Drinking A Lot Jokes

Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local s**.

.. club for his birthday.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
His wife starts screaming at him.
The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"

I recently went to my new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?"
He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?"
I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
I replied, "No, nothing like that."
He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of s**...?"
I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc."
He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"

How long will I live doctor?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I am about to turn SEVENTY-ONE).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of s**...?' 'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said........,
Then, why do you even give a s**...?'

There are 4 levels of cheerios in this world.

The levels are, from bottom to top, regular, chocolate, honey nut, and the highest level is the status of Froot Loops. Jim is a regular old cheerio, and is unhappy with his life. So he studies for weeks and weeks, takes the test, and becomes a chocolate cheerio. He parties for a while, makes lots of new friends, but then becomes bored. So Jim studies for months and months to become a honey nut cheerio, takes the test, and becomes a honey nut cheerio. Life as a honey nut cheerio is much better, there are many more places to go, and many more things to see and do. But Jim is greedy, and needs more from life. So he studies for years and years to become a Froot Loop, the highest of the high positions on the social ladder. He takes the test, but fails. Jim becomes depressed, and thinks about s**..., but sees light at the end of the tunnel. So he studies even more, takes the test, and passes. Jim is ecstatic, and makes many more friends. He decides to throw a party, so he goes to the supermarket to get drinks. First he looks at beer, but the line for beer was too long, so he moves on. He goes to get juice, but the line there was also to long. He went to the punchline but there was none.

Three ladies meet up for a drink

Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of s**... makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

Three men are sitting at a bar

Three men were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. They get to talking about there kids and how great they are.
The first man brags " My son is the greatest! He is CEO of a big company. He makes so much money that he just bought two new sports cars, one for himself and the other for his lover."
The second father, trying to show up the first, says "Oh Yeah? Well my boy created a huge internet company and makes millions he just bought two mansions, one for himself and the other for HIS lover".
The third guy is sitting quietly drinking his beer. The other two guys look at him and ask what about his son? Does he make a lot of money?
The third guy says " Nah, My son doesn't make millions or anything like that. He's a male e**.... Although, his two best clients did just buy him a new car and a new mansion."

So a city boy moves to the country.

Bob always hated his big city life, so one day he sold all his possessions and moved to the countryside.
Proud of the new land he purchased he felt like exploring one day, so he got on his horse and follow the old barbed wire fence til he spotted a man
"Hey there! how's it going? I'm Bob and I came here to get away from the city!"
"izzat so?" the man replied "well in that case, I guess I should be invitin' ya to a neighborhood party happenin' at my place tonight. but I should warn ya city boy, out in the country we like to drink a lot at our parties"
"well" bob said "in the city the bars are open all night, I think I can handle the drinking"
"Ok, if you say so. out here in the country we also tend to fight when we drink"
"oh, well the city is a violent place too, I think I can handle myself."
"Alright don't say I didn't warn ya, there's one more thing though, our parties can get a little wilder, and though the church don't condone it, pre-marital s**... tends to happen too."
bob chuckling to himself at this point said " well I think I can handle that too. I'll be sure to swing by tonight. By the way, just so I fit in, is there any sort of dress code I should follow so I don't stand out?
"oh you don't worry 'bout that, just show up in whatever feels comfortable. It's just gonna be the two of us tonight"

So this cowboy wants to make peace with Indians

The Chief says:"alright, but first I want to test if you are serious." He points to the three tents in front of them and says:"I want you to complete three tasks.
(1)In the first tent there are 10 bottles of whiskey, I want you to drink them all. (2)Then go into the second tent where you can find a bear. I want you to give me his ear.
(3)Then go into the last tent, where you will find one of my daughters. I want you to turn her into a woman by having s**... with her."
The cowboy agrees to the terms and goes into the first tent. He manages to drink the bottles and stumbles to the second tent..A lot of noise, growling of the bear and screams of the cowboy can be heard... The chief surely thinks he is now rid of the cowboy.. however, he manages to walk out of the second tent. On his way to the third one he can be heard saying:"alright, let's cut off this woman's ear."

True happiness

Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness.
The American says, "I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to watch football. That is all I need to get real happiness."
The Frenchman scoffs, "That is so boring and bourgeouis. Real happiness is having a lot of friends to drink fine wine with, and having lot of time to enjoy your life of leisure."
The Russian takes a long swig of v**..., blinks and says, "My friends, you really don't know. Real happiness is waking up to find the KGB knocks on your door at 2AM."
The American and the Frenchman are surprised. "What the heck do you mean? KGB at your door at 2 in the morning?"
"Yes," says the Russian, "you open the door and the KGB says 'Vassili Alexandryev, you need to come with us right now.' and you say, ['sorry gentlemen, Vassili Alexandryev lives in the next-door flat.'](/spoiler) That is when you have true happiness."

Science jokes!

A proton walks into a bar. Strolls up to the bartender and says "I don't care what you serve me, but I want the most expensive drink you offer."
The bartender looks at him quizzically. "You sure about that, buddy?"
**"I'm positive."**
A cute little neutron walks in right after him. "I'll have what he's having," she says.
The bartender pours another glass, slides it over with a wink. **"No charge."**
A mole walks into the same bar, sweating profusely.
"I just worked the hardest I've ever worked. I need a drink. No, I need a lot of drinks. Just keep them coming."
The bartender asks, "How many are you going to have?"
**"6.02 times 10 to the 23rd."**

A pint, a dog and an old lady

A guy goes into a bar and as he orders a drink he notices a jar at the end of the bar full of money. He says to the barman "what's that about?" to which the barman replies "you pay a tenner and have to complete 3 challenges, if you are successful you win all the money in the jar. Would you like to try it?" The man says he'll think about it and sits down with his drink. After about 8 pints the man staggers up to the bar and slams a tenner on down in front of the barman, "Okay pal, I'll have a go".
So the barman says "ok, challenge number 1, here's a pint of tequila, you have to drink all of that without coughing it up or being sick". It takes the man a couple of minutes but he finishes the drink.
"well done" says the barman. "The next challenge, there's a guard dog outside with a bad tooth, you need to go out there and remove it. After that, there's a woman upstairs, she's 83, never had s**... in her life. I want you go up there and show her a real good time".
So the man goes outside and for about 15 minutes there is a lot of barking, shouting and screaming. Then after a while it goes quiet. The barman walks outside to find out what's happened... The dogs dead. The man who's out of breath turns to the barman and says "Right... Where's this old lady with the bad tooth?"

A man sits at the bar drinking and looking upset.

The bartender asks him what's wrong. The man looks up and says
"I lost it all playing the ponies. A million dollars. I had it and I lost it all."
The bartender is taken aback. "If you don't mind me prying, a million dollars is a lot of money. How'd you end up losing it?"
The man downs his drink. "Pour me another and I'll tell you. I went to the track with five dollars. That's it. I was only gonna spend five and go home. So I gets a good feeling about this horse named Fedora. He had incredible odds so I went for it. Turns out he won. So I makes a five into a hundred. I'm on a roll now, so in the next race I bets on a horse named Top Hat. Again, the odds are in my favour. He wins, and I turns a hundred into six thousand. It continues all day, every race. Beret made 6000 into 120,000. And Trilby makes 120,000 into 1,200,000. That's no small potatoes. I shoulda known hat names wouldn't work forever, but I thought I had a winner with Cowboy. He lost. I lost."
The bartender is invested in the story by this point. He waits with bated breath. "So who won?"
"Some d**... horse named Yarmulke."

One night at a pub . . .

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.
The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."
The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."
The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."
The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

Oh, Dave!

Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local s**... club for his birthday.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him.
The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"

Guy gets sick of the rat race and...

....moves to the country. After about six months, he gets a little lonely for company so he's happy when a nearby farmer comes over.
They're sitting on the porch having a couple beers when the farmer asks,
*"Would you like to come to a party at my house next friday?"*
Guy says, *"sure, sounds fun."*
Farmer says, *"But there'll probably be loud music."*

Guy says, *"Cool with me."*

Farmer says, *"And a lot of drinking, that's how it is."*

Guy looks at his beer and nods his head.
Farmer says, *"Gotta watch out, sometimes there's a little fightin'."*

Guy says *"I can handle my own. Sounds fun."*

Farmer says, *"And if you're lucky, might be a little s**....."*

Guy says *"Now I can't wait. Next friday? What should I wear?"*

Farmer says, *"Whatever. Just gonna be you and me."*

Signs...

The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Your job interferes with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
- Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
- You consider that having two hands and only one mouth is a drinking problem.
- You can normally focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved since you entered the bar.
- You fall off the floor sometimes.
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Mosquitoes stumble about after attacking you.
- At weekly AA meetings, you forget your own name.
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- The whole bar greets you when you come in.
- You don't recognise your wife unless you see her through the bottom of your glass.
- That d**... pink elephant followed you home again!

Guy walks into a bar.. (long joke)

And asks for a drink. He notices a jar full of money and asks the bartender if he gets a lot of tips. Bartender explains that it's part of an ongoing bet. The man asks what he must do to win the money. The bartender states that the man must climb the oak tree behind the bar and grab a leaf from the very top, pull an abscessed tooth from a pit bull, and bang a 50 year old v**.... The man refuses.
After many drinks, the man finally accepts the bet. He climbs the tree with ease and brings the bartender a leaf. The man then stumbles to the back room where the dog is sleeping. After a lot of commotion, screaming, and yelping, the man returns. He says, "Now where's the lady with the abscessed tooth?"

pint of guiness

On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh.
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." 
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Scot leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Scot returned and said "Hey y**..., is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for 5,000 pounds."
"Aye" replied the Scot, "pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with seconds to spare.
"Ok y**..., pay up." said the Scot
"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Scot replied, "Well sir, 5,000 pounds is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

Texas Aggie buys a girl a drink

Ok so this Texas Aggie is at a party back East, right? and he sees this attractive woman. He tells the bartender that he wants to buy her a drink. So the bartender gives her a drink and points to the Texan. She walks over to him and says:
"This isn't going to go where you think it's going to go."
"Why not?" he asks.
"Because I'm a lesbian." she says.
"What's that mean?" he says.
"Well, see that hot woman over there? It means that I'd get a whole lot of pleasure by going down on her." the woman explains.
The man wanders back to the bartender in a daze. The bartender asks:
"So how'd it go?"
and the man says:
"Well, I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

h**... and Himmer walk into a bar...

The barman comes over, does a double-take, then askes them for a drink. h**... orders two brandys. After the barman returns and places the drinks in front of them he says-"I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend, but you guys look a lot like h**... and Himmler." h**... responds -" well that's because it is us." Shocked, the barman asks where have they been all this time, to which Himmler responds-"actually, we have been making preparations for our next plan. Would you like to hear it?" The barman says ok, so Himmler continues-"we plan on killing ten million jews and a dj." The barman asks -"why a dj?" to which Himmler turns to h**... and says-"see, no one cares about the jews."

The Problem with Speaking English

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think
I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then He asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive motor-cycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of s**...?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a s**...?'

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.
The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."
"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."
"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."
"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of v**... to have to mop up..."
"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."

A Man Walks Into a Bar

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"Hey got any specials tonight?" The bartender tells the man tonight there is a challenge, first you have to drink this glass of v**..., then you have to go out back and pull a tooth from an alligator, and finally you have to go upstairs and have s**... with a woman. The man at first says no way, but after a few drinks he decides to do the challenge. The bartender hands him the glass of v**... and he downs it. He then goes outside to the alligator. He's out there for a while and making a lot of noise. When he finally comes back in the bartender asks,"What took you so long?" The man replies, "Where is that woman who needs her tooth pulled?"

2 Woman go drinking...

after a lot of drinks they decide to head home but on the way realise they have to use a bathroom but as its late there is no one to be found.
So both decided to head for the local cementary...as they had nothing to wipe, the first woman decides to sacrifice her p**....
The second one had really expensive p**... so she just grabbed a ribbon from a nearby grave and both head home.

The next morning both husbands meet:
"This has to stop, my wife came home without p**...!"
"You think THAT is bad? Mine had a pice of ribbon in hers that reads "from all of us at the police station - we will never forget you.""

The final word on nutrition and health.

The final word on nutrition and health.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.