Drivers Test Jokes
51 drivers test jokes and hilarious drivers test puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drivers test that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Drivers Test Short Jokes
Short drivers test jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drivers test humour may include short driver test jokes also.
- Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired? They tested positive for coke.
- I failed the drivers test even though I stopped for the sign I gave it plenty of time to cross, it's not my fault I hit it.
- A guy watches as his girlfriend struggles to park. he says to her "I think you should get tested." "why" she says I'm no that bad of a driver am i?" "No, I have chlamydia" he replies
- Driving I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook."
- Why was coldplay band members never able to pass a drivers test? Because they were stuck in reverse
- My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
- Why did the t**... fail his driver's test? He couldn't tell the difference between a parking space and a crowded street.
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Drivers Test One Liners
Which drivers test one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drivers test? I can suggest the ones about drivers ed and drivers license.
- Why did Spider-Man's evil twin fail his driver's test? He was a bad parallel Parker.
- My son got 8 out of 10 on his driver's test. The other 2 managed to jump out of his way.
- Where did Sauron go to take his driver's test? The Department of Mordor Vehicles
- Took my drivers test high on magic mushrooms. Passed with flying colors.
- When do Asians have mixed feelings? When they fail their driver's test.
- Just failed my theory test. Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.
- Why couldn't h**... pass his driver's test? He kept stepping on the gas.
Drivers Test Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about drivers test you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean driving test jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drivers test pranks.
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers.
At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.
The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights.
He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel.
There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit.
After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says,
"It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away.
A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer.
"I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a u**... sample."
"I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line."
"I can't do that either, officer."
The officer was getting irritated... "And why not?"
"Because I'm dead drunk."
Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......
.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."
The Polish eye exam.
A polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters
~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
NY Driver's license.
A recently arrived Polish immigrant is taking eye test to get a driver's license in New York. The examiner shows him a card with the following letters:
C Z A J K O K I W S
The examiner asks - Can you read this?
The Polish replies - Read??! I know this guy!!
The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...
...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.
Chris says to his father.
"Dad I just passed my drivers test and I was wondering if you could help me buy my first car".
His father said he'd make a deal with his son
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'"
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said
"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
The Dad replied:
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
Driving home very drunk
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
A teenager had just passed his drivers test, and he asked his dad to buy him a car
"Dad, will you be able to get me a car?" Asked the boy
"I suppose a car would be in order *if* you can raise your grades from C's to B's, you study your Bible, and cut your hair." Replied the father.
After contemplating for many hours, the boy decided it was a good and fair compromise. Six weeks later, the father is astonished. His son was excelling in school, he studied his Bible every day, but his hair was still long and shaggy.
"I am very impressed with you" said the father "you are passing all of your classes, and you read the Bible every day. But why wont you cut your hair?"
"After reading the Bible, I have noticed something." Said the boy "Moses, Samson, and Absalom all had long hair. There is even evidence that *Jesus* may have had long hair!"
The father replied back "Did you also notice how they had to walk everywhere too?"
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
So my sister took her Driver's Ed test today...
She thinks she failed. Part of the reason was because of this fill-in-the-blank question:
*If the ______ is dead, the car won't start.*
She put "driver" as her answer.
A Juggler, and the Police...
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
Polish immigrant
A newly-arrived Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.
He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.
Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy."
A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.
As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.
What are those for? he asks suspiciously.
I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.
Well, show me, the officer demands.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.
Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.
A Welsh guy was getting his driver's license.
He had to take a vision test, so they showed him a line of letters that said: B W N S T R Y D D W L L
They asked, "Can you read the letters?" The man replied, "Are you kidding? I'm *from* that town!"
A warning to all my friends.
Be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting closer to Christmas.
Police are out in full force with loads of road blocks all over. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another, and I had a few too many beers which then went on to whiskies. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.
I passed the police check point where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathaliser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely, no accidents,which was a real surprise because..
I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from...
A warning to all the drivers now, close to New Year's Eve...
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to New Year's Eve and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
(dad joke) A Dad was helping his daughter study for her drivers permit test.
Dad: What do you when the light is green?
Daughter: Go.
Dad: What do you do when the light is red?
Daughter: Stop.
Dad: What do you do when the light is yellow?
Daughter: Slow down
Dad: **WWHHHAAATTTT DDOOOO YOUUUUU DOOOO WHEEEENNNN THEEEEE LIIIIIIIIGHTTT TURRRRNNNSSSS YELLLOOOOOW?**
Driver's License Test Question:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
.
.
.
.
Get off the Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk!
Four students carpool to school.
They had a final exam and wanted to impress their classmates, so they agreed to arrive 30 mins late for the exam.
As soon as they arrived late, their teacher asked them why they were late. The driver responded: "we had a flat tire sir"
The teacher said: "very well, why don't the four of you sit right there at the back"
They sat down and started writing their test, only for the teacher to get to them and say: "there's been a change in the exam for the four of you. Question 1: which tire was flat?"
An old lady in a nursing home ...
.. is wheeling around in her wheelchair. She zooms up and down the corridors and screeches around the corners. Then one of the other residents stops her and demands to see her driver's license. She hands him a chocolate bar wrapper and he is satisfied.
She continues rushing around until another inmate stops her and demands to see her registration. Again the candy wrapper works.
But on turning the next corner she sees an elderly man standing in her path completely n**....
"Oh no" she thinks "How am I going to pass the breathalyzer test?"
A cop pulled over a guy he suspected of driving under the influence.
He told the driver he'd have to take a breathalyzer test..
"Sorry, officer but I've got asthma and a breathalyzer might trigger anaphylaxis attack."
"Okay well then you'll have to do a u**... test"
"Afraid I can't do that either. You see I have diabetes and my u**... has all kinds of stuff in it that would throw a test off."
"OK fine. Then step out of your car and walk a white line."
"Nope can't do that either."
"Oh yeah, so what's your excuse this time."
"Cuz I'm drunk, ya dumb a**...!
A circus performer is stopped by the police for having a faulty brake light
As he approaches the car, the policeman spots a set of knives on the back seat.
He asks the man why he has them and doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knives?
The man explains that the knives are used in his act. He juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act.
Just then, another car drives by. The driver of the car turns to his wife and says, Thank goodness I gave up drinking, just look how the police do sobriety tests these days.
English Football joke.
A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a
breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man
is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'
So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then
pulls out another card which read 'this man is anemic, please
do not take his blood'. Finally the police, getting p**... off asks
him to take a u**... test, finally the man pulled out his
Manchester United season ticket which read 'this man is a
Manchester United fan, please do not take the p**....
(Edit works with other teams as well.)
License
An immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters, "C-Z-W-I-X-N-O-S-T-A-C-Z." "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the guy replied, "I know the guy."
An officer sees a man leave the bar at closing time and walk in a drunken fashion, trying to enter each car parked there.
The officer thinks to himself I have got an easy catch. Meanwhile while this is going in, the other patrons enter their own cars and drive off.
When the drunken man finally climbs in his own car and pulls out, the cop is waiting for him and gives a breath analyser test.
To his surprise, it shows a reading of 0.0. Confused, the cop asks the driver, how?
To which the driver replies - Tonight, I am the designated decoy.
A man leaves a bar and is pulled over by a cop...
he's had a few too many to drink and the cop tells him he's going to administer a sobriety test. The cop asks the driver to say the alphabet starting with the letter M. The man smugly looks at the cop and says "Malphabet."