JokoJokes

Drinking A Lot Jokes

126 drinking a lot jokes and hilarious drinking a lot puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about drinking a lot that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Drinking A Lot Short Jokes

Short drinking a lot jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The drinking a lot humour may include short drinking jokes also.

  1. Please becareful on the road Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive
  2. Sometimes I like to put the punchline first A lot of people asked me why the line for drinks is before the line for food, so I explained
  3. I only drink in Bars which have a lot of mirrors Doctor has advised me to watch my drinking
  4. Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking And their wives are driving
  5. I drink a lot of alcohol. A LOT. So I'm doing twelve steps. I moved to a walking distance from a bar.
  6. Guy goes to the doctor Guy: "Doctor, I can't stop my hands shaking"
    Doctor:"do you drink a lot?"
    Guy: "Not really, I spill most of it"
  7. Be careful on the roads tonight Lots of people will be drinking excessively and letting their wives drive. Recipe for disaster.
  8. A man rushes to a doctor Doctor, Doctor. You've got to help me. I just can't stop my hands from shaking.
    Do you drink a lot?
    Not really. I spill most of it!
  9. Be carfeful on the streets tonight. A lot of people are having too many drinks and let their wives drive.
  10. Ever since I swallowed a watch I've been keeping myself busy taking laxitives, eating lots of fruit and drinking prune juice. Anything to pass the time.

Share These Drinking A Lot Jokes With Friends




Drinking A Lot One Liners

Which drinking a lot one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with drinking a lot? I can suggest the ones about drinking alcohol and getting wasted.

  1. Dark humor is a lot like fresh drinking water... Not everyone gets it.
  2. What do you call a doctor who drinks a lot of soda? A fizz-ician (physician)
  3. What do you call a man who pours a lot of drinks? Phil.
  4. I was told to drink a lot of Perrier My fizzy eau therapist insists on it.
  5. What do you call a roofer who drinks a lot? A re-covering alcoholic.
  6. My French buddy keeps trying to get me to drink It's a lot of Piérre pressure
  7. I was having a lot of fun drinking Coke, so I belched, "This is a gas!" ...soda speak.
  8. Peeing after drinking a lot of water...... ..... is just a natural *outcome*
  9. Vaccine for Dementia Eat lots of unhealthy food, do lots of drugs, drink and drive
  10. Why do pregnant europeans drink lots of water? So their child will germinate.
  11. How to get fit Drink a lot of soda. Then do a lot of burpees
  12. Tonight I'm going to have my favourite drink... It's called 'a lot'
  13. I made a man drink lots of vinegar.... He ended up with a sour t**...

Drinking A Lot Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about drinking a lot you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drinking problem jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make drinking a lot pranks.

A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy whose been drinking a lot.

" The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.

A Chinese man came home after a late night of drinking, and crawls in bed next to his sleeping wife.


After lying awake for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey honey, wanna do a sixty-nine?"
"Well, you've got a lot of nerve! First you come home late, you're drunk, and now you expect me to go to the kitchin and fix you Mongolian beef with snow-peas!"

Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local s**.

.. club for his birthday.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
His wife starts screaming at him.
The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"

A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot."
The husband responds, "Who is he?"
The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage."
"Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.

I recently went to my new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?"
He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?"
I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
I replied, "No, nothing like that."
He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of s**...?"
I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc."
He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"

There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.

There are 4 levels of cheerios in this world.

The levels are, from bottom to top, regular, chocolate, honey nut, and the highest level is the status of Froot Loops. Jim is a regular old cheerio, and is unhappy with his life. So he studies for weeks and weeks, takes the test, and becomes a chocolate cheerio. He parties for a while, makes lots of new friends, but then becomes bored. So Jim studies for months and months to become a honey nut cheerio, takes the test, and becomes a honey nut cheerio. Life as a honey nut cheerio is much better, there are many more places to go, and many more things to see and do. But Jim is greedy, and needs more from life. So he studies for years and years to become a Froot Loop, the highest of the high positions on the social ladder. He takes the test, but fails. Jim becomes depressed, and thinks about s**..., but sees light at the end of the tunnel. So he studies even more, takes the test, and passes. Jim is ecstatic, and makes many more friends. He decides to throw a party, so he goes to the supermarket to get drinks. First he looks at beer, but the line for beer was too long, so he moves on. He goes to get juice, but the line there was also to long. He went to the punchline but there was none.

Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.

A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "v**... Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."

The grace of the hunt

Two brothers, who are hunters, get invited to a very famous Hunting club by their father. Once there, they mingle with the members and have an awesome time. Tons of drinking, lots of stories about big game hunting. As the night was nearing it's end, the young men's father asks them if they would be interested in speaking to the club's oldest member, and they, of course, jump at the opportunity. Their father points them to a very frail looking elderly man sitting in a recliner. The young men introduce them selves, tell the old man some of their stories, and all three of them clearly enjoy each other's company. Just as the young brother's were about to leave, the old man starts to tell them his greatest story.
" I was hunting alone in the African wilderness. I found myself with no food, water or shelter. As the day was coming to an end, i barely managed to gather enough wood for a fire. I start to doze off with my rifle in hand, when i hear a rustling sound behind me. I jump to my feet and, just as i turn around, a 600 pound, male lion jumps out at me and lets out a great big ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! And, i just crapped my pants"
The young hunters look at one another. Finally, one of them says " I mean, sir. Given the circumstances anyone would have done so".
"NO!" the old man replies, "Not then, just now when i said ROOOOOOAAARRRR!!!"

Three ladies meet up for a drink

Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of s**... makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

I took the family to an amusement park and they all got thirsty at once.

Fortunately we were close to a big soda shop, a circular building with lines of varying lengths standing at most of the windows.
"Excuse me," I asked a park employee, "Which window do we go to?"
"Each window is for a different drink, so just go straight to the one for what you want. If you're in a hurry, though, you might pick something less popular, that no one's waiting for."
Over the crowd I could see the drink signs above each window: Coke, Sprite, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, Hawaiian Punch, Mountain Dew, Guinness... "How long is the Guinness line?" I asked.
He laughed, "That one wraps around the back of the building and trails off into the parking lot outside. I think they're going for a world record or something."
I didn't have time for this guy's jokes, so I asked, "Is there a punch line?"
"Nope."

Three men are sitting at a bar

Three men were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. They get to talking about there kids and how great they are.
The first man brags " My son is the greatest! He is CEO of a big company. He makes so much money that he just bought two new sports cars, one for himself and the other for his lover."
The second father, trying to show up the first, says "Oh Yeah? Well my boy created a huge internet company and makes millions he just bought two mansions, one for himself and the other for HIS lover".
The third guy is sitting quietly drinking his beer. The other two guys look at him and ask what about his son? Does he make a lot of money?
The third guy says " Nah, My son doesn't make millions or anything like that. He's a male e**.... Although, his two best clients did just buy him a new car and a new mansion."

Mommywas out, and Daddy was in charge

Someone had given their 2 1/2 year old daughter a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mommy came home.
Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

True happiness

Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness.
The American says, "I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to watch football. That is all I need to get real happiness."
The Frenchman scoffs, "That is so boring and bourgeouis. Real happiness is having a lot of friends to drink fine wine with, and having lot of time to enjoy your life of leisure."
The Russian takes a long swig of v**..., blinks and says, "My friends, you really don't know. Real happiness is waking up to find the KGB knocks on your door at 2AM."
The American and the Frenchman are surprised. "What the heck do you mean? KGB at your door at 2 in the morning?"
"Yes," says the Russian, "you open the door and the KGB says 'Vassili Alexandryev, you need to come with us right now.' and you say, ['sorry gentlemen, Vassili Alexandryev lives in the next-door flat.'](/spoiler) That is when you have true happiness."

A pint, a dog and an old lady

A guy goes into a bar and as he orders a drink he notices a jar at the end of the bar full of money. He says to the barman "what's that about?" to which the barman replies "you pay a tenner and have to complete 3 challenges, if you are successful you win all the money in the jar. Would you like to try it?" The man says he'll think about it and sits down with his drink. After about 8 pints the man staggers up to the bar and slams a tenner on down in front of the barman, "Okay pal, I'll have a go".
So the barman says "ok, challenge number 1, here's a pint of tequila, you have to drink all of that without coughing it up or being sick". It takes the man a couple of minutes but he finishes the drink.
"well done" says the barman. "The next challenge, there's a guard dog outside with a bad tooth, you need to go out there and remove it. After that, there's a woman upstairs, she's 83, never had s**... in her life. I want you go up there and show her a real good time".
So the man goes outside and for about 15 minutes there is a lot of barking, shouting and screaming. Then after a while it goes quiet. The barman walks outside to find out what's happened... The dogs dead. The man who's out of breath turns to the barman and says "Right... Where's this old lady with the bad tooth?"

Best Genie Joke I Know

A man walks into a bar and sets a tiny piano down then pulls out a tiny man who starts playing a beautiful song. The bartender says, "wow, where did you get him!?". The man replies,"there is a genie in the parking lot giving away one free wish to anyone that asks". The bartender shouts, "drinks are on the house" then runs out to the parking lot.
A few minutes later the bartender returns with a bunch of ducks following him. Puzzled he says to the man,"I don't know what's wrong with that genie, I asked him for a million bucks and now all these ducks are following me". The man replies,"you think I asked him for a twelve inch pianist?"

A man sits at the bar drinking and looking upset.

The bartender asks him what's wrong. The man looks up and says
"I lost it all playing the ponies. A million dollars. I had it and I lost it all."
The bartender is taken aback. "If you don't mind me prying, a million dollars is a lot of money. How'd you end up losing it?"
The man downs his drink. "Pour me another and I'll tell you. I went to the track with five dollars. That's it. I was only gonna spend five and go home. So I gets a good feeling about this horse named Fedora. He had incredible odds so I went for it. Turns out he won. So I makes a five into a hundred. I'm on a roll now, so in the next race I bets on a horse named Top Hat. Again, the odds are in my favour. He wins, and I turns a hundred into six thousand. It continues all day, every race. Beret made 6000 into 120,000. And Trilby makes 120,000 into 1,200,000. That's no small potatoes. I shoulda known hat names wouldn't work forever, but I thought I had a winner with Cowboy. He lost. I lost."
The bartender is invested in the story by this point. He waits with bated breath. "So who won?"
"Some d**... horse named Yarmulke."

One night at a pub . . .

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.
The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."
The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."
The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."
The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

Oh, Dave!

Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local s**... club for his birthday.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him.
The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"

A cute little girls story

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe two and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says;
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

Guy gets sick of the rat race and...

....moves to the country. After about six months, he gets a little lonely for company so he's happy when a nearby farmer comes over.
They're sitting on the porch having a couple beers when the farmer asks,
*"Would you like to come to a party at my house next friday?"*
Guy says, *"sure, sounds fun."*
Farmer says, *"But there'll probably be loud music."*

Guy says, *"Cool with me."*

Farmer says, *"And a lot of drinking, that's how it is."*

Guy looks at his beer and nods his head.
Farmer says, *"Gotta watch out, sometimes there's a little fightin'."*

Guy says *"I can handle my own. Sounds fun."*

Farmer says, *"And if you're lucky, might be a little s**....."*

Guy says *"Now I can't wait. Next friday? What should I wear?"*

Farmer says, *"Whatever. Just gonna be you and me."*

I saw this really good movie in a hotel..

There were a lot of gunfights, cowboys, saloons and drinking. It was the Best Western I've ever seen.

Signs...

The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Your job interferes with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
- Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
- You consider that having two hands and only one mouth is a drinking problem.
- You can normally focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved since you entered the bar.
- You fall off the floor sometimes.
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Mosquitoes stumble about after attacking you.
- At weekly AA meetings, you forget your own name.
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- The whole bar greets you when you come in.
- You don't recognise your wife unless you see her through the bottom of your glass.
- That d**... pink elephant followed you home again!

Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub!"

pint of guiness

On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh.
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." 
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Scot leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Scot returned and said "Hey y**..., is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for 5,000 pounds."
"Aye" replied the Scot, "pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with seconds to spare.
"Ok y**..., pay up." said the Scot
"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Scot replied, "Well sir, 5,000 pounds is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

Texas Aggie buys a girl a drink

Ok so this Texas Aggie is at a party back East, right? and he sees this attractive woman. He tells the bartender that he wants to buy her a drink. So the bartender gives her a drink and points to the Texan. She walks over to him and says:
"This isn't going to go where you think it's going to go."
"Why not?" he asks.
"Because I'm a lesbian." she says.
"What's that mean?" he says.
"Well, see that hot woman over there? It means that I'd get a whole lot of pleasure by going down on her." the woman explains.
The man wanders back to the bartender in a daze. The bartender asks:
"So how'd it go?"
and the man says:
"Well, I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

It's the day of a highschooler's first prom....

and he's excited to take his sweetheart to the dance.
He goes to the flower shop to get flowers. He expects there to be a lot of people buying flowers, but there's no flower line.
Next he goes to a store that has tuxedos. He expects there to be other kids shopping for tuxes, but there's no tux line at that store.
Finally, with everything ready, he picks up his girl and goes to the prom. This time it's definitely busy. They dance and dance, then his girlfriend says she's thirsty. His feet are sore, so he doesn't really want to stand waiting for drinks, but he makes his way through the crowd anyway, gets to the punch table and it turns out there's no punch line!

h**... and Himmer walk into a bar...

The barman comes over, does a double-take, then askes them for a drink. h**... orders two brandys. After the barman returns and places the drinks in front of them he says-"I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend, but you guys look a lot like h**... and Himmler." h**... responds -" well that's because it is us." Shocked, the barman asks where have they been all this time, to which Himmler responds-"actually, we have been making preparations for our next plan. Would you like to hear it?" The barman says ok, so Himmler continues-"we plan on killing ten million jews and a dj." The barman asks -"why a dj?" to which Himmler turns to h**... and says-"see, no one cares about the jews."

Alcoholic to God

God meets alcoholic and tells him that he has been doing a lot of wrong things so has to suffer. He tells him he can choose one out of two diseases.
* Parkinson's disease (hand will shake continuously)
* Alzheimer's disease (memory loss)
After thinking for some, he replied that he will go for Parkinson's as it is better to spill half bottle of whiskey and drink only half of it than to forget where the whole bottle was kept.

So there is a cop hanging out across the street of an Irish pub near closing time...

The cop notices a man stumble out of the bar, struggle to open his car and is obviously intoxicated. The man makes it out of the parking lot and is pulled over by the cop immediately.
The cop makes him get out and do all the sobriety tests. He passes with flying colors. He then breathelizes the man and he blows perfect zeros.
The cop, now confused, asks why he is 100% sober and appeared to be drunk walking out of the pub. The man responds "I wasn't drinking tonight because I'm the DD". The cop, even more confused responds, "but you aren't driving anyone home". The man replies "Yeah I know. I'm the Designated Decoy".

A Dutch anti-German joke (and the first foreign joke i ever learned!)

There's still a lot of ill feeling against the Germans in Holland. With that in mind, this is a joke a Dutch friend told me.
Walking around Amsterdam one day, a Dutchie sees a man down on his knees scooping up water from the canal with his hand to drink.
He shouts to the man (in Dutch) "Don't drink that, you will be sick!!!)
The man responds (in German) "Was hast du gesagt??" (What are you saying?)
The Dutch man responds (in German) "Use both hands! It's much better!"

A sheep walks into a bar joke

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

Tea Set

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe
2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because (as he put it) it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

Grandma Knows...

A cup of tea made with cold water.

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea,' which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the
toilet?"

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"
"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.
"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

I believe the children are our future

and they should be praised and nurtured because they are the bus drivers and cabbies of tomorrow, and I drink a lot.

Philosophy Joke

Descartes is in a bar and has had many drinks. He then asks the bartender for another beer.
"Are you sure you can handle another? You've had a lot" the bartender asks.
Descartes replies, "I think not!"
*p**...*
And he disappeared.

Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think
I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then He asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive motor-cycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of s**...?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a s**...?'

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

A man sees an attractive girl sitting alone

At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive girl sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the girl says, and she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy a drink to make it up to you. May I join you?"
He agrees.
The girls is good at keeping conversation, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.
He asks her phone number and then he compliments her:
"You are the most charming girl I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No", she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub, across the road from a brothel...

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.
"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man o' the cloth, giving way to temptation like that."
A few minutes later, the rabbi also entered the brothel.
"Would you look at that? Always acting so pious, but look at 'im now - dirty hypocrite. Givin' way to sins o' the flesh."
As they continued drinking, complaining all the while about the lack of moral standards of the minister and the rabbi, they saw the Catholic priest creep up to the brothel and knock on the door.
"Ah, now - ain't that a shame! One o' the poor girls must be dyin', and the good Father's come to give 'er the last rites!"

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.
The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."
"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."
"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."
"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of v**... to have to mop up..."
"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."

A Man Walks Into a Bar

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"Hey got any specials tonight?" The bartender tells the man tonight there is a challenge, first you have to drink this glass of v**..., then you have to go out back and pull a tooth from an alligator, and finally you have to go upstairs and have s**... with a woman. The man at first says no way, but after a few drinks he decides to do the challenge. The bartender hands him the glass of v**... and he downs it. He then goes outside to the alligator. He's out there for a while and making a lot of noise. When he finally comes back in the bartender asks,"What took you so long?" The man replies, "Where is that woman who needs her tooth pulled?"

A sloth goes to a bar to get drunk.

After a long time and a lot of drinks the bartender asks the sloth why he is there.
The sloth replies, "I'm depressed, my wife is leaving me. I bet she's already halfway through the kitchen."

Thank you martin luther king jr.

As custodians we owe that guy a lot, if it wasn't for him we'd have to clean two drinking fountains.

I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person...

...and that person drinks a lot.

The doctor told me to drink a lot of clear liquid

So I picked up some v**... and gin on the way home.

2 Woman go drinking...

after a lot of drinks they decide to head home but on the way realise they have to use a bathroom but as its late there is no one to be found.
So both decided to head for the local cementary...as they had nothing to wipe, the first woman decides to sacrifice her p**....
The second one had really expensive p**... so she just grabbed a ribbon from a nearby grave and both head home.

The next morning both husbands meet:
"This has to stop, my wife came home without p**...!"
"You think THAT is bad? Mine had a pice of ribbon in hers that reads "from all of us at the police station - we will never forget you.""

A man moves to a new neighborhood

After a few days his neighbor knocks on his door
"I'm having a party tonight" says the neighbor "you should come over. But I should let you know, my parties tend to get pretty wild. There will be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting, and some really crazy s**...."
"Sounds like fun" responds the man. "Should I bring anything?" he asks.
"That shouldn't be necessary" the neighbor says. "It will just be the two of us".

A life barely lived.

"Doctor, I want to live to 100."
"Do you drink?"
"No."
"Do you smoke anything?"
"No."
"Do you have s**... with lots of people?"
"No."
"Then why do you want to live to 100?"

When I was little I heard that Russians liked to drink A lot...

After going through health class I realized that was bad but hey, if they wanted to be alcoholics then Soviet

When the Daddy Car asked the baby car

When the Daddy car asked the baby car what he wanted to be when he grew up, the baby answered. "I wanna fit lots of people inside me and have parties where they can drink and have fun."
The daddy car replied "oh that's a stretch."
Original. Maybe bad. But original.

You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":

Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.
Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.
Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.
Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.

A man walks into a bar...

...and the bartender recognizes the man as a regular.
He says to the man, "Hey, you come drink here a lot, how about a drink on the house?".
The man replies to the bartender, "Sorry, but, I forgot my ladder".

An Irishman is parking

An Irishman is driving around the parking lot but can't seem to find a spot. Eventually, he looks up to the sky and says, "Lord, if you'll only find me a spot, I'll never drink again." Sure enough, he turns the corner and sees a spot. He looks back up to the sky and says, "Never mind, Lord, I found one."

A heavily inebriated man is out with his wife.

Finally they call it a day and make their way home. Driving on a major road, the car swerves dangerously, frequently crossing lanes at a frightening speed and narrowly avoiding causing countless collisions. Eventually they are pulled over by the cops.
With the window lowered, the man attempts to justify his actions.
"Goodd evvening... offficer..." he slurs. "As you can see, I've had rather a lot to drink."
The cop is fuming. "Sir. That is not a valid excuse to allow your wife to drive."

My girlfriend roleplays as my mother a lot

I keep disappointing her while she drinks more wine

An alcoholic watched a TV report about the harms of drinking, and worried a lot

So he decided not to watch TV anymore

A lot of people tell me when they drink coffee, they can't sleep...

I have the same problem, but the other way around...when I sleep, I can't drink coffee...

Having grown up in a small secluded area of Key West, I met a new friend who just moved here from New York.

Quite the change from all the hustle & bustle of city life for him. I was excited to hear all about his life there over dinner with his parents in town visiting.
He exclaims: Stores are massive, and the restaurants are fantastic!
Then he said; I went to a lot of t**... bars! Great drink specials! Do you have those here?? (Grinning heavily)
His mom: What do they do if it stars to rain?

My friend has a drinking problem, stole a lot of beer, and now has a court date

IANAL but I've volunteered to help him with the case.

I told my alcoholic husband not to drink beer.

Now he just drinks lots of water and seems even more drunk, and has a sly smile on his face

My ex-wife used to drink a lot. One night I got sick of seeing her stagger around the backyard.

That's when I decided to shoot her a second time.

So I've seen a lot of booze ads lately

And they all say please drink Responsibly or enjoy Responsibly or something like that, and I'm just confused.
What kind of drink does Responsibly make that even other brands endorse it in their own ads?