The Best 63 Drive Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Drive jokes. There are some drive sex drive jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these drive driving blonde puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Drive Jokes and Puns

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Drive joke, I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''

Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''


Aids or Alzheimer's

A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."

"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.

In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

Drive joke, A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxe

A snail walks into a car dealership...

And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:

"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"

My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

What one food reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%?

Wedding cake.

Women are like snowflakes...

They can't drive.

You can explore drive toyota reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean drive driving to chicago dad jokes. There are also drive puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What car does Jesus drive?

A Christler

I'm so sorry...

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles....

But at least they drive slowly past schools

I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and £127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.

With a gun.

Drive joke, McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...

If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"


My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

Say what you will against pedophiles, but at least...

they drive slowly in school zones.

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.

You can say what you want about pedophiles

...but at least they drive slowly around schools and playgrounds.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?

Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af

Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night

"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"

"I've had 8 drinks, officer."

"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."

Wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car...

She asked me if I could drive :-(

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:

Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well.

I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

What do you call a gay drive by?

A fruit-rollup

When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..

..take it out, flip it over and lower again.

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

In the US people drive on the right side of the road,

but here in Atlanta we drive on what's left.

A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."

Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."

Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."

Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."

Driver: "Me neither."

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.

The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

Male Sex Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly

Between 33 and 52: Try weekly

52 and up: Try weakly

What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman's sex drive?

Wedding cake.

Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"

Him: "No, I hit trees."

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me!

Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.

Two fish are in a tank

Then one of them turns to the other and asks, Do you know how to drive this thing?

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.

Do you know how to drive this thing?

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.

Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"

Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."

Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.

My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

Me: Boss, I'm sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.

If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen...

...does that make it an Edison?

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver

To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.

Why was the computer late?

Because it had a hard drive

Two fish in a tank

One turns to the other and says, do you know how to drive this thing

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says,

"How do you drive this thing?"

Two soldiers are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "BLUGHGLGHGBGBHB"

Why did tiger quit golf?

He lost the ability to drive

The #1 cause for accidents in Georgia is deer.

Which is crazy to me since they can't drive.

What kind of car did Jesus drive

A Christ-ler.

Two guys who just met at a training class are driving through the city looking for a place to have lunch.

The guy driving is running every red light. The other guy is starting to freak out and says, "Dude?! What the hell are you doing going through those red lights??" The guy driving says, "Its okay, my brother in law does it all the time." The passenger says, "Well its not okay with me, let me out up here!" They drive a little further up the road and the driver stops at a green light. The passenger says, "Why are you stopped? The light is green." The driver says, "My brother in law might be coming through."

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,

don't let him steer that cargo freighter,

don't let him near that cargo freighter,

early in the morning.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the drive convertible jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working drive drunk driving piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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