Driving License Jokes
88 driving license jokes and hilarious driving license puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about driving license that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Driving License Short Jokes
Short driving license jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The driving license humour may include short drivers license jokes also.
- LPT: NEVER hang your drivers license from your rearview mirror! You risk being pulled over for driving with a suspended license.
- If you lose your license take all the shock absorbers off your car. Then you won't be driving on a suspension.
- Driving License Judge: Why did you steal the car?
Man: I had to get to work.
Judge: Why didn't you take the bus?
Man: I don't have a driver's license for the bus. - This DLC is getting out of hand... The DVLA want me to pay £60 to add three points to my driving license, because I beat my high score!
- German guy is driving through France He got stopped by a police officer.
Officer: License and registration please
Driver: Here you go officer
Officer: Occupation?
Driver: Nah, just holidays... - "Are you two twins?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes."
"OK that's enough, your driver's license please." - My children drive me to drinking... As soon as they got their licenses I made them start bringing me to the bar.
- Order real register Passport , Visa, Driving License, ID CARDS, marriage certificates, diplomas etc
- Chuck Norris doesn't need a License to drive a car...
The car needs a special license to be driven by Chuck Norris.
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Driving License One Liners
Which driving license one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with driving license? I can suggest the ones about drivers licence and driving test.
- The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be... 'AFKBRB'
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- If I had a dui for every time I drank and drive My license would still be revoked
- Two African-American men are in a car. Who's driving? The one with a driver's license.
- What is a Dutchman who lost his driving license? Homeless.
- TIL: h**... never had a driving license No wonder he couldn't end a race
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Driving License Jokes
What funny jokes about driving license you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean driving lesson jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make driving license pranks.
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment.
The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst s**... experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."
A guy goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy who's obviously been drinking for a while.
The drunk gets up from his stool to go to the bathroom and falls down 3 times.
The guy says to himself "I'll help this guy get home safely" and helps him out to his car
The guy falls down five more times.
He drives him up to the address on his license, takes him up to the door.
The guy falls down 8 times on the way...and rings the bell.
A lady answers the door and says "Oh how nice, you brought home Harry. But what did you do with his wheelchair?"
What Not to Say to a Policeman:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
The question is do YOU know why you pulled me over?
I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.
It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store.
He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him.
But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help.
She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, “Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”
“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”
“No,” she said, “I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Andrew went to Medical Insurance to apply for his pension.
The woman behind the bench asked for his driving license to verify his age, but he had left his wallet home.
He said to her that he had to go home and return later.
The woman said: "Unbuckle your shirt."
And so he did, revealing his curly, gray hair of his chest.
"These gray hair is quite a nice proof for me," she said and continued with his application form.
When Andrew went home, he said to his wife what had happened.
"You should have taken your pants off," she said, "Maybe you would have taken disability pension too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Yankee boys were driving through the South and was stopped by a State Trooper.
The trooper walked up to the open driver’s window, reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head.
"What did you do that for?" the driver asked.
"I don’t know how yall do it up north but here in Alabama, you have your drivers license ready when I walk up to the car."
The trooper took the license when it was offered, walked back to his unit and then returned the license to the driver.
He then walked around to the passenger side of the car and tapped on the window.
When the passenger rolled the window down, the trooper reached in and slapped the passenger on the side of the head.
"What did you do that for?" asked the startled passenger.
"Well," responded the trooper, "I didn’t want you to be disappointed. You’ll get about two miles down the road and then say, 'I wish that r**... woulda tried that with me!'"
A police officer stopped a driver for speeding.
"Can I see your driving license?"
"I don’t have it, I had it removed because of point system."
"Can I see your license for the vehicle?"
"But it is not my car, I stole it."
"Stole it?"
"Right, let me think, I think I saw the permition before in the glove box when I put my gun in there."
"There is a gun in the car?"
"Yes sir, I put it right there, when I shot and killed the woman driving this car and then put the body back to the trunk."
"There is a corpse in a car?"
"Right, sir."
After all these he calls the police chief.
And soon the car gets surrounded by police.
The captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
"Sir, can I see your qualification?"
"Of course, ultimately, there it is."
"In fact, it’s OK, and to whom does the car belong to?"
"It is mine, there is my license as well."
"uld you open the glove box, is there a gun inside?"
"Of course, take a look, there is nothing."
"Do you mind opening the trunk too? They told me that you put a body in there."
"No problem, take a look."
"Empty too! But I do not understand, the officer who stopped you told us that you said that you did not have a driving license, that you stole the car, that you had a gun in the glove box and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
"Oh right! I bet he told you that I was running and speeding!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You might be a r**... if a police officer pulls you over to ask for your driver's license and your address is the county jail.
The old women in the car
One day a cop is sitting on the side of a Highway with his radar gun. As he sits there people are passing by going the speed limit, and after a while a car drives by going very slow. So, he puts his gun up and they are going 25. He flips on his lights and goes up and pulls them over.
When he got out of his car, as he approached the car he see's 3 old ladies in the back, and two in the front. When he gets to the car, and asks for license and registration, he asks the little old lady if she knows how fast she was going. "Why, yes officer, I was going 25, maybe 26. I'm sorry, but that's what the sign said." The whole time shes talking the 3 in the back are looking scared to death. So, he says "Ma'am that is the highway sign. Is there something wrong with the ladies in the back?" "No, officer, we just got of highway 125, that's all."
So this blonde cop pulls over this lady...
So one day this blonde chick is driving down the interstate when a cop pulls her over. The man walks towards the driver door, as the blonde girl rolls down the window. She says, "Hello officer, what can I help you with today?" The cop looks at her and says, "Ma'am I'm going to need to see your driver's license." The woman looks at him and says, "What is a driver's license?" He says, "It's the little rectangle thing that has your picture on it." So she looks around the car in a hurried rush, searching and searching. Until finally, she found a mirror in her purse. She then hands him the mirror. The cop looks shocked and says to her, "I'm so sorry ma'am but if I would've known you were a cop I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......
.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mom is driving her 6 year old daughter to her friend's house when...
the daughter asks "Mom, how old are you?
The mother replies "That's not a polite question to ask a lady, dear."
Undaunted, the daughter asks "Okay, but how much do you weight?"
Again the mother replies "Honey, that's a very impolite question!"
Persistently, the daughter asks "Okay mom, one last question. Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is a very rude questions!" Says the mom, exacerbated, "That's enough from you, young lady!"
Later, the daughter tells her friend about the conversation she had with her mom and the friend has a suggestion:
"Take a look at her driver's license," says the friend, "It's like a report card for adults. It has all that stuff on it!"
Later that night, the daughter says to her mom "I know how old you are. You are 34! And you weigh 140 pounds!"
"How in the world did you know that?" The mother says, shocked.
"I also know why daddy divorced you!" says the daughter, triumphantly.
"And why's that?!" says the mother.
"You got an F in s**..."
Heard this one from one if my favorite comedians...
I'll leave out the little bit of backstory.
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law are in a car driving down a highway near Miami.
A cop, who has been following him for quite some time, pulls him over to the side of the road.
The cop walks up to him and says "I've been watching you drive for the past couple of miles here, and you've shown excellent driving skills. You see, every month we have a $500 reward for the best driver. Today's your lucky day!"
So, as promised, the cop brings the man $500, and asks "So what are you going to do with all the money you won?"
To which the man replies "I'll probably use it to get my license."
The wife quickly intervenes, saying "Don't listen to him! He always talks crazy when he's drunk!"
The mother-in-law then says "I told you we'd get in trouble in a stolen car."
The Old Driver
A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair.
"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"
"Yes" he replied," I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore, the last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him."
He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket".
"You won't be needing this anymore", he said.
"So I thanked him and left."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The more you read, the better it gets.
A man was driving down the road when a police officer pulls him over. "Congratulations," says the police man. "You've won $500 in a safety contest for wearing your seat belt. What are you going to do with the money?"
The driver says, "Oh, I'm probably going to go to the driver's academy and get my license."
The woman in the passenger seat says, "Oh, don't mind him. He's s**... when he's drunk."
This wakes up the person sitting in the backseat, who says "Oh darn, I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
Then a voice from the trunk says in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driving her car. The blonde cop says "You were going pretty fast back there. Can I see your license?"
The blonde driver looks confused.
The blonde cop says "Its a little square thing with your picture on it"
The blonde driver reaches in her bag and hands the cop her makeup mirror.
The cop takes the mirror, looks at it and exclaims "Well why didn't you tell me you were a cop? On you go. Have a great day".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old Lady in a nursing home...
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.
He's stark n**... and has an e**....
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again!
Literal Penguins
A man was driving down the road with three penguins in the back seat of his car. He's pulled over by police officer.
"Can I see your license and regi...what are you doing with three penguins in your car? You can't have these penguins! Go take them to the zoo right now, get out of here..."
The man drives off to the zoo. The next day the man is driving down the same road with the same three penguins in the back of his car. The penguins are all wearing sunglasses, have towels, and sunscreen on their beaks. The same cop see's him again and pulls him over.
"You again, and still with the penguins! I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?!?!"
The man replied, "I did take them to the zoo. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
The Cask of Amor-illado.
A man and woman are involved in a severe car accident. Although the cars are totaled, they both crawl out of the wreckage, each without a scratch. The man immediately starts swearing. Women are the worst drivers on earth! They shouldn't be given driver's licenses!
The woman sighs and points to the wreckage. Look at our cars. Completely destroyed, yet we are unhurt...it must be a sign from God. He's telling us the sexes should be compatible, and live in peace together.
Swayed by this profound sentiment, the man pauses and replies, "Maybe you're right...it could be a sign from God. Then he shakes his head. You're still at fault in this accident! Women shouldn't be allowed to drive!
The woman smiles evenly and says, But look here--another miracle. Although my car was completely destroyed, this bottle of red wine escaped, uninjured. Surely God wants us to drink this wine together, to celebrate our good fortune.
With a generous nod, she hands the bottle to the man. The man shrugs, accepts the wine and drains half of it immediately--in one long, glorious draught. With a dramatic flourish, he passes the bottle back to his new spiritual companion. The woman puts the cap back on and drops it in her handbag, zipping it tightly.
The man glances at her. Aren't you having any?
No…think I'll just wait for the police...
A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over...
A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over by a police officer.
As the officer approaches the car, the drunk man jumps out of the door and tries to make a run for it. The cop, furious, catches up to the drunk man and brings him back to his car.
The officer proceeds to reach into his pocket and pull out a piece of chalk, which he uses to draw a circle on the ground around the vehicle and its intoxicated owner.
After the cop obtains the drunk man's license and registration, he informs the man that he will be arrested if he takes a single step out of the chalk circle.
The cop returns to his car, when he hears the drunk man giggling in the background. He returns and tells the drunk, "If you continue laughing, I'll break your car. Shut up and keep quiet."
Not ten seconds later he hears the drunk man snickering once again. The cop takes out his club and shatters the windshield of the Lamborghini. The drunk man's laughter grew even louder.
The cop yells, "stop laughing!" as he takes out his rage on the Lamborghini even further, breaking all of its windows and batting away at the car's exterior.
The drunk's laughter increases into an uncontrollable fit, as he is practically rolling on the ground beside his mutilated Lamborghini.
At last, the cop furiously asks, "Why do you keep laughing!!?"
The drunk man stands up and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Driving on the highway
Ed was driving on the highway when a cop pulled him over and informed him that he'd won a $1000 safe driving award.
"So what are you going to spend the money on?" asked the cop
"I guess I'll use it to get that drivers' license." smiled Ed.
"Take no notice, officer," said Jenny in the passenger seat. "He's a real smartass when he's drunk and s**...."
Just then Ray in the back seat hissed: "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
As the cop took all this in, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said: "Are we over the border yet?"
Double dose (Blonde joke)
So, a blonde woman is driving down the road, speeding, when a cop pulls her over. Hoping she can get out of a ticket, she waits until a blonde police officer shows up at her door.
"Can I see your driver's license and registration?" the blonde policewoman asks.
"Which one's the driver's license?" the blonde civilian asks.
"It's a small rectangular thing with a photo of you on it..." the officer replies. The driver pulls out her pocket mirror and hands it over. "Oh, my mistake!" the officer said, looking at it. "If I knew you were a police officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Senior Driver
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore !! "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and
left!"
GTA
While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him.
"Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!"
"OH NO! Did you try to stop him?"
"No, but dont worry. I got the license plate number!"
A hearty laugh after a long time.
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer pulls over a car
A police officer follows a car for many miles, and surprisingly for him, the driving is just perfect. The driver obeys all traffic signs, blinks when necessary, does not speed. The police officer is surprised and pulls over the car. In the car there is a family - a guy driving, his wife in the passenger seat and his mother-in-law sleeping in the back seat.
The guy rolls down the window "Is there a problem officer?"
"Hello, Sir. I see that your driving is perfect and pulled you over to thank you. May I inform you that you won this months $ 5000 safest driver award. Here is the check. What do you want to do with this money?"
The guy: "Wow thanks man, I am going to buy me a driving license"
Guys wife: "Don't listen to him officer, he always acts s**... when he's drunk and s**..."
The mother-in-law wakes up and sees the police officer "Jack, I told you we wouldn't get far in a stolen car"
Suddenly, the trunk pops and the father-in-law appears "Are we over the border yet?"
I only have this...
A guy is driving a new Corvette at 100 mph on a school zone, when suddenly he crashes against an old lady. He gets out of the car and sees the woman is dead.
The police arrives, and the policeman questions the guy:
"I need to see your license"
"I-I don't have one, sir"
"What about your registration?"
"I-I don't have any of that, sir"
"Sorry, kid. You're going to jail"
"W-well... I only have this..." and hands him a check for $10,000
The policeman says "...Ok". Then, cries out to the bystanders, "Does anybody know the name and address of this mad, suicidal old hag?!"
The Indian Driver
An Indian guy was driving with his family, when he noticed that a cop car was following him. After a couple seconds, he pulled over, and one of the cops came out to his window. He rolled it down and asked, "Is there a problem, officer?"
The cop said, "No, no problem at all, sir. We have been observing you for your entire right. You've stuck to the speed limit, followed traffic rules and were respectful to other drivers. It's Road Safety week so you've been selected as the Best Driver today. So allow me to present to you this $1000 cheque as a token of our appreciation."
The Indian was so pleased. "Great! Now I finally have money for a driver's license."
The officer did a double take. Immediately, the Indian's wife said, "Oh, don't mind him, officer, he blabbers when he's drunk."
This prompted the driver's old mom to mutter, "See, this is why you shouldn't pull over when you're driving a stolen car."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked "What did he say?" The old man yelled "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?" The old man yelled "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.
The patrolman said "I see you are from Texas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen".
The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?" The old man yelled "He thinks he knows you!"
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and
informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly couple gets pulled over by a cop.
The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem. The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone.
The wife turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?"
The husband replies "He says you were speeding!"
The wife turns back to the officer and says "Oh, sorry officer."
The officer goes on; "License and registration please."
The wife again turns to her husband. "What'd he say!?"
The husband, growing irritated, says "He wants to see your LICENSE." The wife replies, "Oh, sorry officer. Here you go."
The officer inspects her license and comments, "Ah, you're from Brownsville. I'll never forget that city... I had the worst s**... experience of my entire life in Brownsville!"
The wife once more turns to her right and yells "What'd he say!!?"
The husband replies "He says he knows you."
Just say "thank you" and drive away
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Life hack for driving
Always get your driver's license picture taken when your s**.... That way, the police will think you always look that way.
Two Ditzy blondes...
A ditzy blonde is driving 80 mph down the highway, 20 miles over the speed limit. A ditzy blonde police officer pulls her over. The police officer asks to see her license, but the ditzy blonde driver has no idea what a license is. The officer tells her it is an identification card with her picture on it. The driver rummages in her purse and pulls out her makeup mirror, opens it up, sees herself in the mirror, and hands it to the police officer.
The police officer looks at the mirror and says, "Oh! You should have told me you were a police officer as well!"
A police officer stops a driver...
A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"
A drunk guy calls a radio station...
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old married couple were driving through Arizona
They were traveling from Texas to California when an Arizona highway patrolman pulled them over.
"Afternoon sir, license and registration please."
"WHAT'D HE SAY?!", screams the old lady.
"HE NEEDS MY LICENSE!", replies the old man.
The patrolman chuckles and says, "I'll be right back."
"WHAT'D HE SAY?!"
"HE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!"
After a moment, the patrolman returns- "I see you're from Texas. I used to date this obnoxious nag out there till she went batshit crazy!"
"WHAT'D HE SAY?!", screams the old lady.
"HE SAID HE KNOWS YA!!", replies the grinning old man.
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today i realised why my Dad divorced my mom
I saw her driving license. she has an F in s**...
A blonde is driving down the street...
Suddenly she is stopped by a police car. A police officer gets out of the car and walks up to her car and says: "Ma'am I'm gonna need to see your papers and your drivers license."
The blonde hands him her papers but looks at the police officer confused and asks: "Aren't my papers and my drivers license the same thing?"
"No Ma'am, your drivers license is like a small flat thing with a picture of you on it.
The blonde is searching her back when she suddenly yells:" Found it!" and hands the police officer a mirror.
The police officer replies:" Oh, I'm sorry. If i would have known you worked for the police too i would't have stopped you!"
A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist...
A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is a sign in my town that reads "DRIVE slow AUTISTIC CHILD"
First of all, he has a name.
Secondly, if he has his license he should know good and well how to drive and there is no need to single him out like that.
Another blonde joke...
A blonde was speeding on a highway when a policeman pulled her over.
The policeman walks up to the blonde and say "excuse me ma'am can I see your driving license and registration."
The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away and then today you expect me to show it to you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a blind lady driving the other day
Still can't believe they actually gave a license to a woman
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the guy whose license said he needed to wear glasses while driving?
He was pulled over by a cop one day and the cop tells him that he's going to jail for driving without his glasses.
"But officer I have contacts!"
"I don't care who you know buddy you're still going to jail!"
A driver is stopped by the police...
The officer says:
-Congratulations! You are the 100th person who has remembered to use a seatbelt today, and therefore you have won $1000. What will you spend the money on?
Driver:
-Well, a driving license I think?
The passenger sitting next to him hurries to say:
-You should not listen to him, he's drunk!
A sound is heard from the back seat:
-I knew stealing a car was a bad idea.
At the same time, a foreign accent is heard from the trunk:
-Have we passed the border yet?
A police officer stops a car and says:
- "Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge - you win $10,000!"
- "What will you do with that money?"
The driver gets very emotional and says,
- "First of all, I'll finally make my drivers license!"
The wife cuts in,
- "Don't listen to him, officer, he's still drunk!"
A-hard-of-hearing granny from the backseat grumbles,
- "I knew we shouldn't have taken the stolen car!"
A voice from the trunk adds,
- "Hey, are we past the border yet?"
A man is pulled over by a cop...
The cop approaches the car and says, "Sir, step out of the vehicle. You are under arrest. Not only were you speeding well above the limit, but you were driving straight down the middle of the road!"
The man protests, "But officer, I'm allowed to do that! It says so on my driver's license!"
The cop doesn't believe the man, and demands to see where it says that he's allowed to drive so recklessly. The man pulls out his license, which is a temporary license printed on paper, and points to the bottom.
"See? It says right here: tear down the dotted line."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 7 year old girl
A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " s**...: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at s**... that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is driving down the road.
When suddenly he sees a red man crying.He asks him "What's wrong with you?" The red man answers:"I'm a homosexual exiled from Mars and i am hungry" The man gives him a sandwitch,hops back in his car and goes further.He then saw a green man crying.He asks him again what's wrong and the green man answers:"I'm a homosexual exiled from Venus and i'm thirsty." the man gives him a bottle of water hops back in his car and goes further.Then he sees a blue man approaching.He tells the blue man:"Yeah yeah i know the drill.You're a homosexual exiled from some planet and what do you want?" the blue man answers "your license please".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy asked his mother how old she is.
"Gentlemen don't ask that.", said his mother.
"Then could you tell me how much you weigh?", asked the boy.
"Gentlemen don't ask that.", said his mother again.
The boy asked another question then, "Why did dad leave you?"
"JUST SHUT UP AND GO!", screamed his mother. The boy left fast enough.
A few days later, the boy found his mother's driving license. He ran to his mother and said, "I know everything now. You are 40 years old and weigh 80 kgs."
His mother, annoyed, said, "Yeah, but thank God you don't know why dad left you."
"That's because you got an F in s**....", the boy answered innocently.
The police officer inspected my drivers license carefully.
"Driver, I see you have a class 3 license that requires you to wear glasses whilst driving. I can't help but notice you are not wearing glasses."
"I've got contacts," I explained.
"I don't care who you know, driver," declared the officer. "You're under arrest."
:-P
Blonde driver
A blonde was driving down the highway. Soon she heard sirens and saw lights behind her, and was pulled over. A cop, also a blonde woman, approached her door.
"You were speeding, miss," she said. "May I see your license?"
The blonde driver rummaged through her purse for a minute before looking up in confusion. "Well, what's it look like?" she asked.
"It's a small square thing with your picture on it," said the cop.
The driver looked again and finally pulled out a small mirror and handed it to the cop. The blonde cop looked at it and handed it back.
"Okay, you can go," she said. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a police officer."
The sharp eye-witness
While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!
Dear God! Did your try to stop him?
No, said the clerk, but don't worry. I got the license plate number!
A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car.
A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car. A police officer, who was also a blonde, asked for the blondes license.
The blonde searches through her purse and gets more frustrated when she finally asks the officer "what does it look like?"
The officer says "it's a rectangle and it has your face on it".
Finally, the blonde takes out a small mirror and says "here you go". The officer looks at it and says "you can go, I didn't realise you were a cop".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde was going for a driving test for her license but was nervous as she'd failed 8 times before. After talking with her blonde friends they came up with a sure-fire plan. She was to pick a man as the driving instructor, and to use s**... as a bargaining tactic in exchange for passing her
She came back disappointed though, she failed.
What happened? her friends asked.
When I was s**... him off, I crashed
Driving in the middle
A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you're going so fast down the middle of the road?
Oh, it's okay, Officer, she replied. I have a special license that allows me to drive like that.
Oh, yeah? Let's see it. The cop looked at the license and then concluded, Ma'am, there's nothing special about this. It's just a temporary license.
Look at the very bottom, though, the woman insisted. See? It says "Tear along the dotted line.'
Cops and Speeders
TW: blonde joke
A blonde was driving on the highway and a motorcycle officer pulled her over for speeding.
The officer approached the drivers door and when her helmet came off, turns it was a blonde female cop. She asked the driver for her license. The driver frantically searched her wallet and then her purse and finally pulled out a small square makeup mirror. She looked at it, saw her face, and handed it to the cop.
The cop looked at the mirror and said gee why didn't you tell me you were a cop? You're free to go!
Joke translated to English from German
A blonde is driving home when she gets pulled over by a police officer.
"Mam, may i see you driving license?!"
"What's a driving license? "
"You know this thing in your purse with your face on..."
She starts digging through her purse, finds her cosmetic mirror, and hands it over to the policeman.
The policeman takes a look at the mirror and responds-
"Should have told me right away your a police officer too "
A cop pulls over a car...
Officer: Good evening, our squad decided to reward the best driver we saw all day, so congratulations you just earned 200 dollars. What will you do with the money?
Driver: Get my drivers license.
Officer: Wait, what?
Wife: He's only driving well because he's drunk.
Officer: W-what?
Son: Dad, are this the people that you call pigs all the time?
Officer: WHAT?
Mother in law: The car isn't even his.
Officer: WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Cousins in the trunk: Are we at the boarder yet?
Officer: WHAT THE FU-
Reality vs LinkedIn
Reality:
I got my driving license
Linkedin:
I am honored and thrilled to announce that I have been selected among the top 5 applicants who participated in professional and the most-respected exam which evaluates the skills and ability to operate fuel-based vehicles. I cannot wait to see what the next chapter holds, and I cannot express my appreciation to the ministry of transportation, Wendy's, Google, NASA, my neighbors who supported me during this difficult journey.
I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.
Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?
"No officer.
Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.
Thanks very much, officer!" I said. "Do you reckon it's worth me getting a license then?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kid Found reason for his mother's divorce with his father
Kid: Mom, I got the reason why dad divorced you!
Mom: Where did you get that?
Kid: From your Driver's license!
Mom: How on earth you can find that from my driving license?
Kid: Because you got "F" in s**... !
A man gets pulled over by the police. When a policeman asks him to show his driving license, he responds "You need to cooperate."
The policeman asks him "What do you mean by "cooperate"?"
The driver replies "Well, last week one of you took my license away, and now you want me to show it!"
Driving Questionnaire
A man had recently moved and was filling out forms at his local police station:
Q: Has your driver's license ever been suspended or revoked?
"No, never."
Q: Have you ever been convicted of a DUI?
"Oh yes, lots of times!"
Q: Have you ever been convicted of a driving-related felony?
"Yeah, three of them."
At this point, the officer stopped to ask: "well wait a minute, if you have all of these DUIs and felonies, how come your license has never been suspended or revoked?"
The man responds: "Never got one."
After almost hitting 2 cars, a man gets pulled over by a police car
The officer asked,"can I see your license, please". After rummaging through his stuff, he passes his license to the officer. "Sir, your license indicates that you must wear glasses to drive".
"Oh," the man said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I didn't see that".