Drinking Jokes

166 drinking jokes and hilarious drinking puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drinking that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article contains an array of laughing-out-loud drinking jokes. Get ready to giggle at jokes featuring water, beer, wine, and alcohol. You'll also find lighthearted humor about drinking and driving, drinking alone, and even being a problem drinker. So grab a swig and enjoy.

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Funniest Drinking Short Jokes

Short drinking jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drinking humour may include short getting wasted jokes also.

  1. Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes. But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
  2. My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
  3. I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
  4. A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
  5. Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks
  6. Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem. Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
    Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.
  7. I am giving up drinking for a month Sorry that came out wrong
    I am giving up. Drinking for a month
  8. When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
  9. Please becareful on the road Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive
  10. Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.

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Drinking One Liners

Which drinking one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drinking? I can suggest the ones about drink alcohol and sipping.

  1. What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter
  2. Batman: *buys catwoman a drink* Catwoman: *slowly knocks it off of the table*
  3. Why doesn't michael jackson drink coffee? Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"
  4. Today I quit drinking for good now I only drink for evil
  5. I've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil
  6. An Apple fan walks into a bar.... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.
  7. Dad joke..... Dad: what are you drinking, son?
    Son: Soy Milk
    Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre
  8. What's a comedians least favorite drink? Booze
  9. Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the french press
  10. A man was drinking the blood of a vampire... He said, "Hm, irony"
  11. I was arrested for drinking battery acid. But I wasn't charged.
  12. My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid. But i can stop any time i want.
  13. Father: Hey son what are you drinking? Son: Soy-milk
    Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre
  14. I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday. Lucky it was a soft drink
  15. What state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda

Beer Drinking Jokes

Here is a list of funny beer drinking jokes and even better beer drinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister It tastes the same but it's just not right.
  • Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • TIL that black eyes are hereditary You get them from your father if you drink his last beer.
  • So Harambe walked into a bar Bartender: What will you be having to drink?
    Harambe: I'll have a beer
    Me: No, he'll have just ice.
    Bartender: Just ice?
    Me: Yes, justice for Harambe
  • My daughter asked why I drink so much beer I told her it's because I actually have a condition that's pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol.
  • Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.
  • Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.
  • How many Mormons do you take fishing with you? Two.
    If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
  • How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink? On a case-by-case basis.
  • Beer has female hormones Whenever I am drinking I talk too much and can't drive a car.

Drinking Water Jokes

Here is a list of funny drinking water jokes and even better drinking water puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
  • 9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
  • Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you? Drown them.
  • H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4? Drinking.
  • Two reasons I don't drink toilet water. No.1
  • Don't drink water while studying... Why?
    Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.
    Note: My first attempt. Thanks.
  • If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water, before you go to bed. That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
  • Vegans who drink water disgust me. That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.
  • TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
  • If you are suffering from acute depression, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.... That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Drinking joke, If you are suffering from acute depression, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed

Giving Up Drinking Jokes

Here is a list of funny giving up drinking jokes and even better giving up drinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm giving up drinking, for a month. *(oops, incorrect punctuation)*
    I'm giving up. Drinking for a month.
  • I'm giving up drinking till christmas Bad punctuation, can't edit title
    I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.
  • My landlord doubled my rent. I'm going to give up drinking for a month. Sorry I missed punctuation there.
    I'm going to give up, drinking for a month.
  • Give a man a fish Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
    Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
    Fish 24:7
  • My wife told me I had to give up drinking So I joined the AA.
    Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.
    At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.
  • I bought a girl a drink at the bar. It hurt to see her give it to her boyfriend.
    But it was hilarious to see him drink the roofie.
  • If you're down in the dumps and feeling really depressed, drink a gallon of water before going to bed. It will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
  • After last night, I took a solemn vow to give up drinking for good From now on, I will only drink in the name of evil.
  • A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink called "Innuendo". So the barkeeper gives it to her.
  • I'm broke, and I am drinking at the bar where my ex girlfriend works. I am hoping she would give me another shot.

Drinking Alcohol Jokes

Here is a list of funny drinking alcohol jokes and even better drinking alcohol puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
  • TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
  • Doctor: You don't look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol? Me: I drink it.
  • An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
    the officer replies "for drinking"
    The man replies "great, when do we start?"
  • I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday Thank god I only drink every night
  • I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T. Tuesday, Thursday and Today.
  • I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons. I drink it for other reasons.
  • When I drink Alcohol, everybody says I'm an Alcoholic.. When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm Fantastic.
  • Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32? To keep alcohol out of the high schools.
  • Oh, sure.. when I drink alcohol I'm told I'm an alcoholic.. But when I drink Fanta, nobody tells me I'm Fantastic. What is going on?

Drinking Problem Jokes

Here is a list of funny drinking problem jokes and even better drinking problem puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife left me because she said I had a drinking problem After she left I lost the urge to drink.
  • I returned to my hotel after an evening of drinking, so I went to the front desk. Excuse me, I don't remember what room I'm in. I said. No problem, said the receptionist. You're in the lobby.
  • My wife is concerned at the amount of brake fluid I drink and thinks I may have a problem... I told her "It's ok, I can stop whenever I want! "
  • Guy gets pulled over by the cops. Cop: It seems you have been drinking.
    Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter "M".
    Guy: No problem. "Malphabet."
  • Guy gets pulled over by the cops. Cop: It seems you have been drinking.
    Could you say the alphabet starting with "M".
    Guy: No problem. "Malphabet."
  • Don't call it a problem. Instead call it an opportunity. "I have an drinking opportunity" sounds much more positive, doesn't it?
  • My wife told me, There's no such things as problems, just opportunities. " That's great, I thought. Well, I have a serious drinking opportunity !!
  • My wife suffers from a drinking problem. Oh is she an alcoholic?
    No, I am, but she's the one who suffers.
  • Water can solve all your problems.. Want to lose weight?
    Drink water.
    Clear Face?
    Drink water.
    Tired of a person?
    Drown them in water..
  • I have a drinking problem and I need help. If Bob has drunk 2 cups of orange juice and Steve has drunk 3, and each cup has the juice of 4 oranges, how many oranges did the buy?
Drinking joke, I have a drinking problem and I need help.

Drinking Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about drinking you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drunk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drinking pranks.

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!
-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
-- Oh, okay!

I was having s**... with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

I encountered a m**... at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awake?

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.
EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!

Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "Only 75 cents."

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.
As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.
The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'
The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.
'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.
The man: 'not a single penny'

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?

I was having s**... with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

Boss p**...

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
Sir, he says, Why do you have all those knives?
They're for my juggling act, the circus performer replies.
I don't believe you, says the cop. Prove it. So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.
Just at that moment, a car with two guys in it drives by. "Wow, says one to the other. I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.

A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.

He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

A s**... woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar

She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."
The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."

How do you get a m**... to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"
"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.
"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."


A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

My wife was just in a minor accident. She's told the police that the man she hit was on his phone and drinking a Coke at the time

But they keep going on about how he can do what he wants in his own living room.

I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed does anyone know CPR?

I yelled, I know the entire alphabet and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except o**....

A man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

The boss exclaims, "Problem? There is no such thing. We call it an opportunity!"
The man says, "Okay then. I have a serious drinking opportunity."

The best in town!

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)

A Chinese guy walks into a bar...

A Chinese guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him :
• My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff?
• Why do you ask, is it because i'm Chinese?
• No, it's because you are drinking my beer.

the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first
- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness
The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'
'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

A Irishman, m**... goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
m**... : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a v**....
3. His mother thought he was God.

I was out drinking with a friend and saw two old drunks across the bar. I said, that's totally going to be us in 10 years.

He said, that's a mirror, d**....

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!

Two cowboys walk into a bar and sit down for a drink.

A woman sitting next to them drinking her martin starts choking on her olive.
One cowboy says to the other cowboy, "I'm going to help that there woman." He looks at her and says, "Are you choking?" And she nods yes. "Do you want me to help you?" Again she nods yes.
With that, the cowboy lifts up her dress, pulls down her p**..., and licks her bare b**.... She gets so flustered she spits out the olive and he saves her life.
As the cowboy sits down next to his friend he says, "That there hind lick maneuver works every time."

Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.

The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"
The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".
The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".
The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".

Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game

Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

10 shots of whiskey please!

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "No money."

A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.

As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"
"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

A Man Walks Into A Bar...

And orders 3 shots for himself. The bartender asks why 3 shots? The man says that he has two brothers overseas and that whenever they drink, they all drink for each other as well.
A few weeks later, the same man comes in again and orders 2 shots for himself. The bartender asks the man if something happened to one of his brothers. The man replies "Nah, I've just stopped drinking."

A horse walks into a bar

And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That'll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Two Finnish guys are sitting in a ferry, drinking v**.....

After a few hours of drinking one of the Finns says This was fun
The other one replies:
Are we here to drink, or are we here to talk?

How do you stop a m**... from drinking all the beer at your party?

Invite a second m**....

There were two friends drinking and one says to the other

I have a trumpet that tells the hour.
"The hour?" the friend asks.
Yes, yes look.... he grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy when all of a sudden you can hear...
"You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"

There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant... wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.

Election Day Drinking Game:

Every time Donald Trump is elected President, we all drink and just never stop.

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, Do you know her?

Yes, sighs the husband. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My God! says the wife. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.

She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.
"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.
He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"
"And do you remember the first time we had s**...?"
She smiled and answered, "Of course."
"And you remember how your Dad caught us."
She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"
"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"
"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.
He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."

A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility
"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"
"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"
The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the m**.... "Well?"
"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

Spanish Dad Joke

Dad: Son what are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, me llamo Dad

Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool

My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....

10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar...

10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.
How to spot a millionaire, am I right? he winks and smiles at the bartender
No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire
Okay - so he must be extremely charming?
Larry is actually a man of very few words
Then what on earth makes him so incredibly popular with women??
I actually have no idea - every day he comes here, he just sits there quietly, drinking his beer, l**... his eyebrows..

I played my wedding video backwards today.

It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.

CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.
CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.
CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.
CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.
They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

So, I just tried a new drinking game.

I put in the Bee Movie, and every time they make a bee pun, I take a shot.
Unfortunately, I could only get buzzed.

I recently watched my wedding video backwards.

I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!

Don't lie to the cops

Man gets pulled over by the police.
"Sir have you been drinking?"
"Yes. 7 beers, 5 shots of tequila and about 4 glasses of wine."
"I'm going to ask you to take this breathalizer test."
"What! You don't believe me?"

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

 She wrote: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. Her husband texted back: I'm on the toilet, please advise.

Drinking joke, A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

jokes about drinking