Drinking And Driving Jokes
140 drinking and driving jokes and hilarious drinking and driving puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drinking and driving that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Drinking And Driving Short Jokes
Short drinking and driving jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drinking and driving humour may include short drunk and drive jokes also.
- Please becareful on the road Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive
- I had a few drinks last night so I left my car and took a bus instead Turns out I can't drive a bus very well when I'm drunk either
- The dent "I noticed you've got a dent on your car?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. Did you drink too much last evening?"
"Yes, I did."
"I see. So your wife had to drive you home?"
"Exactly." - I've discovered that alcohol contains female hormones After drinking you can't drive, you never stop talking and have to sit while peeing.
- Two guys at a bar, one says "My wife drives me to drink." The other says "You're lucky, my wife makes me walk."
- Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking And their wives are driving
- They tried to combine a networked hard drive with a device that brewed drinks... It was NAS-tea
- Be careful on the roads tonight Lots of people will be drinking excessively and letting their wives drive. Recipe for disaster.
- Two guys are drinking at the country club bar... First guy says, "Hey, you want to go play some golf?"
Second guy says, "No, not today."
"Why not?"
"Because I never drink and drive." - Be carfeful on the streets tonight. A lot of people are having too many drinks and let their wives drive.
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Drinking And Driving One Liners
Which drinking and driving one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drinking and driving? I can suggest the ones about driving under the influence and drunk driver.
- Beer has female hormones Whenever I am drinking I talk too much and can't drive a car.
- I never drink and drive I do my drinking before driving
- Why couldn't the golf club get a drink at the bar? Because it would be driving later
- Drink dont drive Liquor is cheaper than gas
- Don't drink & drive. You'll spill your drink.
- Dont't drink and drive, it's very... whisky!
- Why is a beer like a woman? After you drink one you can't shut up or drive.
- Don't drink and drive You might spill some
- There are better ways to meet new people. Don't drink and drive!
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- They say don't drink and drive. So I neither drink nor drive.
- Don't drink and drive... Yule be sorry.
- I don't drink and drive..... I only drink at stop signs and red lights.
- Don't drink and drive because you might spill the drink.
- Don't drink while driving – you will spill the beer.
Drinking And Driving Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about drinking and driving you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drinking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drinking and driving pranks.
How to be Insulting at Christmas: Refuse to give any guests a drink, on the grounds that it's for their own good not to drink and drive. Have plenty of soft drinks to offer them though. Then pour yourself a large Scotch, on the grounds that you aren't going anywhere and don't have to worry.
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.
The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"
The priest replied, "Only water, officer."
The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."
I recently got an alcohol tester fitted to my wallet to make sure I don't drink too much when I'm driving.
It's a picture of my wife, when she starts looking good I know I've had too much.
It's a miracle!
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
there'r female hormones in beer
So I found out there'r female hormones in beer, cause when you drink beer you argue over trivial things, you don't make any sense, you start to cry and you can't drive anymore.
Driving Home Drunk
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one.
A pirate walks into a bar...
...with a steering wheel down his pants. He orders a drink. The bartender says "sure thing, I'll get you a drink, but do you know you have a steering wheel down your pants?"
Pirate says "Arrrr, maytee, its driving me nuts."
Regular Russia, not the Soviet one
Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America. Igor responses, Why do think America would be any better. Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the car, take you to his home, make you nice drink, feed you dinner, let you sleep in his warm bed, and then, the next morning, he would drop you off where ever you wanted to go. Igor says, Really? This happened to you?! Ivan, No, my wife.
A group of friends went golfing one day...
-and after the round one of the men was very distraught after hitting a 107.
-He was so angry that he didn't even want to go to the bar afterwards to have a drink with his friends.
-So he decided to just drive home and take a load off.
-When he walked in the door his wife asked him how his round of golf went.
-He then punched her right in the face and said "I'm hitting everything fat today."
Some friends of mine went to play pub golf this evening.
I wanted to go with them but I was always told not to drink and drive.
So p**... was driving down the street
And he was in a sweat. He was late for an important business meeting and he couldn't find a place to park. In desperation he looked up to god and prayed, "if you find me a parking space, I will go to mass every Sunday from now on and give up drinking whiskey." Miraculously a spot appeared. p**... looked up again and said, "nevermind, I found on."
A pirate walks into a bar...
... and sits down to order a drink. The bartender notices something peculiar about the pirate and can't hold in his curiosity.
"Hey buddy", the bartender says. "Why is there a wheel sticking out the front of your pants?"
"Yarr", the pirate replies. "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts".
Speaking in German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
An accordion player goes to a bar
After a long night at performing at a local restaurant, an accordion player goes to have a few late night drinks. He drives up to the bar and goes inside. After finishing his first drink, he realizes he left his car unlocked! He rushed outside, opened the trunk of his car.....but it was too late....a 2nd accordion was already there!
Took a Cab Home
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.
What's the difference between a tea cup and pea cup?
A teacup is what the British drink out of and a pea cup is what the Mexicans drive.
Did you know that beer contains female hormones?
It's true. You drink too much you get fat, get emotional, talk too much, cry, and you can't drive a car.
All apologies to the fairer s**....
Priest DUI
So a priest is driving along, swerving a bit and gets pulled over, the officer asks him 'have you had anything to drink tonight father' to which the priest replies 'only water' the officer then points out a empty bottle of wine in the passenger seat, the priest then shouts 'Jesus Christ! He's done it again!'
So I was sitting on the porch drinking a beer as my wife was shoveling the snow....
An old lady from down the street was driving by slowly when she stopped in front of my house and rolled down her window. She looked at my wife, then looked at me before saying "Your sitting there getting drunk while your wife is doing all that hard work? YOU SHOULD BE HUNG!
I lifted my beer and yelled back "I AM. That's why I'm just sitting here."
If you had one bullet and there was a Lion, a bear and a jaguar. What do you do?
If you were in the middle of the forest and there was a lion, a bear and a jaguar. You had a gun with only one bullet. What do you do?
Shoot the lion, drink the beer and drive away in your jaguar. :)
... Obviously it's better told to someone than read.
A pirate walks into a bar...
So a little pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pant and orders a drink. The bartender give him the drink but first asks, "Doesn't that steering wheel bother you? It looks uncomfortable."
The pirate replies "Argh!! Its driving me nuts!!"
A pirate walks into a bar..
So, this pirate walks into a bar to have a drink.
The barkeeper looks at him and says: "Sir, do you know that you have a steering wheel on your c**...?"
>Says the pirate: "Ayy, it's driving me nuts!"
Praying for a parking space..
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.
Policeman stopped me last night on my way home from the pub
and asked "why are you drink driving" I replied "because I wasn't fit to walk"
A man and his wife go to a class reunion.....
A man and his wife go to a class reunion after a grueling 4 hour drive. When they arrive they're given name tags and head to the gymnasium.
They start talking to some friends when the wife is starting to get thirsty. So she asks the husband to go get in line to give her some punch.
He returns after 10 minutes with one empty cup, and when the wife asks about her drink the husband replies,
"Sorry honey, the punchline was too long and it wasn't that good"
My children drive me to drinking...
As soon as they got their licenses I made them start bringing me to the bar.
A joke my granpda tells to me every time I see him
A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and says "sir do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants" the pirate replies "yarr, its driving me nuts"
A black guy and a white girl hookup at a club...
And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued to stab her 5 times and steal her purse.
A recent study showed that Alcohol contains female hormones.
In the study, ten men were told to each drink 10 pints. By the end of it, none of them could drive, and everything they said was hard to listen to.
Guy gets pulled over by a cop at midnight:
"And where are you rushing to sir?"
"Officer, I'm attending a lecture on drinking and driving."
"Is that so? Who is giving a lecture at this time of the night?"
"My wife."
A guy is driving happily along in his car with
his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
Someone was taken down to the police station after they were caught drinking v**... from a coffee cup while driving.
They took a mug shot.
There are so many obnoxious people in the world, but do you know who really drives me to drink?
What's the difference between men and women when it comes to drinking?
My boys drive me to drink, but women drive me to drink.
My dad's joke.
'Did you know there were Female hormones in beer?'
Because, if you start drinking too much.
You don't have the ability to drive, and you get fat.
I think there are female hormones in beer
Because, if you start drinking to much you start to get fat and you lose the ability to drive.
Traffic accidents
A Frenchman and an Englishman are talking at a bar:
Frenchman: "Did you hear, in France they lowered the the amount of alcohol you can drink before driving. But now car accidents have significantly increased"
Englishman: " Wow, how can that be?"
Frenchman: " Well its because if a man drinks wine with a meal at a restaurant, his wife has to drive him home"
A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night
"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"
"I've had 8 drinks, officer."
"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."
If you're going to drink and drive, always carry a flask in your car
If you get pulled over for a DUI, put the flask in your lap, suspiciously insist that it's "water," and that's when the officer finds out that's it's chloroform.
I don't drink and drive because that's irresponsible.
So I make sure to drink everything before I drive.
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A guy asks his friend how he lost so much weight.
His friend says, "I took up drinking and driving. It works like a charm!"
The guy says "Oh man, you need to stop, you're going to get yourself killed!"
His friend replies back, "Yeah, it was a bit of a c**... diet."
A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
Horrible joke
So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"
An Irishman is parking
An Irishman is driving around the parking lot but can't seem to find a spot. Eventually, he looks up to the sky and says, "Lord, if you'll only find me a spot, I'll never drink again." Sure enough, he turns the corner and sees a spot. He looks back up to the sky and says, "Never mind, Lord, I found one."
Don't drink and drive
Stop so you don't spill
A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
He sits down and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender says, "I'll give your drink if you tell me why there's a steering wheel in your pants."
The man says, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts."
Please, I need a ride, I'm too drunk to drive...
Where do you need to go?
To the store to get more drinks
(true story)
Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!
If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely
Be careful driving over Christmas.
Some of the men are drinking and letting their wives drive.
3 guys are driving in the desert and their car breaks down...
Their destination is 2 days away on foot, so the guys decide to take pieces of the car so they don't die.
First guy says "I'll take the radiator, we can drink the water from this"
Second guy says "I'll take the hood of the car, it will give us shade"
Third guy says "I'll take the door, I can roll the window down if it gets too hot"
I can tell my doctor has a problem with me drinking.
Especially since I'm driving him home.
The secret to World Peace has been discovered!!
Everyone must drink Pepsi while having their phone carrier changed to T-Mobile and drive a Dodge Ram truck!
And make the world a better, cleaner place by using Tide!
A priest and a bus driver stand outside the gates of heaven.
God lets the bus driver in, but denies entry for the priest. The priest exclaims:
-Why was that man let in? He gambles, drinks, sheats on his wife and is a bad father figure to his kids.
I on the other hand have served you my entire life.
God replies:
-That might be, but when you preach, everybody falls asleep in the church. When he drives the bus, all the passengers pray.
A warning to be careful about drunk driving..
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.
On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
A priest was driving down the road one day when got stopped by a cop.
The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"
The priest replied, "Only water, officer."
The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."
Got a ticket for drinking and driving
I contested it and stated that I wasn't drinking and driving, I started driving first and then started drinking.
Didn't work.
A pirate walks into a bar...
A pirate walks into a bar, dits down and orders a drink. The barkeep obliges and brings a drink for the pirate, and he notices there is a steering wheel in thenpirwtes pants.
The barkeep was too curious to not inquire what was going on. "Excuse me sir, can I ask why there is a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate responding, "Arrggg, I not be sure, but it's driving me nuts."