Drive Jokes

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

I called a s**... hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.

In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

A snail walks into a car dealership...

And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:

"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"

My wife said she wanted to have s**... in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

What one food reduces a woman's s**... drive by 90%?

Wedding cake.

Women are like snowflakes...

They can't drive.

What car does Jesus drive?

A Christler

I'm so sorry...

I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and £127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.

With a gun.

If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

Q: What food diminishes a woman's s**... drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?

Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af

Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night

"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"

"I've had 8 drinks, officer."

"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."

Wife told me she wants to have s**... in the back of the car...

She asked me if I could drive :-(

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:

Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well.

I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

What do you call a gay drive by?

A fruit-rollup

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

In the US people drive on the right side of the road,

but here in Atlanta we drive on what's left.

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's f**... herself again

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.

The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

Male s**... Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly

Between 33 and 52: Try weekly

52 and up: Try weakly

What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman's s**... drive?

Wedding cake.

Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"

Him: "No, I hit trees."

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me!

Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.

Two fish are in a tank

Then one of them turns to the other and asks, Do you know how to drive this thing?

o**... wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.

Do you know how to drive this thing?

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.

Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"

Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."

Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.

My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver

To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,

don't let him steer that cargo freighter,

don't let him near that cargo freighter,

early in the morning.

When a BMW owner learns to drive...

What kind of car do they switch to?

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?

U r a bus

3 men were waiting in line to enter heaven

The angel at the gate asks the first man
"how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "10 times" the man answers. The angel gives him the keys to a 2010 Toyota Camry "this is how you will drive around heaven".
The second man says he cheated on his wife 5 times, the angel gives him a 2018 Lexus and let's him in.
The third man says he never cheated on his wife, he gets a 2021 Rolls Royce.

A few days later the 3 men meet and the man in the Rolls Royce is very sad, the men ask him what's wrong, he replys "I just saw my wife riding around on a scooter.

A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.

A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.

"My beautiful BMW! The g**... door was torn right off!"

The police officer rolls his eyes and says "You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn't even notice your left arm was torn off in the c**...."

The man looks down at the b**... stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, "*My Rolex!*"

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.

Thing is, I couldn't find a manual.

The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the President of the United States".

A Mechanical Engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent...

..are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire. The purchasing agent says

"We need to buy a new tire"

the mechanical engineer says

"no, I think I can fix this one"

and the software engineer says,

"let's drive on it for a while, maybe it'll fix itself."

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says I used to date that guy before I met you

Bill laughs and laughs and says wow, imagine where you'd be if you would've married that guy!

Hillary looks back at Bill and says I'd be married to the President of the United States

~ Courtesy of my father

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main c**...," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve c**...."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man jumped out the plane, and pulled on the main c**.... Nothing happened. He pulled on the reserve c**.... Nothing happened.

He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast, and said: "I bet that bus won't be there to pick me up either."

"Drive that thing like you stole it!"

One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"

Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.

To which my Dad replied, "Trust me, Sweetie. If he stole a car, he'd be driving the speed limit, using his turn signals, stopping at red lights, and heading home as soon as possible to avoid the attention of the cops."

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.

A police officer stops him and says that he can't just drive around with the penguins in the car and that he should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says,

"Hey! I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

On the first test drive of my guitar-shaped car, I had a c**....

A real Fender bender.

Why can't cats drive boats in Germany?

Because it's Fur Boatin'

What kind of car did Mr. Miyagi drive?

Focus, Daniel-san

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says:

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Two soldiers are in a tank, one turns to the other and says:

"Blublublublublublublub!"

Why did the siamese twins go to London?

So that the other one can drive as well.

My buddy has a sign in his driveway that says "Chevy parking only". I drive a Grand Caravan.

Needless to say, I've been Dodging the guy.

Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"

Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

If I died before you, would you remarry?

Yes, I think I would.

So you'd let another man sleep in my bed?

Well, yes.

Drive my car?

Yes, I suppose.

Use my golf clubs?

Oh, no. He's left-handed.