Following is our collection of funny Driving jokes. There are some driving sex drive jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these driving old people driving puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."
Two friars decide to open up a business selling flowers in LA. They settup a booth right outside of Hugh Hefners playboy mansion. After about a week, their business wasnt going so well and it was also driving away people from the playboy mansion seeing two friars outside.
Eventually Hugh Hefner himself came out and put a stop to all of this.
The point of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Badum psh
She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.
"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."
Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"
A man finds a penguin on the road side. Thinking the penguin is lost the man takes it, drives until finding a police officer and asks what to do.
- Take it to the zoo replies the officer.
One week latter the policer officer sees the man driving with the penguin by his side.
What are you doing with that penguin ? I told you to bring him to the zoo.
I did exactly that. He loved it and now we are going to the movies .
when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"
A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."
The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."
I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.
I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.
Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."
I asked my girlfriend to give me road head and we got into an accident.
I guess next time I should be the one driving.
You can explore driving driver reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean driving driving to chicago dad jokes. There are also driving puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.
I said, "probably failing my driving test."
From my head, tomatoes.
Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice
"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"
And i was really confused so i asked why and he said
"Because they are still alive."
Original: tumblr user @hello.
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
"Probably failing my driving test," I replied.
Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.
I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.
A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Grandma's fingering herself again
Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus
Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!
And I thought to myself, "At least she's honest."
"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " SEX: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at sex that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.
we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.
"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.
It won't be long until a country singer writes a song about their truck leaving them too.
It is driving him up the wall.
They didn't install the driver.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.
At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."
He ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.
The man replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.
You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.
I did, the man replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach.
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.
Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"
Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."
Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
The girl leaned over and said:
Burrr… gurrr… King.
He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.
A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"
"It's hard to say."
All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."
The officer looked in the back of Jeff's truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?
Jeff replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.
You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving down the road once again. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.
I did, Jeff replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach."
The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.
"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.
The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:
"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"
Not mine:
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.
"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."
The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that asshole ran towards the other 10.
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
Because he's a bad parallel Parker
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"
His driving game.
...69 people? What the hell was wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran towards the wedding party so l followed him.
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a
car...
... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
"Pullover!" he screamed.
"No, it's a scarf!" she yelled back.
When driving, a drunk will approach a stop sign and may speed right through it.
A stoner will actually stop... and wait for it to turn green.
I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"
The officer says to him "Sir, I simply cannot let you continue driving. You were speeding, and not only that, you were driving down the middle of the road!"
The man says, "It's okay, officer, I have a permit from the DMV that says it's fine if I do that."
The police officer is incredulous and demands to see this permit. The man pulls out a printed piece of paper from the DMV and says "See? It says right here: tear down the dotted line."
Me: You're going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Driver: Sorry, I'm English
Cop: (shouting) Oii.. It's the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".
Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the President of the United States".
He got straight back in the car, looked at me with a completely serious face and said I've just been assaulted .
ETA: thank you so much for the awards, I showed him some (SOME!) of the comments 😂 and it made his day, he was delighted that people actually enjoyed his joke to even just upvote and comment on it but actually couldn't believe that people actually awarded it too ( people gave Reddit awards to it?? For my joke?? Like, did they actually mum or are you just saying that?! so yea, thank you kind Redditors for making my 11yo extremely happy! You guys are the best 😊
It was literally driving him bananas.
Husband says, "out of hitting the ladder and not hitting the ladder, I choose the latter".
So I turned my head and took a gander.
This guy named John is driving to meet his best friend James who is a mechanic.
But on the way John noticed a problem and pulled over.
Knowing nothing about cars he called James
James came straight over and said I know the problem, you've got a flat mate .
John replied what's Gerald got to do with this?
And over in the fast lane a concrete delivery truck went by and following behind was a contractor in his normal truck. So I pointed it out to the kids in backseat.
Kids asked where they were going.
I replied I don't know but bet when they get there they will have a concrete plan.
The groans were were like a symphony
I guess that's why the officer commended me for wreckless driving.
I slowed down and rolled down the window. They told me to *mooooooooooooove* along.
(Corny as hell, I know. Thanks, Dad)
Trunk driving
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the driving bad driving jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working driving driving test piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.