Drinking Coffee Jokes
127 drinking coffee jokes and hilarious drinking coffee puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drinking coffee that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Drinking Coffee Short Jokes
Short drinking coffee jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drinking coffee humour may include short java coffee jokes also.
- My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, do you smoke or drink coffee? I told him I drink it.
- Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool
- I was drinking coffee in my pyjamas this morning and I thought: "I really should have bought some cups".
- A fox, a wolf and a weasel all go to a restaurant. The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink.
"Water" says the Fox,
"Coffee" growls the wolf,
And "Pop!" Goes the Weasel! - "Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye." "Take the spoon out of your cup."
- My daughter at breakfast this AM: Are you drinking coffee because you're coughy? Me: Are you eating cereal because you can't cereal good?
Wife: 🙄 - Why do all Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee? Because in space, no one here use cream.
- After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed java.
He hates me. - A period at the end of a sentence can make a big difference Ginny is drinking her coffee
Ginny is drinking her period - Moms recipe for Iced Coffee Have Kids.
Make Coffee.
Forget you made coffee.
Put it in the microwave.
Forget you put it in the microwave.
_*DRINK IT COLD*_
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Drinking Coffee One Liners
Which drinking coffee one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drinking coffee? I can suggest the ones about coffee bad and strong coffee.
- Why doesn't michael jackson drink coffee? Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"
- Why does the homeless man only drink coffee? He had no proper tea..
- A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar. He sits down and drinks coffee.
- Women drinking coffee. My three favorite things.
- What kind of coffee does The Godfather drink in the morning? An alpuccino
- Why is Starbuck's coffee so high on the pH scale? It's the most basic drink there is.
- I dont drink coffee to wake up… I wake up to drink coffee.
- Why does ISIS only drink drip coffee? Because they hate French Press!
- What kind of coffee does a peg legged pirate drink? Decalfinated.
- What kind of coffee do Emo's drink? Depresso's
- What kind of coffee do Siths drink? Darth roast.
- What do you call an Italian mobster who specializes in cold coffee drinks? Al Frap-Pacino
- Ever since masks became mandatory... ...I only drink *filtered* coffee.
- How do you call it when you force someone to drink coffee? Manipulatte
- You guys know why I don't drink fancy coffees? cos they cost a latte.
Hilarious Fun Drinking Coffee Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about drinking coffee you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean brew coffee jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drinking coffee pranks.
Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.
I was drinking my coffee in a coffeehouse when a beautiful girl came near my table and asked me:
"Are you alone?"
So I responded: "It's a long time that I'm alone."
"So do you mind me to take this chair?" said the girl.
I fainted...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drink coffee! Do s**... things faster with more energy!
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
I sat at the cafe today.
No cellphone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
I just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan...
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in e**... and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other...
The woman says "If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee." The man says "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Choose Wisely...
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in e**... and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"
the barista at my coffee shop talked me into trying a funky new coffee.
I took a drink and told her it tasted like dirt and she said, "well that's cuz it's fresh ground."
What's the difference between a bad coffee in Switzerland and a bad coffee in Italy?
When you drink a bad coffee in Switzerland you say, "Merci!".
(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks.
In response, Dunkin' Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cold Stew
A Man walks into a diner, he sees they have a special "today only" on Cold Stew. He sits down at the diner table and asks the waitress to order a bowl. "im sorry sir." she replies "The gentleman beside you just ordered the last bowl."
"thats alright, ill just have a coffee."
sitting drinking his coffee he notices the guy next to him drinking a coffee eating a sandwich but not really touching the stew so he leans over "Hey man, you gonna eat that?"
"No, No, you go ahead" the mans replies
Pulling the bowl towards himself he begins to dig in, has a unique bittery taste not awful, just curious, but its free and its not the worst stew hes eaten so he continues vigirously. Halfway into the bowl of stew he discovers a large dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, without missing a beat the man up and pukes back up into the bowl. Disgusted with the meal and himself wiping the spit and remanants of p**... from his chin the man next to him leans over and says
"Yea, thats how far I made it..."
I didn't sleep very good last night...
So I put some Monster energy drink in my coffee this morning. I got halfway to work before before I realised I forgot my car.
A blonde walks into the doctors
and explains that she is unable to drink coffee without getting a severe pain in her eye.
The doctor replies; "Maybe take the spoon out before you try drinking it"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An anesthesiologist walks into a bar...
and goes to buy a drink. He sits next to a lonely, beautiful blonde and offers to buy her one too. After a couple hours they head back to her place and they have c**.... Next morning during coffee, she asks him: "Hey, are you an anesthesiologist?". He looks at her and says "Yea, why?" She goes: "I knew it! Last night I couldn't feel a thing!"
A hipster coffee shop would be a terrible idea.
Everyone would burn their tongues because they would drink the coffee before it was cool.
To be a hipster is to live in constant suffering
You spend all your time in coffee shops, but you always have to drink your coffee before it's cool.
Why are hipsters' lips always burnt?
Because they drink their coffee before it was cool.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two older gentlemen are sitting in the patio drinking coffee. one of the gentlemen is accompanied by his dog.
The dog starts l**... himself and the dogless gentlemen says: I wish I could do that. The dog owner replies: you might want to pet him first.
I can't believe how much money I've spent fueling my drinking problem.
Time to start brewing coffee at home.
Overly intoxicated man in a bar one night is making a fool of himself
The next day he returns to the bar sits down and orders a coffee. The bartender sarcastically asks," are you sure you don't want another shot of whiskey?" Holding his stomach, and wiping his mouth the man says," I drank so much last night that I went home and blew chunks." The bartender says, "see what happens when you drink too much, you end up throwing up all night." The man replies." no, you don't understand, chunks is my dog".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Syrian refugees land in America...
They make a bet to see who can become the most American. A year later they meet up for coffee. The first man says " I am so American. I have a hot white wife, a daughter, a house and a well paying job. I drink Budweiser with my friends after work at happy hour. I have come to accept gay marriage as a human right. I joined a bowling league and my average is above 200. What have you done?" The other Syrian looks at him and says " Shut up t**...!"
A man goes to the doctor...
and he says, "Doc, my eye hurts when I drink coffee."
Doctor says, "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup first?"
It seems the amount of coffee you drink...
increases the amount of times you need to visit the toilet excrementally.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Discussing Funerals
Three men are sitting around drinking coffee when a pastor comes up to them. "Men, I want you to think about when your life ends. What would you people to say about you at your f**...?"
The first man thinks a bit and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good family man. That I provided for my wife and children."
The second man thinks and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good Christian. That I read the scripture and lived for the Lord."
The third man says, "I hope they say 'Look! He's moving!!'"
Earlier today at a coffee shop, I spilled my drink all over the paper I was working on.
The barista looked over and said, "Well, essay chai tea happens."
LPT: if your eyes sting when drinking your coffee, take the spoon out
That's it, that's the joke.
I drink Coffee for the Same reason im a Christian..
I like to know someone else suffered in my place.
What Did the young programer tell His Doctor About his Bladder Pain.
I usually sit too much at work and drink too much coffee and now it hurts when IP.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy had an erectile dysfunction and went to the doctor...
... the doctor gave him a little pill and told him:
"Take this the next time you drink a coffee with your wife nearby."
Four days later the man again visits his doc:
"Doc this didn't work out. I did like you told me. Coffee with wife, take the pill! I immediately noticed the effect and teared my shirt off. I laid my wife on the table and we had the best s**... of our life."
Doc:"So what is the problem?"
Man:"We can never go to that McDonalds again!"
Which southeast Asian drink is more popular, the iced tea or the coffee?
Neither. It's a Thai.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone was taken down to the police station after they were caught drinking v**... from a coffee cup while driving.
They took a mug shot.
What is a caffeine addict's excuse for drinking coffee in the evening?
It's 8:00 somewhere!
Water is the most precious drink
Because without it we can't make coffee
Why do ISIS fighters only drink instant coffee?
Because they hate the French Press.
(This joke used to be more topical)
Dad joke
*My dad with a coffee at the gas station cash register:*
Cashier: any gas with that?
Dad: no thanks, I drink mine black
There's a C cup, a T cup, and a P cup
The C cup is for drinking coffee
The T cup is for drinking tea
And the P cup is used to get a Mexican to work
You drink too much coffee? I reduced my coffee consumption from 4 cups a day to 3 cups
Simply by getting a bigger mug.
When is the best time to drink a cup of coffee?
After you finished making one
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...
Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.
I can't stand people who drink coffee after 8 pm
I mean, how do they sleep at night?
Why do paramedics always drink coffee?
Because they don't have time for casual-tea!
I don't drink coffee.
It yellows your teeth, makes you jumpy, and you crave it all the time. That's why I smoke crack.
An Australian man sits down in an American diner
And orders a cup of coffee. The waiter comes back and hands the man his drink. He takes a drink and calls the waiter back.
Is something the matter? Says the waiter.
Yes, said the man. I ordered a coffee, but I got a cup of hazelnut creamer.
I'm sorry for the mix up sir, but you did specifically order a cup of hazelnut coffeemate.
Coffee drinking trio
3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.
1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.
2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.
3rd: yeah? We'll I don't even use a kettle. I chew the coffee beans, drink some water and just go sit on the stove for a while.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Only way to drink coffee is with BBC
b**... Cups
My mother-in-law said to me, "If you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee."
I replied, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
By the book
Lady looks out her window and sees a couple of Parks and Recreation guys setting up cones before they start work.
They finish and o**... digs a big hole by the sidewalk.
He finishes, they chat and drink coffee, then he walks about 10 yards away and starts a second hole, meanwhile, the second guy begins filling in the first hole.
They finish, chat and drink coffee, then first guy digs third hole and second guy fills second hole.
She waits until they pause again and walks out to see what's going on.
"What are you guys doing?
"Well, lady, were supposed to be planting trees, but there isn't any budget to buy them, so the Union told us to get to work. So here we are."
A man orders a coffee in a cafe.
When it arrives, he drinks and promptly spits out his first sip.
'Waiter!' he calls,'this coffee tastes like it's a day old.'
'Thank you sir,' is the reply,'it's yesterdays coffee.'
The man gives the coffee back to the waiter and says: 'thank you for your honesty. I'd really like to drink today's coffee.'
Taking the coffee, the waiter says: 'we open at 10AM tomorrow, you're welcome to drop by then!'
A guy was drinking coffee in a coffee shop
He had no laptop, no smartphone, no Ipad. Doing nothing but just enjoying a coffee.. what a psychopath.
Riddle
Coffee you drink when you wake up early to go hunting for hidden pokemon.
Dr my hands are shaking
Do you drink coffee?
Yes, one cappuccino late please
This man has a pain in his eye every morning...
He has a daily morning routine, he wakes up, washes his face, brews his coffee, he mixes it with a spoon, and drinks it. For some reason he always has a pain in his eyes.
So one day he goes to the doctor after becoming fed up of the pain. The doctor first asks him about his diet, and the man replies that he's been eating healthy. The doctor asks him about his routine, so he gives the man some props to recreate it. So the man proceeds to wash his face, brew his coffee, mix it with a spoon, and drink it.
The doctor sighs and asks, Have you ever taken out the spoon before you drink your coffee?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I Were Your Husband
"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
"Nancy," replied Winston,
"If I were your husband, I'd drink that coffee."
A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe
He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: "I've spit in it".
He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: "Me too"
What do you call someone who doesnt drink coffee for caffeine or believe in religion?
A Teaist
When I was drinking my coffee, I heard on the radio that caffeine causes memory loss.
Yeah, right. Next time, they're probably gonna say that caffeine causes memory loss.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drinking hot coffee in thin plastic cups reduces men's s**... performance by 80%!
It burns tongue and fingers!
Coffee
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women like I like my coffee
I wouldn't drink coffee, and I wouldn't drink a woman who was ground up into a liquid.
Why do people who drink coffee In the morning always calling the police ??
Because they got mugged
A Christian, a Jew, a Pagan, a Muslim, and an atheist walk into a cafe
They drink coffee and have a reasonable, mild-mannered conversation because they're adults.
Why do necrofiles drink ice coffee instead of regular coffee?
Because they prefer things cold
What kind of coffee did the cow abortion doctor drink?
DeCalf
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There once was a prisoner drinking v**... out of a coffee cup.
That was his mugshot.
I drink and drive every day
I can't concentrate without my daily coffee
A man goes to a doctor complainimg of pain in the eye everytime he drank coffee.
The Doctor replied, 'Next time take the spoon out before you drink'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole p**... of common office coffee
How do you even sleep at night?