drive Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious drive puns

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.





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A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

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My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep one?"

The shepherd has hundreds of sheep and feels confident enough to agree. The redhead looks over the flock and says, "361." The shepherd is stunned that she guessed correctly but, being a man of his word, allows her to pick out her favorite. The redhead is about to put her new pet in her car when the shepherd calls out to her.

"Hey Lady! If I can guess your real hair color, may I have my dog back?"

 

My sister was not amused.

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I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me!

Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.

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Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

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A man gets a phone call from his wife's doctor

Doctor: sir, we've narrowed your wife's illness down to two things. She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS.

Man: Well how are we supposed to know which?

Doctor: Take her for a drive, drop her off 30 minutes from your house and if she comes home don't fuck her.

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I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

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Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

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The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."

"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."

"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"

"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"

She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.

"Who was that?"

"My son."

*gasp* "The doctor??"

"No, the other one."

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

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What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

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I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

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I called the suicide hotline in Iraq...

The dude got all excited and asked me if i could drive a truck

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forgive me father for i have sinned...

... "go on" says the priest.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".
"and this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.
"this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.
"No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.
"Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore"
"Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"
The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

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A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

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A rich guy and a poor guy both have wives with upcoming birthdays ... (NSFW)

The rich guy says: "I'm going to get my wife a Porsche and a diamond ring for her birthday."

Poor guy:"But why?"

The rich guy responds: "Well, if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can just drive down to the jeweler's and return it. So what are you going to get YOUR wife for her birthday?".

Poor guy: "That's easy, a pair of slippers and a dildo."

Rich guy: "But why?"

Poor guy: "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

 

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So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet...

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

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Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:

Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers,
"It's okay boys. He's one of us."

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Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?


Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af


Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

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If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit

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One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

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I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

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A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

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My grandpa told me this one.

So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..."
The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."

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Male Sex Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly

Between 33 and 52: Try weekly

52 and up: Try weakly

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What car does Jesus drive?

A Christler


I'm so sorry...

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I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well.

I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

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What one food reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%?

Wedding cake.

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The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

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My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway...

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies,
"About a gallon "

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Three cowboys (nsfw)

Three cowboys are sitting around a fire boasting about how tough they are.

The cowboy from Oklahoma says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."

The cowboy from New Mexico says, "Yeah? Well I broke up two bulls that were fighting. One popped out my right eye. I picked it up, took it to the doc, and he got me fixed up right. Didn't shed a tear."

The cowboy from Texas sat silently stirring the fire with his dick.

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If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?

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Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"

Him: "No, I hit trees."

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A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."

Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."

Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."

Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."

Driver: "Me neither."

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Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

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Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.

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So, the Pope is super early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally, he's a bit rusty so he's driving poorly when suddenly he sees police lights.

He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope, "Hold on for a minute", and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

"Chief, we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure." "How important? A governor or something?" "No sir, he's bigger." "So what, a celebrity??" "More important, sir." "A major politician???" "No sir, he's much bigger than that." "WELL, WHO THE HELL IS HE????"

"Sir, actually, I'm not sure but the pope's his driver."

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Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.

The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

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In the US people drive on the right side of the road,

but here in Atlanta we drive on what's left.

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A hippy with a bicycle that has a broken chain walks on the side of a road.

A man in a Porsche pulls up next to him and offers him a ride. They try to fit the hippy's bike into the trunk of the man's Porche, but as it is a typical sports car, the trunk is too small for the bike. Then the man has an idea. He says to the hippy, "I have some rope in my trunk, you can tie it to your bike and I'll drive you along. If I'm going to fast, just honk the horn on your bike." The hippy agrees to go along with it and they ride a few miles down the rode. The man in the Porsche pulls up to a stop light next a man in a Lamborghini. They start revving their engine and a race is about to ensue. The light turns green and the man in the Porsche completely forgets about the hippy tied to his car and starts racing the Lamborghini. They're racing and start reaching 80, 90, 100 m.p.h. They pass a cop and when the cop calls the race in he says, "Dispatch you'll never believe what I just saw. I saw a Porsche and a Lamborghini racing down the road at 100 miles per hour, and a hippy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass them."

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Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

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You can say what you want about pedophiles

...but at least they drive slowly around schools and playgrounds.

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The Penguin Joke

So a police officer is parked by the side of the road. He sees a pickup truck drive by and it's full of penguins. The officer flips his siren on and pulls the truck over.

He approaches the window and asks the man, "Sir, what are you doing with these penguins?"

"Well they're my pets, officer," the man replies.

"I'm afraid you'll have to take these animals to the zoo," the officer says, and leaves.

The next day, the police officer is parked in the same spot. He sees the same truck drive by. Now all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He flips the siren on and pulls the truck over.

Upon reaching the window he says, "Sir, I told you to take these animals to the zoo."

"Yes officer, I did," replies the man. "And today I'm taking them to the beach."

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Mom's birthday gifts

3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.

The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."

Jeremy, the second brother, said,"Well I bought mom a penthouse apartment. She always complains about the house she lives in."

Lucas, the third brother, said, "Since mom always complains about not being able to read her bible well due to her poor vision, I bought a parrot that can recite bible verses perfectly!"

3 weeks later, the boys receive a letter from their mother. It read:

"To my 3 dear boys:
Thank you for all your nice gifts. However, I couldn't use the car that Michael gave me because I'm too old to go out anymore and the chauffeur is mean. The new penthouse is nice, but it is too big for me to clean each day and I'm only ever in the bedroom. But Lucas, you did a fine job in choosing a gift. The chicken was delicious."

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A man finds a penguin walking down the street

He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he's doing with the penguin.

"He was just walking down the road," the man said.

"Well, take him to the zoo and I won't give you a ticket for speeding." The man agrees and drives away.

A week later the cop sees the same man drive by and he still has the penguin in the car. He pulls over the car again and says to the man, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!?"

"Yes," the man says, " I did. Today we're going to the movies."

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Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

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A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.

In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

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Women are like snowflakes...

They can't drive.

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Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious

It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

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Two fish are in a tank

Then one of them turns to the other and asks, Do you know how to drive this thing?

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A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night

"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"

"I've had 8 drinks, officer."

"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."

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Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"


The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"


The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."


The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."


The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

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You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles....

But at least they drive slowly past schools

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Drunk driving or...?

A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

-I've had 8 drinks, officer.

-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

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Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

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I drove a girl home...

A girl from work was stressed out that her ride couldn't pick her up, so she asked if I'd drive her home because it was raining heavily and she didn't want to walk home.

I agreed. Well once in the car, we got to talking, mainly about everyday things, what we liked doing, eating, then about work for a bit. With the conversation flowing, we got to her house fairly quick.
She thanked me, went to get out of the car, stopped for a moment, looked at me and whispered, "How the hell did you know where I lived?"

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McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and Β£127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.

With a gun.

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Old sex life.

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to
make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years...
but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'

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To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

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An old woman phones her husband..

An old woman called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's bloody hundreds of them!"

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A snail walks into a car dealership...

And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:

"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"

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A billionaire goes for a drive

... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."

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What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman's sex drive?

Wedding cake.

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My boyfriend and I both drive Hondas.

He's got one of those boxy ones, and mine is a mid-size sedan. And neither of us has our own place, so we mostly end up just having sex inside the car. His is a little bigger, so we usually use his.

Recently, however, he's been wanting to experiment a little bit, and he's saying we should try some things out while having sex on top of his car, instead of inside it.

But if I'm gonna have sex with my boyfriend in a way that's out of his Element, it will have to be on my own Accord.

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Wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car...

She asked me if I could drive :-(


Credit to Legend Rodney Dangerfield

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What do you call a gay drive by?

A fruit-rollup

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The president was being driven to an important meeting that he was running late for...

When he tells his chauffeur that he needs to go faster to get to the meeting on time. The chauffeur says that he's sorry, but can't go over the speed limit. The president can't miss this meeting so he decides to order the chauffeur into the back seat, while hopping behind the wheel to drive himself. Speeding at about ten miles over the limit, he gets pulled over pretty quickly. The young deputy walks over to the car to give the ticket, and without a word comes back to the squad car, his face ghost white. "I'm sorry sir," he tells his superior officer, who's sitting in the passengers seat, "But I can't give the ticket to him. He's much too important." "What?!" he bellows. "I'm the chief of police 'round here!" Who could be so important that we can't give a ticket to him?!" "I don't know sir," the deputy replied, "But the president is his chauffeur!"

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Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''

Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''

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Aids or Alzheimer's

A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."

"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."

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My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

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When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..

..take it out, flip it over and lower again.

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"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still drive my 2002 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

*I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips*

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Say what you will against pedophiles, but at least...

they drive slowly in school zones.

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The pope goes for a cruise

The pope arrives in new york and is getting into his limo when he pauses and asks the driver if he could drive. The driver says of course, you are the pope who am I to tell you no. So the pope is driving around New York with his driver in the back. It's been far too long since since he's been behind the wheel and his driving shows it. His eyes are old and can't see very well, he's swerving in and out of his lane. Inevitably he ends up getting pulled over. The cop comes up to the car sees who's driving and without saying a word slowly turns and walks back to his cruiser. He goes to his partner and says "we've got an extremely important person in the limo." his partner replies "who is it, the mayor?" "Bigger" the cop says. "what like the governor?" "BIGGER" the cop replies again. "It isn't the president, is it?" "I don't know who's in the back, but whoever it is has the fucking pope driving them around!"

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

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I like my girls the same way I like my coffee.

Hot as fuck and all over my crotch while I am trying to drive.

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Talking Clock

So I was out the other night with a mate. We met at a pub, had a couple of drinks and went clubbing. About 3am, we stumble out, both of us completely plastered. My friend, who's struggling to stand up, offers me a place to sleep at his flat - just a 5 minute walk. Being somewhat on the floor myself, knowing I couldn't drive, I agreed and we walked back.

We slowly went up the stairs and into his flat. He told me over and over he just got it, spent a lot of money on it and was living the high life. As he collapsed on the sofa, in an attempt to pull out the bed, I took a walk around. Nice place, good furniture. All of a sudden, I noticed a massive gong sat in the corner of the room.

"Why do you have a gong in your room?" I asked.

"It's not a gong, mate. That's, that's a talking clock."

"A talking clock?"

"A talking clock," he repeated.

"It's made of metal and wood. How does it talk?"

"You just smash it and it tells the time."

I called bullshit at first. However, he insisted. He stood up, handed me a large hammer and gave me a smile.

I gripped it tight and with all my drunken force, I swung it into the gong. A massive 'BOOOOUNNNGG' followed soon after. I waited for a minute. Then, all of a sudden, I heard from next door, "What the fuck do you think you're doing? It's 4 in the fucking morning!"

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A man at a fancy restaurant noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table.

Suddenly she sneezed, causing her glass eye to pop out and fly toward him. The man caught it mid-air.

"I'm so sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner."

After charming dinner conversation, the woman offered to drive the man home.

The man was flattered. "You're the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she responded. "You just happened to catch my eye!"

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Difference between men and women

Julie didn't come home one night. When her husband Tom asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house.

Tom was a bit suspicious so he called her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.

The following week Tom didn't come home one night. Julie asks him where he'd been. So Tom says he got a bit drunk at a friend's place and thought it was safer not to drive but crash out there.

Julie thinks he's been "fooling around" so rings his ten best mates.

All ten of them say he spent the night there and six claim he's still there.

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Guy goes golfing with his wife

An avid golf fan took his wife golfing, and was having the game of his life. They got to the 17th hole, a short par 4, and he hits his drive way left. When he finds his ball, it's behind a large shed that stands directly between the ball and the green.

Dismayed, he decides to lay up and hit a chip shot back into the fairway to go for bogey. Right before he hits, his wife comes up and says, "Wait wait, this shed has big double doors on each side! We can just open up both sides and you can hit your shot right through the shed and up onto the green!"

Encouraged by this idea, he takes the shot. The ball bounces off the front of the shed, hits his wife in the head and tragically kills her.

Years later, this guy plays this same course again, this time with a few of his buddies, and is once again having another once in a lifetime type of game. On the 17th hole, remembering what happened the last time, he nervously tees off and is heartbroken to see his ball follow a nearly identical path as the last time he played. He gets up to the ball and it's almost in the same spot, so he lines up to chip it back into the fairway. His buddy runs up and says, "Wait wait, this shed has big double doors on each side! We can just open up both sides and you can hit your shot right through the shed and up onto the green!"

The guy stares at him and says, "no way. last time I tried that, I triple bogeyed!"

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What kind of car does a Weeaboo drive?

A Nii-san

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Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says

"How do you drive this thing?"

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I called a suicide prevention line.

It connected me to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal and they asked if I could drive a truck.

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One of my grandpa's better jokes

An old man is walking along the beach one day when suddenly God appears and says to the man, "You know, you've been a good man and faithful to me all your life. I'm going to grant you one wish. What would you like?"

The man thought about it and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there any time I want."

God said, "I can't do that, there would be too many problems. Where would I even get all the steel from? Think of something else."

So the man says, "Lord, I've been married and divorced 4 times. All 4 of my wives made me feel like I was doing everything wrong when I thought I was right. Help me understand women."

God replies, "You want two lanes or four?"

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Have you heard like 50% of Chinese people have cataracts?

Yeah, I guess the other 50% drive "rincoln towncah".

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Why can't Helen Keller drive?

She's dead

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It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it's my turn to drive

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A chemistry professor is giving his final exam...

... he says on the friday before the final, "If you miss the final you have to have a great excuse for missing the final next monday." Two students decide to study together all weekend so all friday night they study, all saturday morning and night they study, then they study all sunday morning and decide, "We've been studing all that we can study, let's go out and relax for a while." They drive 150 miles to the next town, they get drunk and pass out later sunday night. They woke up late monday morning and realized they missed their test. They drive back and tell the profesor, "We had a flat tire and couldn't get it fix and that is why we are late." The profesor agrees that having a flat tire is a legitimate excuse. He then proceeds to put them in two seperate rooms and hands them the new test they have to retake. First question: (5 points out of 100) What is the chemical compound for sugar? "That's an easy question" the one student says. He goes and answers the question. Second question: (95 points out of 100) Which tire was flat?

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Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts?

The other 20% drive Mercedes

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My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...

We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."

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A guy walks into a welfare office...

to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

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Everything is bigger in Texas

A Texan man was driving thru rural NSW with his Aussie chaperone when they passed a cornfield.

'You know back where I am from in Texas our cornfields are ten times larger then that' scoffs the Texan.

Next they drive past a couple of barns.

'You know back where I am from in Texas our barns are ten times larger then that'

They continue along when they pass an open field with kangaroos jumping about.

'What do you call those things' asks the shocked Texan.

The Aussie chaperone replies 'don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?'

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A black guy and a white girl hookup at a club...

And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued to stab her 5 times and steal her purse.

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Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "How do you drive this?"

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Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could drive!

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NSFW Nearly humped a ladyboy

In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!

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If you don't like the way women drive,

Stay off the sidewalk.

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On their first date, a man asked his gal if she'd like a drink.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.



Later, he offered her a cigarette.



"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.



On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.



"Okay," his date replied.



"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.



"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.' "

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A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer

when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish." The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me". After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes the Lord said, "How many lanes you want on that bridge? "

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A driver was swerving all over the road...

... then was pulled over by a police officer. The police officer knocked on the door and said,

"Sir, please blow into this machine"

"Sorry officer, I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because I have asthma, and it might trigger an asthma attack"

"Okay, could we get a blood sample then?"

"Sorry officer, I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because I have diabetes, and it might upset my blood sugar level"

"Okay, then just step outside your car and walk in a straight line"

"Sorry officer, I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk"

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A Man Is Driving Down a Highway, When He Sees a Priest Hitchhiking

So, being a good catholic, he picks him up. They drive a bit further down the highway, when the man then spots a well-known lawyer hitchhiking as well. Remembering that this man represented his ex wife during their divorce, an impulse of anger causes him to aim his car right at the lawyer. He then recalls the priest in his car, and at the last minute, swerves to miss him. The man then turns to the priest and says, "Father, forgive me, I nearly hit that lawyer!"

The Priest responds with, "Don't worry, my son, I got him with the door!"

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I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift…

But I couldn't find a manual…

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A German truck driver is sitting in a Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are.

He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days."

A drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in Hamburg and make it back to Liverpool the same day!'

German man, gives a sarcastic laugh and replies 'Oh yeah old man, what rig were you driving?'

Old fella replies 'a fucking Lancaster Bomber!!'

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"Speeding"

Tom is cruising down the highway way over the speed limit. Cop pulls him over.
"Sorry officer, guess the speedometer got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and try to drive home."
"What?! You're intoxicated?"
"Well I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It's okay though, I managed to fit the body in the trunk."
"Sir, keep your hands where I can see them. Give me your license and registration right now."
"Well I would but it's in the glove box where I threw the gun, it's still pretty bloody and I don't want it to fall out until it's dried."
"Do. Not. Move. I'm calling for back-up."
Back-up gets there. Second officer gets out, and says
"Sir, please open your trunk."
Tom opens it. Clean as a whistle.
"Please show me your glove box."
Tom opens it. Clean as a whistle, along with his license and registration.
"I'll need you to take a breathalyzer."
Tom blows a .00
"Well what's going on? This officer said you had a dead body in the trunk, a bloody gun in the glove box and were drunk."
Tom says,
"Ha, I bet he said I was speeding, too."

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A man and his wife go to a class reunion.....

A man and his wife go to a class reunion after a grueling 4 hour drive. When they arrive they're given name tags and head to the gymnasium.


They start talking to some friends when the wife is starting to get thirsty. So she asks the husband to go get in line to give her some punch.


He returns after 10 minutes with one empty cup, and when the wife asks about her drink the husband replies,


"Sorry honey, the punchline was too long and it wasn't that good"

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50% of Japanese doctors have Cataracts...

The other 50% drive Rincolns.

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I hate when I'm driving and I see people text and drive.

It makes me want to throw my beer can at them.

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Israeli tourist

An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

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I called the suicide hotline in Iraq.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Say all the bad things you want about pedophiles

But at least they drive slowly through school zones.

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Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

How do you drive this thing

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how big is Jared fogel's sex drive?

bout 5.6TB

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Three men get their wives birthday presents.

The first man, a lawyer, tells the other men I got my wife a trip to the Bahamas and a pearl necklace. She loves pearls, so if she doesn't enjoy the trip, I know she'll like the necklace.

The second man, a doctor, says I got my wife a brand new 2017 BMW and a Louis Vuitton handbag she's had her eye on. If she doesn't drive the car much, I know she'll love that handbag.

The third man, a trucker, tells the others I got my wife a Metallica t-shirt and a dildo. If she doesn't like the t-shirt, she can go fuck herself.

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There is a sign in my town that reads "DRIVE SLOW AUTISTIC CHILD"

First of all, he has a name.
Secondly, if he has his license he should know good and well how to drive and there is no need to single him out like that.

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Two conjoined twins walks into a pub

The bartender is amazed: "You're not from around here"
The siamese on the left side:"No, we're french, every summer, we come to the UK, rent a car and start a road trip"
"So, you really seem to like the country?"
"Not that much, but once a year, my brother can drive".

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Man speeding a BMW..

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100. Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, it's Friday the 13th, and I don't want to do any paperwork. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained.

The shelter told her the bird lived in a whorehouse for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."ο»Ώ

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A black guy, a white guy, and an asian guy are speeding

They get pulled over by a cop, who decides to humor them. They won't get a ticket if their penis sizes add up to 20 inches. The black guy's dick is 10 inches, the white guy's is 9 inches, and the asian guy's is 1 inch. As they drive away, the black guy says "you're lucky my dick was 10 inches", the white guy says" you're lucky my dick is 9 inches" and the asian says "you're lucky I had a boner."

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Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?

'Scurvy

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If I die...

If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It's all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It's new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"





"No. She's left-handed."

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I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places.

It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours

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A man goes to confession to tell the priest he used a terrible word.

The priest asks him what happened.

The man says he was playing golf and hit a beautiful drive, but it sliced into the woods.

The priest asks, is that when you said the bad word, and the man says , no Father, the ball hit a tree and ricocheted out of the woods but went into a sand trap and the priest says oh, I see, so that's when you said the bad word and the man says no father, the ball hit a rake and bounced onto the green within a foot of the cup

And the priest slaps his forehead and yells DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT!

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I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of mine said, I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?


She did, I replied, But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!

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Beer must contain Estrogen...

When I drink enough, I can't drive or shut the hell up.

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My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

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As told by the 80-something year-old man at golf league.

My wife and I were driving home from dinner one night when I hit a small animal. "Pull over and see if it's all right." my wife insisted. Turns out that I had hit a baby skunk. My wife, an animal lover, picked up the hurt baby skunk and told me to drive to the animal hospital. As we were driving, she noticed the baby skunk was cold and shaking.

"What should I do?" she asked.

"Put the baby skunk between your legs, it's warm there.", I told her.

"But what about the smell?" she asked.

"Oh don't worry, he'll get used to it."

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Two friends are driving along the road

When they see a goat with its head stuck in a fence. They pull over, and the driver gets out, goes over to goat pulls down his pants and fucks the goat. When he is done he gets back in the car and the passenger turns to him and says "you know, that actually looks like a lot of fun." The drive tells him to go give it a shot. So the passenger gets out, walks over to the goat and sticks his head in the fence.

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Two guys were leaving the strip club...

Jim and John were out of one dollar bills, and it was very late.

"Oh no", John say's - "the wife is gonna kill me. When I'm out too late, I park a block away, take me shoes off in the drive way, use my oiled key in the lock, take off my clothes in the living room, tip-toe upstairs, hold my breath and slide into bed without making a sound, but my wife still manages to wake up and doesn't stop screaming and nagging until morning."

"Well", says Jim, "you're doing it wrong. When I've been out late drinking, I screech the tires turning into the driveway, toot the horn to let her know I'm home, walk in thru the garage, stomp up the stairs, turn on every light in the house, blast the TV, walk in and slap my wife on the ass and say, 'Hey beautiful. let's make love' "

"And she not mad?" asks John

"Naw, she pretends she's asleep just to spite me"

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Wealthy woman wants a divorce. NSFW

A wealthy woman tells her mother, I'm divorcing David! I can't take it anymore. All he wants is anal sex, and now my asshole is the size of a 50 cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel!

The mother says, You're married to a multimillionaire, you have an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, have a $2,000 a week allowance, take six vacations a year, and you want to throw that away over 45 cents?!

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Two fish are in a tank...

Suddenly, one turns to the other and says:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

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A rich man and a poor man are talking on Christmas Eve

The rich man tell the poor man

"I got my wife a brand new Mercedes Benz and a set of diamond earring this year."

And the poor man asks "why did you get her these things?"

The rich man says "because If she doesn't like the earrings, she can drive the Mercedes to the jeweler to return them and still be happy".

The rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife this year.

The poor man says "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich man laughs and asks why he got her these things.

The poor man says "cause if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself"

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On a limo driver's first day at work...

He was commisioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.

"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."

The Pope took the wheel with the limo driver sitting in the back seat. He drove like an expert, taking sharp turns easily. The Pope, not wanting to be late for his flight, didn't realize how fast he was going. Soon the red and blue lights flashed behind him.

"It will be okay, son." The Pope reassured the limo driver, who was nervous about getting fired.
The police officer walked up to the driver's side. The Pope lowered the window, to the officer's surprise.

"Uh, do you know how fast you were going, your Holiness?"

"I didn't mean to, sir. It won't happen again."

The officer let the him off with a warning. He then called into dispatch.

"Any problems, officer?"

"No, ma'am...just stopped a really important person."

"How important?"

"Im not sure, but his driver was the Pope!"

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Why didn't anyone drive stick in Soviet Russia?

They were afraid of Stalin.

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A car is pulled over by the police....

"Is there a problem officer?"
Cop: You were swerving a lot back there
"Well I had 8 beers officer,"
Cop: We'll that's no excuse to let your wife drive

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Lately my husband has started pissing with the door open.

Do you have any idea how disgusting that is when you're trying to drive.

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A couple got into an argument...

A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.

As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:

"Relatives of yours?"

The man replied:

"In-laws."

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How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive west.

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My drivers license says I'm an organ donor,

but jokes on them because I own a piano.

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The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house

And I thought to myself "that could've been me"

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

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A woman tells her husband she was diagnosed with cancer.

Her husband tells he's very sad and sorry for her. Once they get to bed, the wife asks:
'Honey, when I'll be... dead, will you marry someone else?' The husband thinks for a while. 'No.'
'Why not? Don't you like being married?' 'If you want me to, then yes.' 'Will she sleep in my part of the bed?' she asks mournfully. 'I guess she will.' answers the husband. 'Will you replace all my photos?' 'Of course not, I'll keep the ones I love most.' 'Will she drive my car?' 'No, she doesn't have a driver's licence.'

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A man is taking his son to buy his first car...

The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."

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A police officer stops a driver...

A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."

The guy replies, "I have contacts".

The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"

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Two guys died in a car crash...

There were these two friends, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time." St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven. Now it was the second man's turn. St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied,"here's a picture of my wife, and I never cheated on her." St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven. After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your wife on a skateboard."

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Pedophiles may be bad people...

... but at least they drive slow through the school zones

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Are you aware....

Are you aware that 80% of asians have Cataracts.

The rest drive Rincolns.

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What do you drive in the fall?

An Autumn-mobile.

I came up with this when I was six :)

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So the pope is SUPER EARLY for his flight


He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

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What are the best Drive puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Drive? Well, here are the best jokes about Drive to have fun with.

Joko Jokes