Driveway Jokes
107 driveway jokes and hilarious driveway puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about driveway that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your driveway the talk of the town with these hilarious driveway jokes! From new driveways to neighbors who drove over it, these jokes will have you rolling. Whether you're looking to amuse your friends or just provide something to laugh at while your hands are in the dirt, our collection of driveway jokes will give you the chuckles you need.
Funniest Driveway Short Jokes
Short driveway jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The driveway humour may include short drive thru jokes also.
- I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him... Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.
- I bought my son a puppy... I bought my son a puppy for his birthday but I accidentally ran him over as I was backing out my driveway. At least I still have the puppy
- whats the difference between my driveway and 14 year old daughter? ... I pull out of my driveway
- I like my coffee like I like my Women... Sliding off the roof of my car as I tear out of the driveway.
- I hit a cat backing out of my driveway I'm surprised I didn't see it. It was bright yellow, 50 feet, and weighed 40 tons.
- My fat girlfriend demanded that for her birthday I get her something in the driveway that goes 0-200 in 5 seconds. Apparently a scale wasn't what she was thinking.
- An Asian person robbed my house. 1. My homework is done.
2. My computer is upgraded to its maximum potential.
3. There's a person trying to back out of the driveway. - I told my son to watch our car carefully, I was going to do a magic trick with it Sure enough, it turned into a driveway.
- I never thought I would turn into my dad... ...until I pulled into my driveway and ran over him.
- When is a door not a door? When its ajar
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
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Driveway One Liners
Which driveway one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with driveway? I can suggest the ones about drove and driving.
- (For big brains only) What do you call a car when it turns into a driveway? A driveway.
- A magician was driving down the road when suddenly... He turned into a driveway!
- If you fall outta your car in your driveway, it's your own asphalt.
- Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country? He was Snowden.
- When is a car no longer a car? When it turns into a driveway
- My car leaks so much oil that the U.S Army just invaded my driveway.
- What does Van Helsing put on his driveway in the winter? Garlic Salt
- A wizard is driving down a road and he turns in to a driveway.
- How do you keep a blonde at home? Build a circular driveway.
- I found a nickel in the driveway but my sister kicked it away. I'm Nicholas.
- I'm thinking I was just following a magician Because he suddenly turned into a driveway.
- My neighbor is really into music... Even his driveway is hard rock
- What's the first sign of madness ? Suggs walking up your driveway
- I'm sitting here, watching snow fall onto the driveway... It's a rerun.
- I don't like shoveling my driveway for snow because He who dealt it, should melt it.
New Driveway Jokes
Here is a list of funny new driveway jokes and even better new driveway puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I prayed to God to help me get a new car, and I woke up to a giant dollop of mayonnaise in my driveway. I guess he gave me a Miracle Whip.
- My new house has special needs It has a re-tarred driveway.
Hilarious Driveway Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about driveway you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean highway jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make driveway pranks.
There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the little old lady make her husband shovel the driveway? She thought she heard him begging for a snow job.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You might be a r**... if...
1. You don't know the difference between your lawn and your driveway.
2. Watching j**... Springer reminds you of your neighbors
3. Your family tree is a circle
Drunk homecoming
A man stumbles up the driveway to his house at 6 in the morning, barely able to stand on his feet. He manages to reach the door but finds it locked and then proceeds to knock.
knock, knock, knock....
After a while his wife comes and opens the door, in a less than a pleased mood.
"What possible reason could you have for coming home at this hour!?"
Slurring and struggling to form words, but managing it in the end the man replies.
"Breakfast!"
This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12
Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.
The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.
They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.
The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".
The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.
"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.
"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"
Boat for sale
Ole walks by Sven's house and sees a sign that says "Boat for sale". He walks up the driveway and only sees a tractor and a lawn mower. He goes up to the door and says, "Ole, I see dat sign dat says 'boat for sale,' but alls I see is a tractor and a lawn mower." Sven says, "Yup, and dey're boat for sale."
Borrowed Car
One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove by your house a bunch of times, but I didn't see your car in the driveway, so I thought you weren't home!"
A Child Didn't Attend School
Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"
How do you keep the Kansas City Chiefs away from your house?
Paint a goal line on your driveway.
True Story from South Carolina
A real estate agent said she saw a for sale sign leaned against a stump in front of a house. She saw a car in the driveway and decided to stop and inquire about the property. She rang the bell, an old man appeared, she explained who she was and asked how much the house was listed for. The old man laughed and said "Lady the house aint for sale, the stump is."
Johnny's wife Suzy is upset...
...Johnny has forgot their anniversary.
Suzy says, "If tomorrow I don't see a shiny, metal object that can go from 0 to 300 in a few seconds by tomorrow, I'm leaving you!"
The next day, Johnny wakes up early and goes to work. Suzy wakes up, looks into the driveway and sees a big box sitting there. Suzy runs down and opens it.
Inside she finds bathroom scales.
So, I went out and had a few drinks..
I decided to take a bus home. So this morning I awoke and I don't know what to do with the bus parked in my driveway.
My girlfriend is so reckless...
We were standing at the top of my driveway, I let go of her hand for one second and all of a sudden shes at the bottom of the driveway about to go headfirst into oncoming traffic.
No wonder she ended up in a wheelchair.
It was Frank and Diane's 10th wedding anniversary...
...and Diane told Frank that if there wasn't something sitting in the driveway that goes from 0-60 in 3 seconds when she got home from work, she would file for divorce. When Diane arrived home from work, she saw a box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she got out of her car and opened it only to find a scale. Frank has been missing since Friday.
I was trying to help my blonde neighbour park her trailered boat in her driveway.
Go ahead, back up, I kept saying...it took over 2 hours.
Two women are talking over the fence....
One womans husband pulls up in the driveway, and gets out of the car with a big bunch of flowers. Upon seeing them the wife remarks "looks like I will be on my back with my legs in the air shortly"
Her neighbour replied "Don't you own a vase?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
A couple of weeks before my wife's birthday she pulls me aside and explains, "For my birthday I would like to see something that goes from 0 to 200 in the driveway."
Well, I stand there thinking for awhile and it hits me! I buy it, have it wrapped with a big bow.
On her birthday she comes out and sees it all wrapped and beautiful. She rips the wrapping off and....it's a scale.
Incidentally, does anyone have a couch for me to c**... on for awhile?
I own a Driver-less car.
Yup, it's sitting parked on my driveway right now.
A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...
So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"
A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.
Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....
Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.
Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know if an Asian person has robbed your house?
When you come home, your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and they're still trying to back out of the driveway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India.
I said sure, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the worst part of giving a magician a ride home?
When you get there, you turn into the driveway.
Ba-dum-b**...!
Don't forget to tip your waitress!
How do you back Matthew Mcconaughey into a driveway?
"You're alright alright alright, You're alright alright alright, You're alright alright alright"
I got paid $20 to plow an old lady. I exceeded her expectations by a mile...
I did her driveway and she only wanted the porch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know if a Korean gang robbed your house?
Because all the rice is gone, and three hours later, they are still trying to back out of your driveway.
I've been studying magic and some friends challenged me to do something amazing...
So I turned my car into a driveway.
Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
A wife's birthday was the next
day and she said to her husband, "Honey, for my birthday I want something that goes from 0-230 in 6 seconds to be in our driveway."
"I'll see what I can do" replied the husband suggestively.
The next morning she ran outside and found a scale in the driveway.
A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-pan, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car."
A man calls the police station to report a house robbery
Man: an Asian man just broke into my house and took my wife's jewelry!
Operator: how do you know he is Asian?
Man: he's still trying to back out of my driveway!
A teenager lost a contact lens while playing in the driveway...
After a fruitless search, he went inside the house and told his mother he lost a lens and, try as he might, could not find it.
Undaunted, the mother went outside and in only a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing" she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150".
What is the difference between a driveway and a teenage girl?
Roy Moore pulls out of the driveway.
I bought my wife a Chevelle for the driveway
A snow chevelle
Political Correctness
I know political correctness is a huge thing nowadays, but is it ok to say the word "Retarred" if I'm having my driveway paved over again?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a Pathway, an Alleyway and a Driveway all have in common.
Your mom can't fit through any of them.
Im moving out
Son: mom, i am finally living alone
Mom: Thats great honey! Under her breath: they grow up so fast
Son: your bags are in the driveway
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
have you heard about my s**... driveway?
it was re-tarred
I took a wrong turn during a driving experience at Silverstone.
There's now an Aston Martin parked in my driveway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do we drive on a beltway...
But beat our kids in the driveway?
Whats the difference between a driveway and a dead baby?
No one cares when you pull out of a driveway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the mechanic do when...
What did the mechanic do when he was with his GF and her parents car pulls into the driveway?
He nutted and bolted.
I hired a special needs guy to clean my driveway, but he must have misunderstood...
He's re-tarred it.
I'm buying my wife golf shoes for Christmas. She doesn't golf...
But she does wash my car and the driveway gets a little icy in the winter.
Why does Demi Lovato's driveway have a light house beside it?
The end part of her drive home is usually pretty foggy
Billy's parents were about to leave for a business trip
They told Billy he would be staying at his grandma's house for the week and they dropped him off on their way to the airport. Once his parents' car had left the driveway, Billy started sobbing intensely.
His grandma asked Billy, what's wrong? Are you homesick?
Billy replied No. I'm heresick.
A man asked his newlywed friend upon his return to work How did you spend your honeymoon?
The man replied Well we started out on the Riviera....but she slipped off the hood, so we finished on the driveway!
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife pulled into the driveway and excitedly told me "Honey, you'll never guess who I ran into at the protest today!"
I said I couldn't possibly guess, who?
"I don't know either, we'll have to watch the news to find out. Now please help me hose the blood off our truck!"
Bob was in trouble...
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
A man walks past a house that has a sign posted up saying "Boat for sale" and decides to check it out
As he's walking up the driveway, all he sees is an old car and a grill.
Confused, he knocks on the door and asks the Jamaican home owner, "hey, I can see that you have a sign out front saying you've got a boat, but all I can see is an old car and a grill.."
"Ya mon!" the Jamaican home owner excitedly replies, "and dem boat for sale!"
Heard at work today
When you see 20 cars in your neighbor's driveway, and you're thinking about calling the cops. Go over there and ask for a glass of milk. You know why? Because milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth. Minding your own business.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Should've been more specific
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p**....
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".
I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.
Jim and Joe are sitting at a bar drinking and jim asks where is John? Joe says John is missing . What happened asks Jim . Well joe says
John forgot his wedding anniversary again. His wife flew into a fit of rage, walked out to the driveway pointed to the ground and said., I want a present that goes from 0 to 200 really fast and I want it here by tomorrow morning.
Fine says Jim but that doesn't explain where John is.
Well continued Joe they next morning his wife woke up walked out side and saw a big box with a ribbon so she opened it and saw a new set of bathroom scales and John hasn't been seen since
Bob was in trouble
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary
His wife was mad. She told him tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!
The next morning she saw a big gift wrapped box in the driveway. She rushed out, opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Failed DIY project
I thought it would be cool to tar up my driveway, but it ended up looking hideous. Can't even blame anyone, it's my own s**... asphalt.
