Driver Jokes
176 driver jokes and hilarious driver puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about driver that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh along with this collection of jokes about drivers, driver's licenses, driver training, driver tests, driver's ed, driver shortage, truckers, chauffeurs, and more. Enjoy a good chuckle with these driver-related puns and humorous stories about the roads.
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Funniest Driver Short Jokes
Short driver jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The driver humour may include short dashboard jokes also.
- Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
- My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
- Boy: What's a palindrome?
Teacher: racecar
{10 years later}
Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome
Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak] - My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
- A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel
A REALIST sees a freight train
The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks - My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
- I tried to be an Uber driver... Trouble is, my passengers didn't appreciate when I went the extra mile.
- Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus, That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
- Shame about the tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie. He should've watched the trailer.
- Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car
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Driver One Liners
Which driver one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with driver? I can suggest the ones about controller and drawer.
- A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.
- What do you call a group of people with something in common, but hate each other? drivers
- I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent... It goes without saying
- I'm afraid to die alone. So I became a bus driver.
- If you want girls to be running after you Become a Bus Driver.
- Why can't PC gamers use Uber? Too many incompatible drivers.
- What do you call an Irishman who's had eight beers? The designated driver.
- You know what never gets old? Russian tank drivers
- I had a Russian Uber driver the other day. His name was Pikup Andropov
- If a piano player is called a pianist Wouldn't a racecar driver be called a racist?
- Drive safe I saw a driver texting and driving.
It made me so mad I threw my beer at him. - Why do uber drivers skip the gym? Because they don't even lyft.
- My son got 8 out of 10 on his driver's test. The other 2 managed to jump out of his way.
- Why couldn't the computer play golf?... ...Because it had the wrong Driver
- A delivery driver asked me what time it was… I said, Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm .
Bus Driver Jokes
Here is a list of funny bus driver jokes and even better bus driver puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 3 Big things happened to me today 1) My neighbor said he didn't like me
2) My neighbor got hit by a bus
3) I lost my bus drivers license - I had a really sad day today First - My ex got run over by a bus
Second - I got fired as a bus driver - I jumped on the bus, and said, "Two, please." The driver said, "This is a school bus."
I replied, "I know, and make them good looking." - I was going to make a joke about that bus... I was going to make a joke about that bus that rolled over and killed the driver and 9 passengers...
But there's no pun in ten dead. - I went for my interview to be a bus driver I told them 'Sorry I'm late'
They said 'you're hired' - The job of your dreams Do you want to drive a vehicle worth $100,000?
Do you want a corner office with windows?
Do you love to travel?
If so, then become a bus driver! - Me: I'll call you when I get home so you know I'm safe Bus driver: I really don't care
- My grandad the bus driver passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday unlike his passengers
- Just witnessed this classic on the bus Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver. - My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software Turns out it was the bus driver
Taxi Driver Jokes
Here is a list of funny taxi driver jokes and even better taxi driver puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Chocolate is bad Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business. - I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
- Taxi driver: "What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. Noone tells me what to do, I make my own decisions." Me: "Take the next left."
- What's the smallest unit of time in the known universe? The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
- "Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?" asked the taxi driver. "Is it his shield?" I asked.
- I had to give up being a Taxi Driver. There was just too much talking behind my back.
- Being a taxi driver is boring, nobody ever talks to me. And when they can be bothered to talk, all they say is "Hang on a minute, I don't live in the woods".
- I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said 'do you mind if I put some music on?' I said 'Not at all'
He said 'Kiss?'
I said 'Let's listen to the music first and see how we feel' - "Hello, barman? Give me another drink!" I yelled.
He said, "I think you've had enough, sir."
"What makes you say that?" I laughed.
He said, "I'm a taxi driver." - Where do taxi drivers with bad skin go for treatment? The Taxi Dermist.
Woman Driver Jokes
Here is a list of funny woman driver jokes and even better woman driver puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you know woman turn into good drivers. So be careful while they turn, because they might hit you.
- I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way. Through the driver's door.
- My mom always used to say "50 is the new 20!" Lovely woman, lost her driver's license...
- Woman driver is like a star on the sky You see her, she doesn't see you.
- A truck driver runs over a woman. Whose fault is it? The truck driver's, he was driving through her kitchen.
- A guy called British Airways before his flight from London to Paris: Hi, I have a question. Can I fly to France using my drivers license? No , said the woman. You need a plane
- What did the inpatient woman tell the Uber driver? Hurry up. I'm in desperate need of a Lyft.
- I'm a truck driver, and today I saw a homeless woman holding up a sign that said please help, I am deaf . My air horn disagreed
- I nearly got run over by a woman driver today. Luckily I managed to jump into the road just in time.
- Trafic policeman: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"
Woman driver: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."
Cab Driver Jokes
Here is a list of funny cab driver jokes and even better cab driver puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" -New York's most hated cab driver
Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter - A guy walks into a cab and... asks if it's ok to use hand sanitizer in the car. The driver says, "Sure. I haven't smelled anything in 2 weeks anyway."
- A cab driver in Moscow..... Was driving 20 over the speed limit. The passenger got scared so he asked, "Sir, why are you Russian?"
- I got into a cab and asked the driver to take me where the action is. He took me to my house.
- Why did the taxi driver sue the man who died in his cab? Because life isn't fare.
- What do a cab driver and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them
...the more english you get out. - What did the body builder say to the cab driver? U don't even lyft, bro.
- Question: What did the Cabbage say to the cab driver when he passed his stop? Answer:
"STOP THE CAB-BAGE"
Ps - The joke is to say it out loud and figure out what you are actually saying. - The problem with psychotic cab drivers. They drive me crazy.
- My usual cab driver always goes the extra mile. I've ought to get a new driver really.
Driver License Jokes
Here is a list of funny driver license jokes and even better driver license puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A cop looked at my driver's license and said I should be wearing glasses, so I told him I had contacts. But he didn't care who I knew and he gave me a ticket anyway.
- LPT: NEVER hang your drivers license from your rearview mirror! You risk being pulled over for driving with a suspended license.
- Just got my drivers license and I'm already getting compliments! Someone left a note on my car which said "Parking fine!" I was so happy :)
- My neighbor always tells me he was the coolest kid in grade 6 Today I found out he was the only kid in his class with a driver's license and a mustache
- A cop stops a guy for speeding Cop: Sir, I need to see your drivers license.
Guy: what, you guys took it from me two years ago, don't tell me you lost it. - Did you hear about the Pizza Chef with no drivers license? He could dish it out but he couldn't take it.
- I was on a vegetable and wine only diet I lost 20 pounds and my drivers license
- Driving License Judge: Why did you steal the car?
Man: I had to get to work.
Judge: Why didn't you take the bus?
Man: I don't have a driver's license for the bus. - Why couldn't the artist get a driver's license? He gave off a good Impression, but couldn't make a Van Gogh.
- Police officer to a driver: OK, driver's license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle. Driver: Nah, I've already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain's cap?"
Giggle-Inducing Driver Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about driver you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean device jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make driver pranks.
Impact of a job change.
A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs
Blondes At The Bus Stop.
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says.
The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"
A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.
St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"
A police officer pulls a guy over.....
and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a s**... driver do with his slaves when he's bored?
He racism.
I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.
Should I report the vehicle as stolen?
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
Met a Dwarf Today....
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
fire the chauffeur!
Wife: "I'm gonna fire our chauffeur!!! He's such a pathetic driver, this is the third time he almost got me killed...."
Husband: "Dear, lets give him another chance."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Five guys in an Audi Quattro...
...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,
"It'sa i**... to p**... five people in a Quattro."
"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.
"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."
"Quattro is just the name of the car."
"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."
"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"
"He can'ta come."
"Why not?"
"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."
A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...
and spots a speeder.
He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."
Terrifying Story
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
The kindness of strangers
An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?
Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.
Driver : Then why do you buy them ?
Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer c**...?
Because it had a bad driver!
*drops mic*
A police officer stops a driver...
A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A female nudist calls for a taxi
The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.
At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a n**... girl before?
Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a s**... UPS driver?
A mail e**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My drivers license says I'm an o**... donor,
but jokes on them because I own a piano.
I saw someone try to park a car for about 10 minutes.
I didn't see the driver so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.
A car broke down on a Native Reservation...
...so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, "what's wrong?"
"Piston broke", he replied.
"So are we. Get in."
Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?
It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear
Two priests are out driving and get pulled over
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it
A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.
Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.
The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Army Wargames
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
They helped.
I got distracted today while driving and rear-ended the car in front of me.
The car door opened and out hopped the driver. He stormed up to me, all 3' 9" of him, and angrily blurted out "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
*"Which one are you then?"*
What's the difference between a high and drunk driver?
The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.
'What's up?' says the driver.
'Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,' says the policeman.
'Thank goodness for that,' says the driver. 'I thought I'd gone deaf.'
A guy finally buys his dream car
... And on his first day of owning it, he gets caught speeding down the highway.
Pulling over, the officer walks up to the window and says "Son, I've been a cop for over 30 years, I've heard every excuse there is. If you come up with a new one I'll let you off with a warning."
The driver says "Well, to be honest sir, my wife recently left me for a state trooper, and when I saw your car, I was scared you were bringing her back."
The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees a light approaching into the tunnel
The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway
A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road
They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
A Driver gets Pulled Over
A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Israeli tourist
An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"b**..., that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
Blonde gets caught speeding.
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(
Three boys were talking after school...
Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."
The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"
The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"
I was in a Uber today and the driver said,
"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"
Then I said "turn left"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians , and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...
The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."
What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?
They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.
Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who's speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.
She replied: I know! There's like hundreds of them!
Three children talking to each other...
The 1st kid : "My dad loves cars, so he is a car driver."
The 2nd kid : "My dad loves buses, so he is a bus driver."
The 3rd kid(not sure what his dad loves) : "My dad always screws up,so he is a screwdriver."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this lady is getting on the bus with her baby...
And as she gets on, the bus driver glances at her child, does a double take and says "Gaaaaahhhh!!"
Well, this disturbs the lady, but she sits down.
The passenger next to her sees that she's disturbed, and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver was VERY rude to me!"
The passenger says, "Well, you should go give him a piece of your mind! Let me hold your monkey for you."
They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed...
They didn't install the driver.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...
The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.
Finally, from up the front, the driver said, Just let the ugly one have it!
Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...
Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the h**... is wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A taxi passenger
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pessimist sees only the tunnel. An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. A realist thinks the light is probably inside the tunnel.
A train driver sees three idiots standing in the middle of the track
Found this one in my 2014 meme stash
A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"
"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."
"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."
Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.
The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.
The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.
The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.
The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."
Politicians go on a vacation
Politicians go on a vacation by bus.
The bus driver gets distracted by the beautiful scenery and drives off a cliff next to a farm.
The following day the police question the farmer:
\- Did you not find any victims?
\- Actually, I did.
\- And where are they?
\- Well, I buried them.
\- Every politician died?!
\- Some of them said they didn't, but I don't believe a word of what they say anymore...
PS: English is my second language so apologies for mistakes.
Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"
Little Bobo gets on the bus and the driver asks him:
- How old are you?
- Seven
- When the conductor comes, say you are six.
- Why?
- They'll let you ride for free.
The conductor comes and asks him:
- How old are you ?
- Six!
- And when do you turn seven?
- As soon as I get off the bus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the c**... out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A POLICEMAN pulls over a speeding car and takes out his little book.
The driver lowers her window.
Policeman: Name, please?
Woman: Freda.
Policeman: Surname?
Woman: Gonow.
Policeman: So you are Freda Gonow.
Woman: Thanks very much , and she takes off!
A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she's pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver's license.
Driver's license? the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.
You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse, the blonde cop explains patiently.
Oh, that! the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, you're free to go…I didn't realize you were a cop!
