he's got the Pope as his driver."
AZ Hitchhiker
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade....'
A yuppie is driving through the country and sees a pig on the side of the road...
...but there aren't any farms nearby. So, he picks it up and puts it in the passenger seat and drives off looking for the nearest person to whom it may have belonged. After a few miles he drives by a farm, stops, and asks the farmer if it's his pig.
"Nope, ain't mine, and no farmers around here own no pigs."
"Do you want him?"
"Nope." The farmer replies.
"Well, what should I do with him?" The yuppie asks.
"I guess you oughta just take him to the zoo."
So the yuppie leaves with the pig. The next day the farmer sees the same yuppie in the same car with the same pig. Only now the pig is wearing a baseball cap. Perplexed, the farmer waves his arm for the yuppie to stop. "What are you doing with that pig? I thought you were gonna take him to the zoo!"
"I did! We had so much fun now I'm taking him to the ballgame!"
Speeding Drivers
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
A hearty laugh after a long time.
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
Jacques and Pierre
Jacques was driving much too fast on the highway with Pierre in the passenger seat. Jacques looked down for a second to change the radio station and hit a pothole. The car was sent hurtling towards the roadside trees, and crashed into a particular large one. Both Jacques and Pierre were ejected from the car.
Jacques came to surrounded by emergency responders, the first thing he asked was, "Where is Pierre?" The responders didn't know because they did not know another person was in the vehicle.
"You must go look for him!" exclaimed Jacques, concerned for his friend. So as Jacques was being treated on scene, a few responders went into the woods to search. A minute or two later, one of them walked out looking grim, and holding a decapitated head in his hands.
He goes up to Jacques and says, "I'm sorry to have to do this sir, but is this your friend Pierre?"
Jacques shook his head, saying "Can't be. Pierre is much taller than that!"
A police officer is patrolling the highway...
He sees a speeding car on I95. He pulls the car over and is surprised to see a nun at the wheel. He asks her if she knows why he pulled her over. She says that she had no idea. The officer said she was driving almost 100 mph. She said " No I was driving 95 just like the sign says" He looks in the back seat and sees two more nuns holding each-other and shaking. He says that they don't have to worry, he is just going to issue a warning because of the clear misunderstanding. They respond, "We are not worried about the fine, we just got off of highway 128."
Two old ladies are in a car...
They're driving down the street when suddenly they pass a red light.
Dorothy, who's sitting in the passenger's seat thinks to herself, 'oh well, Matilda is getting pretty old and her vision isn't what it used to be. She probably didn't see that red light, happens to everyone."
They drive a little bit more and pass another red light. Dorothy is thinking to herself, "alright two red lights is no coincidence.. maybe I should say something.. well better not, Matilda always gets anxious when I comment on her driving"
So they continue on driving when they go through a third red light. This time Dorothy speaks up and says, "Matilda! what's going on?! that's the third red light you've gone through!!" and Matilda answers:
"Oh, am I driving?"
Old couples
An old man and his wife were driving through town, with the wife chattering away. Arriving downtown, the man had to navigate several turns to get to his destination. Suddenly he noticed flashing lights in his mirror and pulled over. The officer approached the car and asked, "Mister, didn't you notice that your wife fell out of the car when you went around that turn back there?"
The man looked over at the passenger seat and saw that it was indeed empty and that the door was ajar. Turning back to the cop he said, "Thank goodness, I thought that I'd gone deaf!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer pulls over a car
A police officer follows a car for many miles, and surprisingly for him, the driving is just perfect. The driver obeys all traffic signs, blinks when necessary, does not speed. The police officer is surprised and pulls over the car. In the car there is a family - a guy driving, his wife in the passenger seat and his mother-in-law sleeping in the back seat.
The guy rolls down the window "Is there a problem officer?"
"Hello, Sir. I see that your driving is perfect and pulled you over to thank you. May I inform you that you won this months $ 5000 safest driver award. Here is the check. What do you want to do with this money?"
The guy: "Wow thanks man, I am going to buy me a driving license"
Guys wife: "Don't listen to him officer, he always acts s**... when he's drunk and s**..."
The mother-in-law wakes up and sees the police officer "Jack, I told you we wouldn't get far in a stolen car"
Suddenly, the trunk pops and the father-in-law appears "Are we over the border yet?"
A taxi/cab driver picks up a drunken girl
A taxi/cab driver is driving down the street in the early hours and spots a drunken girl alone struggling to walk,
He pulls over and says "do you need a taxi love to get you home"
She says "yes" and gets into the rear seats.
The driver makes eye contact with her in the rear view mirror and asks where she's going and sets off
She says "thanks for helping me, the address is blah blah blah but I have no money to pay you"
Then she hitches up her short skirt exposing her lady parts and says "but I do have this"
The driver sighs and says
"Have you not got anything smaller".
An elderly man was driving along the highway and was pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman told him that several miles back, the passenger door had opened and the man's wife had fallen out of the car. The man looks over to the passenger seat and says, "Well thank God -- I thought I'd gone deaf!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First day as SOLDIER!
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear.
>**"No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield"**
A big army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur says, "General William."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. *Do i shoot you or the driver?*"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Beer-o-derm
One day, two r**... named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock.
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir." said Earl. "We're on the patch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who's driving?
A black guy and a Puerto Rican are in the back seat of a car. So who's driving? No one! They're both research scientists gathering data on the performance of Google driverless car. You racist.
so this guy is speeding down a highway, and a cop appears behind him and pulls him over.
the cop comes up to the man and says, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm just trying to get to my next show. I apologize."
the cop looks intrigued, and says "if you can prove to me you're a juggler, I'll let you go with a warning."
the man says, "officer, I don't have my equipment with me, I had to ship it seperately." the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back some flares from his car and lights them.
the juggler immediately starts throwing them up and catching them, and the officer is very impressed.
meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out and immediately walks into the back seat of the police car and closes the door. the officer comes back and says "why did you get into my car?"
the man replies, his words slurred, "i ain't never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there"
The circle
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
2 old ladies are in a car...
When a state trooper spots them on the highway. He notices that they are going very very slowly in the passing lane, and decides to pull them over because going too slowly can be just as dangerous as going to fast!
When he approaches the car, he notices that the old lady in the passenger's seat is visibly shaken.
The trooper asks "Ma'am, why are you going so slowly on the highway in the left-hand lane? This is the passing lane and your slow speed is endangering other drivers."
The old lady driving gives the trooper a look of bewilderment and says "but officer, the speed limit is very clearly 31 miles per hour, it says so on the sign just over there!"
"No ma'am, that is the highway number. The speed limit is actually 70 miles per hour. You should think about speeding it up to get your sick friend to the hospital!"
The shaken old lady replies "I am not sick, but we did just get off Highway 155"
Another penguin joke
A police officer pulls over a car and notices the back seat is full of penguins. "You can't drive around town with penguins in your car. You've gotta take those penguins to the zoo," says the cop. "As a matter of fact officer, I'm driving to the zoo now," he replies. The cop waves him through. The next day the same police officer pulls him over. And again, the penguins are waddling around in the back seat. "I thought I told you to take them penguins to the zoo!" the cop says. "I did, today we're going to the beach!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Translated Brazilian Joke - A broken car in the desert
** In Brazil it is common making jokes about our colonizers, the Portuguese. I hope they do the same about us in Portugal, so... **
A Portuguese, a Brazilian and an Argentinian are driving through the desert when their car suddenly breaks.
João, the Brazilian suggests each one takes a piece of the car to help their journey walking back to the town.
Santiago, the Argentinian says: - I'll take the seat, so if I'm tired I can sit on it and rest.
João, the Brazilian says: - I'll take the radiator, so if I'm thirsty I can drink the water.
And Manuel, the Portuguese says: - Well, I'll take the door.
And both João and Santiago question Manuel: - The door?
Manuel says: - Yes, the door!!! So if it's too warm I can open the window.
:)
Married farmer driving home on horses
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.
The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."
A truck driver stops at a gas station with a penguin in the passenger seat.
The owner from the gas station asks where the penguin comes from.
"I found him on the highway, what should I do?", the driver replies.
- "You have to take him to the zoo!"
The truck driver nods and drives away.
3 days later the truck driver came to the gas station again. Surprised, the owner asks him:
"I thought you were going to take him to the zoo?"
- "I did, and tonight we're going to the movies!"
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and
informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
Just say "thank you" and drive away
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A Navajo woman asked me about a box of chocolates...
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
One night a fellow drove his secretary home...
... after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats wrong with four black people in a Cadillac driving off a cliff?
The Cadillac seats five.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
POLICE ROADBLOCK
Two r**..., Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border
At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.
"What do you have in this sack?"
"Sand."
"Well let me check."
The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.
The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.
"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"
And the man replied.
"Bicycles."
5 minutes
A cop drives up Lovers' Lane and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting, and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother and her young daughter are going home by taxi at night...
after some time they're passing by the red-light district and the young girl discovers some prostitutes on the street. She asks her mother: "Mom, what are they doing?"
The mother replies: "They're just guarding the parked cars."
The taxi driver intervenes: "Don't let your mother b**... you - they're w**...!"
The mother turns red and sinks down in the back seat annoyed and disappointed by the driver.
A few moments later the little girl asks: "Mom can w**... get children too?"
The mother starts smiling spitefully and looks the driver in the eyes through the driving mirror... "Sure, where else do you think all the taxi drivers come from?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was driving with my three young children
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark n**...! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Dad, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
Drunk in a Taxi
So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."
As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"
The driver replies, "Sure!"
The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"
An officer pulls over a car full of nuns...
A police officer saw a car full of nuns going much too slow for the highway they were on. He pulled them over and went up to the driver. "Why are you going so slow?" The nun that was driving then replied "That sign right there says 20." The police officer looked at the sign. "That's the highway number that you are on." "Oh, sorry officer." The police officer looked in the back seat to see three nuns that looked like they were terrified. "What's wrong with them?" the officer asked. The nun that was driving looked back at them. "We just got off of highway 190."
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
Paternal Payback
On the day I received my learner's permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver's seat. Why aren't you sitting up front on the passenger's side? I asked.
Kirsten, I've been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl, Dad replied. Now it's my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband was driving a car with his wife in the passenger seat
Resulting from road rage, a nearby car driver shouted at the husband, "You're a s**... idiot"
The wife then replied, "Do you know this person?"
The husband said, "No, why?"
The wife said, "Because he seems to know so much about you."
These manager's joke
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
A car
A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".
All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?" A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"
Speeder
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a seat belt.
A guy and his panda
A guy is driving his pick-up truck through a small town, and he's got a panda in the front seat with him. The guy spots a police officer, pulls over, and tells the officer he found a panda just walking along the road. Now the guy is wondering what to do with the panda. The police officer says, "Well, take it to the zoo, I guess."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the panda again in the front seat. Both are wearing baseball caps. The policeman pulls him over and says, "I thought you were going to take that panda to the zoo?" The man replied, "I did...and we had such a good time at the zoo that I took him to a baseball game."
[Long]
A man gets off the plane
in a country he has never been before. He steps out the airport and hails a cab.
Once he's in and tells the address, the cabbie starts driving like a lunatic. The man starts grabbing his seat while the cabbie does dangerous movements.
When they come across a red light, and the cabbie doesn't stop, the man gathers up his courage to say "At least stop at the red light" in a soft voice.
Cabbie responds "manly drivers do not stop at red lights"
A little while later there is a green light at an intersection and the cab stops. Surprised the man asks "What kinda lunatic are you to drive past red lights and stop at green?"
Cabbie says "there are other manly drivers too"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..
Grandma's f**... herself again
A Mother and Father are driving down a street with their son in the back seat, when they are suddenly rear ended.
The dad turns to the son "Son, how old are you?" "10" shouts the son. To which the dad replies "Well it looks like the first accident I've had in 10 years"
A driver is stopped by the police...
The officer says:
-Congratulations! You are the 100th person who has remembered to use a seatbelt today, and therefore you have won $1000. What will you spend the money on?
Driver:
-Well, a driving license I think?
The passenger sitting next to him hurries to say:
-You should not listen to him, he's drunk!
A sound is heard from the back seat:
-I knew stealing a car was a bad idea.
At the same time, a foreign accent is heard from the trunk:
-Have we passed the border yet?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a drive in the country
A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. What's the matter? asks the guy. She replies, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a p**..., and I charge $100 for s**.... The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have s**.... After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver's seat looking out the window. Why aren't we going anywhere? asks the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, replies the man, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50
The Man and his pet.
A man is driving down the road and a police man patrolling notices something strange and stops him. He noticed a penguin sitting in the passenger seat.
Police man: "Excuse me sir, I think you should take your friend there to the zoo."
Man: "Of course sir!"
The mans drives off.
The next day, the police man is patrolling the same road and sees the man again, noticing the penguin still in the passenger seat, he stops the car once again.
Police man: "Excuse me sir, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo."
Man: "I did, he really enjoyed it, we're going to the beach today!"
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.