Drinking Wine Jokes

113 drinking wine jokes and hilarious drinking wine puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drinking wine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Drinking Wine Short Jokes

Short drinking wine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drinking wine humour may include short wine tasting jokes also.

  1. I bought a bottle of wine But I was worried I might drop it on the way home so I decided to drink it.
    It's a good thing I did, I fell of my bike 8 times.
  2. I bought my cat a box of wine... The selfish rascal only wanted to play with the box! Also, it turns out I have a serious drinking problem and no cat.
  3. Three UDP packets walk into a bar The first says "I'll have a beer"
    The third says "I'll have a whisky"
    The second says "I'll have wine"
    The barman asks what they want to drink
  4. So a Cop pulls over a Priest... Cop: Have you had anything to drink today?
    Priest: Just water.
    Cop: Then why does it smell like wine in here?
    Priest: Dear Lord, he's done it again!
  5. What's the difference between a religion and a cult? A religion drinks wine and a cult drinks Kool-Aid.
  6. My girlfriend roleplays as my mother a lot I keep disappointing her while she drinks more wine
  7. Quitting drinking's been a lot easier ever since I became friends with the Antichrist Hard to get buzzed someone turns all your wine into water...
  8. Just got back from the doctor, he said I should drink more wine. Well he actually said less beer , but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.
  9. A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them. They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.
  10. If you had a choice between drinking wine or being skinny what would you choose? Red or white?

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Drinking Wine One Liners

Which drinking wine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drinking wine? I can suggest the ones about drinking alcohol and drinking.

  1. What kind of wine do horses drink? Chardonneigh.
  2. What kind of wine do horses drink? Caberneigh
  3. Why didn't Isaac Newton drink wine? He knew better than to drink and derive.
  4. What kind of wine does a horse drink? A chardo-neigh.
  5. Jesus turned water into wine Now I drink it to make a 6 look like a 9
  6. Why do priests always drink the cheapest sacrimental wine? Because it's God swill.
  7. I lost my job as a wine taster. I was fired for not drinking on the job.
  8. I only drink water the way jesus intended it to be drunk Like wine
  9. Why doesn't Marty McFly drink wine? Too many Tannens.
  10. What kind of wine does ISIS drink? White Infidel.
  11. What do you call it when you have midlife crisis and excessively drink red wine? UB40
  12. What did the ISIS member yell at his wife when he caught her drinking wine? Zinfandel!!!
  13. What does a Tiger say after drinking two bottles of wine? Theeyyyrree grape!
  14. What does a baby do when it doesn't get its favorite alcoholic drink? It wines.
  15. Why did Timmy drink all the communion wine? He wanted to be filled with the holy spirit.

Drinking Wine Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about drinking wine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wine jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drinking wine pranks.

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

A salesmen rang a house doorbell and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine.
The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?"
The kid replied: "What does it look like?"

The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.

A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.
The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"
The priest replied, "Only water, officer."
The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."

I'm a wine enthusiast.
The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.

If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.

Welcome to Twitter - if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine one will be assigned to you.

My wine drinking is merely functional... My personality is better with a little marinade.

I drink straight out a of the wine bottle while cooking. I think that's what they mean by reducing it.

Jesus likes to drink wine.

As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The rice, for Christ's sake."

It's a miracle!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

a man walks into a bar & orders nine glasses of wine...

the bartender starts to pour them but can't keep up with how fast the man is drinking them! he says "sir, if I may ask, why are you drinking like this?" he replies "you'd be drinking this way if you had what I have." the bartender looking shocked asked "sir, what is it you have??" he replies "a dollar".

Dinner with my wife

I took my (now ex) wife to dinner to "celebrate" yet another anniversary. After drinking quite a bit I raised my glass and said:
"I love you and I can't imagine life without you"
She asked "Is that you or the wine talking?" and I told her
"That's me talking to the wine"

Took a Cab Home

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.

A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.

It's a Miracle, I tell yeah!

A police officer notices a car swerving on the freeway, so he pulls it over. As he walks up to the car he notices the driver is a priest.
"Anything to drink today, father?", the officer asks.
"No, just water", replies the priest.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?, rebutted the officer.
The father looks at the officer with wide open eyes and replies in astonishment," SWEET JESUS! I can't believe it! He's done it again!! IT'S A MIRACLE! "

A man buys his wife a bottle of wine.

As she's drinking it, she stops and says, "I love you. I don't know what I'd do without you."
The husband, jokingly, asks, "is that you talking or the wine?"
She replies, "it's me talking... to the wine."

Priest DUI

So a priest is driving along, swerving a bit and gets pulled over, the officer asks him 'have you had anything to drink tonight father' to which the priest replies 'only water' the officer then points out a empty bottle of wine in the passenger seat, the priest then shouts 'Jesus Christ! He's done it again!'

Preacher gets pulled over.

The officer asks for ID, when he says
"what have you had to drink tonight?"
The preacher replies
"Only water, sir."
The officer insists "I distinctly smell wine on your breath!"
The preacher, with a confident retort, says
"d**..., he's done it again."

Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "

Chrysippus death joke

while watching a donkey eat some figs, he exclaimed
"Now give the donkey a drink of pure wine to wash down the figs!"
and died in the subsequent fit of laughter.

Praying for a parking space..

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.

I love drinking wine.

It's my Riesling for being.

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."

A cop pulls over a reverend

The Reverend rolls down the window and asks: What's the problem Officer?
The cop replies with: Reverend have you been drinking?
The Reverend is fumbled and says : No Officer, just water.
Cop smirks and says : Why do I smell wine?
The Reverend exclaims and says: Good Lord he's done it again!

I got chatting with a girl in a bar....

"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that!" she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later, we kissed and cuddled and headed back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out!"

105 Year Old Mae

Her granddaughter asked her how she lived so long, Mae replied "For better digestion, I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure, I drink Scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps."
"When do you drink water?" the granddaughter asked
"I've never been that sick."

A state trooper pulls over a priest

A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

How do you keep a bottle of wine from turning into vinegar?

Drink it.

Traffic accidents

A Frenchman and an Englishman are talking at a bar:
Frenchman: "Did you hear, in France they lowered the the amount of alcohol you can drink before driving. But now car accidents have significantly increased"
Englishman: " Wow, how can that be?"
Frenchman: " Well its because if a man drinks wine with a meal at a restaurant, his wife has to drive him home"

Jesus on the dating circuit

Jesus: *hands woman a wine glass* "May I buy you a drink?"
Woman: *looks at glass then looks at Jesus* "This is just a glass of water."
Jesus: "Look again."

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a s**... by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably s**... it as well.

A priest is pulled over for speeding...

Smelling alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"
"just water," the priest replies.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped​ the patrolman.
The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "good Lord he's done it again".
Edited for u/littlekiing

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Peter and John walk into a Japanese bar

Peter and John are sitting at the bar. Peter orders some rice wine, and John orders a beer. Peter gets up to go to the restroom. A few moments later, their drinks arrive.
John says to the bartender: this is chilled, can I get a hot cup to keep it warm?
The bartender replies: For your beer?
To which John replies: No, for Pete's sake!

I saw my friend sat on the deck drinking some wine.

"Hey, buddy!" I shouted. "You're ruining my cards."

Every weekend I say to myself "Eric you should really stop drinking so much wine on Fridays"

Luckily for me I'm not named Eric

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...

...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

I always seem to hurt myself when I'm pretending to drink wine in the morning

and wake up with a sham pain.

A priest was driving down the road one day when got stopped by a cop.

The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"
The priest replied, "Only water, officer."
The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite drink?


My brother sat down with my girlfriend and I. He said, "Pal, I've got a confession to make. Last night I had s**... with your girlfriend. We went to a party, she was drinking beer, I was drinking wine. One thing led to another..."

I turned to my girlfriend, in shock. "Tell me he's lying."
She said, "He is, it wasn't beer it was cider."

A priest is driving along a country road when he is pulled over by a copper..

Have you been drinking? He asks.
Just water replied the priest.
The cop says So why do I smell wine?
The priest looks over at the bottle and says good lord, he's done it again


Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

Brett Kavanaugh's two favorite drinks :

1. Beer
2. Red Red Wine.

Frank Zappa's children met at a restaurant

the waiter asks them what they'd like to drink.
"A beer", says Moon.
"Wine", adds Ahmet.
"Water", asks Diva.
"Pop", goes Dweezil.

The doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.

I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

Officer: You been drinking, Reverend? Reverend: Just water, Officer ...

Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Reverend: Good Lord, he's done it again!

We should rename races to drinks.

French = Wine
Irish = Beer
Jewish = Cordial

Yesterday i went to the doctor and he said i have some hydratation problem and that i should drink almost 2 liters daily

so i started buying a second bottle of wine every day

Wise men drink wine

Budweiser drink beer.

My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height.

So tonight I'm going to make it up to her.
I've got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.
When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favorite takeaway which we'll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.
Then afterwards I'm going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

An Irish priest was driving one night

when he gets pulled over by a police officer. Smelling alcohol, the officer walks up to the priest and asks, "have you been drinking tonight?" Holding a bottle of wine the priest answers, "no officer, just water." "So what's that in your hand", asks the officer. "Good Lord, he's done it again!" , exclaims the priest.

A priest...

A priest gets pulled over by a cop who smells alcohol in the priest's car.
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Priest: Just some water.
Cop: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He's done it again!

What is the difference between the Roman Catholic Church and the Russian Orthodox Church?

The Roman Catholics drink Holy Wine while the Russian Orthodox drink Holy v**....

Old Mr. Blaustein goes to a restaurant..

he eats an expensive meal, drinks the best wine on the list and when it comes to paying the bill he leaves only 5 dollar tip.
The waiter keeps his face but can't help himself uttering "Yesterday your son ate here and he left 50 dollar tip!"
"Of course", says the old Blaustein, "he is the son of an american millionaire, but I am the son of a latvian truck driver"

You know what's a b**...'s favourite drink?


A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he's needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks you ain't from around here are you?
No sir, He says, I'm from Minnesota
What the h**... do you do in Minnesota the bartender asks.
Im a taxidermist! The man replies.
What the h**... is that!? The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously I umm, mount dead animals
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar it's ok fellas, he's one of us!

A cop sees a car swerving around as it goes down the road and pulls it over.

At the wheel, he finds a priest. So the cop shines a light in the car and asks him, have you been drinking, father?
The priest says, Just water.
The cop moved his flashlight to the passenger seat and saw an empty bottle of wine. The priest looks at it and cries out, Good Lord, He's done it again!

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.
EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!

Hey girl I want to treat you like a trump-loving Christian treats Jesus.

Come over to your dad's house on the weekend to drink your wine and eat your body, then act like I've never heard of you for the rest of the week.