Driving Intoxicated Jokes
8 driving intoxicated jokes and hilarious driving intoxicated puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about driving intoxicated that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Comical Driving Intoxicated Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What is a good driving intoxicated joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
Why do bartenders from Boston confiscate an intoxicated person's Khaki's at the end of the night?
So they can't drive home.
Cop pulls over a swerving RV.
Cop: I am going to have to arrest you for driving while intoxicated.
Guy: You can't arrest me I am already home.
What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?
Very shellfish.
Slightly intoxicated friend driving us home asks how am I driving? Egh, well since there's no one else on the road right now, I'd say you're doing pretty good...
So there is a cop hanging out across the street of an Irish pub near closing time...
The cop notices a man stumble out of the bar, struggle to open his car and is obviously intoxicated. The man makes it out of the parking lot and is pulled over by the cop immediately.
The cop makes him get out and do all the sobriety tests. He passes with flying colors. He then breathelizes the man and he blows perfect zeros.
The cop, now confused, asks why he is 100% sober and appeared to be drunk walking out of the pub. The man responds "I wasn't drinking tonight because I'm the DD". The cop, even more confused responds, "but you aren't driving anyone home". The man replies "Yeah I know. I'm the Designated Decoy".
A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...
A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.
"b**...!", he exclaims in response. "I haven't had a single drop! The machine is obviously broken, test it on my wife!"
The policeman reluctantly agrees as the man does not seem intoxicated. As the wife is blowing into the breathalizer, it beeps again and shows that she is drunk as well.
"See? It doesn't work! You can even test my 4-year-old son!"
So the 4-year-old kid takes the breathalizer test and whaddaya know, it says he's drunk as well. "As I said it's broken, you should get it checked."
The policeman is left puzzled, he apologises and lets the man on his way.
As they start driving along again, the man turns to his wife and says: "You see that? I told you it won't hurt to give the kid a taste."
A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over...
A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over by a police officer.
As the officer approaches the car, the drunk man jumps out of the door and tries to make a run for it. The cop, furious, catches up to the drunk man and brings him back to his car.
The officer proceeds to reach into his pocket and pull out a piece of chalk, which he uses to draw a circle on the ground around the vehicle and its intoxicated owner.
After the cop obtains the drunk man's license and registration, he informs the man that he will be arrested if he takes a single step out of the chalk circle.
The cop returns to his car, when he hears the drunk man giggling in the background. He returns and tells the drunk, "If you continue laughing, I'll break your car. Shut up and keep quiet."
Not ten seconds later he hears the drunk man snickering once again. The cop takes out his club and shatters the windshield of the Lamborghini. The drunk man's laughter grew even louder.
The cop yells, "stop laughing!" as he takes out his rage on the Lamborghini even further, breaking all of its windows and batting away at the car's exterior.
The drunk's laughter increases into an uncontrollable fit, as he is practically rolling on the ground beside his mutilated Lamborghini.
At last, the cop furiously asks, "Why do you keep laughing!!?"
The drunk man stands up and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times."
Fun with police
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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