Drivin Jokes
109 drivin jokes and hilarious drivin puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drivin that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Drivin Short Jokes
Short drivin jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drivin humour may include short yer jokes also.
- Two beers sitting in a bar Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"
"can't" the empty one replies, "Im drunk" - The other day I saw a pirate with a steering wheel on his belt When I asked him about it he said Arrgh, it's drivin' me nuts
- A pirate walks into a bar The bartender says to him:
"Hey pirate, are you aware there's a steering wheel coming from your zipper?"
The pirate replies:
"AARRGHH matey, it's drivin' me nuts!"
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Drivin Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about drivin you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drivin pranks.
Driving home from the bar, one of the boy's was showing off his new self-driving car.
"Look" he said proudly as the car stopped automatically at an intersection.
From the back seat, one of the drunks wakes up to say: "One way or another, don't all cars stop on their own?"
I was driving down the highway today and saw a woman in the lane next to me reading a novel while driving
I was so angry that I stopped texting and flipped her off
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
Driving Home Drunk
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was driving one day and I rear ended a car.
We pulled into a nearby parking lot and out of the car I had hit stepped a little person, a dwarf if you will. He said "I'm not happy",so I asked "Then which one are you?"
A pirate walks into a bar...
A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
He sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
As the bartender pours his drink he asks him why there's a steering wheel in his pants.
The prate replies, "Arrrr it's drivin me nuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was driving by a penitentiary this one time back home, and I saw a group of convicts at the perimeter fence trying to climb over.
The rest were hurrying on this one of them, who appeared to be a midget, and was having some difficulty scaling it.
All of a sudden, the biggest one just picked him up by an arm and a leg and tossed him right up & over!
And as he fell, I thought to myself,"Well, that's a little condescending."
So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving.
It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
I was driving to work this morning when a bug splatted into my windscreen.
I thought "It'll never have the guts to do that again!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was driving past the prison the other day...
with a friend of mine. All of a sudden he starts shouting and pointing, 'LOOK! There's a midget escaping! He's gone over the wall and is climbing down!'
I slammed on my brakes and said, 'woah, hang on. You can't say midget - it's a little con-descending.'
So I was driving home from work and I saw what looked like a giant weasel
It was humongoose.
You are driving a car...
You are driving a car, you have a firetruck behind you, a horse in front of you, a plane to your left flying ground level, a Police car to your right, all have the same speed as you, you are boxed in what you do to get out?
Answer^Stepdownfromthekidscarusellandleaveroomforsomkids
Was driving to work this morning and saw a pluming truck with the best slogan ever. Had to share...
J&S Plumbing: Because sometimes a flush is better than a full house.
Driving through a blizzard with my dad
At the peak of the snow and ice he got out of the car and put two frozen snakes on the windshield. I asked him what he supposed that would do to help and he said "what's wrong son, Never heard of wind chilled vipers?"
I've been driving for about seven years and haven't had an accident yet...
I guess you could call me a wreckless driver
I was driving down the motorway with my blonde girlfriend the other day and she said,
"I think those people in the car next to us are from another country"
"why is that?" I said
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, 'stit rey su wohs'"
I was driving my moms car.
I was driving my moms car and she was yelling at me. Then i crashed her car into the garage she told me "You have to pay for the damage you've done." So now when i get the bill from the therapist i send it to her.
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.
Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."
I was driving down the road with my wife the other day...
And we saw her mother getting beaten up by five men.
"Oh my god, look, my mother's being attacked, aren't you gonna help?" pleaded my wife.
"nah, five'll do it".
Driving Down The Street
I was driving down the street when i saw a black man with a tv, i thought to myself hmm that looks just like mine but when i got home mine was still there washing my car like i told him to.
I was driving along the other day when suddenly a deer ran out.
I have no idea how it got in my car in the first place.
Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer.
Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in".
Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck.
Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything".
....I'll see myself out now.
The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be...
'AFKBRB'
I've been driving for 20 years
And I still haven't seen any fast children at play
I was driving through a woodland area the other day and accidentally hit a stag
It really spoiled the wedding
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was driving with my three young children
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark n**...! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Dad, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
So I was driving down the street when I saw a couple guys trying to take an old lady's purse. I ran her over to help
We got it off her eventually
I was driving on the highway and seen a sign that read "Next Rest Area, 10 Miles"
That's a pretty big rest area
I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire...
I was driving through liverpool when I got a flat tire, so I pulled up on the side of the road and got out to change it. While I was changing it, a stranger came over and opened my bonnet.
I asked "What are you doing?!"
"Well, if you're having the tires, I'm having the engine"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was driving home today and got stuck behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Be an o**... donor!"...
They were doing 20 in a 30.
I guess they aren't feeling that committed to the cause.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was driving my taxi when a woman waved me down...
She said she wanted to got to the cemetery.
I asked If she needed to be there soon.
She said she wasn't in a rush. So I shot her.
She'll be there by Tuesday.
I was driving around in my tricycle all day
I worked it so hard, it lost a wheel. The tricycle is two tired now.
Driving today I kept seeing protest signs.
They all said "End Road Work."
Well out driving with my father we came across the sign that said U-turn okay.
I told my father I thought it was a bit pretentious for a road sign to be judging people on their driving abilities.
What do driving and dating have in common?
Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How is driving a Ford truck similar to visiting Thailand?
Either way, you're likely to blow a t**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was out driving last night, when I started feeling a little bit h**...…
I picked up a h**... and did her in the backseat and really enjoyed myself, but I think I failed my driving test…
Driving a bus
You're driving a bus with 12 passengers.
3 get off and 4 get on.
Next stop 5 get off and 2 get on.
Next stop 2 get off and 4 get on.
Now what color are the bus driver's eyes?
While driving along today I saw a man on the side of the road throwing cheese and butter at cars...
how dairy.
Was driving down the street when I saw someone getting jumped by 3 guys. I quickly pulled over and ran towards the scene.
I got there and the 4 of us messed him up good.
Source: 75 year old Mexican father-in-law
I was driving a jeep in a new video game
It was a little buggy
How do you know if you're driving behind a physicist?
Their rear bumper has a red sticker that says "if this appears blue, you're driving too fast."
Hope it isn't too niche.
I was driving when something told me I was going the wrong way...
I think it was a sign.
Driving along the freeway I overtook a female driver doing her make up in the mirror..
I was so shocked I dropped my razor in my coffee.
We were driving through the Welsh countryside when my little girl said…
"Look at that strange animal daddy, man at the back, sheep at the front."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was driving the other day
I was driving the other day when I saw this beautiful woman standing on the side of the road. I slowed down a little bit to get a better look at her when the guy behind me rear ended me.
As soon as we both got out of our vehicles, I noticed he was a midget. As he was walking over to me I could tell he was mad. He approached me and yelled, "I'm not happy!"
I replied, "Well, which one are you?"
Driving home earlier
I saw a young couple weaving all over the street. I told them 'Go get a loom'
Driving License
Judge: Why did you steal the car?
Man: I had to get to work.
Judge: Why didn't you take the bus?
Man: I don't have a driver's license for the bus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
While driving on the highway, my wife called and to warn me about a crazy person driving on the wrong side of the road...
I responded to her, saying, One crazy person?! Every single driver on this highway is crazy!
Driving past a cemetery
"Do you know how many people in there are dead?"
"No"
"All of 'em"
Driving home one day I saw my boss drunkenly stumbling in the road.
I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.
Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.
When new self driving cars become mainstream, country music will change
We'll be hearing songs about how my truck ran off
I was once driving down the road..
..where I read a sign which said,
Speed limit 30km
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
Speed limit 20km
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
Speed limit 10km
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was another
Speed limit 1km
I pulled over and started pushing my car to a point where I finally saw the last sign,
Welcome to Speed Limit
During my driving exam I drove into a hospital wall.
Apparently that wasn't what he meant when said, "Emergency stop".
I was driving along the road and I saw a coffin on the curb with a sign that said "FREE"
I thought to myself, "this is the last thing I need."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once tried driving to Mexico to steal a couple pet dolphins.
But I was arrested for trying to enter the country for i**... porpoises.
Driving through SC, I just saw some hay on the side of the road
It must have gotten sick of the driver and bailed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Driving in traffic in the city I moved into is a lot like having s**... with my ex-girlfriend...
It always seems like I can never go too fast for too long and whenever a gap opens up in front of me another guy already filled it up.
Driving in England
In England they drive on the left side of the road, in New England we drive on what's left of the road.
My driving instructor said that it was important to understand how to use universally understood hand signals.
Funny, his whole tune changed when I started flipping people off.
Driving in Maryland
My girlfriend was next to me in my car the other day. We're driving through Baltimore and she says "Did you know Maryland is the third worst state to drive in?" over and over and over. About six miles later I get pulled over by a cop. The cop says "uhh sir? You do realize your girlfriend fell out of the car five miles back right?" And I said "Wow, and here I thought I was lucky enough to go deaf!"
I was driving in upstate NY
And I saw a sign that said "Watch For Falling Rocks" so I figured ok, I'll give it five minutes but then I really gotta get going!
Driving test (Blonde)
Why did the blonde keep failing her driving test?
Every time the instructor said "let's start" she would jump to the backseat ...
....
....
I was driving passed some farms and I swear I saw a pig smoking a Doobie.... I think...
Therefore.... High ham?
I was driving along when I saw two hitchhikers.
I stopped beside them and said, "Want me to take you home?"
They said, "Yes, please!"
I said, "OK, but you'll have to sleep on my floor."
Driving
I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook."
I was driving by some land that was for sale
I was driving by some land for sale and was wondering the price. It was a lot.
Edit. First time submitting. Hope you liked it!
I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me.
Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.
We were driving down the road when a koala cut ahead of us and knocked into the car.
We sped up alongside of him and yelled out "Hey, you clipped us."
I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said, "I can't believe how poor the visibility is."
She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."
I saw someone driving a DeLorean to work today. If I had one I wouldn't use it for running about like that...
I would just drive it from time to time.
I'm driving up to Worcester this weekend
Easier done than said.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was driving down the road when I passed a s**... club that advertised it had "high caliber women".
To this day I still can't understand why they wouldn't want someone under 45 working there.
As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."
"Until the pressure got to him."
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don't. And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can't be buried here. I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"
I was driving while high and a sign smiled at me.
Normally it says Slow down! Too fast!
I was driving my wife to work this morning when she suddenly pushed my hand from the gear lever
"What are you doing?" I asked
"Well," she said, "I've kept quiet for too long and I'm sick of you not concentrating on your driving - you do the steering and I'll stir the petrol."
I was driving behind a guy with too many bumper stickers...
I had to follow him for ten miles just to read 'em.
While driving home I saw my mechanic on the side of the road crying like a little baby.
I don't know exactly what happened but he must have had a serious breakdown
We were driving on the highway and suddenly my wife said, Hey, you missed a right!
I said, Thanks babe. You MRS. right.
I was driving down the interstate when I came across a sign for the world's largest pickle...
I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it. Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle. When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed. Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.
I just never saw what the big dill was.
