Drinkin Jokes

Did you know drinking beer makes you smart?

It made Bud wiser.

drinking

A guy says to his friend "Man, I feel terrible. Last night I drank too much, came home and blew chunks."
Friend says "aw don't worry mate, that happens to all of us"
Guy says "you don't understand; my dog's name is 'Chunks'"

A guy moves into a new neighborhood...

And a r**... knocks on the door. The guy opens and the r**... says "howdy neighbor! welcome to the neighborhood! Tonight I'm gona throw a party in your honor - there's gona be a whole lot of dancin, a whole lot of drinkin and a whole lot of screwin!"
The guy replies "sounds great! What should I bring?" The r**... replies "wellp - you can bring whatever you want, it's just gona be you and me"

Have you been drinking sir?

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.

"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.

"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go."

New Drinking Age in Alabama

They raised the drinking age to 32 in Alabama to keep alcohol out of high schools.

Why is drinking American beer like making love in a canoe?

What's a drinking game you can play by yourself?

Alcoholism

New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot.

I call it the Ferguson

There's a new drinking game...

You draw a random card from a deck & if it's black you take a shot....
We call it "Ferguson"

The drinking age in Alabama has changed to 25

Lawmakers warrant this by saying it is meant to keep alcohol out of high school

Why should you never go drinking if you wear a monocle?

Because then you'd be a barnacle.

Sometimes when I go out drinking...

...and hit on girls, they call me ugly. That is, until I tell them how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

(original joke that a friend just came up with)

I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home

Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before...

I Have a serious drinking problem.

I dont have a drink in my hand!

I'm done drinking for good...

Now I drink for Evil.

Drinking water in africa

hashtag nofilter

I was drinking my favorite liquor the other night...

...while sitting in front of my fireplace. I was feeling a pretty good buzz when all of a sudden I began to hallucinate, and out from the top of the fireplace sprung the disembodied head of Jane Fonda! Normally I would find this odd, but you know what they say:

Absinthe makes the hearth grow Fonda.

How do you know you're drinking too many protein shakes?

You've had whey too much!

So I was drinking this vampire's blood the other day

It was irony.

Drinking

Remember, it isn't drinking alone when you're pregnant.

Despite my drinking, I can honestly say I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman

But man I've woke up with a few.

So I'm drinking in a bar...

... And the waitress yells 'help! Does anyone know CPR?!'

So I say 'Hell I know the whole alphabet!'

So everyone laughs.

Except this o**....

-What are you drinking, son?

-Soy milk.

-Hola milk, soy tu padre.

Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone

I don't think I have a drinking problem

I find it incredibly easy to drink!

Why wasn't drinking permitted on the Oregon trail?

It was important not to fall off the wagon.

I was drinking a margarita at the bar....

And a woman screamed "Does anyone know CPR?!"
I replied that i knew the whole alphabet, we laughed and laughed.....well except for o**....

I used to have a drinking problem.

I still do, but I used to, too.

Drinking is a slow death

..It is okay. I am in no hurry.

'Doctor, I have a drinking problem!'

'I'm always drunk whenever I'm traveling between countries!'

Doctor - 'Sounds like you're a borderline alcoholic.'

I don't think drinking v**... is the solution to all of my problems...

But it's worth a shot.

So, I just tried a new drinking game.

I put in the Bee Movie, and every time they make a bee pun, I take a shot.

Unfortunately, I could only get buzzed.

I went out drinking last night and took a bus home

That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

I used to think drinking alcohol was bad for me...

So I gave up thinking.

I'm drinking some pretty average tea...

It's Mediocritea.

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister

It tastes the same but it's just not right.

Drinking beer without alcohol is like eating out your sister...

tastes right, but trust me: its wrong!

I don't have a drinking problem

'Cept when I don't have alcohol

Drinking alcohol is like calculus.

You have to know your limits.

Did you know that drinking the fluid in a magic 8-ball will let you see the future?

I actually have a friend who tried it. He said "I'm going to die" and he was right.

You know what they say about drinking too much tequila...

Can't remember.

I don't have a drinking problem!

I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem!

I've got a drinking problem.

Sometimes beer spills out the sides of my mouth when I drink.

Drinking alcohol free beer is the same as going down on your sister

It tastes the same, but feels wrong

Here's a new drinking Came. It's called Going Irish.

You take 10 rounds of shots and then you pass out.

Frank's been drinking too much at the dinner party and decides to give a toast to his wife

"To my wife, the love of my life, and the sexiest woman I know. But it's too bad only one of those three is here tonight!"

There was a burst of laughter from the crowd, but Frank's wife took it in stride, raising here glass for a toast of her own.

"To my husband, a good provider, and the father of my children. Too bad only one of those could make it."

Whenever I'm out drinking I flip a coin

If it lands on heads, I get another drink, if it lands on tails, I flip the coin again

If you see someone drinking a Sierra Mist, punch them straight in the face...

...that's the first rule of Sprite Club.

I'm not drinking anything this Christmas...

Under 40% ABV.

They say drinking milk makes you stronger...

So I drank a carton of milk, and then I tried to push my fridge and it didn't even budge.

Frustrated, I decided to drink a bottle of v**..., and guess what happened?

The fridge moved itself

I've got a drinking problem.

I just ran out of beer.

I was out drinking with a friend and saw two old drunks across the bar. I said, that's totally going to be us in 10 years.

He said, that's a mirror, d**....

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, what does drinking Fanta make you?

diabetic

I have a drinking problem and I need help.

If Bob has drunk 2 cups of orange juice and Steve has drunk 3, and each cup has the juice of 4 oranges, how many oranges did the buy?

You know you might have a drinking problem...

When you go to the doctor and he informs you that they found traces of blood in your alcohol stream

They say I got a drinking problem

But I ain't got no problem drinking at all

Drinking brandy always reminds my of my Grandmother

She never touched the stuff, but she's Very Special, Old and Pale.

I don't have a drinking problem

I have a drinking solution. It allows me talk to the opposite s**....

I went drinking with a human centipede

The first guy could hold his liquor.

The rest if them got completely s**....

You say I have a drinking problem...

But I won't let you ruin my Tuesday morning buzz.

When I was drinking my coffee, I heard on the radio that caffeine causes memory loss.

Yeah, right. Next time, they're probably gonna say that caffeine causes memory loss.

Drinking alcohol-free beer..

..is like giving o**... s**... to your sister. The taste is the same, but deep inside, you know that something is terribly wrong.

Drinking can cause memory loss...or even worse

Memory loss

Drinking hot coffee in thin plastic cups reduces men's s**... performance by 80%!

It burns tongue and fingers!

Why do elephants paint their toenails red.

A: To hide in the cherry trees!

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?? Then I guess it works!

(As told by my mid-70s, overall wearin, Southern Comfort drinkin neighbor.)

I used to be into drinking p**... and other bad stuff until my parents yelled at me...

They said "You're not supposed to drink it, s**...."

You *know* you have a drinking problem...

When even the American Bar Association suggests you should be investigated by the FBI...

If drinking alcohol causes memory loss,

what does drinking alcohol do?

Can drinking bleach really kill you? We asked our listeners to try it out and none of them called back to tell me they're dead so I think not

One of my fav quote from C&H

Why is drinking alcohol gay?

Because when you are drunk, you can't think straight.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought to myself...

Wow, this is ledge 'n dairy!

I've been drinking to kill something inside me.

Apparently I succeeded, because my girlfriend tells me it smells like something died every time I f**....

What should you do if drinking coffee hurts your eyes?

Take the spoon out of the cup.

Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense?

Me neither, but I keep trying...

I have a drinking problem.

I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But don't worry, I can stop at any time.

I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed does anyone know CPR?

I yelled, I know the entire alphabet and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except o**....

Drinking alcohol slowly turned me into an emotional mess.

So I started drinking it faster.

I was drinking coffee in my pyjamas this morning and I thought:

"I really should have bought some cups".

Drinking coffee used to make my eyes hurt a little.

Then I learned you're supposed to remove the spoon from the mug first.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name...

...and you've never been to that bar before.

*Courtesy of Zack Galifianakis*

They say that drinking is a sin, but . . .

He who drinks sleeps.

He who sleeps doesn't sin.

He who doesn't sin is holy.

Therefore, he who drinks is holy.

I'd been out drinking, and knew I'd had way too much to drive my car safely.

I knew there was a breath testing checkpoint between the bar and my place, so I decided to take a bus. Sure enough, when the bus reached the checkpoint we were waved through. This morning though when I woke up, hungover as b**..., there was a d**... bus on my lawn and I don't know what the h**... is going on

Drinking alcohol doesn't solve any problems.

But then again, neither does drinking milk.

I used to think drinking was bad for me

So I gave up thinking.

Drinking lots of shots

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says,

\- "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks,

\- "What's wrong this time?"

The man says,

\- "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks,

\- "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says,

\- "Apparently my wife does."