Driving Down The Road Jokes

I was once driving down the road..

..where I read a sign which said,
Speed limit 30km
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
Speed limit 20km
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
Speed limit 10km
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was another
Speed limit 1km
I pulled over and started pushing my car to a point where I finally saw the last sign,
Welcome to Speed Limit

A police officer sees a car speeding and pulls the man over.

When he gets to the window, he sees the driver has 5 penguins in his backseat. He asks the man why he has penguins in his car. The man replies, "These are my penguins, and they belong to me. The office says, "You need to take them back to the zoo immediately."
The next day, the officer sees the same man driving down the road. He pulls him over again and sees the penguins are in his backseat again and are all wearing sunglasses. The police officer says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"Oh... I did", the driver says, "And today I'm taking them to the beach."

Olie & Lena are driving down the road in their Model T...

Suddenly, a mother skunk enters the roadway with her two young babies. Olie can't stop in time and runs the mother over.
It winter time and Lena jumps out of the car to rescue the two orphans. She gets them back in and they're shivering:

Oh, Olie! They're so cold! What should I do to warm them up?
Why don't you put them between your legs?
Oh, but Olie- what about the terrible smell?
They're skunks, Lena. I don't think they'll mind.

The kangaroo joke

A man is driving down the road, looks out the window, and sees a kangaroo. He's confused, but he takes the kangaroo into the car, and drives to the police station. He asks the officer there what to do with this kangaroo he found. The officer tells him to take it to the zoo right away. The next day, the oficer is driving down the street, and sees the same man driving down the street, with the kangaroo in the car. He pulls him over and asks why he still has the kangaroo. "Well" the man says "I took him to the zoo, and he liked it so much, today we're going to the circus."

The Man and his pet.

A man is driving down the road and a police man patrolling notices something strange and stops him. He noticed a penguin sitting in the passenger seat.
Police man: "Excuse me sir, I think you should take your friend there to the zoo."
Man: "Of course sir!"
The mans drives off.
The next day, the police man is patrolling the same road and sees the man again, noticing the penguin still in the passenger seat, he stops the car once again.
Police man: "Excuse me sir, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo."
Man: "I did, he really enjoyed it, we're going to the beach today!"

Another blonde joke

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!…"

A man in overalls walks into the emergency room...

A man in overalls walks into the emergency room with the tips of his fingers missing.
"What happened to you?" Asked the Doctor as he began stitching him up.
"Well," the man replied, "I had to trim my bushes today, and I thought of a way to speed it up. Instead of using clippers, I held my lawn mower above the bushes. But then the blade lopped off the tips of my fingers underneath."
The doctor shook his head, finished the job, and sent the man home.
Ten minutes later another man walks into the emergency room, also missing all of his fingertips.
"What happened to you?" Asked the doctor.
"I was driving down the road, and I saw somebody with to best idea of how to trim their bushes."

The penguin joke (not the ice cream one)

So this guy is driving down the road with some penguins. Now some guys have penguins; this dude had some penguins! Dozens and dozens of the little dudes all piled up in guy's car cruising down the road. Well this state trooper sees him and pulls him over. Trooper walks up to the car, Mister, I'm going to give you a ticket if you don't take all these penguins straight to the zoo!
Guy in the car goes, Yes sir! and rides out. Well the next day the same state trooper is posted up in the same spot and sees the same guy drive by with the same penguins! All the same penguins, all piled up in dude's car: stacked up in the backseat, hanging out the trunk, everywhere! Today, though, they're all wearing sunglasses. So the trooper walks up to the driver, Mister, didn't I tell you yesterday to take all these penguins to the zoo?!!
Yes sir, I did. Today we're going to the beach!

Double dose (Blonde joke)

So, a blonde woman is driving down the road, speeding, when a cop pulls her over. Hoping she can get out of a ticket, she waits until a blonde police officer shows up at her door.
"Can I see your driver's license and registration?" the blonde policewoman asks.
"Which one's the driver's license?" the blonde civilian asks.
"It's a small rectangular thing with a photo of you on it..." the officer replies. The driver pulls out her pocket mirror and hands it over. "Oh, my mistake!" the officer said, looking at it. "If I knew you were a police officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

A blond is driving down the road....

when a cop pulls her over for the tail light being broken. The cop approaches the car when he hears rumbling from the truck. "What's in the trunk, please open it? Said the cop. So the blond reluctantly opens the truck and there are 3 penguins sitting there. The cop says, "Why do you have 3 penguins in your trunk? I will give you a warning for your tail light only if you take them to the zoo immediately!" "Ok, ok right away," replied the blond.
The next day the cop sees the same car driving with the same tail light broken. So the cop pulls over the blond again. He approaches the car and hears rumbling from the truck again. "Miss, open your trunk!" The blond confusingly opens the trunk and there are 3 penguins with sun glasses on. "Ma'am, I told you specifically to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday. Why do you still have them?"
The blond said, "What do you want, I took them zoo and now I'm taking them to the beach."

Literal Penguins

A man was driving down the road with three penguins in the back seat of his car. He's pulled over by police officer.
"Can I see your license and regi...what are you doing with three penguins in your car? You can't have these penguins! Go take them to the zoo right now, get out of here..."
The man drives off to the zoo. The next day the man is driving down the same road with the same three penguins in the back of his car. The penguins are all wearing sunglasses, have towels, and sunscreen on their beaks. The same cop see's him again and pulls him over.
"You again, and still with the penguins! I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?!?!"
The man replied, "I did take them to the zoo. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

Benefits of hairspray, who knew?

A young guy was driving down the road. He had been fired earlier that day, and his girlfriend had broken up with him just the day prior. While thinking of his predicament the young driver doesn't see the young rabbit in the road, and sadly hits the poor animal.
The young driver pulls over rushes to check on the animal. When the young guy finds the poor dead thing on the side of the road he finally breaks down, and starts to bawl.
A female driver sees this scene, and pulls over to help this hysterical man. She approaches and asks if she can help, but the only thing the man can do is just cry. The woman stops, thinks, and then goes back to her car.
She comes back with a can, and sprays the dead rabbit. Suddenly the rabbit springs to life! It hops away about ten feet then turns and waves. The rabbit keeps on doing this. Hopping about ten feet, then it would turn, and wave.
The male driver can't believe it. He looks over and reads the can. HAIRSPRAY: Revitalize dead hair and add wave!

A man is driving down the road...

When he comes to a stop sign. But he doesn't see anyone around, so he just slows down. However, a police officer was watching the intersection and pulls the man over. The cop says "Sir, why didn't you stop at the stop sign?"
The man says "Well there was no one around so I just slowed down."
To which the cop replies "Sir, it's a stop sign. You have to stop"
"Well I slowed down! what's the difference?"
The cop says "Sir, get out of the car," and the cop takes the man to the side of the road and starts beating the man with his night stick. After he has been beating him for a few minutes, the cop says "Now, do you want me to stop, or slow down?!"

So a penguin is driving down the road..

.. When his car starts to make funny noises. The penguin gets a little worried, and decides to go to the nearest mechanic. He sees the auto-shop just down the road, and pulls into the garage. He asks the mechanic to check his car out and the mechanic says "Sure, come back in half an hour or so." So the penguin is sitting in the waiting room patiently and notices an ice cream parlour. He goes and buys himself a cone. He's about half done when he realizes his time is up. The penguin rushes the rest of his cone, and makes a huge mess; getting it all over his face. When he gets back, he looks at the mechanic and says "So, is it serious?" The mechanic replies "Nope, it looks like you just blew a seal." To which the penguin replies "No, no. It's just ice cream!"

A blonde woman is driving down the road.
She notices that she’s low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.
While she’s pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car.
So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock.
Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, “A little more to the left…a little more to the right!…”

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck.
Some time went by, and the case got to court.
The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied. "Well sir, it was like this. We was driving down the road, minding our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pulling up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was most dead, so he shot them. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him."
Then he came over to me and he said, "How you feeling?"
I said, "I never felt better in my life."