Drive Jokes

190 drive jokes and hilarious drive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laughter on the road! Learn how to lighten up your drive with these hilarious jokes about learning to drive, 4 wheel drive, hard drive, flash drive, blood drive, long drive, drunk and drive, swerving with a Chrysler, and more! No matter what kind of car you drive, you'll surely get a kick out of these Toyota-tinged gags.

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Funniest Drive Short Jokes

Short drive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drive humour may include short cars jokes also.

  1. My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
  2. What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
  3. As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back. And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."
  4. While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
  5. My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver
  6. With the rise of self-driving vehicles... With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too
  7. I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me! Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.
  8. With the way I see asian people driving, it got me thinking... Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
  9. Please becareful on the road Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive
  10. What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait.. He drove a Honda.
    But he didn't like talking about it.
    John 12:49 :
    > For I did not speak of my own Accord.

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Drive One Liners

Which drive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drive? I can suggest the ones about drove and vehicle.

  1. A lion would never drive while drunk. But a tiger wood.
  2. Why does spiderman hate driving with his evil twin? Because he's a bad parallel Parker
  3. I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift. But I couldn't find a manual.
  4. What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild? A $100 bill.
  5. My friend text me 'what are you doing now?' I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.
  6. Which actor drives the least? Christopher Walken
  7. What car does Jesus drive? A Christler
    I'm so sorry...
  8. Apparently I snore so loudly that I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.
  9. When a BMW owner learns to drive... What kind of car do they switch to?
  10. If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?
  11. Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?" Him: "No, I hit trees."
  12. What ruined Tiger Woods' golf career? His driving game.
  13. Women are like snowflakes... They can't drive.
  14. I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn't find a manual.
  15. Asians are sooo bad at driving.... I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

Hard Drive Jokes

Here is a list of funny hard drive jokes and even better hard drive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it... One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"
  • The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment, when they discover a hard drive labelled KGB . One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?
  • Me: Boss, I'm sorry I am late. I was having computer issues. Boss: Hard drive?
    Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
  • Hey girl, are you a computer? Because you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
  • Why does the Toyota Prius have more accidents on record than any other car? It's really hard to drive safe while patting yourself on the back.
  • Why was the computer mad when he got home? It had a hard drive
  • I was driving around in my tricycle all day I worked it so hard, it lost a wheel. The tricycle is two tired now.
  • Me: Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues. Boss: Hard drive?
    Me: The commute was fine. It's my laptop.
  • Why was the computer late? Because it had a hard drive
  • So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)

Drunk And Drive Jokes

Here is a list of funny drunk and drive jokes and even better drunk and drive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
    Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
    Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car
  • I had a few drinks last night so I left my car and took a bus instead Turns out I can't drive a bus very well when I'm drunk either
  • Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk? Because their wives are driving.
  • Dark humor is like drunk driving It kills when you cross over the line.
  • I was drunk, the landlord of the pub told me to take a bus home Turns out, I wasn't fit to drive that either.
  • Driving high versus driving drunk: Drunks run stop signs. Stoners stop and wait for them to turn green.
  • LPT: Be careful driving on New Years Eve A lot of men will be drunk, so their wives and girlfriends will be the ones driving.
  • I just realized it's much safer to drive drunk Because you see the street signs twice and you don't miss them.
  • I drove home drunk last night.. find my girlfriend waiting at the door.
    She yelled Why are you driving half drunk?
    I said, I'm sorry, I ran out of money
  • A lot of people text while driving. I'm not excusing it, but we've all done things we regret while we're drunk.
Drive joke, A lot of people text while driving.

Long Drive Jokes

Here is a list of funny long drive jokes and even better long drive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy? An empty toilet paper roll.
  • Now that vehicles are driving themselves... It won't be long until a country singer writes a song about their truck leaving them too.
  • It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips So now I only let her do it when it's my turn to drive
  • With self-driving cars it won't be long before we have country songs where your truck leaves you too.
  • Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy? A $100 dollar bill.
  • My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD. Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.
  • My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD. I hear voices, but not for long enough to drive me insane.
  • What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy? A hundred dollar bill.
  • How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv? Depends how many people are pushing.
  • What's 6 in long, 2 in wide and drives women wild? $100

Drive Safe Jokes

Here is a list of funny drive safe jokes and even better drive safe puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
    I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."
  • It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now, But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
  • Drive safe I saw a driver texting and driving.
    It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.
  • People are always asking me, "When are you going to learn to drive?" I don't think they feel very safe in my taxi.
  • My dad drove my mom to the hospital when her water broke. He drived safely all the way there, but they ended up having an accident anyways.
  • I saw a BMW driving safely and being respectful of other drivers today. That was the joke.
  • Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking Which means our women will be driving
  • I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.
  • Atoms Have Mass? I didn't know they were Catholic...
    Thank you. Please drive home safely.

Learning To Drive Jokes

Here is a list of funny learning to drive jokes and even better learning to drive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test... ...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.
  • Why did the Siamese twins move to England? So the other one could learn to drive.
    Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".
  • I'm upset. I'm two years into engineering school and... I haven't even started learning how to drive a train
  • Remember, men, when your wife declares her intention to learn how to drive, Don't stand in her way.
  • My Dog is always chasing people in cars I'm not gonna stop him, but I'm just confused about how he learned to drive
  • When I was a teenager, I had to learn how to drive a stick. We couldn't afford a car.
  • I just learned that half of Asian-Americans have cataracts. The other half drive a Rincoln.
  • If your friend wants to learn to drive.. ..don't stand in the way.
    Brought to you by my fortune cookie 🥠
  • Joseph never learned how to drive a stick shift. He kept Stalin.
  • I hit every traffic light coming home from work today. I should probably learn how to drive better.
Drive joke, I hit every traffic light coming home from work today.

Heartwarming Drive Jokes that Make You Laugh

What funny jokes about drive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rides jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drive pranks.

I called a s**... hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Two conjoined twins walks into a pub

The bartender is amazed: "You're not from around here"
The siamese on the left side:"No, we're french, every summer, we come to the UK, rent a car and start a road trip"
"So, you really seem to like the country?"
"Not that much, but once a year, my brother can drive".

The dent

"I noticed you've got a dent on your car?"
"Oh. Did you drink too much last evening?"
"Yes, I did."
"I see. So your wife had to drive you home?"

A man is taking his son to buy his first car...

The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."

Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.

The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."

Water p**...

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water p**.... He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''
Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''

Aids or Alzheimer's

A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."
"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have s**... with her."

I almost killed my whole family

I almost killed my whole family last night, but eventually chose not to let my wife drive.

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.
In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

Have you heard like 50% of Chinese people have cataracts?

Yeah, I guess the other 50% drive "rincoln towncah".

If I die...

If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.
"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It's all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It's new, so yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No. She's left-handed."

Are you aware....

Are you aware that 80% of asians have Cataracts.
The rest drive Rincolns.

A snail walks into a car dealership...

And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:
"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"

My wife said she wanted to have s**... in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

What one food reduces a woman's s**... drive by 90%?

Wedding cake.

A recent study revealed that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts.

The rest drive Rincons and Chevrorays.

If you don't like the way women drive,

Stay off the sidewalk.

I hate when I'm driving and I see people text and drive.

It makes me want to throw my beer can at them.

I called a s**... prevention line.

It connected me to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal and they asked if I could drive a truck.

Really hate having to wait till September to drive my new car.

Shouldn't have bought an autumnobile.

I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places.

It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and £127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.
With a gun.

A car is pulled over by the police....

"Is there a problem officer?"
Cop: You were swerving a lot back there
"Well I had 8 beers officer,"
Cop: We'll that's no excuse to let your wife drive

50% of Japanese doctors have Cataracts...

The other 50% drive Rincolns.

A police officer stops a driver...

A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"

My drivers license says I'm an o**... donor,

but jokes on them because I own a piano.

how big is Jared fogel's s**... drive?

bout 5.6TB

Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?


A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

A black guy and a white girl hookup at a club...

And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued to stab her 5 times and steal her purse.

A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained.

The shelter told her the bird lived in a w**... for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."

A r**...'s father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house

And I thought to myself "that could've been me"
Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

Q: What food diminishes a woman's s**... drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.

Pedophiles may be bad people...

... but at least they drive slow through the school zones

My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

A couple got into an argument...

A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.
As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:
"Relatives of yours?"
The man replied:

A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night

"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"
"I've had 8 drinks, officer."
"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."

Wife told me she wants to have s**... in the back of the car...

She asked me if I could drive :-(

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well.

I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

What do you call a gay drive by?

A fruit-rollup

Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts?

The other 20% drive Mercedes

When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..

..take it out, flip it over and lower again.

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation."

In the US people drive on the right side of the road,

but here in Atlanta we drive on what's left.

There is a sign in my town that reads "DRIVE SLOW AUTISTIC CHILD"

First of all, he has a name.
Secondly, if he has his license he should know good and well how to drive and there is no need to single him out like that.

My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...

We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."

A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

They told me to drive it like I stole it

So I stayed at the speed limit, followed the road rules and paid attention to my surroundings

Israeli tourist

An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"b**..., that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's f**... herself again

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of mine said, I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?
She did, I replied, But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!

My relationship with my chauffer just isn't going anywhere.

It feels like he's always trying to drive me away.

What do you drive in the fall?

An Autumn-mobile.
I came up with this when I was six :)

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could drive!

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

She's dead

Male s**... Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly
Between 33 and 52: Try weekly
52 and up: Try weakly

What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman's s**... drive?

Wedding cake.

How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive west.

What kind of car does a Weeaboo drive?

A Nii-san

Two fish are in a tank

Then one of them turns to the other and asks, Do you know how to drive this thing?

o**... wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:
"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

Drive joke, o**... wrote on his FB status:

jokes about drive