They were pirates of the car I be in.
Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."
..where I read a sign which said,
Speed limit 30km
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
Speed limit 20km
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
Speed limit 10km
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was another
Speed limit 1km
I pulled over and started pushing my car to a point where I finally saw the last sign,
Welcome to Speed Limit
It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
...so I turned off my headlights and pulled a stealthy u-turn right the hell out of there.
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Nervously, I had to wonder if it was mine, but then I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes
Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in".
Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck.
Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything".
....I'll see myself out now.
I worked it so hard, it lost a wheel. The tricycle is two tired now.
A senior citizen drove his brand new Bugatti to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ...
Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding.
I'll let U go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good Night , Sir"
dad: "did you know that all the people who live around here aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
me: "really? why not?"
dad: "because they're not dead yet."
Pissed me off so much I threw my beer at her.
So this senior citizen was driving down 93 when his wife called him on the phone. "Be careful! I just saw on the news there's a car driving the wrong way on the highway!"
"It's not just one car, it's hundreds of 'em!"
Because the camels can't handle it
with a friend of mine. All of a sudden he starts shouting and pointing, 'LOOK! There's a midget escaping! He's gone over the wall and is climbing down!'
I slammed on my brakes and said, 'woah, hang on. You can't say midget - it's a little con-descending.'
I asked her, "what do you want"?
She said "five guys".
I slapped the shit out of her.
"I think those people in the car next to us are from another country"
"why is that?" I said
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, 'stit rey su wohs'"
Two guys are driving. Well, actually, only one is driving, the other is riding. Anyway, they're driving along, and they come to a red light. The driver blows right through it! The passenger says "What the hell, man?! That was a red light!" The driver waves him off, saying, "My brother drives like this!"
So they drive a little while longer, and they come to another red light. Once again, the driver blows right through it. The passenger freaks out. The driver says, "Man, relax, alright? My brother always drives like this, and he's never been in one accident."
A few moments later, they come to a green light, and they stop. The passenger looks at the driver and says, "What the hell are you stopping now for?"
"Well, my brother might be coming the other way!"
We pulled into a nearby parking lot and out of the car I had hit stepped a little person, a dwarf if you will. He said "I'm not happy",so I asked "Then which one are you?"
The pirate walks in and tells the doc he's having an issue down below.
He drops his pants and the doc says, "My god there's your problem! You have a steering wheel attached to your testicles!"
The pirate responds, "ARRR IT'S DRIVIN ME NUTS!"
I was driving the other day when I saw this beautiful woman standing on the side of the road. I slowed down a little bit to get a better look at her when the guy behind me rear ended me.
As soon as we both got out of our vehicles, I noticed he was a midget. As he was walking over to me I could tell he was mad. He approached me and yelled, "I'm not happy!"
I replied, "Well, which one are you?"
They don't want to overwork the camel.
I think it was a sign.
There's always an asshole in front of you.
Either way, you're likely to blow a tranny
In England they drive on the left side of the road, in New England we drive on what's left of the road.
I was driving past my Gran's house today and saw 11 pints of milk on her doorstep.
I thought, "She must be fucking thirsty today."
I thought to myself, "this is the last thing I need."
And I still haven't seen any fast children at play
Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.
Stoners stop and wait for them to turn green.
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
But I was arrested for trying to enter the country for illegal porpoises.
"Do you know why I can't be buried there?"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not dead yet, Son."
Bar tender says "I like the belt buckle"
Pirate replies "Arrgh, it's drivin me nuts"
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