I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog,bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink .
She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.
... and asks his wife "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"
The wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one chug.
He asks his wife again "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"
Again, the wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one go.
Once more he asks his wife "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"
At that point the wife says "Are you sure you want another beer? Isn't two enough for the evening?"
The man replies: "aaaand it started."
After a night of drinking a man shows off his new appartment to his friends. In the bedroom they spot a giant gong. What's that gong for? They ask. That's not a gong he says, that's a talking clock. Yeah right, the friends say, show us how it works then. So the man smashes it as hard as he can and takes a step back. His friends are Just staring when suddenly they hear 'stop with the noice you asshole it's 3.45 in the norning!'
He finds his marital home empty and in darkness. In the kitchen, whilst going for another beer, he spots a note left on the fridge door.
"I'm sorry. I'm staying at my parents for now.
This isn't working anymore."
The man, curious, opens the fridge to get his beer and is greeted with the usual light and cool air.
"...what the fuck is she talking about?!"
Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".
I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer to the hotel lounge to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What's the WiFi password?"
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.
Bartender: We have Molson's Canadian on tap.
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $8.00.
Me: Okay, here you go. What's the WiFi password?
Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst" -- no spaces and all lowercase.
He looks way too happy. He buys everyone a drink. The bar tender notices all this and asks, "hey man whats got you in such a good mood?" the guy says, "Well I was at work, and I did this girl's hair and makeup, and one thing led to another, and we ended up fucking!" The bar tender is like "oh cool! what salon do you work at?" the guy says,
"I work at a funeral home."
I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.
...after a night of drinking.
One of his friends asks about the giant gong in the corner of his bedroom.
"Oh, that's my talking clock. Here, let me show you how it works."
He takes a mighty swing at the gong.
***GONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG***
Suddenly, a voice from next door screams, "What the fuck are you doing?! It's 3:30 in the fucking morning!"
I told him that I'll drink my lunch how I want.
2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"
While the bartender is fixing his drink the man sets a tiny piano and a little man on the bar. The little man sits on the bench and begins to play the piano.
The bartender walks over with the mans drink and says "where did you get this?" The man pulls a crystal out of his pocket and hands it to the bartender. "I got it from this wishing crystal." "How does it work?" asks the bartender. "Just hold it in your hand, close your eyes, and make a wish."
The bartender does just that and suddenly the bar is filled with ducks. The bartender opens his eyes and sees his bar filled with ducks. He looks at the man and says "what the hell is this? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The man takes the crystal back and says "yeah, its a bit finicky with the wishes, how do you think i ended up with a 12 inch pianist?"
Joe and Billy-Bob, two of the most country boys that ever did live, were sitting down in a resturant visiting the big city. The meal was going well until they saw a woman across the resturant stand up gasping and holding her throat.
"Help she's choking!" someone shouted, and panic ensued. People were screaming, children were crying, and the poor choking woman was turning blue. Billy-Bob knew it was his time to act. He stood up, walked over the woman, pulled up her skirt and ran his tongue right up and down her butt cheek.
The woman was so shocked she gasped once, coughed, and the offending piece of food flew across the room. Billy-Bob calmly walked back over to his table and sat down. Joe looked at his friend and said "Where you learn to do that at?"
Billy-Bob took a sip of his drink and told his friend, "Well I heard of that there Hind Lick maneuver on TV for chokin' folks, never actually thought it would work though."
So I'm at the bar with a friend, drinking a beer, and this woman walks in. She's huge. Like 500-600 lbs, huge. She locks onto me and asks me if she could suck my cock in the bathroom. So I turned to my friend and said "I'll be right back, something big is about to go down."
Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.
"What's that?" he asks the drunk.
"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."
The friend wants to know how the clock works, so the drunk grabs the sledge and hammers away at the plate, making a ton of noise.
Almost immediately, there's a voice: "IT'S THREE AM YOU FUCKING CUNT!"
When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well.
"What happened?" his friend asked.
"Well, since I didn't know hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The secone panel showed him drinking coke. And the third panel showed him completely rejuvenated."
"That sounds great! Why didn't it work?"
"Nobody told me they read right to left!"
The doctor says that next time he comes home, open a bud light, take a swig and keep it in her mouth as long as possible without swallowing. Wife says ok and heads home
Two days later she is back and tells the doctor that it work amazingly, her husband came home drunk, so she grabbed the bud light, took as swig and kept it in her mouth for nearly ten minutes, her husband didn't hit her once!
Doctor looks at her and says "amazing what happens when you keep your mouth shut"
The bartender says to the man "sorry, but is Pepsi okay?"
The man, having had a long day at work and needing a drink decided not to be picky
"Sure, why not" he said, then paid for his drink
The bartender fixed up the drink and handed it over
"Here you go," he said, "Pepsi and Coke"
A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. "Why do you want cider? " asked Mom. "To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. "It doesn't work! " she yelled. "What do you mean? " asked Mom. "Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider. "
Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of slutty makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
The first guy says "I want a beer but we don't have enough money." The second guy replies "I have an idea, I'm going to go buy a hotdog from the vender across the street remove it from the bun and put it in my pants. Then we will go to a bar, order a drink for each of us, drink them then I'll unzip and you'll start sucking on this hotdog so we will get kicked out and not have to pay." The first guy, although skeptical, goes along with it. After the first bar works perfectly they decide to try their luck at a few more bars, so after the 7th bar both guys are very drunk, the second guy says "Okay, I'm hungry I want that hotdog now." The first guy replies with "Hotdog? Oh yeah, I ate that 3 bars ago."
A huge guy is drinking in a bar with his friend, when suddenly he sees a dude who looks really depressed. He looks at his friend and goes, 'You see the guy that seems to be having a really bad day? Well I'm gonna make his day even worse'. So he walks up to the dude and drinks the glass that was in front of him. The dude suddenly breaks into tears and starts crying hysterically. So the guy is surprised and tries to calm him down: ' Dude relax! I was just messing with you. I'll buy another drink'. The dude wipes off his tears and goes, 'I just had the worst day of my life. My car broke down on my way to work so I had to take a cab. I forgot my briefcase in the cab and cost my company millions of dollars. They fired me and I owe them their millions. When I got back from work, I found my wife in bed with my best friend. After all that I decided to end my life with a glass of poison, and you didn't even let me do that!'
A man steps into a bar and orders a beer.
"o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."
The Bartender responds
"Hey buddy. I used to stutter all the time too, but it stopped right after my wife gave me a blowjob. I suggest you try the same."
After the man hears this, he quickly drinks his beer and leaves.
The next day the man comes to the bar again.
"o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."
The bartender chuckles
"My suggestion didn't work, did it?"
The man responds
"n-n-no b-b-but y-you h-have a n-n-nice h-h-house."
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.
No, I wouldn't, he said.
She said, I sell tampons.
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, See, I knew you would laugh.
That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."
"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
So no point in your coming in for that."
A man after work stops by a pub for a drink. After sitting down he notices a sign saying "Finish the gallon tequila challenge and win free drinks for life." When the bartender approached, the man inquired and the bar tender explained, "nobody has ever finished it as of yet. First you must finish a gallon of tequila. After completing that you must pull a broken tooth from our Rotwieler in the back. If you complete that, the last challenge is to bring to orgasm the 90 year old original owner of the bar who still lives upstairs. Do all that and you get free drinks from here for life."
The man was shocked and said it was a ridiculous challenge. However, after a couple of pints and encouragement from fellow patrons he signed the liability waiver and finished the gallon of tequila. The bartender led the man out back where the dog was kept.
Over 5 minutes had passed and the dog could be heard yelping, growling and finally quiet. The man re-entered the bar covered in cuts, bruises and breathing heavily. He looked at the bartender and said triumphantly, "ok, so where is that old lady with the broken tooth?!"
He sees a group of other chemists who he works with and says to both the bartender and the chemists, "Gentlemen, tonight, all the drinks are on me!"
The chemists woo and cheer as the bartender says, "Wow, well you must have had a good day at work today then."
"Fantastic!" the chemist responds with a grin reaching from one cheek to the other, "Today, I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms and a sulphur atom!"
The bartender takes a step back in shock, "W-wow!" he replies, "That's BaNaNaS!"
..not minding him and trying to evacuate his bowels, suddenly, the man right next to him says "Hi..". Our protagonist, startled by this totally unexpected awkward salutation responds "hi?"... then the man continues "how are you doing?" our man answers "doing fine, how about you?"... the other man says "what are you up to?" ... our protagonist says "well, I came here to drink a beer after work, and you?"... the other man then says, "sorry honey, I have to hang up. this idiot in the other cabin keeps answering my questions."
are having a few drinks and discussing what true happiness is.
The American says "For me, true happiness is to work hard all day at a job I love, and then to come home and share dinner with my family."
The Frenchman says "Oh, you Americans, you're obsessed with work. To me true happiness is a deep discussion with my mistress, after which we make passionate love."
The East German shakes his head and says "Imagine it is 3 in the morning. You are sleeping soundly at home and are awakened by someone pounding on the door. You go and answer that, and two agents of the Stasi burst in. One says, 'Herr Mueller, you are under arrest for counterrevolutionary activities!' And although your voice quakes, you manage to say 'Comrades, Herr Mueller lives across the hall.' That, my friends, is true happiness."
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Drinks them, and leaves.
Next week same time does the same thing: orders 4 beers, drinks them, and leaves.
The third week; same thing. The bartender is curious so he asks. "well, I moved here few weeks ago. Back home my 3 brothers and I met every Thursday after work for a beer. Since I was feeling homesick I figured I would keep up the tradition even if I had to do it alone."
This goes on for several weeks until one week the man comes in and orders three beers and a coke. Bartender says, "I hate to pry but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away?"
The man chuckles and says, "No nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."
...and a man fresh off of work decided to get a drink on his way home. Having gotten a recommendation from a coworker, he headed to a classy bar on the top floor of a nice hotel. To his surprise, there is only the bartender and one other patron sitting in the corner. He sits and orders a drink, keeping to himself. The man in the corner turns to the worker and says "Hey, you see that painting behind the bar there?" The worker looks over and replies that he does see it. "That's an original DaVinci y'know" says the man in the corner. "Well that's very rare indeed!" says the worker. "Mmmhm, and that stool you're sittin' on was recovered from the Titanic." The worker seems a little unsure of the other man, but nods and smiles in response. "And that window right there," says the man "is magic - if you jump out of it, you'll fall all the way down, stop an inch before the sidewalk, and float right back up to your seat". The worker scoffs and says "I might believe that painting's a DaVinci, I might even believe that this stool is from the Titanic, but there is no way that window is magical." So the man in the corner strides across the room and jumps out the window. A moment later, he floats right back up into his chair, totally unscathed! Convinced, the worker leaps out the window...falling to his death. The bartender turns to the man in the corner and says "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
They decide to go to a doctor about it, the wife explains she is too embarrassed to talk about sex. The doctor suggests they use a euphemism to get over her problem. She agrees to try it and settles on "washing machine".
This works wonders until one night her husband comes home from the pub horny. He slips in to bed and taps Mary on the shoulder asking: "Mary, is the washing machine working tonight?". In a huff because he's been drinking all night, she tells him: "No, it's broken!" and goes to sleep.
The next morning Mary wakes up feeling a bit frisky herself, she wakes up her husband by whispering into his ear: "Johnny, the washing machine is working now." Half asleep, her husband turns to her and says:"Ah, it's alright love, it was a small load so I did it by hand."
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Drinking At Work? Well, here are the best Drinking At Work dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Drinking At Work pick up lines to share with friends.