drinking Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious drinking stories

What are the best Drinking puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Drinking? Well here is a complete list of Drinking dad jokes:

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

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Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it's because you're drinking my fucking beer.

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Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.

Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!

Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.

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Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

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How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

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NSFW Can your dick touch your asshole?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said the boy. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, the boy was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" The young boy replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" the boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself."

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A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a deadly calm says, "I'm going to count to three. If I get to three, I'm going to do what I did in the Winter of 76'." The whole bar freezes in terror at the cowboy.

"**ONE**"

No one moves a muscle.

"**TWO**"""

Everyone's extremely nervous at this point.

"**READY OR NOT.... THR--**"

All of a sudden someone in the back stands up and says, "Hold on buddy! It was just a joke! your horse is in the back alley!" The cowboy smiles and starts to leave the canteen. The same guy who stood up calls out, "Hey! I just gotta know, what happened in the Winter of '76???" The cowboy turns around and says to him, "I had to walk home."

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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies:
"what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its because you're drinking my fucking burbon"

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So drunk he can't stand up

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

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A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

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Do you drink beer?

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400
…correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought
a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
What color is your Ferrari?

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American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.

Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking vodka. Suddenly they see screaming crazy Americans running over the campsite, tipping over the picknick tables, breaking bottles, and then disappearing into the thick woods.

The campers are pissed, so they catch up on the tourists and start beating them up until the last one hits the ground. Then they return to the campsite.

Back at the campsite one camper to another "You know Vassily, that American - he put up a pretty good fight". "Which one?". "Well you know, the one in the fur coat".

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A man dies and goes to hell.

The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor.

He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity"

He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor.

He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity"

He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee.

He says to himself "...well I guess I could get used to the smell."

After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back to headstands."

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Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy says "no"

"Well when you can touch your dick to your asshole, come back here and I'll share my whiskey with you."

Slightly offended the boy gets his cookies and begins to walk out of the room but his grandpa stops him.

"Hey kid, wanna give your old gramps one of those cookies?" he asks.

The boy turns to his grandpa and says "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Grandpa grows a big wide grin "I sure can!" he says.

"Good," says the boy "then Go fuck yourself. These are MY fucking cookies."

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A police man pulls over a priest for swerving..

As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat.
Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"

"No my son. Why would you ask that?"

"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."

"Oh my son, that's just holy water."

"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"

"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."

"Mind if I take a sip?"

"Not at all my son."

As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...

"Father, this is wine."

The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

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A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

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A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

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The big bed...

Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,

"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."

The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.

The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,

"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!"

The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,

"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!"

The man who slept in the middle says,

"I had a dream that I was skiing!"

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10 shots of whiskey please!

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "No money."

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Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

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A Man Walks Into A Bar...

And orders 3 shots for himself. The bartender asks why 3 shots? The man says that he has two brothers overseas and that whenever they drink, they all drink for each other as well.

A few weeks later, the same man comes in again and orders 2 shots for himself. The bartender asks the man if something happened to one of his brothers. The man replies "Nah, I've just stopped drinking."

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You guys want to play that new Michael Brown drinking game?

It's easy, you just stand there and take eight shots.

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Do you know the Pistorious drinking game?

Every time your girlfriend comes into the room you take four shots.

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Holidays

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

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A man stumbles home from a night of heavy drinking at the pub...

He finds his marital home empty and in darkness. In the kitchen, whilst going for another beer, he spots a note left on the fridge door.

"I'm sorry. I'm staying at my parents for now.
This isn't working anymore."

The man, curious, opens the fridge to get his beer and is greeted with the usual light and cool air.

"...what the fuck is she talking about?!"

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John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?


John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

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An Englishman in France

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally blasted. A French policeman stops his car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and - ping, pow, boom - verifies that he is indeed sloshed. He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers with a bit of humor, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is the one driving . . . . . on the other side?"

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The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

The police charged one and let the other one off.Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β  Β 

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A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.

After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan, "we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas."

The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali."

The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock.

"Relax," said the Seattlite cooly, "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin' shitload of Californians. No big deal."

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Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his
face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."

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High School Reunion

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

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Tim is out drinking one night...

He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you moron! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"

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A man who's been drinking at a bar throws up down the front of his shirt.

Remembering that his wife told him not to drink too much tonight, he starts panicking. My wife's going to kill me, he says to himself.

An old drunk next to him notices what's happened and says, Naw. Don't worry about it. Just put a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home, explain that some other guy puked all over your shirt and gave you a ten spot to pay for getting it cleaned.

So, feeling better about his situation, the man continues drinking until last call. When he gets home his wife is furious, just as he predicted. I told you not to get so drunk! She says. You threw up all over yourself! Give me that shirt. I need to soak it so it won't stain.

He smiles broadly while handing over the shirt. Oh sweetie, I only had a couple of beers. An old drunk next to me at the bar actually threw up on me. That's why he put ten dollars in the front pocket.

She reaches into the pocket. This is a twenty.

Oh yeah. Well, he shit in my pants, too.

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Guy at a bar

I was sitting at a bar one night. Another man came up to me and yelled "Hey! I fucked your mom last night!" I simply ignored him and kept drinking. Later, the same man came back to me and said, "Your mom really enjoyed it, too!" I continued to ignore him and kept drinking. Again, that same man came up to me a third time and said, "She even sucked my dick!" Finally, I had had enough and screamed back, "YOU"RE DRUNK, Dad! Go home."

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Midnight Surprise!

A colleague approached this man at lunch and invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realised he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

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It's a miracle!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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A man walks into a pet store

A guy goes to a pet store to buy an unusual pet and walks out with a centipede in a white box. Once he gets it home, the guy decides to take the centipede to his local bar and show it to his drinking buddies. He taps on the box and says, 'Would you like to go to McGuire's with me and have a beer?' There's no answer from the centipede. He waits a few moments then says, 'How about you and me going to a bar?' Again, there's no answer. Thinking the centipede can't hear him, the man goes right up to the box and yells, 'Hey! Would you like to go to McGuire's bar and have a drink?!' A little voice comes out of the box, 'I fucking heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes.'

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An Irish priest...

An Irish priest was driving to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He asked, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," said the priest.

The trooper asked, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looked at the bottle and exclaimed, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.

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New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot.

I call it the Ferguson

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So I have this friend who's addicted to drinking brake fluid...

but he tells me not to worry, he can stop anytime he wants.

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A man was drinking in a British pub

...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked.

"It's Wales, you idiot" one answered.

"I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

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I got arrested last night for murder...

I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.

The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.

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A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.

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Dinner with my wife

I took my (now ex) wife to dinner to "celebrate" yet another anniversary. After drinking quite a bit I raised my glass and said:

"I love you and I can't imagine life without you"

She asked "Is that you or the wine talking?" and I told her

"That's me talking to the wine"

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A guy is showing some friends around his new apartment...

...after a night of drinking.

One of his friends asks about the giant gong in the corner of his bedroom.

"Oh, that's my talking clock. Here, let me show you how it works."

He takes a mighty swing at the gong.

***GONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG***

Suddenly, a voice from next door screams, "What the fuck are you doing?! It's 3:30 in the fucking morning!"

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"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best drinking jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about drinking. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty drinking gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these drinking jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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